Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It is time....

It’s Tuesday. I’m still in “it’s heaven that it’s a normal weekday with routine” land. I’m farting Skittles like pez. It feels good to be here – in a Tuesday, at my desk, blogging.

My mental health relies heavily on routine. I hate that sometimes as then spontaneity can be nonexistent but I know what I need and it’s routine. I do envy people who make plans on the drop of a dime, get ready, go out, have fun, come home and get up the next day like nothing out of the ordinary happened.

I just can’t do that. My friend Mrs. Fatass lovingly calls it the “re-entry”. It is literally physically difficult to re-enter regular life after being overstimulated and gearing up to deal with something non-routine like family get-togethers on Cmas. It is not just feeling tired like most people.  Re-entry literally feels like recovery. 

I need routine so much that for me – it goes so far as being difficult to just take a day off work. More than one – and it’s nearly impossible for me. I get five weeks of vacation a year and in a week I’ll be getting paid for 4 of them. I rarely use time off because I can’t. More than one day and it’s too hard to come back…the routine is messed up…my head is messed up.

Don’t be sad for me. It is neither good or bad…it just is and I know what my body and head need to co-exist peacefully. In 10 years, I have never worked a full week at the full time job. I take a few hours off each week and I live for those hours. They are mine and they are what I can handle. It’s all good.

Good God – where am I going with this?

Oh yes – I have a point. I’m beginning to think of New Year’s resolutions. I love lists and LOVE new beginnings so this is fun for me. I’m sure there’s never been a year when I haven’t made a list.

This year though – no resolutions. Only intentions.

And they are gonna be some doozies. And many can be credited to what I’ve learned from a full year of blogging.

I’ve done some real mental growing over the past year…probably even some regression. The thing is though – for the first time in a long time I know where I want to go. I know how I want to feel. I know I want to let go of some pains I’ve been carrying for years. It is time.

I feel like this may be my most important intention list yet. I have changed and learned more from a year of writing than I have in most of my life and I refuse to let it be for nothing.

The list is scary but exciting. And for once the majority of the list isn’t about fat or the abundance of it and getting rid of said fat. Oh, it’s on there but it’s not dominating the list.

I’m on the cusp of something big internally – and it starts with these intentions. It’s time to dig deep, let go, forgive….move on. It’s time to realize my worth, stop filling voids with stuff, practice more self-love and learn how to be easier on myself. It’s time to relax standards and learn to be good enough. It’s time to stop thinking I can change someone or make them love me. It may be time to re-visit therapy to put some of these things to rest once and for all. And amidst all of that – physically – it’s time to complete a ½ marathon.

It is time.

Are you making a list? Are they resolutions or intentions?

If someone told you everything you wrote would come true and be fulfilled…would it change what you wrote?


Ice Queen said...

I make a list of intentions, also. I don't believe in resolutions.

I hope that 2011 is a blaze of fabulous for you as you expand and grow into yourself. :D

Corletta said...

I am making a check list of things that will be accomplished in 2011!!! Some may consider those a list of resolutions, but I consider it a list that will have check marks all over the place. By the way...I appreciate this post! I appreciate your honesty. By the way....therapy is a wonderful thing!!! I'm totally a believer :)

Justawallflower said...

I understand what you mean about being scheduled, and how making plans sporadically will throw you off for days. For me it isn't quite as extreme, but I need to be scheduled, and if things don't go according to schedule I don't deal with it very well. I love the list though. I really should sit down and do this as well. I also like the running a 1/2 marathon goal. I want to do that, but don't think I will be ready this year for it. I'll work toward it though.

-Grace- said...

Intentions not resolutions! Love it!

Liz said...

I'm making a list of wishes! Resolutions rely too heavily on "do it" mentality, and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, they don't come to be.

~ Darla ~ said...

Re-entry! That's a great term because that's what it's like. I am the same as you in regard to routine (like a child, really). I need routine. When I'm away from work, I don't want to go back either (but I still risk it and I tell you it's like re-entry as well). I plan on being more spontaneous next year :-)

But seriously, I know that it's my underlying stress and anxiety that drives the need for routine, however, over the years I have really, really, really improved. Time and meds have all helped. Remember to relax and enjoy your intentions this year.

Band-Babe said...

Do you remember the "word of the year" for last year? Mine was "spontaneous"- which in retrospect was good for me, and also a little silly because I also thrive in a structured environment. I have no idea yet of what my word for the year I'd like for 2011. "Homicide" is probably already taken, so I'll have to come up with something else... ;)~

Sam said...

I like the idea of intentions, I reframe from making resolutions as they never last, but your idea has grabbed my attention and could be the way for me. I will think on it some more :o)