Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I Wish Wednesday....

I Wish Wednesday….my once a week wish list that I can’t say out loud in real life….for your reading pleasure.

I wish that all of you could experience a morning food orgasm like I did today. That’s right I said morning and orgasm in the same sentence. It can be done. That is – if you eat a pop-tart. My God – who knew fake fruit and processed white flour made in the shape of a square with sugary high fructose corn syrup frosting on top could produce such joy?

I am wholeheartedly convinced that the bastards over at Little Debbie and the assholes at the pop-tart factory are the same people hiding behind different brands. Hot, cold, straight out the box, straight out of the vending machine, on a plate, on a napkin – it makes no difference…the result is the same. Food. Orgasm. Every time folks. Every time. No faking necessary.

I wish that school curriculum would include a little ditty about peeing in dreams. WTF? Peeing in dreams? Yes. That is what I said. Every person on earth should be taught that if at any time you are dreaming about sitting on a toilet peeing – that indeed it means you are going to or already have peed your bed like a 2 year old.

NO ONE dreams about toilets and pee on purpose. The only reason a toilet shows up in your dreams is to tell you to get up and PEE NOW. So yes – tip of the day….if a toilet is in your dreams – WAKE the hell up.

Or -- stay in bed. Dream of toilets and pee. Feel a slight warm sensation. Think to yourself, “Oh my bed is so toasty, warm and LIQUID – coming out of me???? What the f*ck is going on?” Shitballs – yah – you just peed the bed. The bed you share with another human. Yah, try living that one down.

THIS folks – is what happens when I try to drink water like a whale all day. It comes out in the middle of the night…in my bed.

I wish that you all would laugh me over this next little story. Rambo’s mom has lost her ever-loving mind. Let me tell you about the conversation re: the effing mixer and the lost pants that we had last night.

Rambo: It cost $60 to get the mixer and to ship it back and the pants were $60 so we’d like $120.
His mom: So we owe you $170 then – cuz the pants were $50?
R: No. $120 covers everything – pants and mixer.
M: Okay – so $170 is what we owe you because of the pants?
R: (insert massive voice raising here) NO - $120 is everything. $60 mixer, $60 pants.
M: Hmm…we’ll get you the $170 then.
R: (insert Rambo throwing phone) – okay not really but wow. I saw veins pop in his neck.

At this point I told Rambo to take the $170. I can always buy more pants.

Can’t imagine how we bought the wrong item can you? This is how they communicate. Oy.

Oh and remember how I said I figured that on Cmas Day when we’d all be opening presents from his parents that maybe we’d find she had wrapped the pants up accidentally? We told her that we thought maybe that’s what had happened and we’d see on Cmas Day.

She called back last night after the above convo and said, “Did you find the pants in a present?”

I nearly choked. Um, you were there when we opened all of them. Did you see pants? Did you see me doing cartwheels praising God that they’d been found? Did you think we found them and just never told a soul in the middle of Cmas with you? There really aren’t words are there?

I wish I had played the Wii before. Tonight we are hosting a Wii party with our sitters and our girls. Everyone wants to play Wii on the 58 inch TV. I’m nervous…because it’s after work and at my house and sort of entertaining and all that but suck it up Buttercup right? I’ll put on my granny panties and grow some cahoneys and maybe even a green donkey dick or two and kick all their asses in bowling or tennis or whatever the hell it is you do on a Wii.

I swear to you though – if that thing tells me I’m obese….well I’m smashing it with my large cahoneys. It won’t be pretty.

I wish I had some self control when it comes to Rambo. My alarm went off at 5:30am. I arose from my bed at 6:10am. For those of you who suck at math – that’s 40 minutes. Dammit. Every time I tried to get up Rambo wrapped one of his manly tattooed arms around me and would wrap us up like an enchilada in his blanket. What is a woman supposed to do with that? I tried to move. He’d whisper, “Stay a few more minutes baby.” Ugh. I guess I do have 4 weeks of vacation to burn. He’s all warm and soft and naked and the only thing that tops a morning pop-tart orgasm is being wrapped up like a burrito with Rambo in a bed you peed in just a few hours ago. I tell you – I could live in that burrito. It’s everything I’ll ever need. Well, that and pizza.

Suffice it to say if Rambo ever figures out the power he has over my self-control...I'm screwed.


That’s it for I Wish Wednesday. I must go….there are gumdrops to fart and Skittle baths to take.

What do you wish for today?


Sherry said...

I hereby denounce you and your blog for being evil and talking about the bliss that is pop-tarts when I am spiraling down a tunnel of sugar detox. Just for that, I'm going to have to go find "Pinky" and create my own orgasm. You can decide for yourself who/what "Pinky" is.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

You crack me up, Drazil. THIS is why I get my water in early in the day and then slack off at night. I haven't had a bed-wetting incident yet but can imagine that it would be very possible given the amount of water I'm drinking. I did have an episode like you describe when I was 6 or 7 though, dreaming I was on the toilet and then finding my bed wet. I take meds to sleep so I am out cold most of the night. Thank God there have been no toilet dreams so far. Yikes!

Amy W. said...

One time, I must have been about 17...I was dreaming I was putting out a fire with a fire hose...I woke up to find that I was standing on my bed...peeing all over it.

Bless our little hearts.

Jess said...

Haha! I remember the last time I had the pee dream I was like 10 years old. Brings back memories.

I love how sweet you and Rambo are together. I know just how that feels. It's wonderful.

tessierose said...

You kill me! My kids like pop tarts frozen...I don't do pop tarts...Holy cow there is something actually bad for me that I don't even want!!! Today is a good day.

LDswims said...

Too funny!

Love you!

My MIL and hubby and I had a similar conversation the other day. It went something like this...

MIL - the road construction is now finished.
Us - yes, we know, it's been done for over a year.
MIL - well this is the first time I've seen it done so it's only now that I can say it's done.
Us - yes, we told you a year ago it was done and you could start going that way again.
MIL - oh you did? Well, I must have known better for some other reason because the road construction just finished.
Hubby - no, Mom, the road construction has been done for well over a year.
MIL - well, it wasn't for me.

WHAT? We travel this road daily...and we've seen nothing for over a year, daily, that resembles road construction. But because YOU didn't see it're right, it must not have been. We just didn't know. Thanks for the news. We feel better now.

We were laughing about that this morning as we got on this, apparently, newly constructed road this morning. It's nice that all those work crews and all that equipment cleared that MIL said it's done.

Ice Queen said...

Drazilla, you kill me.

Sounds to me as if your MIL is loosing her marbles. Just take the $170 and forget the stress.

Actually, I do pee in dreams, sometimes. Usually in a cushion or a toilet that is super tiny and high up in the air and really close to the wall. Then I have to pee again. That is when I wake up (in a dry bed, thankyouverymuch!) and have to run to the bathroom, for realz.

Rambo brekkie burrito. I hope you have many more mornings like that. :D

Read said...

What I want to know is why the morning orgasm was a descripton of a pop tart and not the Rambo burrito?? These are the questions I ponder....

I was drinking while reading about peeing - I amost christened my monitor. Very funny - and I almost did it again reading Amy W's comment. Thanks so much!!!

Dizzy Girl said...

Love it! Love you!! You'll kick ass at the Wii. It will NOT call you obese; not now, not never.



MrsFatass said...

Best Wednesday post ever.

And did you ever read the one where I explained how I peed on Trophy Husband? Yep. Same dream.

Barbara said...


AmandaJane said...

um...sitting at the front desk answering phones is definitely not where I need to be when reading your posts Drazil...soooo glad no one called, I couldn't quit giggling! :)