Tuesday, December 14, 2010

It remains. It is constant. It is mine.

** Disclaimer: I never meant to “go off” in this blog or take it in this direction but it is what it is. It has no point or flow…but it has heart. And it’s what I feel today….

Hi Skittles ~

How are ya? I’m doing well. This is Day 8 of my little homemade detox from sugar and caffeine and but for one slip up I’m doing great. I forget which day – but day 3 or 4 – Aunt Flo came to town with her sleighful of goodies named cramps and migraine from holy hell. Let it be known I have a high pain tolerance. Translation – so high that I’m an idiot and wait until the last possible moment to take a pain pill for my migraines because the pills are VERY expensive. I only get AF for one day and it’s light but 99% of the time she brings a fatass migraine. This one was a doozy. Took THREE pain pills to knock it out. I was contemplating an ER visit and some IV pain meds and tears were rolling.

Sooo yes – I had a Mountain Dew and a cookie. I guess to take my mind off the fact that I wanted to die. And because caffeine can ease the pain a bit. Yes, yes…I know….no will power, no self control, I suck, I disappointed myself….yup, I got it. Negative self-talk ran amuck after that BUT it’s done. My new goal is more self-love so that negative self-talk is over. 8 days in now and my loss is a solid 5 pounds and I feel better (minus the migraine day). I did an hour on the treadmill the night before and 45 minutes last night. The real kicker is I enjoyed it. Who knew?

So hate me if you must but know – I didn’t give up.

Taking care of myself spills over into so many other areas of my life. I need to remember that. At work, I’m more productive, feel more successful, carry myself with a little more pride and wear heels every day for the hell of it. I dress up…even though I don’t have to. I smile more. I “feel” healthier. I feel sexier.

Case in point – Rambo worked nearly 18 hours during the blizzard this weekend on one hour of sleep. To thank him, I decided to stand at the top of our stairs in his fave black lingerie holding a beer when he walked in. Nothing says “Welcome Home” like that right? My point is – not eating well, not working out, not taking control – and I’d probably not have done that because I didn’t feel I could pull it off. I wouldn’t have wanted to. I checked myself over in the mirror and damn if I didn’t even care that said lingerie might as well have a neon arrow pointing to my c-sec/tummy tuck scar. I actually kinda laughed.

I knew Rambo wouldn’t even notice. Beer. Lingerie. Wife. What scar? What roll? What imperfection?

I’ll never forget being in high school after dating for a few years when I finally decided I’d let Rambo see me naked. I’ll never forget the look in his eyes or him visibly sucking in his breath at the sight of me. No scars, no rolls, everything was tight and firm, even my boobs were big back then. And he looked like he’d seen an angel and I’d given him the gift of heaven.

I’ll mostly never forget that 20 years in – when he opens the door – I still get shy and blush and he still sucks in his breath and stops in his tracks and stares. I’m a completely different body and woman now and his reaction is the same. It proves to me diet and sugar detox and all that is just icing on the cake. It doesn’t make or break our love. It doesn’t make or break who I am. It’s merely an accessory to my world I’m honored to live in.

There’s a lot on my mind. Nightmares seem to be rampant lately. Some things are really bothering me internally so if you’re wondering if I wrote this blog to brag – you’re wrong. I wrote it to remind myself that the only thing that really matters in this world is true love. The kind between me and Rambo and my girls. I can have the shittiest day on Earth or the best day on Earth – doesn’t matter – I can still go home to them and they still light up at the sight of me. The love never wavers. Never takes a day off. Doesn’t give a damn about all the other people in my life who don’t love me or them. Doesn’t give a damn that I don’t fit in anywhere but there. Doesn’t notice that I don’t belong. Doesn’t judge me because my heart is broken.

It remains. It is constant. It is mine.

Maybe that’s why I have tattoos symbolizing that love all over me. The tattoos piss off my family and cause them to talk badly about me, make assumptions and say nasty things….but they remain, they are constant and they are mine. I’ll die with them – along with the love they symbolize.

Nothing else really matters. I’ve spent most of my life thinking it did…but the truth is it’s time to let go of that and focus on what I know. I can’t change what you think of me, how much you love or don’t love me, how much you judge me or talk badly about me or think I’m a bad parent or should do just about everything differently.

I don’t go to bed with you at night. You don’t walk in my shoes. I don’t even think you could.

You’ve broken my heart into a million pieces over the years and I continued to let you.

And still - you can’t take away what I have with my family no matter what you say or do or think or feel.

The love between us four….well….

It remains. It is constant. It is mine.

How ironic that you can’t say the same of your own family.

How downright sad that you don’t even know what love really is.  If you could take off your judgemental glasses and for once just see that every day I do the best I can and love with my whole heart and soul and am loyal to a fault...you might see I'm a lot more fun to love than to bash.   

While it's bad enough you taint my dreams - I refuse to let you taunt me when I'm awake.

I will never, ever be good enough for you....ever.  I will never be worthy.  I will never be what you think I should be. 

Oh well...can't say I didn't try.

I'll be okay just in case you were wondering....because I've seen and felt real love.

And it remains.  It is constant.  It is mine.


Justawallflower said...

U r very lucky to be so loved!

Jen said...

Great post love bug!

LDswims said...

Love you, Draz!!!! As I say to my husband - love you much much!

So beautiful!!!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

This is great post, Draz and it reminds me that though Dail and I have been married for almost 15 years and have had our issues recently, it only takes one look, one touch, one kiss, to take us back to the beginning when we first fell in love.

Tina said...

Great post Drazil-I am with you on the tattoo thing, the immediate family thing and the extended family thing!!

I don't know how Rambo can cope with 18 hour shifts! I would be useless on an hour's sleep doing his job.


Amanda said...

This is awesome.

amandakiska said...

You are a lucky lady and your family is too!

Dizzy Girl said...

So happy for you!!!

Stealing Skinny said...

Just came across you the other day. Sounds like you have a painful relationship with the family you grew up in. I do too, although I haven't written about it. Glad you have that love with your husband and girls. :)

Jacquie said...

I think it is Rambo who is lucky to have you in his life! Ok, you are lucky too but still!

Sandy Lee said...

Love this post. Love you. Been thinking of you guys with all that snow. We only have a couple of inches. Keep warm.

Barbara said...

LOL.. Love that you still have that creative spark in your marriage.. and your right.. Live your Own Life and you will Love your own life..

Liz said...

Draz, I wanna be you when I grow up. <3

MizFit said...