Sunday, November 28, 2010

A myriad of expected....

Wowser.  Event #4 is over.  This one is probably the only one where I feel like I overdid it with food a bit.  Which translates to mean - this is one where I was most nervous.  It was immediate family. Isn't that funny?  The ones closest to me in literal blood make me the most nervous.  Part of me feeds off my Dad - who is so nervous - he almost visually paces in front of everyone.  I can see the red splotches on his chest that everyone else misses - because my chest looks the same.

My two brothers came...for a few hours.  I didn't speak much to either of them which is pretty normal.  They aren't home often so they needed to speak to others they rarely see more.  I get that.  My sister forgot to buy a gift for her Godmother.  She said to me:

"Did you buy something for your Godmother?"
I said, "Yes."
She said, "Nice."
I said, "What?"
She said, "How could you not remind me to buy one for mine?  I remind you of stuff all the time."

WTF????  I went by myself to go buy mine.  Noone reminded me.  How is this my fault?  I'm so confused!!  You don't remind me of with my kids, husband and 3 jobs and other crap.  I later heard my mom tell her she was sorry she didn't remind her and my sister said, "It's no big deal, I shouldn't have yelled at you."  But I never got that apology.  Wow. 

And the size 0 women there - off the charts.  And yah, most of them are indeed mothers like me.  They are all probably 10 years younger than me and unhappy in their marriages and their faces show that the reality is they are just too stressed to even bother with eating but doesn't stop me from wanting to be them.

All night I felt like the ugly duckling and I just wanted to now.

Today, Rambo let me sleep until 11am and he's making cinnamon rolls.  Yay - more sugar and fat.  Just what this lardass needs.

Yes - calm down - it's fill yourself with self-hate day around here.  This is the only day without an event but it could be the hardest.  Today I don't have to get myself ready or build myself up - I can just be....which means the feelings of internal dislike come.  All I can think about is how tomorrow I have to go back to being corporate and go back to loving accounting and meeting deadlines no human should really be able to meet.  I have to leave the house - again - and be the me people think I am.

Holidays like this exhaust us all.  I get that.  But believe me when I say people with this much social anxiety feel it about 30x more than the average person.  It is fatiguing to have my emotions strung that high for so many days and leave the house so many times and be scared and nervous for so many hours at a time. 

For most of my life - it makes me literally wish there were no holidays.  No days off work - because for me - anything more than two weekend days - makes going back nearly unbearable.  It is why I rarely, if ever, take vacations. But I digress...

Anywhoozle...don't mind my nasty attitude.  I stepped out of CareBear Land for just a minute.  I stopped farting gumdrops but I'll get back to it.  I'm determined to finish 2010 out strong.  I can and I will do this.  I am worth it.

And seriously - farting gumdrops is just fun.  I miss doing it.


Jacquie said...

Yes, you definitely are worth it!

Out of this whole post, the part that I am sitting here scratching my head over is "Today, Rambo let me sleep until 11am and he's making cinnamon rolls." God Bless you and him! A man who can cook is one thing but a man that bakes? Now that is something to be thankful for!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I love you sweets.....hang in there ; )

DiZneDiVa said...

You speak what alot of others feel. The holidays are difficult for everyone but forced social outings are at the top of my list too. I love the spirit of Thanksgiving & Christmas but you can't go far without seeing that is it hard to find in the outside world. XOXO *Maria*

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I can relate to everything you said. Family, the holidays, the stress, the trying to keep up the image everyone else has of you. I can't manage that anymore. My facade of strength and control has slipped badly. Being my real self though doesn't feel like an option. The self I know myself to be isn't that great. Hugs to you.

Stephanie said...

The new year is coming and you will look back and see how far you have come over this last year and you will continue on your journey of change and self improvement! Be proud that you have come so far and know we love you no matter what!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Hey, Drazil?

I like it that the real you seems to be coming out. Any emotion is felt, processed, and accepted. Love it. Also love that you are so determined.

Hate? That it is so hard to be social, and stand up for ones' self all at the same time.

Also. what do you belch?

Brooke said...

Hey there Draz, glad you posted that. I feel like a phony a lot of times, especially around work. Actually I feel a bit schizophrenic! Depending on the persn involved, the situation, etc, I can come across as confident and because I am naturally shy, some people even think I am arrogant. But from the time I was a teenager I adopted a persona of being the fun, crazy, wild, funny fat girl who makes everyone laugh. So depending on who you`re talking to, you could get a totally different view of me.

Which is like, hmmm, imagine how I feel. I know that neither of those personas is the real me, they`re shields, to keep me from getting hurt.

They work, but they`re also exhausting. I hate getting pushed around, but I also hate being the pusher (and sometimes in life, we all have to push back, esp wé work and family). I hate feeling excluded from the fun and the action, but I also feel exhausted from socializing- even with people I like.


Basically I feel as though I have a secret, hidden life sometimes. It`s good to know other people struggle with feeling okay in their own skin, too.

Dizzy Girl said...

I still love you the most!

The good news is- this too shall pass. One more month- and we are DONE with holidays for another year! YESSSSSSSSSSS

XO- I love you like horses love sugar cubes. :)

Brooke said...

Sorry I threw up all over your comment section- next time I`ll try to blast off some Skittles for you instead!!!!


Also- why is computer putting weird punctuation all over the place.

Lonicera said...

Oozing sympathy with every line I read - but one thing came across loud and clear, and with every post of yours, and that it that you are greatly loved by your husband and kids, and that you have a loving and peaceful home life. I think that's quite rare.

Band-Babe said...

Ok, well from the comments, it looks like there are lots of people who have difficulty with all of this stuff... holidays, putting on the party face, and dealing with real life on top of it all. Is angst normal? YOU are a wonder woman for making it through this weekend!!!

Jen said...

The best part's over. You can relax now.

MizFit said...

and DONE.
until the next.
may I hire you to visit my inlaws for christmas for me?

we can fart skittles & good-n-plenty.

Lisa said...

Hang in there girl...

MrsFatass said...

Dont you love it when other people get ticked at you for not making THEM be responsible?


Anywhoozle, you're you and this is where you are right now and I love it. And you. Write about watching paint dry for all I care, I'm here.