Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Whys, Mice, and Chickens.

Hi lovey dovies. How goes it?

Here it goes….strange, contemplative and exhausted. Funny combination huh? Let me explain.

Exhausted? Well that goes without saying right? I mean really. The pace that is required at the jobs and home has got me back to chicken mode. You know…that whole running around like a chicken with its head cut off deal. We’ve established I can be a cute chicken though so all is well. I’ll sleep when I’m dead right?

Which brings me to strange and contemplative and sleep. Sleep? Well – that’s been hard to come by. I’m a worrier by nature BUT as of late I can honestly say I’m not obsessing over anything special or living stressed out to the nines or biting my toenails or anything. Soooo the fact that I’m having nightmares is a surprise to me. And that the subjects are memorable makes them even worse.

For one….floods. Again…the wetness…in a house I once called home. I’m forced to live in it and see it. There’s no help coming, no way out. I just have to live in the water. And that’s unbearable. I just want to get the hell out. It feels like prison and I am trapped.

And people and relationships. Some shattered for more than 20 years without a single word spoken between them. Those people are showing up in my dreams and we talk. We are family again. Like 20 years ago never happened and words weren’t spoken and lives weren’t shattered into a million pieces. Again…unbearable. To think of what could have been…

The biggest nightmare though comes from my past. Back from when I was in the black hole of depression that left me bed-ridden. My big hang-up during that time was why? I couldn’t stop asking why? Why am I alive? Why am I here? Why can’t I die? Why does it matter? Why do we have to live this life when we all die? Why do I have to ask these questions? Why can’t I live if I don’t get the answers? Just why?

I remember telling my mother I had all those questions in my head back then and when she looked at me like I was an alien, I asked her, “Don’t you ask all that too?” She looked at me without a second’s hesitation and said, “Never.” All this time I thought everyone didn’t sleep because of the barrage of questions in their heads too. I thought everyone lived with the inner turmoil that those questions brought to every second of every day. I thought that was normal. Turns out – it wasn’t.

But big deal right? A few questions we all contemplate I suppose. But no. Not for me. It was like – I’d open my eyes and the first thought in my head was WHY? Why did I open my eyes? Why did I live another day? It consumed me. Without the reasons I couldn’t move or breathe or fight. It wasn’t normal. In a non-depressive non-anxiety-ridden state people don’t ask that or feel that. They just live….and breathe…and sleep…and eat. They just be – without asking and questioning every single moment of every day. It is fatiguing. Beyond any exhaustion I’ve ever felt.

And even then sleep is elusive. For me, it always has been. I can lay awake for hours cursing the universe because I’m so tired I can’t move – yet I can’t sleep. I suppose that’s insomnia huh? I just don’t want to say that out loud I guess.

Back to the nightmare. I can’t shake a feeling lately…one I’ve woken up in a cold sweat about. One that shocks me. Not necessarily that I had the nightmare…but the fact that the question is back.

Why?

I’m questioning the why of my life. Please, please understand this is deeper than all of us wondering if we should change careers or go another direction or leave our lover or have a child. This is why as in why do I breathe? This is why as in when the question comes out – it hurts to ask it.

Rest assured that though the question is back I don’t feel depression is back. To me the only way to describe depression is this. It is a beast. The blackest of black shadows with no face, no expression….just a heavy raspy breath at your neck, behind you…always a shadow. With grisly, huge hands that you can’t see because you feel them…they are wrapped around your heart in a chokehold and every breath is a struggle. And darkness. All of this happens in darkness. You can’t see light. You don’t even want to. Though the chokehold nearly kills you, part of you finds comfort in the sadness. It is what you know. It is what you feel. Coming out of that chokehold is like a mouse moving a mountain. It’s just not worth it….or so it seems.

I eventually figured out that mice can move mountains. And the end to the depression for me means the end to the questions. It does NOT mean I figure out the answers. For me….it just means the questions stop. I don’t question my being, my life, my reason, my everything. I just simply live. It is an unbelievable relief. It is when I know the beast is gone.

But the other night I woke up – clutching for breath and sweating – and asking why. I wonder why any of this matters. We all die. Everyone forgets who we are. Nothing really matters in the end. Hell – I can’t even remember what I did or what I said or how I felt just a matter of a couple of days ago. Why in the hell do I put so much stock in daily feelings and events and material possessions and lives and hate and love and life…..when it really, really, really doesn’t matter?

Take for instance, my Grandmother. A saint on Earth. Literally never drank or swore, walked 5 miles a day, was a vegetarian, spent every day volunteering….dead in her 60s from cancer. It’s been years since anyone even spoke her name. Did anything she did matter?

Or the Uncle who died at 22 by his own hand? Who was once a baby infant who brought joy to so many and as an adult brought laughter and joy to me? Gone – at 22. It’s been literal decades since I’ve heard his name uttered by anyone in the family. Did his life matter? How did the world change with his being in it? Did it?

And me? Gasp. It hurts to even turn the questions towards me. What have I done? How long after I leave this world will it be before I’m never mentioned or completely forgotten? Why do I try so hard when in the end it doesn’t matter? I do not matter. What I say and do today will not matter in the end. I will leave this world. I will be forgotten.

*Gulp* That’s hard to type and feel and man, it’s heavy - but calm down everyone. Put down the pitch forks. Don’t stab me yet. I know these questions are ridiculous. I hate that my brain goes “there”. I hate that my heart is once again asking them. I want them to stop coming. I want to push them away BUT I believe my big Buddy upstairs is probably trying to tell me something. So I’m trying to listen and figure it out. I’m trying to embrace the effing questions though they scare the literal crap out of me.

I normally equate the questions with the beast. But this time – the beast isn’t here. Just the questions. Hence the strangeness of how I feel lately. It is one thing to have a nightmare with substance and people and places and events. It’s another to wake up in a cold sweat and the nightmare is simply “Why the hell am I breathing? Why must I go on living when it’s all for nothing?”

I’m not trying to find the answers. Seriously – I don’t want answers. That would validate these questions and give them meaning. And to me, these questions are silly and ridiculous and 99% of the time my head never asks them….which is how I want it. There are no answers to some of these questions.

Life just is. Moments just are. We all will die…but it shouldn’t stop us from living. We matter.

And mice can move mountains remember?

Strange, contemplated and exhausted I shall remain. I can handle that because there is no beast….no chokehold this time.

I may look and act like a chicken with my head cut off…but rest assured my friends….I’ve got a little mice in me too.

10 comments:

The Ninja said...

Fools give you reasons, wise men never try. I belive that's a song lyric but it seemed apt considering all the why's. I am sorry about the dreams, I have had a few strange one's myself recently.

I hope you get to sleep well Draz.

Justawallflower said...

The only thing I can say is that if there is a lesson to be learned, or something that needs to be revealed to you, just keep listening. Otherwise, I hope you feel better and have sweet dreams!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I've had a similar feeling. I too find that by the time I'm finished describing that feeling, those thoughts, people are worried. Yet, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about in the first place.

Thanks for consistently trying to be understood, even though we often misunderstand you. I feel it's important. <3

Angela said...

I think its a process and progress. Everything evolves as do we even when we don't see the change.

This post brings to mind a conversation my coworkers and I had this morning. We all heard the same thing, in this case we read your blog, and we each took something different from it. Thank you for sharing and giving me what I needed to "take" from this post.

Have a great day!

Anonymous said...

All i gotta say is YOU ARE GREAT AND THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT ;)

amandakiska said...

I do think most people think about those things. Some find the answers in God, some find the answers in our children and grandchildren as we pass on our genetic material, some strive to make their mark in this world through fame or infamy. Of course there are no answers.

I re-watched the first Harry Potter movie last night with my kids. I am reminded of the wise words of Professor Dumbledore as spoken to Harry, "It doesn't do any good to dwell on dreams and forget to live.".

Sam said...

Why? Because you can do it!!!!!!!

You are one strong lady and you can get through it all!

Sleep well tonight Drazil.

Dizzy Girl said...

I once heard a talk by a wise man- and he was talking about people who meditate. Now, I have nothing against meditation at all, but what he said really struck me. He said, you can sit around all day and contemplate your own existence, and contemplate the molecules in the air or whatever you want, or you can get up and do something. Help someone. Make someone else's life easier. Sitting around thinking about it all day doesn't change anything. He then went on to explain that God wants us to do something- help others, lift their burdens, make their lives easier. Jesus said that those people who lose their lives for his sake- find their lives. While I'm not trying to get preachy- I do think these things have merit and require thought. So many people sit around and wonder these same things- but in the end, what difference do these thoughts make in our lives? How have we made a difference?

They were trying to teach us (or me anyway) to get out there and do something. When I start freaking out and call my mom- she asks me what I've done lately. The answer is always the same- sat on my ass and contemplated everything and wasted time. We may never have the answers to these questions- but is your life any different?

There are people who are not forgotten in this world; but they are all people who did something- something for the rest of us- humanity. Jesus, Buddha, Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Martin Luther King. Who else? They all did SOMETHING. What you do matters.

XO- D

Band-Babe said...

Ah! Another great post, Draz. A good reminder to live in the moment. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am warm, dry, comfortable and everything is absolutely fine, and let go of unnecessary worry and appreciate the right now.

MrsFatass said...

Your Why's are my What Ifs, and when I tell somebody about them who doesn't get it, it's the worst feeling in the world. I just want to die when that happens. But, then I meet somebody like you, and we get it, and I feel like the sun has come out from behind the clouds.
I love you, Draz.