Thursday, October 7, 2010

Scatterbrained at best....

First off, I suppose I should ask for forgiveness. This may very well be the most scatter-brained random post ever. I’m sorry.


• 85 days left in the year my little lollipops! How’s it going for you? I started on Monday of this week getting back to basics and have lost 4.5 lbs so far. Got my ass back on the treadmill to piss Sheniqua off and last night walked 3 miles with Rambo. That’s a workout every other day and that’s a helluva change from last month. Bring on the holidays I say!

• I don’t understand life. A 47 year old woman from my town died yesterday. Just a few short weeks ago, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer and yesterday – gone. She had kids in high school and a loving husband. I don’t understand and I pray with everything in me that some day…every one of them will see the reason.

• I love Bon Jovi. Enough said. (a song of his just came on the radio)

• I’m annoyed that it is always the same parents doing all the work for meetings, fundraisers, and events. Always the same parents making donations and giving time. 5% of the time I’m resentful that I’m one of those parents. 95% of the time I’m proud of myself for being something my parents never were. I swore I’d be involved and I am….and I stopped the cycle.

• Armed escort day for Rambo. He left at 3am and I won’t get to know if he’s okay until about 5pm. Strangely enough, I’m not worried. If there’s one thing I learned about Rambo – it’s that he can take care of himself and that every day his sole mission in life is to come home to us.

• There’s a piece of me that was buried deep that is starting to dream again. Believe it or not, I have crazy dreams of what I want to do with my life and sometimes they are all I can think about. I spend hours planning, drawing, writing, listing, praying, hoping and believing. Once in a while I even mention one of the dreams to Rambo and he listens and every time says, “Go for it…you’d be great at that.” I think it’d almost be easier if he just said, “Forget it, that’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.” But as it is…he gives me a sliver of hope that it’s possible…if I had balls. Most of the time I bury my dreams…I let Drazil take over and tell me I’m crazy and that I don’t have the ability to make any of these dreams come true. But lately – a few ideas have come out again, a renewed enthusiasm has sprouted and a little glimmer of belief has appeared…and I find myself thinking maybe…just maybe….

• That’s all I got today. My mind is filled with preoccupations and stress and worry – though I feel good. I feel like I’m on the eclipse of something – but I don’t know what it is. I had another migraine last night – for no reason – other than my body is physically trying to tell me something. This is my birthday month and while I love birthdays and always looks forward to them…they do make me wonder….what in the hell have I done with my life? The answer is usually quick and it’s always from Drazil….”Not much babycakes, not much.” And that’s not acceptable….I was meant to be more and do more….but again, more takes big balls. And we all know I only have a whootenanny. Does it count that it’s exceptionally smooth?

12 comments:

Pamela E. Williams said...

Well dang you read my mind. Those last two bullet points encompassed what I have been dealing with for the last two weeks or so.

With my son I was always that parent and yes it was only about 10% of the parents participating. It would irk me, but then I would always get proud for being there for my son. It makes a difference in children's lives. Kudos to you and all the parents like us!

Your birthday is this month? WHOO-HOOO!! Are you a Libra???

I pray that the family of that lady finds peace and strength.

Lucas said...

Ask your friends and family what you have done with your life. I think they will have a MUCH different answer than stupid Drazil!

And YES! A smooth whootenanny counts for a LOT!!! A WHOLE LOT! :)

MrsFatass said...

We have a glimmer together. And I think we're going to have a blast figuring it all out.

kagead said...

Reread your post. Then read it again. Done? Read it one more time.

Then, think about what you would tell one of us if we said:
1. I know what I want to do with my life
2. I have the support of the most important person in my life
3. My body is telling me WHAT do do

You don't have to do it tomorrow, or even next year. But, you OWE it to yourself to start taking the steps that will lead you there. Consider this post step #1. Can't wait to see #2.

Smooches.

Liz - Lizzle - Libby Lou said...

First, Kudos on stopping the cycle! It is a VERY difficult process and you do deserve mucho respect for doing so! Second, what you HAVE done (as far as I know) is birthed and raised beautiful children (not always perfect), are with a wonderful man, and you have lost weight on your own! You work multiple jobs, fight every day to be unrealistically perfect, are a great friend, and somehow manage to do all the things and more...than what is required of you. So THIS year on your birthday, I better not hear any bitching or complaining. Because you, my friend, are Mrs. THANG and you are wonderful! THIS YEAR, celebrate how truly great you are!

Diz said...

Even if you died tomorrow babe, you did a HELLUVA lot with your life. Are you kidding me? Married your soul mate, produced two beautiful babies who you are the mother of and guide and teach either through example or in other ways everyday; you go to work; support your family (I mean extended family here) either financially or emotionally; workout and keep yourself in great shape; be a parent who is involved (you just said so yourself); are social with other couples, parents, and friends that you already know; meet new women and go to new cities and have crazy adventures; try new things all the time...you've LIVED! YOU'RE LIVING! That's what life is my friend- it's the day in and day out. What else is there? What more can a girl ask for or want? You have everything my friend. Don't let these moments pass you by because these are the moments that make us who we are. Cherish your girls while they are small; Cherish Rambo while he is still young. Cherish yourself.

I hope you know I say all of this with all the love of my heart and you don't think I don't know where you're coming from. I do- I go through this crap everyday (I was meant for more- I'm on the cusp of something big- etc). I understand the feelings you're having...all I'm saying is you're pretty freaking fantastic as you are right now. You're MY HERO! ILYGM!!!!

D

Bonnie said...

Sorry about the migraines. From what I've read, you do a lot with your life and I'm sure your hubby and kids will agree.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Wait a second.

NOT MUCH?!?!

Drazil lies. Let's get one of Rambo's guns and kill Drazil in the woods. Do you suppose that your life will be better? I think it would be hard to get away from the habits themselves, and not just the stupid Draz himself. Sheniqua's gone, do you suppose that you'll be too lonely?

Let's kill Drazil regardless.

Angela Pea said...

Oh yes. Drazil deserves a lynching.

The CilleyGirl said...

Whatever happened with the ski slope bump on the vagizzle? These are the things inquiring minds want to know!! (because they distract us -- and you -- from the serious stuff ;) )

Mary H. said...

Maybe you are already doing what you were meant to do and you don't even know it :) I think that what you write about and how you support others is a great thing. We are all little pieces of a big puzzle and if we all do our small part, the world will fit together and we'll ALL get the big picture ;)

Blossom said...

I have those thoughts all the time -- what have I done in my life? What difference will I make when I'm gone? I always feel like I'm meant to do more than I do/have. But you have & are - you have two girls whose lives you impact daily and who knows, maybe one of them is destined to be president or something. So you ARE doing something!