Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A proposition for you, a birthday, Day 2 and a hairy buffalo.

Seriously - my favorite part of every day is coming up with a blog title.  (Yes, I'm aware I need to get a life.)

Day 2 – kicking ass and taking names. I left my tracking sheet at home but I had no artificial sugar yesterday or soda. YES! I had two eggs for supper and a smoothie. This morning I stepped on the scale for kicks and I lost 3.5 pounds. (Rambo lost 3) I feel good. No major cravings and it didn’t seem too hard but I chalk that up to “first day” excitement. I had plenty of protein via the eggs and cottage cheese and good sugar via all the fruit in my smoothies. I am super stoked!  Let it be known - this woman is leaving a trail of farted gumdrops everywhere I go!

Also I’d like to let you know that the honeymoon is officially over between Rambo and I. Today he is getting a full back tattoo. I personally think he’s doing it just so he can beat my tattoo sitting record of 4 hours. Whatever. Anywhoozle…my Rambo is hairy. Like um – a buffalo. I never really knew if I was a no hair or hair liking kind of girl when it came to my mind but now I know – I love it.

A lot of nights you can find me – head in his chest hair with one of my hands in it. It’s softer than silk and it symbolizes Rambo to me. He’s not hairy like an ape gross – but I’m sure some women would hate it. Anyway – last night – I shaved his back. Is it wrong to say it was kind of fun? And it was so weird to see my hairy Rambo – not hairy. He officially said, “Honeymoon is over baby.” LOL

Today is Watermelon’s birthday. She’s officially 10 going on 30…and I don’t know where the time went. 10 years ago today I was in the throes of 24 hours of hard labor with three hours of pushing with no pain meds. Stupid much? All the hopes and dreams of a Baby Story birth with my baby laid on my chest and the heavens opening up – didn’t happen. I never saw my baby’s face. Had no idea if she was a girl or a boy. I saw a team of doctors pumping her chest with one finger giving her CPR and no sound…and everyone refusing to tell me if she was alive or not.

She spent two days in the NICU and the first time I saw her she had tubes coming out of her and baby blood pressure cuffs that I still have. She was gorgeous and still silent. Too traumatic a birth they say. And today? Well, we can’t keep her quiet. One just never knows do they? People think having babies is so commonplace…when indeed – it is not. I wasn’t who I was supposed to be until the moment she was born.

Lastly today – I am going to do something new each Thursday I think. My bestie, Jenny, has been on a mission since I met her – to make me see myself as she does. Which is perfect if you ask her. She’s on a mission to make me see “I am enough”. And finally – I guess I’m listening. (Wow – that sounded convincing huh?) She said I need to see my beauty and see what everyone else sees. I need to be enough.

I guess that’s part of the epiphany I had last week. I crave validation from EVERYONE for everything – so much so that you could say I do what I do FOR validation – and that’s completely wrong on so many levels. The only validation I need is from within but I’ve never given myself permission to have that. I just want someone – anyone – to notice I am alive because I didn’t exist for so much of my life as a child. Being a model student and child has its downfalls – it makes you easy to be ignored – because the others in the family require 99% of the attention.

It’s understandable (except when you're a child) but still makes you feel less than or unworthy. And the feeling still exists. I’ve spent most of my life trying to be something and be someone and make a difference – always sure that I failed and I haven’t done a damn thing. And now? Well…I think I’m done with that. It’s exhausting and if I couldn’t find what I needed in 38 years of trying – well then really – why keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome?

Soooo – what am I gonna do differently? This year through blogging and self-examination - I finally learned to stop hating myself. It’s absolutely soul wrenching to hate who you are as a person. You live nearly every moment second guessing and wishing you weren’t who you were. You can hardly live with yourself…and this year – I stopped doing it. On the inside. No small feat. Sounds easy in words but literally – took 38 years to do. I finally believe I am a life worth living and that I have worth on the inside. That there is a possibility I deserve love and happiness.

Now? Well – it’s time to work on the outside and stop this game of never being enough physically. So each Thursday I’m going to pick one body part – I’ll skip the vagina so stop squinching up your faces in disgust – and I’m going to take a picture of it. By itself. And I will make a list of things I love about the part and the joy it has brought me and the memories within it. No matter if it’s scarred, stretch marked, not smooth, marred, or flabby or too thin….I will find the good in the part.

Piece by piece I will become whole. The package may finally be complete. When I’m done the ultimate goal is to look in the mirror – and say to myself – “You are enough.” – and believe it. I have never said those words to myself and the thought of it – and meaning it – makes the tears come even now.

My question is…will you join me? Will you take a picture of the body part and list why you love it? Why it is special? What it means to you? What the beauty is in it? Why it is unique to you?

As women – we criticize too much – ourselves and each other. My goal is to do less of that. I hope you’ll consider joining me. Stay tuned….I’m going to start this Thursday and I’d love to see your body parts – minus the vaginas of course.

I’m calling it Triple U Thursday - Unclothed, Unhidden, and Unashamed.

I’m done hiding. Done being ashamed. Are you?

If you decide to join me on Thursdays, I'll try to link you in my blog so others can share in our Triple U Thursday revolution.  We women need to celebrate our beauty and shout it over the rooftops....and we can start here...in our blogs.

Oh and P.S….thank you Jenny....and thank you to all of you - who tell me about the beauty you see in me when I can't see it myself.  I'm about to change that...


Amy W. said...

Well, you know what body part first came to mind for my picture? My dangly bits. Crap...I probably can't post that huh?

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I just love you and all the healing balm you're spreading out here. It's so scrumdiddliumptious that I can't even tell where it wasn't before. You're healing more than you here...

Joia said...

I love seeing the changes in you over time - you truly ARE an inspiration to so many people!

Dizzy Girl said...

3.5 pounds? Serious??? Slimfast or no slimfast? I need you to send me a copy of what you ate yesterday- asap. ;) I have a Christmas party I am attending with a boy on Thurs- if I can pull this off til then....

Of course I'll join you silly. That's not a question.

LDswims said...

I would challenge you one further. You are MORE than enough! You are peace, you are beauty, you are intelligent, you are clarity, you are glue for many communities, you are whole, you are a wonderful mother, a perfect wife, an amazing friend. You are so much more than "enough".

And I will continue to validate you, anyway. Your own personal validation will mean so much more than what I can give you. But affirmation from others can be a little whipped cream on top.

Finally, I'd love to do the pics/posts with you...but I'm not there yet.

The Ninja said...

I'm so jealous of the Tattoo, I have a dream tat that is my ultimate goal gift to myself, post-baby #3 of course.
I love coming up with blog titles too, I am especially happy when I can work in an obscure film reference into the title.
I'm down for the challenge, sounds like fun, I'm all about challenges these days.

Building Blocks said...

oh I'm definitely in! Thursday here I come! I need to create some more accountability in my eating and workouts and I think the pending posting of future pictures is just what I need!
Love, love, love you and everything your blog represents! Reality!

Building Blocks said...

oh and by the way - Mr. Strong gets Naired and if there is any hair left he gets shaved. You might try that next time - if there is a next time - shaving by itself take longer! lol!

MandaPanda said...

I love your idea about the photos but I won't be participating. Right now, I just can't do it. But I think it'd be very therapeutic

Roxie said...

Happy Birthday Watermelon!

If it makes you feel better Draz, 10 years ago today I was also in a horrible situation. Mine involved way too much tequila ;) I turned 21.

Best day for a birthday!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, I love you very much. I could have written a lot of this post. I will take your challenge to photograph pieces of me and try to learn to love each part. I also spent a lot of my childhood feeling invisible and unimportant and INVALIDATED. In a way, I guess that is one of the reasons I feel in love with Dail. He is the first person I ever met who gave me complete ACCEPTANCE and VALIDATION. That is why I lost all the good feeling about myself when he left. I haven't accepted and validated myself yet. This is an inspired idea. I look forward to seeing more post as we progress with this. Happy Birthday, Watermelon, and many happy returns. My son, Nick, will be 21 in 3 days. He is my baby and he also had a difficult start. It seemed to take forever for them to get him to take a breath. He spent most of his first 3 months in the hospital as he was high risk for SIDS. He is fine now but I will never forget how close a thing it was back then. Hugs.

amandakiska said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
amandakiska said...

Damn, I was hoping to see the va-jay-jay!

I have some pics to post on Thursday for a post to celebrate some big news. I don't want to say too much, but yes, please link me!


Happy birthday Watermelon! My oldest will be 10 in February.

Ginger said...

what a wonderful idea!! i am joining you tomorrow and i know already that there will be tears when I say that phrase in the mirror, could be hormones could be not, who cares but I will do it

Read said...

I'm totally bummed there will be no va-jay-jay! But you still rock. And my baby was born 10 years ago on Saturday - we were waddling together - how fun - (okay... or not).