Thursday, October 28, 2010

Incidents.

I’m pretty sure I’ve said it before but today I need to say it again.

I shock myself with the stuff I write about here. And I shock myself even more when the “event” happens and my first thought is: “Oh, oh…I can blog about that.” It’s seriously wrong. But I digress…

THIS is my insane family. THIS is why I fit right in.

Incident #1:
Banana turned 5 last week. When I was watching a baby show on TV she looked right at me and said, “Mom, I didn’t want to come out of your tummy. I liked it in there. It was really warm.” Turns out she was serious…she never did come out – they cut her out.

Followed by, “I don’t want to be five. It makes me taller. I want to drink bottles and wear diapers so I can poop in your lap.”

Apparently the child knows my aversion to poop and is taunting me. WTF? What goes on in that brain of hers?

I scooped her up in my arms to take her to bed after that and she giggled and said, “Mama, you look funny carrying a 5 year old.”

Yah – cuz that looks so different than when I carried a 4 year old just days ago.

Incident #2:
I was napping Monday night…just coming out of the paradise coma that a nap is so my eyes aren’t open and in fact, I have a blanket over my head. Watermelon comes in. Sits down. Very seriously says, “Mom, can I talk to you about something on Facebook?” (She uses my FB to play the games)

OH SHITBALLS! Immediately I’m thinking pedophiles, bullying or I’ll need to call in the National Guard….yet I remain calm.

I take the blanket off my face and try to act like a real mother. She says, “Uncle _____’s posts always seem like he’s in a bar. And I don’t like it.”

JESUS – MARY – JOSEPH AND ST. PETER! Call off the National Guard. Send back the SWAT team.

My brother is a bartender. He manages the bar and uses FB to advertise nightly drink specials. He is INDEED in a bar – every day.

I reply, “Let’s just hide his posts okay sweetie?” “Okay Mom.”

Crisis averted. Just wow.

Incident #3:
I was being all pro-active and looking up Christmas present ideas online last night. I found the cutest things and wanted Rambo to see them. So across the computer screens I say, “Hey, can you come look at these and see what you think?”

Now yes, why on God’s green earth any man would even care or want to look at such a thing is beyond me…but I apparently am a glutton for punishment and asked him to look anyway. 20 years into this relationship and he sure as hell can learn how to pretend to care about things that I know he doesn’t right?

I’m looking at the screen, showing him the things, the cost. I’m whipping out my stellar ideas. He’s behind me dutifully saying, “Oh yah, those are nice. Yup, they’d work.”

He’s standing. I’m sitting.

I turn around. And I nearly get swatted in the eye with The Crank. And yah, you’re right. This has happened before. You’d think I’d be more prepared for that thing.

No folks, I’m not kidding. The minute I turned around he felt it necessary for that thing to come out. And he stands grinning.

While I’m all “WTF – I’m talking about Cmas presents and you’re thinking about that? What is your problem? You have some nerve. Pervert.”

He just says, “Baby doll, he misses you. I can’t help it.”

Dude….while I love how we make your penis a separate person with emotions – it’s been like 3 damn days or something. There hasn’t been time for him to miss me. GET OVER IT. PUT IT AWAY.

I gotta hand it to him though. He is persistent. He never misses a moment when we’re alone to at least “throw the option out there” to me if I were willing.

What I really want to know is – is there really a woman out there who would “seize” that moment – right then and there – in the midst of an entirely different topic, middle of the evening, kids outside, still in her work clothes, before supper – right then and there? And if there is…I wanna meet her.

Oh who am I kidding? I’ve been that woman. It can be fun. Don’t hate me.

I’m guessing this is why Rambo still continues to “throw it out there” so often. He’s hoping “that woman” is gonna come back for a visit.

Dammit – it’s MY fault.

*********************************

So there you go. A day in the life of me. Crazy ass Draz and her family.

It’s become quite clear why I’m anonymous now, right?

26 comments:

Pamela E. Williams said...

Banana is funny
Watermelon is definitely growing up and very smart
and
Rambo is hehe, just Rambo.

Love your family Draz!

Scuttleboose said...

Now to anybody else in the world, these would just be "moments" in daily life... but to Drazil, they are "incidents". LOVE IT :)
Oh, and my first reaction to "throw it out there" was :-O, but then I realized that could very easily become a communication barrier.

Vaia said...

This is such a wonderful post...and shows that you are well on your way to a fulfilled life. In fact, you are in it lady!

Justawallflower said...

I have to admit, it is more often me than my husband that is looking for the opportunity during the middle of the day when our daughter is occupied. Thanks for the good laugh though!

Annie said...

Love it- all of it. How funny the kids are- my daughter is two, and comes out with the funniest things too.

Your family may be crazy, but they are yours, and the love is so visible! I love your relationship with Rambo- it's great that the sparks are still flying. I can relate to the crank incident- it's hard not (no pun intended) :) to shove them off when it's that kind of love and affection that keeps the marriage alive.

Thanks for a great post!

L A U R A said...

Your family sounds very cool :) As for "The Crank"...I'm sure there's women out there who would seize the opportunity ;) Just saying, lol.

Cindy said...

*sigh* i'd be happy to turn around and have my b/f's crank in my face. ;)

Ice Queen said...

Kids... *shaking head ruefully and smiling*

Rambo is a hoot. And you have to admit, the fact that he and his "crank" are still so happy to see you, even after 20 years... Well, that is pretty fantastic.

DB said...

Love your family - even Rambo's crank!!!

Juli's Journey said...

Banana must be related to my 5 year old daughter. She also wants to crawl back in and often heads my belly just to prove it. Oh, and, I WOULD be that woman to 'seize the moment'. LOL.

Amanda said...

I am so glad I read this in a break between bites of my lunch. Rambo and his "crank"... hee!!

And yeah, I'm that woman too. Oh well :)

River said...

I haven't enjoyed a post this much for a while. I can always count on a few bloggers and there drazil delivers :)

I'm just 26 and I would tell him WTF possibly about 8 times out of 10. But I wanna try the trick on him (once we are married) and see how the hell would he react because he is afterall working 12 hours a day and goes straight to the gym, lifting some very heavy weights for 60mins, then run for 20 mins and hmmmm I wonder how HE would react :D I feel evil!

Ms. M said...

LOL @ River. Evil can be amusing. :)

I still say Rambo & Mr. Husband are of the same mind. Its downright dangerous to turn my back on the man because there's about a 98% chance that "The Crank" will be there to greet me when I turn around.

And yeah, I used to be the girl that would jump on every opportunity... but these days he's gotta work a little harder. Is that mean of me? LOL

amandakiska said...

Maybe you should be more careful about turning your back to that man?

Your kids are precious. I'm sure Banana thought "pooping in your lap" was more endearing than it sounded.

Sarah Williams said...

Thanks for the laugh! Love your blog.

Sam said...

LOL I love your family, they are all precious:)

Joanna said...

I don't comment very often, but I have to tell you that I visit your blog every day - I'm addicted. I love how you write, what you write - and my keyboard is now permanently stained with the coffee that I've spit out - on more than one occasion - all over it.

I have learned a valuable lesson from reading your blog: do it with an empty mouth. It's much more fun to laugh that way, anyways.

Liz said...

Thats amazing, your family sounds like SO much fun!! You kinds sound so witty and cute for their age!

Lisa said...

Thanks for todays laugh... lol

- Lisa
http://inweighovermyhead.blogspot.com/

Kristen said...

Draz...I love your creative posts! They make me smile :) Havent talked to you in a while but hope you are doing great girlfriend!

Dizzy Girl said...

That's why we're friends- cause you're that girl. I'm that girl too (the one who would do it right there in her work clothes). HELL YES!

Miz said...

LOVE IT!
and if thats yer crazy I still wanna come visit.

Bonnie said...

My daughter was due on December 9th and I had to be induced on December 22nd because she didn't want to come out. So much for the 2nd child coming out early. That's a load of crap. My hubby gets hard when the wind blows. I don't even think it's me - I really think it's the wind.

Amester said...

Your post made me laugh out loud!! I am obviously an perv myself and would say seize the day and go for it. But as you might read in my blog I am thinking about sex wayyyyyyy to much these days.

My daughter always says she remembers snuggling with my spleen. Weird.

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

Men have one thing on their mind always. And, their minds live in their pants. Doesn't change as they age. I saw an old fart hungrily looking a teenage girl up and down at Walmart a couple of months ago. Would like to forget it, BELIEVE ME! Now, that's a PERVE!

Rambo normal. Girls super-wonderful. You've got it good, Draz; you've got it good.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I am that woman, Draz! It's fun! Miss u!!!