Wednesday, October 20, 2010

It is here......

Well, this is it. The hardest post I’ve written to date – mentally and today, even physically. I never thought I’d be here again…and saying it out loud feels like admitting failure…though I know that’s not true.

But it’s a slippery slope…like a slide at the playground and you can’t really stop mid-way. You’re either at the top or sliding to or at the bottom. It’s a downright dangerous endeavor to try to stop in the middle. It doesn’t work. At least not for me.

Sooo I suppose this has been a long time coming – and I stopped living in Care Bear Land and moved right into Denial Land. They don’t poop rainbows there. There are no gumdrops. It’s a big jungle and everything is dark and creepy and old. Denial Land makes you wanna run away and never stop. And it’s where I’ve been for a while now.

My best friend and I were talking last night and she said 5 words to me…and she doesn’t know it but they physically made me gasp for air. My throat constricted. My heart jumped. My throat tightened. I felt sick. They meant I had started down the slide. They meant I was done denying.

She said, “Your eyes are not happy.”

SHIT. Double shit. Triple shit on a stick wrapped in peanuts.

If depression hits me and comes back – you know in my eyes. My mother can take one look at me and know that I am not okay. In fact, she can hear it in my voice. I can simply say “Hello” on the phone – and she can know I’m falling. My eyes and my voice have always been the window to my soul and the first sign of my depression having a choke-hold on my heart. I can hide almost every sign – but not those. I can’t even see them myself so hiding them is futile.

When I over-react when some of you say you feel depression coming on and you’re going to watch it and I freak out – this is why. Because for me – in one day – life changes and it’s balls to the wall, scraping the walls with my nails, digging out of the hole, can’t get out of bed. It’s dangerous and it’s fast….and for me there is no “watching it”.

It’s here.

I have no appetite, I am on the verge of tears every second, I literally am forcing one foot in front of the other, I can’t look anyone in the eyes for fear they’ll see I’m not okay, I don’t want to speak, I slept all but a few hours yesterday, my heart hurts, I want Rambo, I care about nothing, I have no energy, just moving is fatiguing, I’m dizzy…and did I mention I can’t eat? (we all know how huge that is)….the symptoms are adding up.

It’s here.

The jig is up.  I am flawed.

For me, there’s never been a decisive reason or event….it’s a buildup usually and this time I think I’ve taken on too much. Too many school groups, too many jobs, not enough time, too many meetings, too many obligations…though self-inflicted – physically my body is screaming STOP. And for months I haven’t listened. I’ve gotten used to telling my inner demons and Draz to shut up – that I can do anything.

Lately though – even Draz is scared for me. I’ve ignored his little warnings. Told him to go to hell. Told him that I’m different, more capable, okay with myself, happy. Draz shakes his head at me and walks away. He knows I wouldn’t listen until this – until I can’t get out of bed. I am my own worst enemy.

Sooo I have plans to make it through the day and then collapse. I have plans to not look anyone in the eye and use migraines as the reason that I seem sick. No one in my professional life knows about my depression – I hide it like a leper hides his boils. It is not who I am. And maybe I will never let go of the shame.

I will be okay. It is my birthday tomorrow and my mom wants to have a supper for me. I’m going to decline. She won’t like it. And I’ll have to deal with that. Right now – I need to voice what I need or I won’t come out of this. I need to find balance. I need to learn to say no and set boundaries. I need schedules for these extra jobs and time off for two little girls who I’d move heaven and earth for.

This disease is not theirs to take on. This disease is something I do not want them to see. I own this. I own beating it.

The first step in getting better – even after having this under control for 15 years – is literally admitting that it is here. I can’t will it away….or I would have by now. I have to take steps to fix this and climb back up the slide until I’m sitting on top.

I’m gonna need a new pair of shoes with major traction…cuz the ones I’m walking in now are shot. It’s disappointing to say 15 years later I haven’t beaten this, that the disease still controls me, that at the core I’m not really stronger. But it really doesn’t matter – what matters is that when I smile, it’s real. When I laugh, it’s real. When I talk, it’s genuine. When I’m here – I’m present.

Right now – I’m here physically but you can’t get to me. There’s a wall up that I didn’t even put there on purpose…and I’m unreachable. I’m hanging on to a cliff with one finger left on it….and my sole intention today is to get one more finger on that ledge…until it’s both hands again.

I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. God give me the strength to want to fight for it.

Because like it or not……..


Please don’t worry about me….I have my best friend Jenny watching me closely and Rambo and my family and they know when to step in. I will be okay…writing it out is part of the process of being okay…so bear with me if you can.


Liz said...

Oh Draz....(((hugs))). Big major ones.

Kristin said...

Can you tell your mom you aren't feeling well but you'd love to do a dinner with her in a couple weeks?

Good for you for realizing what's happening. It's scary and awful, I know, but once you know what you're up against, you and your family can line up your strategies and begin the attack.

I'm sending my warmest thoughts to you for strength and perseverence and help wherever and however you need it. And mostly, for relief from the beast as quickly as possible.

We are all pulling for you, girl. Hang in there.

Read said...

I'm so proud of you for writing this all out. I know just how much energy that took for you. My heart is breaking for you as I know just what you're feeling. But you are strong and you are wonderful and you will climb back out of the hole as you have done before. I don't know what things you've done in the past, but you know what will get you there and if it's drugs or different ones; get Rambo to make you do that (I know I need that extra push sometimes). Whatever it is make sure Jenny and Rambo remind you to do it. Work first and only on this. You're babies will be okay - you've got to put your own oxegen mask on first before you can help anyone else. That's true on airplanes and it's true with this. You do what you need to do - hide, exercise, take vitimins, take drugs, recharge however you need to so you can climb back up that hill.

I have complete faith in you. I know you can do it, but do it first - you have to come first.

Read said...

and I really do know how to spell oxygen.

Amy W. said...

Well my love skittle, of course, without a doubt, we are going to worry about you. And I think on some level, we all can feel what you are going it makes us worry about you even more. I think of my dark times, which for me usually last a day or two, and then imagine amplifying that times 100. What you can know for sure is that you have people that love you and care for you. People like Rambo, your Jenny, your girls, and many of us. You can call me or email whenever the mood hits. I'll be waiting.


JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Depression is a part of life.

Anyone who refutes me is in denial.

Call Dr. Mind. NOW. Before you need to. BFF's and Mr's and families and writing do not fully cut it. You know what I mean. Nobody else is qualified to give you advice here. I know it, you know it. Who cares if 'they' know it. Please do it?

Dazee Dreamer said...

Big cyber hug **squeeze**

Joey said...

Depression is a fucker. The bright side is that you are not alone by any stretch. It affects so many of us. So you are not flawed. You are normal. I'm terrified to go off of my anti-depressions meds for fear of relapse. Have you tried running? Running helps me ;)

I am here for you, we are all here for you. You are loved.

I haven't forgotten about the drawing, I've just been so slammed at work (what else is new?). Sorry to be a flake!

I love you!!!

LauraLynne said...

*hugs* sweetie. You've made it through worse, you'll make it through this. Lean on those around you, trust their strength when you doubt your own. And try and keep you chin up - hang in there, this WILL pass.

River said...

I'm giving you a big hug. I don't have the guts to put it all out there most of the time. You do. I don't have any wisdom to share again. But I love you.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry, Draz. Sorry because I can empathize with what I've been struggling with lately. You know what you need to do, you have people who love you deeply, and that's half the battle. Do what you need to do - including getting professional help. Depression is a disease, and it's not about being strong enough, it's about being smart enough to realize that disease can't be beaten through sheer will alone.

We're here for you!

Jen said...

"Call Dr. Mind. NOW. Before you need to. BFF's and Mr's and families and writing do not fully cut it. You know what I mean. Nobody else is qualified to give you advice here. I know it, you know it. Who cares if 'they' know it."

Not only do I know it, I agree.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I will be praying for you, my sweet. You are a very strong can beat this.

Justawallflower said...

Prayers for you in this difficult time. The only thing I will add to that is this: just because someone suffers from depression does not make them weak. Would you consider someone with cancer weak? You can not will it away. It's not something you can beat by being strong enough. It does not make you a failure.

Xina said...

Listen to JBS. She's a smart lady who knows what she's talking about.

There's no shame in asking for help.

Hang on girl, I'm rooting for you!

Sarah G said...

Big hugs! Hang in there, we're all here for you!

MrsFatass said...


Pick up your phone. No, I'm not going to call you, silly. But I did send you a message sister.

See you tomorrow.

Barbara said...

Draz, Jenn is right.. pick up the phone and call your doc. do this for you.
You owe it to you.. Ask Rambo for the biggest hug he can squeeze out and then go and do what you need to do.. reach out to those that can help you right there in your place. Focus on you.. we are all here ... and we will still be here waiting for you when you are ready.. thank you for your lovely response ..through all of this you still show your love..hugs.

CathyB said...

Sending major hugs and thoughts of support your way.

Ice Queen said...


I wish I could help, I know that you just have to get through this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, sweetheart. I am here for you and along with everyone else who cares, I am not going anywhere.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. Get the help... All of the help you need. That is what it is all there for. It is all for you.


-Grace- said...

Sending you so much love. I know you can get through this again. You are superwoman.


Amanda said...

What they said *pointing up*.

Angela said...

You are not alone. I know you will find the strength to come out of it. You realized "it is here" soon you will see the skittle rainbow.

Virtual hugs and love to you.

DB said...

Prayers & hugs to you. You are strong - remeber that!

rskmom said...

You have all the strength you need. How do I know? Because you wrote that post. And you made it public.

That requires strength. And a belief in yourself. You have both.

And you have us - the commenters, those like me who read but rarely if ever comment. We are on your side.

I am praying for you. (((hugs)))

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

Like Joey said: "Depression is a fucker. The bright side is that you are not alone by any stretch. It affects so many of us. So you are not flawed. You are normal."

Except, I don't think you're merely normal... You are amazing & stronger than you know. I LOVE YOU.

Btw- This is my final AFC comment. :)

tessierose said...

Hang in there! Big Hug!

Nella said...

A million virtual HUGS!

Nikki said...


We all love and adore you and are here for you whenever you need us! There have been a few of us who have been close to where you are, where you have been, and where you will end up (back in carebear doubt)

But I do agree...Call someone...before this gets too big...

Hugging, rootin, and praying for ya!


amandakiska said...

I have long read your blog and wondered how you could handle working three jobs, being a mom, being a wife, and all the other obligations in your world. I think it totally makes sense that you are burnt out and shutting down as a result. When you are feeling better, I hope you'll do some work on why you have to do it all and why you deny yourself rest and peace. Why is a break down the only way you will let yourself rest? Why do you feel you don't deserve free time, rest and relaxation before it gets to this point?

I don't want to stress you out with these questions or make you feel worse, but I do hope you'll give them so thought when you're strong enough. Just don't take them as criticism or judgement. You're not "doing it wrong".

Now get some rest. You MUST eat three squares, even if you don't feel like it. Take a walk every day. Love you!

Bonnie said...

Having a good support system is half the battle. I believe in you.

Sandy Lee said...

Love you. We are all here to listen when you want to write. Glad the Backup Plan is ready and waiting with Jenny, Rambo and family. You will get better. Go read Grace's post today because she said some really important things about not knowing what the future holds. {{{HUGS}}}

Carmen said...

love you poopy head i am here for you

Linda said...

Hey sweetie - call your Dr. You have a whole team of people cheering you on.
Love you- Linda

cmacraven said...

You are inspiring me everyday!

Cindylew said...

Yes I love you...yes I will worry about you until your smile is again "real".
Please don't try and tough this out...there is no shame...depression is a disease and you need to feel better as soon as possible and that will only happen if you get the help you need and are so worthy of that help.
We can send you all the hugs in the world but right now my need more than any of us can give you.

Liz said...

Ride through sounds debilitation and horrible and I feel for you. I really do. Do what ever it takes for you to get through the next stage....focus on yourself and just hang in there.
Thinking of you!

kagead said...

I am worried. Not because you won't beat this terrible thing, but because you are hurting and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Whenever, wherever, however you need me, I'm here for you. Physically or virtually or anything in between.

DiZneDiVa said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers... and reading this has made me realize that I have to call my therapist too. If we don't keep on top of it, we end up buried by it. Hugs... *M*

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

C'mon Girl, you can beat this! You are invincible. You can--and will--turn this around.

Your honesty is always so admirable. Dig those heels in and fight for YOU!

HUGE HUG. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps are OK.

Lynda with a Y said...

Please take care of You. Everything else can wait. Do what you can and nothing else. Sending positive vibes your way.

Dizzy Girl said...

Wow...all of these comments...everyone has said something and it leaves me feeling like there is nothing left to say. This is from me: You are my favorite blogger. You have loved me and supported me through thick and thin. You have been my biggest cheerleader though all of my struggles for almost a year. I thank you for that.

Now I think about you and I think...You will get through this, beautiful woman. Of everyone I know in blogland- I know you, and you will get through this. It is okay- do not be ashamed of who you are- now or ever. Do not be ashamed of your weaknesses; they make you who you are- the woman we all love to death. And believe it or not, I know you're stronger than you remember right now. You're determined- and there is a resolve inside you to fight to the end. You will fight this. You will win. Yes- it's been 15 years. In 15 years, you will still be fighting the same battle- it's for life girl. BUT- what about all the times in between the falls? What about the times with Rambo and the babies? Their smiles, your smile. Their laughter- your cheering and support and love. It's learning to wax more than you wane...remember? You will have falls, but you also have so many joys and happy moments, I hope you find them again soon.

I hope that helps. Even if it doesn't, I hope you know I am sending all of my love your way. I am sending prayers and thoughts and determination your way. I'm sending all the fight in me- to you. You can do this.