Saturday, November 27, 2010

Events #1 through #3 done...on to Event #4.....

Looking back over the past year...I've come a really long way.  I know this.  I can see it.  It is evidenced in the places I have gone to that I wouldn't have before.  It is wedged deeply in my writing.  It is ensconced in my still healthy body.

And yet....I have so far to go.  Last night was event number three in a row of going out.  I was ready.  I got all spiffed up in leggings and knee high boots and a fitted shirt even though I was uncomfortable as hell because it was all so fitted.  I always feel better in shirts that are size 5x and show not one inch of my curves...but I've worked hard for this body so wearing fitted clothes is something I'm trying to be better about.  I even put on perfume.  Got out the fancy Guess purse.  I was excited. 

And by the end of the comedian show I was ready to go home.  Like now.  My stomach hurt bad throughout the whole show.  My nerves were shot though I didn't even feel nervous.  I was sweating through my leggings.  The physical signs of how hard being social is for me were still apparent. 

I was pissed.  I have no idea what that comedian even said half the time.  I spent my time just being pissed.  Pissed at my stomach, pissed about wondering if I should go to the bathroom or not, pissed that I may leave a sweat imprint on the chair, pissed that in a great place with people I love - my body still reacted that way.  Pissed beyond belief.

But whatever - I enjoyed, I ignored the stomach pains, I prayed the sweat wouldn't show and I got through.  And I'd do it again if you asked me.  And I'll keep doing it - until the physical signs are gone that this is hard.  I'm stronger than all of them combined and I will not stop living to prevent them.  I wasted half my life doing that and I'm so over it.

Enough said.  I gotta go. Event #4 is in a few hours and I've got another fitted outfit to pick out, hair to do and perfume to put on. 

I've got a life to live and memories to make.  And dammit - that's what I'm going to do.

14 comments:

Dizzy Girl said...

I'm so proud of you baby girl!!! You are conquering your fears- that is a HUGE step and a step most people don't ever take. Or want to. But you're doing it- and you're inspiring tons of people to do the same.

Having said that- I would've been sweating through a comedy show too- they freak me out- bad. I'm always scared the comedian is going to single me or whoever I'm with out- and I absolutely LOATHE being in the spotlight. So good for you for getting through- most times I won't even go to comedy shows. :)

xoxoxo- D

Camille said...

It's gotta get easier every time. Next thing you know, you'll be the one on stage!

Maybe This Time said...

the trick is to live large-not be large! so glad you're willing to share your journey!

Justawallflower said...

oh, I am so happy for you! just think where you will be a year from now! have fun tonight.

~Lisa~ (Mrs C) said...

Way to GO!! Life is to be enjoyed - and I am happy to see you're enjoying it!! Keep pushing and have FUN!

Sandy Lee said...

The last line said it all. You have memories to make for you, Rambo and the little girls. Have fun all dolled up!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

WooT! You ROCK!

Nicole said...

Love the last line!! Hope you have fun tonight

Darlin1 said...

My girlfriend and I were asked to leave a comedy club---because we (she) was funnier than the comedian--

Enjoy! I'd love to go with you!

Band-Babe said...

You'll be proud, I did not back out of dinner with my siblings tonight. I did however RUN to my car when it was over, and cling to my husband while shopping.. I would be most content if it was always just the two of us. Funny thing is, he had fun at dinner. Go figure!

Sam said...

Here, here!! You go get um and have fun! It will get easier everytime you step though the door.

Kiki said...

Good for you for being willing to tolerate the discomfort! Each time you push yourself like that you'll get better and better at it.

Kristin said...

Go Draz Go! I agree, it will get a tiny bit easier every time. You may not notice the difference from one event to the next, but I bet from event #1 through event #10 (any events, I mean) you'll notice that it's easier.

I'm proud of you!

MrsFatass said...

I love how you keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. And I love how you and I both stress about whether or not we leave sweatmarks on the chair.