Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Sick and twisted.

I tried farting a gumdrop yesterday….and all that came out was a black jelly bean.


I contemplated not blogging today…only because as of late this blog has turned into a hot mess of negativity and really – who wants to read about someone whining every day like a broken record? Not many of you I’m guessing. Soooo let’s just keep this short and sweet mmkkaayy?

How I feel about the holidays is a toss up for me. I don’t have catalog Christmas memories filled with lights and rosy cheeks and family. I just don’t. I’ve done my best to create new holiday traditions with my own family but of the 10 years Watermelon has been alive, I believe Rambo has worked 8 of those Thanksgivings and Christmases. Hard to make a “family” tradition when half the “family” is gone. Yes, yes I know – be thankful he has a job, be thankful he’s not in some country fighting a war….I am…but remember? For the moment this is my short and sweet bitch and moan pity party….I warned you it wasn’t going to be fun.

I put my neck out Friday night. It is literally painful just to sit still. I put on my big girl panties and made myself suck it up and went to the chiropractor even though my social nerves were on fire. It didn’t help. I feel worse.

Being unable to move my neck makes it impossible to work out. I feel lazy and lethargic and large. No – this is not where you say, “Draz…you are not large.” I get it. But today remember? It’s piss and moan day and I get to feel large if I want to. I have on leggings and knee high boots again today and ladies – there is some serious junk in my trunk. Like wow. It’s definitely a fat day around here. Ugh.

Um yes…keeping this short and sweet. Today is sucktastic. I want to eat everything in sight but I refuse to. I want to shoot my own head off. I haven’t had a Skittle bath with Rambo in days. I haven’t slept well in what feels like weeks and I’m beginning to look, act and feel like a walking zombie. It ain’t pretty.

Oh and wowser – to start my day let me mention this. Banana screamed as I walked out the door. It happens to the best of us right? I figured after I left she’d be fine. Nope – Watermelon called TWICE before 7am to say Banana is kicking and screaming and refuses to get in the car which means Watermelon can’t get to school on time. Jesus. Seriously? What should I do 20 miles away sitting in my office?

I gave birth to heathens. Most people birth angels…I however, spawn the children of Satan. Cute as hell…but they are the devil. And luckily it seems that the 5 year old just learned how to be sassy and fight with the 10 year old. Oh God – it’s fun. Constant bickering back and forth and yelling and taunting. I can hardly wait to go home at night. I assume there’s a rule book somewhere that says kids must possess worse and worse behavior in the days leading up to Christmas right? Seems that’s the only rule my kids can follow. Great.

Okay – that’s it. Happy Effing Holidays from Draz and Sheniqua….they’re running the show lately. It’s kinda obvious isn’t it? Only Draz can fart black jelly beans. And no lie – Sheniqua eats them.

Sick and twisted I tell you. Sick. And. Twisted.


Stephanie said...

Whine away, hon. If it helps you feel better to vent and write, have at it...better that than to have you fall off the face of the earth! :)

Justawallflower said...

So sorry things are sucktastic lately! By the way, my daughter follows that same rule, the closer we get the worse she acts. I told her the other day, if she doesn't straighten up my nightly talk with the big guy was not gonna be a good one! anyway, hugs to you, and I hope you can return to the land of skittles and gumdrops soon!

Amy W. said...

Your feelings about your Christmas past remind me very much of Heather's feelings about Christmas. For her, her family didnt do the tree and lights and Santa...it just was. I mean, they did things, but not like my family. It wasnt a special time to come together and make traditions.

But kudos for you for trying to make your own traditions and giving your girls good and happy memories.

Hugs butterbean. Hugs and kisses.

Brett said...

Farted a gumdrop...you are funny even when miserable. As the stay at home mother of two dramatic daughters who could win Oscars, I totally get it!!! And that's why they invented wine and Valium :-)

Hang in there.

MrsFatass said...

I'm not sure I'll ever look at a black jelly bean the same way again.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Draz, I've been whining for days and you have been over there offering all kinds of support. Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone has days like this and sometimes even weeks or months like this. Hang in there and gripe all you want because getting it out there does make you feel better. Hugs.

tessierose said...

Hang in there Sister!

The Ninja said...

We've got your back and if anybody has a problem with the bitch and moan fest we'll just aim your tush at them and you can fart a whole bag of black jelly beans in thier face.

Angela said...

Your feelings are yours. Right or wrong, they are yours and thank you for sharing and keeping it real for us.

By the way, could we be related??? I have two heathens too. :)

Tina said...

I like black jelly beans :) ..Screw Christmas why not celebrate the holiday on a different day when you are all at home? Holidays are just asking to be disappointing-too much expectation. If it helps my Thanksgiving sucked-I would write about it but I cannot find the G-damned anonymous blog.


Jess said...

You poor dear. I like holidays just as much as the next gal but not that damn much. To me, Christmas is an entire month of stress and wanting to kick people's asses in Walmart and every other damn store I squeeze myself into.

Perk up, babe! When life gives you lemons, shit lemondrops! :)


Dizzy Girl said...

Jess says shit lemondrops- I say you and I get together and make a few lemondrop shots. That should do the trick- if you're not shitting them, use them to get shitfaced. Right? Eh...sorry about the languagem it just had to be said. :(

You'll get through- blah blah, don't worry, blah blah, you're not fat, blah.

Meanwhile I'm eating half of the state of CA over here. Did I mention at some point my weight was down? HA! Not anymore. I don't foresee it going down anytime soon either. Damn I wish you lived closer.


Love you like princesses love their white knights. :)

Ice Queen said...


amandakiska said...

Can't pay the rent 'cuz s are hard. So here's your fucking Christmas card.

The CilleyGirl said...

I agree with the other comments, make your own holiday day when you can. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas are dates deemed to be so by someone else without much more than their say-so. Make it yours!! We had to do Thanksgiving once the day after, and the turkey tasted exactly the same.

THE DASH! said...

Vent vent vent - we all need it. And I'm thinking farting a gumdrop (round) as opposed to a jellybean (smooth curvy shape) musta hurt like the dickens. You do come up with some funny analogies lol xx love it.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

skittle bath? Mebbe it will help.

Or perhaps, we should get the butcher knife and cut of Draz's tail. Harmless really, it'll grow back. In the meantime, Draz will hide, we will use the tail to freak Sheniqua into leaving town, and keep said tail in your back pocket for the little girls too.

Just think. You'll have all those black jellybeans to yourself!

Band-Babe said...

Ahhhh! Sick and twisted... feels like home!!!