Friday, November 12, 2010

Learning how to drop-kick....


Such a stupid word. Short. Not much fun to say. Carries a negative tone. Not used very often. Just a stupid, stupid word.

It’s better than a lot of others though. I mean let’s face it – when I say words like black hole, depression, anxiety and fear…the words alone produce a physical reaction in me and they are literally hard to say, feel and even type. Angst? Not so much. I can say it, feel it and type it and it doesn’t produce the physical nausea that other words do for me.

Today that stupid word is how I feel. Side note: Does anyone else notice that this place feels and sounds like a confessional these days? *sigh*

Another confession - yet another flaw – another “not new” find….but another thing I finally might be ready to admit and work on and change. Angst. And worry. They are twins and they live in me 24/7. It never ends. I worry in my sleep. I worry in my dreams. It comes complimentary with the paranoia I wrote about yesterday. Drazil has more best friends than anyone needs in a lifetime. They all play hopscotch together. Him, Sheniqua, Paranoia, Angst, Fear and the Need for Validation.

I hate them all. Every last effing one of them. I want to drop kick them one by one and watch them flail in the air and land with an incredible thump…never to inhabit my body again.

I mean I get that everyone worries. I get that. Dare I say and dare I admit that mine is obsessive? Like off the charts? Like all-consuming? I worry about worrying too much. LOL I’m convinced my worry is the sole cause of my migraines. I worry until I’m physically sick. My worry plays a part in my social anxiety and it makes me someone I am not. I play out scenarios in my mind that even Satan couldn’t think of. Even his mind can’t go that dark. And then I go into proactive mode and I fix and I heal and I plan things out to the last millisecond so that my worries never come true. Which as we all know is a freaking futile act. It’s a crock. What will be – will be. Period. Worry and angst never had the power to prevent a damn thing.

Lately my “angst” is about Rambo’s job. He’s a state worker and our state’s budget is crazy out of control and we elected a new Governor and rumor is he has plans for a massive cut of state jobs. State workers they say – make too much money? Really? That may be true for the state worker who writes parking tickets or guards the front steps of the Capitol BUT not Rambo. I’d dare any political pundit to do his job. To get feces and urine thrown on him, to treat men who rape 2 year olds with dignity, to strip search gang members, to be on constant alert for contraband, to suit up in full riot gear daily to physically restrain a man who has nothing to lose….for the same pay that I, his wife, makes….sitting in an office – safe and sound – all damn day. Bullshit. And then you want to cut the amount of co-workers he would have to rely on in those dangerous situations?

I implore you – send your spouse into a room full of 200 men in general population who again – have nothing to lose – who roam freely – with hits out on their heads and axes to grind and hate in their eyes – alone. That’s right – one guard – 200 men. Any of you feel comfortable with that? How about you Mr. Governor? Would you stand in that room? I think not.

Like I said – THIS – is the root of my angst today. It’s either Rambo with less co-workers to rely on or Rambo gets cut leaving someone else’s loved one with less Rambo to help them. And maybe it’ll never come to that. Maybe it’s just political ramblings and rumors. But it pisses me off.

And it gives me angst. I hate angst.

It makes me believe that in one fell swoop of a Governor’s pen – we’d be living on a box in the streets. See? I told you I can paint the darkest of pictures.

Angst makes me lose myself…in worry. And remember me? Gentle, loving, happy me? I love Care Bears and Skittles and farting gumdrops and wearing pink underwear and blue striped socks to piss Martha Stewart off.

Angst doesn’t match my underwear or my blue socks. And God – I’m so tired of wearing it.

I think it’s time to drop kick angst. Who’s with me?


Bonnie said...

You know I'm always with you, Girl.

Joia said...

I'm down!

Amanda said...

Let me know if you figure it out -- I'm the queen of worst-case scenarios, and my husband is the only other person (outside of Sane!Amanda, who huddles in a corner of my brain at times) who can drag me out of the funk.

It's aggravating.

Jen said...

I wouldn't be able to kick that one either.
No way.

tessierose said...

Hang in there sister! I hope it all works out for you guys. But as my momma used to always say, "worry won't change the outcome!"

rskmom said...

My hubs and I are both state workers. I feel your pain. It sucks.

Read said...

Angst sucks, but it's a great hangman word; only one vowel - sort of like phlegm, the all time best hangman word.

I'm sorry you have it and I'm totally ready to help you kick it's ass (I'm really hung up on whether it should be its or it's. Usually you only use the apostrophy if you're saying it is, but this is an ass that belongs to an it so it should be possesive... man the things that stop me, oh well).

I do my ever lovin' best to banish angst into one of my patented (is that how you spell that? geesh) lidless, hingeless boxes in the back of my brain - espcially when I have no control over the outcome of the thing that is causing the angst. It works about 35% of the time and I'm not sure of the overall cost of such a procedure.

But I'll stand with you any time, any where!

Xina said...

I have a bad habit. I constantly imagine the absolutely worst case scenario that could ever happen. The only way I deal with that is to imagine it playing out to the end in my mind and then imagine how I would deal with it all. I come up with a plan. It makes me feel better, more in control. Like no matter what happens I can handle it. For this reason I have contingency plans in place in case of Nuclear melt-down at the local power plant. I know exactly what we would do and where we would go if Armageddon broke out. I have allowed myself to imagine what we would do if my husband were to die, go to prison or up and leave unexpectedly. And in my mind I go through all the different options until my imaginary self is ok. I still have worry, but it feels a little better having a plan. I guess that's because I'm a control freak.

Jess said...

I do it too. I can barely have a happy moment with my husband because when I do it's instantly destroyed by my constant thoughts that I will lose him one day if he doesn't lose me first. It's sickening, debilitating...awful. I can't just chalk it all up to "well that's life". Life is a bitch if that's the case and to me living a life is a cruel joke if all you have to look forward to is losing those you love and eventually them losing you.

I feel for you. I know these feelings you deal with very well. Just take a deep breath. That's what I do.

Dizzy Girl said...

I hate angst too. I hate that it's sticking it's ugly neck out around you right now. However, I understand why you have it.

Kick it to the curb sister. Right now Rambo still has his job. You still have yours. Nothing has happened today that would make the imagined scenario real. Try to focus instead on what can be done today; what needs to be done today. I'm not saying this condescendingly. I'm saying this to help you kick angst's ass- because as long as you think about Rambo losing your job- angst is going to hang around like a bad habit.

But it's FRIDAY! Time for the weekend! Time for a break from all of the angst and other things that bring us down. ;) I hope the sun is shining where you are- it is here. And I'm going to enjoy it today. Hope you enjoy it too.



The Ninja said...

I think you can do it and, if you wear some of those break neck heeled shoes you talk about all the time when you do it, the Angst may be so bruised it will never come back!

Raegun said...

Hang in there, girlie!

amandakiska said...

Hopefully public safety will be the last to experience cuts. It is just so important!

But for now, take a deep breath and know that if the worst happens, you guys will be okay. My fella has been out of work since December and while my pay barely covers bills, gas for the car and groceries, we have ENOUGH. There's not much left for extras, but we have everything we need and some of the things we want.

Besides worry doesn't help the issue one iota.

Joey said...

You risk your life at your job too. I mean you could catch a chill or something. But seriously folks...try not to worry too much, it's really not going to help things. XO!

Joanna said...

Hey, I tagged you in my blog today. Hope you check it out. :)



DiZneDiVa said...

Hey Draz... I am so sorry that your stress level is so high, I really hope everything works out ok. Anyway, I will send some happy thoughts your way. Give yourself a hug from me. XOXO. *M*

Cindylew said...


lauren pattycakes said...

I'm a state worker too and all i hear about is how much we make! i feel your pain. good luck!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

BIG LOVES, and first we shall beat Angst down, driving it off, then we get in our big trucks and run it over again and again

Stephanie said...

You need to kick angst to the curb and try to focus on the positve in your life and not on the things you can't control. If you focus on the negatives, they will overwhelm you and take your focus away from your family and when that happens, angst (and what a total bitch she is) will win. You are stronger than her and you will persevere. I've been there myself and I just learned to let go. It's hard, but it is possible and the world will be a brighter place with your angst gone. Hugs to you!!

Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I don't know..... I do angst pretty well myself....

I drive my husband crazy with my worrying. Instead of that cute dog, it should have been me in the commercial with the song, "Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble......"

I'm sorry to hear that Rambo's job could be in jeopardy. That is an incredibly difficult job that he does. I'd like to drop kick this economy.

Hang in there! Think positive thoughts and I'll try to do the same.

Fiona said...

I feel your angst, I really do. I am so full of self doubt Im sure that's all that's in there. Seriously there can't be room for anything else, oh except the guilt I feel for making everything about how I feel. Anyway I will not tell you not to worry or a problem shared is a problem halved, it's all a crock. Whatever is said you will worry just the same, it's who you are.
I will send positive thoughts your way and keep everything crossed for Rambo. It's disgusting that the staffing levels are so low without even thinking of cuts. Good luck to you and yours and we are thinking of you xxxxxx