Thursday, October 7, 2010

My "IT"....

I think I made it.

Made what you ask? I have no idea because my “it” has no name. I just know I finally made it.

How do I know? Turns out I didn’t…until I had a little convo with my bestie, Jenny…just like I do every day. One would think nothing of it. Nothing earth-shattering, just us – figuring out world peace and stuff like that.

And right smack dab in the middle of our email – it hit me. It’s been coming for a while…little hints of it here and there…and a crescendo was building – and today it became clear.

Are you ready for this? (insert annoying drumroll please)

I’m done hating myself.

I made it.

Let me back up….Jenny and I were having a casual conversation about a mutual friend and one of my comments was….it makes me sad to see someone I care about have so much self-loathing – probably because I’ve seen it in me and have constantly worked on loving myself.

So yah – nothing too huge there except if you’re me.

In that one sentence, it’s like I separated myself from this person – meaning I don’t belong in her self-loathing group anymore. Like I’m sad she hates herself….and that’s a sad place to be….for her. I don’t live there anymore. I wish she didn’t either. And notice I said I have constantly worked – as in w-o-r-k-EDED as in past tense - on loving myself. Meaning I used to – as in the past – as in before. As in I don’t have to work on that anymore.

So yah - it hit me. I’m over hating myself. Now yes, I will always want to be more and do more BUT at the core of who I am….I’m over the hate. A year ago, I couldn’t have made that statement. I’m not even sure how it happened but I’m sure blogging contributed.

My identity before wasn’t an identity I was proud of. If you asked me what my good characteristics were….I’d have told you my kids were beautiful or I had a nice house or a good job….nothing that was really inside of me as a person. I literally couldn’t have told you good things about me. I would have been lying. I wouldn’t have believed them. I could not have spoken the words.

It’s lonely and painful and downright exhausting to hate yourself so much each day. And now I realize it’s kind of an insult to those who love me so much. If I can’t see the reasons they love me – aren’t I essentially calling them liars? Telling them they’re off their rocker. Telling them what to do by basically saying “you shouldn’t love me”?

Hating myself completely tainted the good that was me. It’s a negative thought and really I’m sure that when others figured out how I felt about me – they felt like I did about the mutual friend above. Sad for me. Wishing I could see what they see.

And I never wanted to evoke that kind of emotion in anyone about me. I lived my life regretting every move I made or didn’t make. Every word I spoke or didn’t speak. Wishing I was someone else who acted some other way or spoke some other way or lived another way…anything but me.

The fact that I can’t pick up a phone call out of fear was a disappointment. That I physically sometimes cannot go to a party out of fear of walking in and having people look at me. That I can’t look you in the eyes when you talk to me. That I feel too much and love too strongly. That I am dramatic and loud when I feel comfortable. That I don’t drink and there’s not even an earth-shattering reason that I don’t. That I believe in the core values of marriage and that I sometimes get sad about my childhood. That I take medicine to stay alive. That I want to sleep more than my fair share. That I eat the ends off of my husbands brats and put them back. That I am a picky eater to begin with. That I swear. That I constantly freak out about the type of mother I am.

All these things – were reasons to hate myself…and the list goes on. Everything I did or didn’t do was wrong. Never enough. Not okay. Bad.

My God - it’s tiring to second guess every move you make for 35 years. And I’m so over it. If I have that much energy to waste – I’d rather put it to good use.

I’ll tell you again I don’t know how it happened. I know a huge part of it is Jenny. When I met Jenny and would tell her about people who walked all over me – she’d gasp in horror at their comments and wonder how I let that slide. Well I let it slide because in my heart – I thought I deserved it. Jenny had none of that…she’d literally tell me what I should have said and tell me I had every right to be hurt by the comment. And little by little – I started to believe her.

I mean all my life there was Rambo saying exactly what Jenny said but he’s my husband, he loves me, he’d walk through fire for me…he’s a little biased and he has a penis so it was hard to believe him. But here was this woman – successful, beautiful, amazing mother, daughter and wife – who I wanted to be like – telling me I deserved more and was worth more and could be more……and she was right.

So when the offer for my second PT job came in and I was scared and doubted my abilities – Rambo AND Jenny said – You can do it. You’ll kick ass at it.

I believed them. And I rocked that job like none other before and I even had the balls to ask to be paid what I was worth. And they paid it – because they knew I was worth it.

When the offer came for my third PT job as a direct result of the second and I doubted myself yet again, Rambo AND Jenny said – You can do it. You’ll kick even more ass at it.

I believed them. And I rocked that job like none other before me cutting it from over 10 hours to just 1 and some change. I had the balls to raise my rate for this job too knowing I was worth it because Rambo and Jenny wouldn’t lie. And they paid it without blinking an eye – to keep me.

On the days when I told Jenny I’d never recover from the flood and what it did to my heart….she let me take her there - through the house…as part of letting go. And little by little – I am indeed letting go.

When I would say I wanted to do and be more – since the moment I met Jenny – she has answered those doubts with a simple question….”Like what?” Because to her – I’ve done everything I set out to do and then some. She believes that – and now I believe it too. Anything I do from here on out – is just icing on the cupcake.

When Watermelon was going through her panic attacks and I thought I couldn’t make it through one more day…that I was going to crumble….Rambo AND Jenny would say, “You cannot and will not fall. She needs you. Just be there. This too shall pass.” And they were right.

When I told Jenny I wanted to write – every day – like in a blog but I doubted anyone on Earth would ever read it…she said, “I’ll read whatever you write and I’ve wanted to write a blog too. Let’s do it together.” And that day we began our blogs. And our lives changed…for the better.

There are many more things on the horizon for me – including some day telling my brother how he’s hurt and shaped our relationship so I can stop being mad and telling my father what I regret about my childhood so I can finally feel like I’m being honest with him and we can both move on. There are dreams only Jenny and Rambo know about that I’m going to take on….while they hold my hands the whole way. There are more blogs to come that I hope people keep on reading. There are things I’m going to do with Watermelon to fill up her heart that desperately needs it. There are ways I’m going to break and beat this social anxiety disorder I have – beyond Chicago and picking up phones. There are words I now say when someone hurts me – instead of merely believing them.

I have not lost my flaws. I am crippled in many ways. But here’s the thing I just figured out when I got done hating myself….those flaws – they are mine, they make me – me. They are me as a package. The fact that I can’t pick up your phone call if you aren’t Jenny, Rambo or my mom – makes me Jenny’s BFF, Rambo’s wife and my mother’s daughter. They don’t make me not worthy or less than. Sure, I can work on changing my flaws to become better but if I never did it stands to reason – their love would never falter. It’d probably only grow stronger.

There’s something to be said about realizing that when someone says they love and believe in you…that they are telling the truth and you believe they are. When you don’t believe – you taint the feeling they are expressing…instead of accepting it with gratitude. And when you believe them – man, you feel like you can move mountains.

I told Jenny about another dream today – one that would probably consume all of me – and in a nutshell she basically said, “Do it.”

And in a nutshell…..I simply said………”Okay, I think I will.”

It sounds simple to some of you – to not hate who you are. I am here to tell you – it is not simple. It’s the kind of not simple that makes me cry as I write this knowing that today – this post – marks a turning point for me. I am done hating. And the relief in that statement is all-consuming. I can’t put it into words.

Suffice it to say…..

I finally made it.

And I hope you do too.

Your it is waiting for you…..go out and find it.  And then come back and tell us all about it...I'll wait as long as it takes....just like you waited for me.


Justawallflower said...

That is so wonderful that you made it! I hope to someday make it! I want to believe my husbands and mothers compliments, but I'm not there yet. I have faith that I will get there in due time, but until then I will keep getting my inspiration from you and everyone else out there! You really are inspirational! You should know that about yourself!

Jen said...

Ahhh...I'm smiling from ear to ear and crying happy tears. You finally SEE what I've seen all along. BIG HUGS to you!!!

Lisa said...

Wow Draz. That is quite an epiphany post. Congratulations. You really do deserve to feel good about the awesome woman you are. It's great to read such inspiring words.

MrsFatass said...

I am inside out smiling for you. Inside out.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

I'm crying. Draz, you are amazing! I think yesterday was climbing a mountain for a lot of people. I saw plenty awakenings on here and just yesterday I told you of my old self hate. And then Grace blogged about it as well. I am proud to say, I have found IT too and I do know the magnitude, awesomeness, awe, fascination, and glory that are to be held in self love! I am so happy for you. I am so happy you began this blog. So happy you have completed goals with confidence and more are to come! I think I need to sit and write about how I found my IT a few months ago. Thank you so much for all you do, all you write, your encouragement, and support. The blog world would NOT be the same without you! *Love*

Julie, The Accidental Fat Chick said...

There you go making me cry again! I'm so glad you have made IT... you have come so far & I know your potential is limitless!!!

Reading this, I realized I have spent years feeling like you describe having felt... especially as far as feeling like everything I do or don't do is wrong in some way and letting people walk all over me. The thing is though, I've never felt like I hated myself until I read your words today. But in reality maybe that's the problem, maybe I do hate myself. Your words are a turning point for you definitely & I think a turning point for me... in facing my feelings for what they are so that one day I too can make IT. Thank you for your words and for being YOU. :)

Pamela E. Williams said...

Awwww, the best post today!! The best I tell ya!! It is so good to have friends that stand by you and make you see who you really are. Rambo and Jenny see the best in you even when you didn't see it. So cool.

Lucas said...

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!

"The fact that I can’t pick up your phone call if you aren’t Jenny, Rambo or my mom – makes me Jenny’s BFF, Rambo’s wife and my mother’s daughter. They don’t make me not worthy or less than."

Wonderful. SO happy for you, like BEAMING happy!

andy said...

such a meanginful post

Bonnie said...

I'm so happy that you've had the breakthrough and I'm sure Jenny had a part, but don't sell yourself short again. You put in the work and you deserve the reward.

Roxie said...

Besides being utterly happy for you making it where you have, let me tell you how awesome I find it that you have a friend like Jenny.

You appreciate that friendship and her too. The love flows through your blog.

I hope to find someone like that one day Draz. You have something special there.

Sandy Lee said...

How could you not love someone as wonderful as you. We do! I am so glad the baby steps are turning into a marathon. One step at a time is all it takes. I'm off for a few days in Vermont. I'll be singing at the top of my lungs in the car as I'm driving down by myself to stay with my sister in a cute little inn. Make lots of icing for those cupcakes, because you'll need it. Love you babe. And that's the truth. Now if I only had your phone number... Would you answer if I called?

Camille said...

You are such a wonderful soul. You are IT!!!

amandakiska said...

So happy for you!

Darlin1 said...


Barbara said...

We knew you were the best.. I always considered you one of the "cool" kids that had IT going on..

kagead said...

The very best thing about this post? This day? Is that the VERY BEST is yet to come. Onward and upward, my fabulous friend.

Cindylew said...

Can't wait to see what you accomplish next.

Kristin said...

Fantastic. You and Jenny are such fabulous complements to each other. GO DRAZ GO! I can't wait to see what you do next. Before we know it, you'll be ruling the world.

Read said...

I love this post - Congratulations!! - It was the first few steps towards my IT several years ago that led to among other things getting band surgery. I'm not there yet, but I'm on the right path.

Your spirit just pours out through your words and we are all enhanced for reading them. I thank you for it.

I wish you peace and strength with respect to your issues with your brother and father.

And finally - I totally agree with Jenny about your new dream "Do it!!" It doesn't matter what it is - if it's a dream - go for it!!!

Kiki said...

That's just awesome. There's no stopping you now!

Diz said...

Best feeling in the world...huh babe. :) Now, just hold on to "it" as long as you possibly can. That's what I'm always afraid of- that I'll lose this love I have for myself lately. But so far I haven't lost it, and you probably won't lose it either- if you keep it in the forefront of your mind and heart. I HEART YOU!!!!



Miz said...

Wow, Woman. Im smiling GRINNING FROM MY CORE.

so much so that I cant even stop to tell you how I covet your writing ability.

(oh, ok. apparently I can. and I do)

Hold on loooosely but dont let go (of the it. sing it with me?)

MandaPanda said...

This post just lit up my morning. I'm so glad you finally found IT. I'm not even sure what my IT is but thanks to you, I know it's out there just waiting to be conquered. You are so incredibly self aware. It inspires me to dig deeper and really try to find out who I I'm pretty sure I've been lost for awhile now. Thanks so much for sharing this.

Scuttleboose said...

LOVE IT!!! You go, girl! :)

Gules said...

This is one of the most beautiful, honest, heart felt posts I've read in a long time. I continue to struggle with "it" as I knock myself down before others can do it. People give me compliments and in my head I don't believe them. I have so much to work on, but after reading this, it all seems so simple. Congrats on the epihany and for Jenny and Rambo for support. You rock!!

Joia said...

You make me proud to know you!