Monday, November 8, 2010

Heifers and fatties.

Yah, you read that right...I said heifers and fatties.  Before you all puff up and grab your pitchforks - hear me out.  It's kinda funny.

First off - no one in my real life (except Rambo) knows I blog.  And if you remember, back in September I went to Chicago with 50 other bloggers.  Of course my sister and mother wanted an explanation of who these women were and how I met them.    I couldn't say, "They are my blogging sisters."....so instead I said they are from a health and fitness group I belong to.  Not even a lie right?  And they bought it. 

So yesterday I was with my sister.  I, of course, was thinking of one of you guys and was telling a story to her and I said, "She's one of the HF'ers."  HF as in healthandfitness-er.  My sister gasps and says, "She's one of the "heifers"??" 

Did you call one of my girls a HEIFER?  She says, "I didn't - YOU did."  Oh no I di'int!! 

And then I explain what I really said.  Laughter ensues.  And as revolting as it sounds...I have now tagged myself and all my other blogging sisters as heifers. 

I'm pretty sure that means you're all gonna oust me out of the group now right?  I'm sorry...it's a little funny though right?  Right?

Moving on to fatties.

While with my sister yesterday we went to a jumping kid's place where you can go all day and...well...jump.  Bounce - run - leap - fall - jump - and laugh your ass off.  We were being the "fun adults" and went in with the kids.  Jumping, acting like fools and screaming.  I fell out of a tube onto a little girl.  Um, I nearly killed her.  She got up and went away so apparently she still had her lungs.  I'm still laying on my stomach and I look up and my sister is now catapulting toward my head.  Whomp!  She lands on top of me.  We're screaming and laughing so hard we cannot talk or breathe or move really. 

Right then - a woman from animal control - seriously her shirt says animal control on it....comes over to us and says, "There is too much weight in this corner girls.  Please vacate the corner."

What the what?  We look at each other and we're like "Did she really just call us fat?"  We didn't have time to answer cuz she was still standing there giving us the evil eye - like get your fat asses out of my corner.

Here are the facts.  My sister is like 5'9" or something and weighs 130 pounds and is a size 3 to 5.  Mrs. Animal Control wasn't talking to my sister.  She was talking to yours truly - 5'3", 160 lbs, size 5 rarely, 7, 9, and 12s depending on the brand and the day.  Thank you Animal Control.  Duly noted.  I'll move out of your corner you crotch-head. 

Yes, people, I'm aware Animal Control was just doing her job.  But all day my sister and I carried what she said like a badge of insult.  We told everyone we knew, "Animal Control called us fat today."  Sometimes you just gotta laugh don't you think?

26 comments:

MrsFatass said...

Oh man this is hilarious. First, no argument from me on the heifer thing. Heifer is a great word in my book, and because of this post I'm going to try to use it 10 times today.

And you know as well as I do Animal Control wasn't talking to either one of you specifically. She was talking about the combined weight of 2 adults in one corner of the kid bouncy thingie. But the bigger point is that little story is so chock full of funniness. I mean, ANIMAL CONTROL? Maybe she was calling you ANIMALS, not FATTIES.

I love you fatty.

Love,
Your Heifer

Liz said...

This bought a smile to my face :) Love that story, sounds like you and your sister have tonnes of fun together!

Fiona said...

Well done for keeping your cool and seeing the funny side. You did not mention what size Animal Control was? And how funny that she is now and will forever be know as Animal Control? I would rather be a Heifer anyday xxx

LauraLynne said...

At least she didn't ask if you had your shots - right?
I love the bouncy jumpy places!! I went to a bachelorette party at a grown up trampoline place that was a hoot (of course, I was still heavier then and embarassed because I couldn't do all the stuff the same as everyone else - but that's different now - I want a rematch!)

Pamela E. Williams said...

The best part is that you and your sister had a ton (excuse the pun) of fun!!

Ms. Animal Control lady just jealous, LOL!!

Joia said...

Haha! What a great day with some great memories for you :)

Ice Queen said...

He-he-he-he.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

You handled the animal control lady better than I would have. I wouldn't have been able to resist saying exactly what I thought about her. People should learn some sensitivity.

The Ninja said...

I'm jealous of folks who have grown-up available bouncy places. The only one in our region is a kids only bouncy place, and my girls look like they have so much fun there.

A co-worker of mine calls all of us heifers, and I agree it's more funny than offensive. glad you found some things to laugh about this weekend.

tessierose said...

I got trapped in a bouncy thing once, it was horrible, the more I laughed, the further I sunk into the abyss, glad you guys made it out okay!
Too funny!

Brooke said...

I love when an injoke seeps into everyday conversation and gets used in that spirit. Once I was trying to call a little kid a jerk but the letters got jumbled in my mouth and I called the little shit a jark instead. So now whenever my GFs and I wanna call someone a jerk but they're not a major jerk and mayber they're under the age of 12 in which case it could be considered kind of shitty for an adult to call them a jerk, we call them a jark and it works perfectly.

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh my god. that was too funny. I'd gladly be a heifer in your group.

and animal control, go lock her in her truck.

Kristin said...

Heifer? Why didn't you just refer to us as BOOBS?

Kristin said...

That would have cleared things right up, no?

Kristin said...

Hi Draz - me again. I was just kidding, I know you couldn't tell them. It just seemed at least as crazy to refer to your BOOBS friends as your Heifers.

Sometimes my attempts at humor don't quite translate in the written word...

XOXO

amandakiska said...

I agree with Mrs. Fatass - Animal Control wasn't calling you FAT, she was saying that two adults in a children's activity center weighed too much.

Great story!

Sherry said...

OMG. LOL! Sounds like a convo my sister and I would have had. You slay me.

Joey said...

hilarious.
I wear the term fattie as a badge of honor :)

Dizzy Girl said...

I love doing stuff with my sister! Sisters are the best- aren't they? Some of my best memories are from me and my little sister (littler in all ways!). Love her, love you- love everything about this post. ILYGTD. D

Cindylew said...

I'll be your heifer any day my little cupcake.

The CilleyGirl said...

She could've tranq'd and tagged you....

Miz said...

Oh MY GOSH

she did NOT say please vacate the corner?!

come here to visit and Ill bring you to the jumpy place with us and git right in with you.

Stephanie said...

Moooooo....I'm proud to be a heifer!!!

Miss S. said...

Sounds like animal control is jealous she's not a Heifer!

phoenix gastric bypass surgeon said...

We all need a support group to get ourselves motivated. And you have fun sisters right there!

Bonnie said...

Love it!