Thursday, December 2, 2010

Honeybuns, news and delayed epiphanies....

Here it is folks – the epiphany blog. Let me just say right now that this isn’t going to blow your mind. I mean really you’re probably going to read this and think, “She calls THAT an epiphany?” I’m going to sound like a complete moron – because in truth – most of you know what I just figured out. Turns out I’m just a little behind the rest of the gang. I have a slight learning curve. Yah, let’s go with that.

First before the epiphany I have BIG news. I’m pretty sure some of you are going to comment and tell me I’m an idiot who has lost her ever-loving mind but um – where have you been? I lost that a long time ago.

Many of you know that quite a few of my followers have lap bands. Many of you know my best friend has one. Many of you know I go on trips to big cities with 50 women – of which 48 have lapbands – in the hopes that secretly while one of them is sleeping I can throw their skinny ass in the bathtub and cut their lapband out and take it home to insert into my own larger than life stomach. (Really – have you all checked to see if you still have yours after Chicago? I’m just sayin.) Many of you are quite aware that I’m jealous on a daily basis of the lapbanders and their ability to get full by eating the one gumdrop that I fart.

Sooooo….the news is….Rambo and I are going to be lapbanders.

Holy shit – did you fall off your chairs???

Well get back up and keep reading. Let me rephrase…we are going to be PRE-lapbanders. The truth is I’ve got to get off sugar. I’ve learned a lot from my friend Dizzy and for her sugar has been an addiction that she literally treats just like a drinker treats his alcoholism. She has to abstain completely. She attends 12 step meetings. She reads, researches and studies. She counts the days she is sober. She makes a consistent effort to notice the good changes in her body when she is off sugar.

And I want that. I had 86 migraines last year and this year while it’s less it’s up in the 60s. I’ve never found a common trigger other than lack of sleep and stress AND sugar. More specifically a sugar binge. A little sugar won’t cause one but overload will trigger one. Shouldn’t that be enough? Nah – it’s like cigarettes causing lung cancer….um people still smoke right? Well, this girl still eats sugar by the dump truck load. I mean some of you talk about binging on a candy bar or a few M&Ms. I’m not kidding – for me it’s multiple candy bars or the whole bag. It’s an addiction. It’s about time I say it out loud and treat it like one.

I also want to get back to running – not just a little – but a lot. Like I’m going to complete a half marathon next September. It’s on my bucket list. Enough said.

So yes, Rambo and I decided to be pre-lapbanders and do the 14 day liquid thingy you all do. For him it’s a jump start to more weight loss and for me I hope it gets me to my final goal. I respectfully request info on what is considered okay on this liquid diet if you would be so kind. I may add smoothies which I know is probably not on your liquid diet but it’ll be minimal calories and protein added. Is jello okay? Broth yes? Mountain Dew? No? Shitballs. Wish us luck – I have to plan when it’s going down tonight.

Okay – now I’m tired. Turns out this won’t be the epiphany blog. That’ll be next week maybe cuz I thought of doing a BYOC tomorrow for the fun of it. I miss your BYOC answers and it was fun.

Also, it’s a helluva day here. Work is going to be the death of me. Not the work – the food. Huge cinnamon bagels with 50 kinds of cream cheese with milk and orange juice for breakfast here. Lunch was brought in by Pizza Hut. Oh and afternoon birthday snack for a co-worker is chocolate brownie thunder ice cream. Lovely. Yes, I am aware eating all of these things is a choice. I just pretend I forgot that part today.

Oh oh – and in case any of you are wondering about how Rambo is after his assault – he’s fine. Wanna know what pissed the inmate off? Well Rambo of course BUT it was over a Honeybun. You know those sticky round buns of honey that no one can resist (I think they are made by that crotch named Little Debbie or maybe it’s the witch named Hostess)? Yah those. Turns out said inmate was upset that during a cell search Rambo would take his Honeybun and throw it away. I know – imagine someone throwing away a Honeybun.

But he was right – Rambo would have thrown it because Rambo has no feelings for prisoners BUT the officer below Rambo promised the inmate he could keep the Honeybun. Rambo said, “Fine. I can deal with that. Let him keep it if that gets him out of his cell.” When the inmate began shoving the Honeybun in his mouth instead of standing to be handcuffed – Rambo said, “That’s it – we’re done – you’re coming out!” That pissed the inmate off and the assault ensued.

There’s a moral to this story I’m sure. Don’t mess with a man’s Honeybun. Yah, I think that’s it.

And yes - my daughters are still alive and well and kicking even after not having TV in their room.  Turns out their brains can function without TV.  Who knew?

Epiphany email will come…soon. I promise.


Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, Good luck with your plan. My advice is that if you are going to do liquids, do liquid protein. Stop in at a GNC or a Vitamin Shoppe and pick up some protein powder that you can mix with skim milk or water. Protein is more filling and will keep you from feeling weak from the lack of real food. My favorite proteins are BSN Lean Dessert and Syntrax Nectar.

MandaPanda said...

Yep. Definitely gotta have the protein shakes. They're nasty but they fill you up and they work. I heard Click protein is good but I haven't tried it yet.

tessierose said...

Good luck, I never did the liquid pre-diet, so no advice here, I don't think I could do it.

Bringing Pretty Back said...

Isn't it the BEST when you come to a decision! Good for you!!!
Have a pretty day!

Justawallflower said...

hey hey, sounds like you have a plan in place! yes to the soup broth, and yes sugar free jello, and even sugar free pudding! Best of luck to you! And is it bad of me to have gotten my daughter a t.v. for Christmas.....with the intentions of using it as something to hold over her to enlist good behavior? oh yeah, and your an idiot who has lost her ever lovin mind!!!! so just kidding! ;)

Justawallflower said...

oh yeah, and to put my two cents in on the protein shake, I love Jillian Michaels protein shake. It is at the dreaded Wal-Mart, and costs $10. and if you make two a day it will last a week.

Jen said...

OMG- Have ya lost yer ever lovin mind?
I did it. I'm a survivor. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy let alone my BFF. (Hello BFF!!!)
But if you do it, I'll wish you well. lol
Should I make you an awesome 14 day liquid diet calendar scrapbook like you made me? I still use it!
The diet was:
2 or 3 Slim Fasts (or Opti Fast) per day, (Cant' remember)
I'll see if I can find it tonight.
I still think yer crazy.
You are PERFECT how you are.
I do agree about the sugar though - you know that. It's EVIL!

Jen said...

OK - I just read Just a Wall Flower's post. I swear I didn't see that before I posted.
JINX - I owe you a (diet)coke!

Barbara said...

You know Draz.. do you have an official start date for this pre lapband diet.. cause I think I am up for a major distraction that would be helpful if I knew someone else was suffering along side with me..
and OMG.. how do you nerves hold up with the worry about the prisoner stuff.. cripes.. that requires nerves of steel but so glad to hear that RAMBO holds up to his name.

LDswims said...

Glad Rambo is ok, glad the girls are surviving no tv in their rooms and strange news to hear you think the pre-op diet is something you want to do. But more power to ya...

My pre-op diet was "shake" in the morning, "shake" at lunch, 4oz of protein at dinner and unlimited veggies with that. Snacks and drinks could be SF jello, SF beverages, jerky (beef or turkey) and SF pudding. No cheese or dairy at all (I cheated and still used my yogurt for my smoothie). Coffee was ok, but black.

For the "shakes" I did smoothies at breakfast. The only fruit allowed were berries since they are complex carbs and generally low in sugar. To make smoothies for hubby and I both (he did the diet with me) we did this:

4 oz greek yogurt, plain
8 oz frozen berries
2 tbsp flaxseed oil
1 tbsp fiber

and blend.

Lunch, one of my staples was - and I absolutely love this, to this day! - warmed chicken broth (in the microwave for 40 seconds, depending on the microwave) and then add a scoop of unflavored protein powder.

You have to get zero carb whey isolate protein for this diet. I have found that Isopure (sold at GNC) is the most reasonable, although it's expensive. The unflavored truly is unflavored and you can do a lot with it.

And doing that diet, mostly not cheating, I lost 12 pounds. Hubby lost 18.

That's the one I followed. Jerky made a huge difference in the whole thing, as did being able to eat veggies unlimited. Drink lots of water, though, you will get ketone breath...

Just my $0.02...

Camille said...

You are crazy. The liquid diet blows!!! But...Muscle Milk Light is good stuff.

Cindylew said...

Mine was simple but hellish...14 days of nothing but 3 slim fasts (I did low carb variety because it had the most protein) per day. That's it except for water.

amandakiska said...

Definately include the protein shakes. My favorite are the Premier Nutricion shakes available at Costco. They are pre-made and very yummy. 30 grams of protein and just 140 calories. As far as what was included on the liquid diet, it was a week of clear liquids (broth, jello, see-through juices, coffee), one week of full liquids (cream soups, protein shakes, smoothies) and the third week was "mushies" which included Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. Make sure you eat at least 50 grams of protein a day.

Sandy Lee said...

How did I miss the assault post???? Or did you tell me in this post. I'm so confused.\

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T go on the liquid diet. It isn't worth it. Go back on the low carb diet you did last summer. That way you will still get in the chew. You can always substitute a few liquid meals but believe me, you will cheat. Really. I think you did low carb really well. Especially at this time of year. Lots of meat and salads can't be all that bad. And if the vision of that inmate eating a honeybun isn't enough to turn you off carbs then I don't know what would be more graphic. Maybe a bit of poo smeared on it.

Ah Ha! You are now off carbs. My work is complete!

Dazee Dreamer said...

Wow, I've been reading Dizzy and I commend you both for going off of sugar. That would be way to hard.

Linda said...

OMG - I have a lapband and I didn't do a 14 day liquid diet! You go for it and I'll cheer you on. The Click Espresso protein drink is good.

Maria said...

My pre-op diet was 4 weeks of Optifast. Ick! Thought I will still gobble up an Optifast chicken soup if it comes my way -- they're strangely good!

Ice Queen said...

Cutting sugar is good. Going on a pre-band liquid diet is hardcore.

I am glad that Rambo is okay. If my husband did that kind of work, I would be a wreck. You handle it very, very well, m'dear. :)

Band-Babe said...

Listen to Sandy! The reason lapbanders are sometimes asked to go on liquid diets before surgery is for the liver to lose fat before surgery. Obese and morbidly obese people are at a high risk of having fatty livers knicked during surgery. Livers bleed and it's difficult to stop. The great thing about bands, is that they can help stop the crazy dieting. Stick with protein for fullness, but there's got to be a better way to live with food, even without a band. I had to come to terms with real food, because in the real world, I can't diet forever. If anyone can figure it out, it's you. I just love you and don't want you to torture yourself! Liquid diets have a place, but ugh!!!

Read said...

I never had to do one - but more power to you if that's what you want to do. I will sometimes do liquids for 2 days - and that's more than enough for me!! I use the strawberry/kiwi flavor of this

Nectar protein powder - it's very good. Every morning to this day I mix a scoop (at least) which is 24g of protein along with powdered vitamins and calcium with water and drink it on the way to work. I totally recommend it and I bet the other flavors are good too, but I've only tried this one.

Dizzy Girl said...

Okay! I'm finally home and can comment. Babe- you know I support you 100%. But after reading all the other comments- I think you should reconsider this. Here's why.

Having been someone who knows what HELL you're going to go through cutting sugar, like I told you earlier today- do one thing at a time. No need to completely go off the rocker or you'll never make it. Do one of the other. If you're going to cute chewing- then don't worry about sugar- you'll be hungry enough as is. If you're going to cut sugar- give yourself some breathing room and eat! Trust me- you will thank me later for that.

Also, I never got to tell you this because my phone was on the fritz this afternoon and then I had to deal with psycho (you know who), but you will need a few "tools" to help you cut sugar. One is something motivating to read when times get hard. Yes, a list of the reasons why you're doing this will help- but I suggest you also find something else to go along with that list. Maybe a scripture? I was praying- a LOT. I know that sounds kind of lame- but seriously- I needed help sometimes getting through because my roommate was always throwing dessert parties and I was SUFFERING without the sugar, but it being in my face. I also have scriptures and my ARP book. You will need things to help strengthen your resolve everyday- try to find a quote or something that inspires you.

:) I guess the rest I can email you? XO!

Miz said...

Im old school and LOVE my Met Rx protein shake.
made with cold coffee and not water.

Im healthy like that :)

Ginger said...

well that was a kicker, i was thinking why in the h#!! would you want to do a lapband but it is all making sense. i need to be clean from sugar too no headaches sound divine