Sunday, December 26, 2010

Jingle Bells with switchblades...and still naked.

Let's be clear.  My #1 New Year's Resolution is to be less Negative Nancy and more Positive Patty. 

I said that'll start in the New Year because right now - it's continuation of "Draz hates holidays more than poop and puke talk and maybe even Explosive Man in the bathroom at work" time.

You can read about my Cmas so far here.  I'd now like to tell you how the last Cmas event went after I wrote that blog.

Are you ready?  Here you go:

Remember the pants?  The beloved $60 H*rley D*vidson sweatpants lovingly given to me by Rambo as a sweet thank you for the actual Harley I bought him for his birthday?  They are part of a 3 piece outfit.  Took them to his mom's to be hemmed.  NOW THEY ARE GONE

Well, I thought for sure we'd find them accidentally wrapped up in a present yesterday.  The heavens would open and birds would sing and all would be well in Draz's wardrobe world again.  But nope.  Still - I am naked from the waist down. 

I ask you....is it wrong to cry over a pair of sweatpants? 

No - it's probably more wrong to spend $60 on sweatpants - I know.

Alrighty then - one more update.  Remember that just two days before Cmas Rambo's Dad asks me to order a Kitchen*id mixer online for his mother?  I do it.  With a smile on my face.  Okay, not really but it sounded good right?  I even manage to get it here on Cmas Eve.  Poor little UPS guy carried the 28 lb. box UP my entire driveway in a foot of snow cuz his little brown truck couldn't make it up my driveway.  I'm sure I saw him swearing under his breath.

I spend hours (okay minutes) lovingly wrapping the gift to take to the Cmas to surprise her with.

So it's time to open presents.

She opens it.  She says not a SINGLE WORD.  She just looks at the box.  Confused as hell.

She says, "I already have a mixer."

Rambo's Dad looks at us and says, "That's not what I wanted.  I wanted a food processor!"

JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH AND PETER PAN AND FREAKING GREEN DONKEY DICKS!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

I mean really - whose idea of a cruel joke is this?

Can I mention that I specifically heard Rambo on the phone say to his Dad, "What is she going to do with the mixer she already has?"...to which he replied, "She'll keep it.  It's smaller."

You think I'm angry?  Oh wow.  Angry is not even the word.  He's a grown man who waited 2 days before Cmas to ask his kids to go online and buy a gift for his wife without being specific!!!

Guess who is going to eat the price of getting it here by Cmas and shipping it back?  Yupper...that'd be me!  To the tune of about $80.00. 

Hey - I could have bought another pair of sweatpants for that right?

Yes, yes...I am a Christmas asshole.  I think I can get away with this since on most normal days I'm a happy girl.

Oh, one good thing.  Turns out I'm not necessarily raising a spoiled brat after all.  I found out the 10 year old wasn't pouting over gifts.  Thank God.  I was one click away from ordering "Parenting for Dummies."

Ah and yes...tree and train were down today by 10am.  First time I smiled all weekend. 

Well that and every time I made my kids watch White Christmas for like the 60th time. 

I must go.  I have to wrap up the 16 dozen cookies Santa didn't eat to take to work.  If I see another freaking star or a f*cking sprinkle I'm going to choke someone.

Coincidentally I just found out Rambo will be working a 16 hour shift today.  Lovely.  He left at 4am and won't come home until 11pm.  Not one of us will see his face today. 

Oh, but the prisoners will love it.  Yesterday, he wouldn't allow any prisoners out of their cells unless they sang him a Cmas carol.  Somehow Jingle Bells is a whole lot funnier when you add brass monkeys and switchblades into it. 

Rambo is rubbing off on me...so this is all his fault...he's the hugest Grinch of them all.  He said for their Cmas meal, the prison served pumpkin pie with mint sherbet ice cream.  Ack.  What a combo huh?

The best part about today?

No more wishing anyone a fake Merry Christmas!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

God - I love those three little words.

Bring on the resolutions baby....I am sooo ready. 

And next week, my hooker boots should arrive in the mail.  Again...all will be right in my wardrobe world once those babies are in my hands.  I won't have any pants on but I'll be wearing kick-ass boots.

10 comments:

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, I know you hate Christmas but I enjoyed reading this post anyway. You made the whole sound funny even though I know you are seriously ranting. I have never had the pleasure of watching my MIL open any gift I ever gave her. I'm thankful for that. I can only imagine her reaction as she lifts her superior nose into the air at ANYTHING that comes from me. I'm thinking I may save the blueberry popcorn she gave us this year and give it back to her next year. I don't have a FIL. By all accounts he was a wonderful man but he died when Dail was about 3 years old. I can't imagine that he would ever have pulled a stunt like your FIL did. Dail may have his faults and he may not know all that much about my likes and dislikes but he chose my gift himself. He went out and bought it himself. That makes him a cut above a lot of other husbands. I think your FIL is a total ass for not taking the blame for his own thoughtlessness. I'm truly sorry about the sweatpants. I would be upset too. At least the holiday is over now and you can move on. If possible, I would replace the sweatpants. You deserve them.

Kristin said...

Good news -- Christmas is over for a whole 'nother year!!! xoxo

Dazee Dreamer said...

I don't want you to get all positive patty on here. I love your rants. makes me feel better about ranting myself.

I still can't believe your MIL lost your sweatpants. god. hold me back from that woman. and your FIL, tell him next time to do it his damn self. rat bastard.

DiZneDiVa said...

How do you spell... Dysfunction? I wish you came home feeling full of pride and love... but thankfully it is only once a year and now you can go back to basics... in awesome new boots! i would say don't "fret" over it but knowing you that would fall on deaf ears. You are amazing whether you see it or not. Happy Friggin' New Year! Enjoy!

Ice Queen said...

Drazzie, repeat after me... "No." Again. "No." Still isn't penetrating your skull? Again. "No."

Doesn't that feel fantastic? Next time your idiot FIL waits until the last frakking minute, "No. I am busy and it can't be done. Find another option."

We want a pic of the boots. On. Your nekkid lower half. *evil grin*

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I agree with Ice.....NO is your new word the for new year! You are too nice to people who do not deserve it. Say yes to yourself and your beautiful family, that's it sister!

Miz said...

HELL YES.
now, maybe dont be me in 2011?
I NO allll over the damn place.
people think Ive forgotten how to say that word...what is it?? I think it begins with a Y and rhymes with hess?

Corletta said...

Where have you been all my life?!?! Reading your blog brings a smile to my face EVERY TIME!!! Now that the Christmas drama is over, I can't wait to hear about your New Years Resolutions!!! Heck yes...bring on the change :)

Ginger aka Gidget said...

Oh HELL no! That man would be spinning on his ass because the mixer attachments would be hanging outside of it. Every time he'd walk by, you'd hear spinning because I'd shove that Kitchen Aid up so far, it might tickle his tonsils.

This is why in-laws and Christmas should always be accompanied by liquor and vicodin.

MrsFatass said...

Okay, so I don't mean to be unsupportive moving in to oh-eleven, but I effing LOVE your rants.