Saturday, December 25, 2010

Naked from the waist for realz.

Yup - it's Christmas Day...and I'm here. Does that make me pathetic?  That was rhetorical - which means yah - no need to answer.  I got it.  I *know* it's pathetic.

All of you stuffed to the gills with holiday cheer unable to wipe the huge cheeky grins off your faces - should stop reading immediately.  I'm about to go all Grinch on your ass if you continue on. 

Christmas is lame-ickus.  Every single freaking year I try with all my might to not have one single expectation so that my hopes aren't smashed and I try to find the joy in the little things because I'm really good at that but here I am - Christmas Day - having a pity party like a 3 year old who got coal. 

It is not necessary to be pissed at me - I'm pissed enough at myself.

Rambo works Christmas Eve and Christmas day for 6 years in a row before he gets them off.  When we didn't have kids that didn't bother me.  It bothers me now.  It pisses me off that he spends Christmas with rapists, gangsters and murderers.  They get his precious time - and we do not.

Santa had to come 2 days early because I refuse to let the girls open their presents without him here.  That's a moment I won't do alone.

Yes, yes..I am grateful he has a job....99% of the time.  1% of the time - I'm pissed off about it.

Last night the minute Rambo got home we headed to church with my siblings and parents.  I nearly ran from church 5 minutes after we got there.  Seriously - packed in like sardines.  I had to stand sideways to fit.  People didn't have pews to sit in so they stood the whole time.  I was so hot I thought I might explode.  It's too close for me.  Too claustrophobic.  I wanted to run.  Just too many damn people.  And then I was pissed that as I sat there I was the only one thinking those thoughts - everyone else was just enjoying the moment.  I hate my social anxieties with a passion.

We went back to my mom's house.  Ate food.  Opened presents.  My 10 year old decided to pout - I guess because she only got 49 presents instead of 50.  There I said it.  I am officially raising a spoiled brat. 

Winner of The Mother of the Year Award right here folks.

I *despise* the present part of Christmas.  There is no way to tell a child that though someone spent the SAME amount of money on each of them that that means one of them could get 10 gifts and one of them could get 1 gift. 

It's just never enough.  They are done unwrapping and the next words out of their mouth are: "So where do we go next to get more presents?"  Yes, people - I've told them 60 million times Christmas isn't about presents.  They are deaf...cuz they are under the age of 20 I guess. 

And let's be honest - we go multiple places we don't normally go and all the adults will say is, "Are you ready to open presents?  Are you excited to open presents?  We're going to open presents soon!" 

It's NOT about presents?  Really?  Can you say holy mixed signals?

Insert Mommy slurping down brandy grasshoppers like it is milk.

Oh and yes - Mommy also forgot to put gifts in the stockings. Shitballs.  Apparently Santa is stupid.  There is no other reason for such an undersight.  (That and we never hung stockings as kids much less got gifts in I tend to forget that they even exist in normal families.)

I cooked a hot chicken dip for nacho chips.  It's not that hot but my sister and mother took one bite and literally yelled, ran from the table and spit it out.  My father wouldn't try it.  Nice.  Lovely waste of time and oh say about $6.99 - give or take a few pennies. 

My sister cried when she had to leave to go to her boyfriend's house because she didn't want to leave.  (I can't quite figure that one out.  She actually wanted to stay.  I'm still stumped.)  But imagine how much fun my brothers made out of her for the tears.  They have never been fans of tears.  Or any emotion for that matter.

We decorated sugar cookies before she left - my Dad, both brothers and sister's boyfriend refused to pick up a f*cking knife and frost a cookie.  Whatever happened to "do it for the kids"?  Remind me - is it physically daunting and too much manual labor to frost a cookie?

My sister left.  Then Rambo left cuz 4am comes really early.  We all decided to watch a movie.  At 9pm.  My Father?  Went to bed.  A houseful of his family - his OWN children and grandchildren - some that only come home three times a year - and he chose to go to bed, shut the door and go to sleep.  Just typing that out brings tears to my eyes.

Did I mention it was only 9pm?

So yah, I forgot to put the damn candy in the stockings when I got home after carrying two sleeping heavy kids inside and shitloads of bags and presents they pouted over.  I was exhausted.  And felt the least Santa-like than I had all week.  Screw the stockings.  Stockings are for feet if you ask me.

Today?  Today is Rambo's family Cmas IF he gets to come home today.  Do you know what the main topic of discussion will be? 

The $60 lost pants.  His mom will tell everyone 60 times how she doesn't know where they are and she'll probably even cry and I'll be the bad guy for even asking her to hem them. 

Rambo and I have a bet that someone is going to open a gift and the pants will be wrapped up inside it.  Jesus.

Oh did I mention I managed to go online and buy said mother-in-law's $300 Kitchen*id mixer and get it here yesterday?  Today I'll wrap it up and father-in-law will take all the credit.  Never mind he waited until one day before Cmas to buy her present.  Never mind I had to buy it myself.  Never mind I have to wrap it and bring it with us. 

But I'm the asshole who asked her to hem my pants.  I want to throw up.

Tomorrow the Cmas tree comes down.  I asked Rambo yesterday if I could take it down and he said I should wait until tomorrow.  Fine.  I'll wait. 

I don't understand family.  I don't understand Christmas.  I feel like it's a constant reminder of what it isn't - instead of what it is supposed to be.  It sounds terrible - but it's my truth.  I just want it over.  This social-anxiety laden body craves and wants and needs routine - and Cmas gatherings and events, pouting, tears, and people walking out on me - again -  are anything but routine. 

Bah-hum-bug.  I'm pretty sure I'm just pissed about the $60 sweatpants.  Yah, that's it. 

Now who has a Grinch costume I can wear to Rambo's Cmas today?  Seriously...I don't have any pants remember?


Midwest Meg said...

I was ready to take down the Christmas tree last week! I have to keep it up until next Sunday when the inlaws show up. Merry Christmas!

meandmygizmo said...

I totally understand where you are coming from! Glad I read the whole blog! ;-)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, sweetheart, it is time for a long and serious talk with your children. My children are grown now and it is almost too late for me to teach them gratitude. Until they moved in with us this last time, I never realized what a sense of entitlement they grew up with. I can try now and I have not problem pointing their bad behavior out to them but do not make the mistake I did. Sit them all down after Christmas and talk to them about the sacrifices people make to do special things for them. Gift are things that are given from the heart and are not about the money. Keep telling them, my friend, until they really hear you. Hugs to you. As for the family anxiety and drama, well, hon, you are an adult now and you have you own family with a husband and children. It might be time to skip the extended family get-togethers and just do your own private family thing at Christmas. You don't need the added stress and anxiety of visiting everyone on Christmas Day. As for husband working, well, I think I would get the kids up for Christmas in the middle of the night to open gifts if that is what is necessary to have everyone in the immediate family together for the celebration. It doesn't matter what time of day it is. We've been fortunate that Dail has holidays off so it hasn't been an issue for us but I know I would feel the same as you do if we were apart on one of my favorite days of the year. Hang in there and remember we are here for you. Hugs. :)

"Sasha" said...

Girl that story seriously cracked me up, and I hate to say it, made me feel better about my Christmas (or lack thereof), I'll have to tell you all about it, stop by later for the run down.

Ms. M said...

I am so right there with you. Trying not to get my hopes up and knowing that I'll be crushed before it even begins. And then there's the selfish part of me, the part that is disappointed and hurt because I put soooo much effort into gifts for the family I love (even the hard to love ones) and it seems like all I get is mundane run of the mill stuff that you buy for people just for the sake of having a gift to wrap. WTH? Just once I would kill for a gift that was a true & thoughtful surprise. Maybe it goes back to the whole wanting to feel like I matter to someone crap... Idk... but can I borrow the Grinch outfit when you're done with it?

Ms. M said...

Oh, forget to tell you... I have your package sitting on my kitchen table waiting to go to the post office... at home of course. So, um yeah, I failed... but you'll get a happy new year gift, lol. Love you :)

Laurie said...

I am loving being Jewish today! Have to say it. I went for a run, the streets were empty, I thought about blogging and knew I could say to the blogging world, and everyone else: tomorrow we are all back on the same plane. Regular people figuring out regular days.
Family is freakin' challenging, on special days and regular ones. I sure know that and am sorry you had to deal w/ it.
I'm thinking about you. Next year, try coming over to our side, movie and Chinese food....

Justawallflower said...

I don't really have anything to say to comfort you, or even a story that relates, but i do have a hug for you (((hug))).

Read said...

Well... Oh my. I'm so sorry Draz! I really am. I can feel and completely empathize with what you're saying. I won't get into the whys of it, but when I was a kid I learned to Hate Christmas with a capital H. The stress. The drama. The expectations. The obligations. The anger. The yelling. Sometimes families just suck. And when I became an adult that feeling or opinion or whatever it was lingered for many years. Until I decided - hey wait - I'm just not going to do it anymore. I refuse. And I did. I skipped a few Christmases with family and just did stuff with friends.

I'm not sure it was the healthiest choice, but it was the right one for me. I needed to make a clean break for a while and then when I came back to it, it was completely on my own terms. When Brad and I had kids I refused to go anywhere on Christmas day for many years. I was not going to put my kids through the same shit. It was just going to be a calm day at home. Anyone was welcome to come to me, hell, I'd even cook a big dinner, but no one needed to and I sure as hell wasn't going anywhere.

My kids are 10 and 12 now and I've relaxed my opinion some - I would now consider going somewhere easy and not stressful in the afternoon... maybe. But that rarely happens because I was so adamant for so many years. Today for instance, my mom and step dad came up at around 1 and we're having scallops for dinner - yum! Very low key.

I'm rambling, but I swear I have a point. I love Christmas now. But it's completely because I had to get off the crazy merry-go-round and take the time away. I decided what was important and I set very big and very serious boundaries and I stuck to them. Was there push back from my family? you betcha! Was there hurt feelings? I'm sure there was. It was a line in the sand I had to draw. I truly never expected to not hate the holiday - and OMG - certainly never expected to love it. But I do and it was worth every bit of anger and hurt feelings my decisions caused. I was always polite and respectful in how I presented my choices. But I learned I had to make it something I could live with - and something I could be comfortable with my children experiencing.

I'm so sorry your Christmas isn't calm and peaceful and so terribly sorry Rambo has to work. I hope with all my heart you can find your happy and your peace with Christmas one day.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

It gets much less stressful when your kids grow up and move out. Ours have their own families now and we live in a different state than they do. Maybe that makes it easier for everyone. Just suffice it to say that you will never win when it comes to how many gifts you give to the girls. All you can do is your best and when they are older they will "get it". Sorry you are struggling. It makes my heart hurt. Honestly, all you can do is control what you do. Everyone else is their own person and they will do whatever the hell they want. I keep telling my kids that if they would just do what I tell them to, we would all be happy! XOXOXO

Ice Queen said...

Hugs to you, Draz.

Hey, you can send that Kitchen Aid mixer to me. I would cherish it and give you credit every single day of my life. ;) lol

Angela Pea said...

I'm with Karen and Read - it's time to tell all the family to shove it in their ears, and you stay home with YOUR Sweetheart of a husband and beautiful children on holidays, and spend them quietly, peacefully and just the way you want. Work around the work schedule - kids are flexible and Rambo will love the effort.

MrsFatass said...

Gratitude is a toughie.

And? I skipped church. I couldn't do the people.

And the biggest cure for family drama at Christmas? Move 700 miles away from all of them. We've been in pajamas since Thursday night.

You're doing okay, Draz. Better than okay.

(and my care package would have helped you through this. Just saying. :) )