Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sheniqu & Drazil = 1.....Me = 0

Yesterday I was lonely.  There's no other way to say it.  My husband spent 16 hours with nasty-ass criminals and my kids were gone so I was lonely.  I wasn't even bored because I have learned to love alone time....but I was lonely and disappointed.  We had plans IF he had come home but he couldn't.  So I had a really great pity party.  All my friends were there.  Well actually just Drazil and Sheniqua.

Drazil had the nerve to wear a party hat and peed in the cake.  Sheniqua brought confetti and danced and flung her muffin top around.  One time she tried to give Drazil a lap dance.  He nearly suffocated. 

Me?  I ate sugar.  Yup - over 9 days with none (except the animal "cookies") and I caved.  I wasn't even hungry.  Told myself I would regret this.  Told myself I'd have to blog-confess about it.  But you guys - you should hear Sheniqua and Drazil chanting in my head " EAT IT- EAT IT- EAT IT".  They are so good at their jobs.  Drazil says a whole lot of other nasty things too but I'm not going to bore you.  He's been doing this for 35 years so he's a pro at knocking down my will power.

Anyway - there you go.  I suck.  They won yesterday.

But that was yesterday.  One sugar thing in 9 days (sorry Jesus - I was never good at this Lent thing).  I refuse to focus on it.  I am focusing on what else I've done in recent days.

* I have worked out consistently
* I have lost 6.5 lbs (I need to lose .5 today to hit 10 lbs lost since Jan. 1)
* I have blogged and opened up and even have followers
* I have lessened the outside toxicity in my life
* I kicked Martha Stewart's ass for the first time ever (I've got the big hairy balls to prove it)
* I have not given up
* I have stayed at my calorie range more days than not
* I have consistently taken my vitamins
* I have journaled my food every day

....and the list goes on.  Take that Drazil you slimy snake.  And Sheniqua - I wouldn't talk - you're disappearing slowly but surely.

And yes - as punishment for eating sugar - I have toilet cleaning duty again today.  That'll teach me.  You know how I feel about toilets.

Please say you'll forgive me....pretty please.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♦ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Friday, February 26, 2010

Welcome to my world...

Another plethora of musings from the trio....just because I want to use that word plethora again.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD sistas!  It is insane.  Here are just a few happenings of the day for you to feast upon.

For starters, I kicked Martha Stewart's ass first thing this morning and my God if that doesn't exhilerate and exhaust you at the same time!  I am a massive conflict avoider so twisting up Martha's undies in a bunch was nothing short of monumental.

Next I forgot to mention that I - being the loving wife that I am - mapped out a full 7 day meal plan of 1300 calories for my hubby.  I'm talking spreadsheet with 3 snacks and 3 meals all designated out with the serving size of each.  The list is a thing of beauty.  I am a list whore like you've never seen.  I should be in therapy for it. 

Anyway, my hubby is great at exercising but completely oblivious to what foods to eat and calories and such so I did this for him.  I bring it home.  I tell him to sit down so I can teach it to him.  This is where the madness begins with him.  Our convo went like this:

Him: Hey before we start, what's that online diet thing that you enter your food in every day?
Me:  Oh that's - are you going to use it? 
Him:  Nope - I was just telling a guy at work about it.
Me:  Did you also tell this guy about the meal plan I so lovingly planned for you or did you say I naggingly planned it?
Him:  Is there a difference?        *I smack him*
Me:  Did you add dessert in this plan?       *Dessert is code - I smack him again*
Him: Can we work out in the bedroom?  *I poked him in the eye...with a pen*
Him:  Honey, don't be mad when I lose more than you.
Me:  Honey lamb chop - let's cross that bridge when we get there.
Me:  You're such a horrible student I decided we are not having "dessert" tonight.  I am a woman.  I can't just turn it on like a switch.
Him:  Prostitutes can.  (I refrain from asking how he knows this - I do not want to know right?)
Me:  Oh no problem - I can do it if there's money involved.  Where's my $20?
Him:  Where's your purse?   *I smack him in the crotch with my LARGE mood ring*

I mean the man might as well wear his penis on his forehead for as much as he lets it think for him.  And the whole time he's smiling wickedly and trying to cop a feel....and I love him for still finding me sexy - at goal weight or not.  I hate that I love this perverted man.
And to top it off - I go to get my 4 year old out of the bathtub and she's sitting Indian style with her big toe in her mouth.  Now yah - it'd be gross - but she's in the bath so her toe is clean.  She says "my toe is a lollipop."  Um no - it's not - stop it - get out.  She then stands up and says "look, yes it is" and just stands on one leg, pulls the other one up and puts her toe in her mouth.  My first question is - what possesses children to do things like this?  My second question is - was I ever that flexible?  It's only been the last few years that I could even SEE my toes you know?  I am in awe.  Grossed out - but awed nonetheless.
Lastly, I fell off the wagon.  Well not totally - still no sugar (minus the animal cracker vs. cookie debate) but today I went off plan.  I had food I don't normally eat today - like peanut butter and cheese.  This is why I don't veer off plan - I have a taste of what I've been missing and it's heaven and I want more.  Well stupid AF could have something to do with it but suffice it to say I suck today! 

I have painted an L on my forehead and will put my nose in the corner for 10 minutes in shame.  I wanted to lose a pound in the next three days to make my loss for the year 10 lbs on March 1st.  I don't think that's gonna happen and I'm sick about it. 

Shouldn't kicking Martha Stewart's ass before 10am be worth about a 5lb loss minimum?  Meh - even if I gain a pound - it was sooooo worth it.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Being fat is HARD. Being thin is HARD.
              Choose YOUR hard. ♪

Thursday, February 25, 2010

MY question of the day...and a few more...

I'm posting MY very own question of the day just because I'm not a fan of my BFF's (Jennifer - Jen's Lap Band Journey) question.  I even called her a turd muffin today about it. 

They are not cookies.

Please vote on her page.  I swore to her if the majority said cookies - I'd stop eating them.  She's seriously laughing way too hard over outing me - hence the turd muffin name-calling.  If I didn't love her so much I'd throw an ever-loving cookie cracker at her.   Oh gosh - nothing better than a laugh with your BFF at the end of a sucky day!  ♥ U Jen.

Okay - on to MY way better question.  I'm just curious.   A bunch of you said to me you'd like your own Lizard - like my Drazil and Rebekah's Gritz soooo my question or maybe my challenge to you is:

For those of you who can readily admit to and know you have an inner lizard what is it's name and why/how did you pick it?

For those of you who think I'm crazy and inner lizards are crazier than me - well let's pretend you have one too - what would you name it and why?  Just for fun - pretend with all of us.

My other questions are blog questions...for all you pro bloggers - how do you get a comment RSS feed?  Rebekah mentioned having one and loves it.  Also - do all of you go back and check to see if the author or anyone else commented on your comment?  I comment or ask a question and always forget to go back and see if it gets answered.  Any easy peasy ways to stop forgetting this?  Am I missing something?  I know sometimes you can click to get notified whenever there is a comment but not everyone has that. 

Okay - enough questions - please please play my lizard naming game....I find it very interesting.....and fine, yes I'm rambling......I'm putting off going on the treadmill if you must know.  Teeheee....

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Being fat is HARD. Being thin is HARD.
            Choose YOUR hard. ♪

A Plethora of Musings from the 3 of us!

Don't you love the word "plethora"?  I'm going to use it all day....and now on to the musings...

#1 – this is absolutely #1….thank you to everyone who not only reads my blogs but comments. I’m not sure I can ever express what your support and words mean to me. I’ve become a comment whore and swear I’m checking every 5 seconds to see if someone new commented. I’m not even a lap bander and you let me all in – and I feel like I belong….and it makes me smile every day. I will do a post soon on the details of the tummy tuck since so many of you asked.

#2 – Today is one week with no sugar. I should clarify – I’m obviously still eating sugar in regular foods so my “no sugar” to me means no sweets, cakes, cookies, baked goods, desserts (unless they are noted to be SF) or candy or chocolate. This is pretty monumental for me. I’m also a sugar whore. (And a scale whore according to BG’s rules). I’m just an all-around whore apparently.

#3 - The day after I decided to give up sugar I opened a cupboard in my office I hadn’t opened in a while – and what do you think I found??????? Three Musketeers, Reeses PB cups, and peppermint patties. IN MY FACE – taunting me. I swear Drazil and Sheniqua put them there – the freaking idiots. I think this could be that thing they call karma. I mean what are the chances? I give it up – I find a hoard of it. It’s just wrong. (by the way – it remains there – unopened – whispering my name in my darkest withdrawal moments)

#4 – This is Day #2 of DCS (dropped crotch syndrome). As I told my BFF – it’s rather fun scratching and adjusting my fake boy penis with my fake girl nails. It confuses people. They look at me funny. I love it. And DCS is another sign I’m losing weight. An ugly sign – but funny none-the-less. (another ½ lb down – 164 today – woot woot!)

#5 – I don’t like oatmeal. I don’t care if it’s good for me or sticks to my stomach or fills me up or lowers my damn cholesterol. It is mushy. I feel like I’m eating boogers (I’m guessing this is what they feel like in one’s mouth). It is not chewy or crunchy or fun like potato chips. The only thing going for it is it smells good. I made it yesterday and in a very lady-like manner I spit out the first bite and then used it as an air freshener all day. I’m not kidding – three people stopped in my office to ask if I lit a candle. Nope – just my snot-like oatmeal over there in the bowl. I am thinking of molding it into candle shape. Be proud of me for trying it. Ewww.

#6 – Fat people are warm. Okay – now I know this as a fact. As an overweight person I was a sweaty mongrel. I’m a sweat-er. Some people I work with go to the gym during the lunch hour and no one knows. Me? Nope – I walk out of a gym dragging my feet, sweaty crotch, butt and pit marks, and hair dripping like I took a shower….even if I was only there 5 minutes. I am a sweat-er. I hate it. Anywhooooo – I still sweat – no matter how much weight I lose and I literally have THREE fans in my office cuz I’m hot all the time. I wear shorts in the winter. I do not wear a coat unless it’s 20 below. YET – the last few nights I’ve been freezing. This is new. And this really isn’t fun. Though I am not skinny and have a layer of fat left – I am skinny-er than I was and now am cold. Add this to DCS and rings flying off and losing weight may not be all it’s cracked up to be. Has this happened to any of you? Being cold? Or am I losing it?

#7 – Fat people are harder to kidnap. I saw this on a t-shirt yesterday - no lie – it cracked me up. I might buy it and wear it when my hubby wears his “I beat anorexia” shirt. Yes I know – I’m evil – going to hell. Satan is my other BFF.

#8 – People die. This I hate. I have spoken with two parents this week whose children (ages 18 and 23) were killed in car accidents. I can’t look them in the eye. I can’t say any words. They don’t come out. I want to fix it – bring them back – make it okay. I want to say something profound that heals them but the only thing running through my head is “My God – I never ever hope I have to feel what you are feeling.” I want to say “How do you go on?”. But I know none of these things will help. So I stand. I hold their hand for a moment. I give them a look of understanding and I go home and cry for them. I hate that people die….though I know it is the cycle of life.

#9 – Yes, the house my parents lost was my childhood home (some of you asked that). I think I figured out why I can’t let go. That house is real hard evidence I and my childhood existed. Beyond that are only memories – and I can’t touch those. That day every photo of my childhood and my sibling’s childhoods and my parents as children were destroyed. Baby books too. There is no more hard evidence I can ever pass down or reminisce over or show my own children. My childhood only exists in our memories….no hard evidence. You tear down the only evidence left and it becomes a patch of grass. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

#10 – In my incessant need to read every self-help book known to man…..I’m throwing this out there…..if any of you have childhood issues you feel are still bugging you (who doesn’t?) – I highly recommend Dr. Laura S.’s book – I can’t remember the exact title – Bad Childhood to Good Life or something. My BFF recommended it. It’s amazing. So stunningly revealing that sometimes I know where she’s going with a thought and my eyes don’t want to read it – I have a mini panic attack – because I know with every fiber of my being she is talking about me and how I feel – exactly. Not many people can do that. Get inside your head like that…and be right. Yet I keep reading and learning and changing. She’s as good as Martha Beck in my opinion.

#11 – Lastly – my own NSV - I think I turned a corner, rounded third base, met a milestone, crossed a line……or something. My WHOLE family had takeout ooey-gooey pizza – all hot and lovingly made on my kitchen table. I wanted to roll around it like a pig rolls in mud. But no - what did yours truly eat? Um yah – pizza – but Lean Cuisine pizza. Can you believe it? And the other day someone gave me 3 teeny bite size pieces of candy – know where I put them? Yup – up in the hoarders haven with the other un-opened candy. When Lent is over I’m going to have a mega-binge in honor of Jesus. Oh fine – maybe I’ll give it to the homeless – is that better? For now – I’m hoarding it – as evidence I didn’t eat it. It is proof I do have some self-control – contrary to what the masses have said.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Being fat is HARD. Being thin is HARD.
       Choose YOUR hard. ♪

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thought of the day.....

My thought for the day for my beautiful blogger friends (sorry for the bad word....I didn't write it):

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Being fat is HARD. Being thin is HARD.
Choose YOUR hard. ♪

Questions from Lizard and Lardbutt....

Also know as Drazil and Sheniqua….and me….the woman underneath it all. I am feeling contemplative today and so am asking myself some tough questions and trying to answer.

Question #1

Why was it so hard to post those pictures and why does everything in me want to take them down NOW?

I think it’s the guilt. Tummy tucks are expensive and I for once in my life had to do something solely for me. I had to take money from our family budget (though it was from MY part-time job) to do this. I swore I’d never be vain enough to have cosmetic surgery. Yet I do not think it’s vain. Yet if any woman I know chooses it – I’ll be the first one to drive them to my plastic surgeon’s office. Why can’t I feel worthy enough to have what I want every woman alive to have? My older brother who competes in tri-athlons and has a body to die for said to me when I asked him what he thought of me getting a tummy tuck - “You worked your ass off to get this far – why on Earth would you not go the full mile and have this last step?” Indeed.

(And by the way – thank you for your comments on my pics. My BFF has said the same things to me forever…and though I believe her….I can’t see it and I actually want to. I’m not a fan of women who can’t see their own beauty but I can never see what she sees. So thank you – I know she’s glad you all backed her up. I can see her laughing and saying “I told you so”. LOL – I ♥ U Jennifer)

Question #2

Why can’t I let go of the pain and memories?

What pain? 8 days after my tummy tuck, my parents went through a natural tragedy that took everything they owned within minutes. Gone. So in the next minute they were living with me and my hubby and kids. It was the hardest, most emotional, most stressful thing I’d ever been through. And I had been cut from hip to hip only 8 days before and was supposed to be resting. I had complications due to being too active with the cleanup and I will always wonder how my recovery would have been without that. Today I drove by what is left of their house and bulldozers are parked there. Now I know they will tear it down – and I thought that’s what I wanted – but not today. Today when I drove by I wanted to stop the car and sob and run and scream NOOOOO – please don’t. Two years later – and I can’t let go. Yet it is over. Why can’t I get that?

Question #3

Why do I care about remaining anonymous in this blog?

Who the hell knows? I mean anyone with a brain who knows anything about me could easily put the details together and figure out who I am if they came across this blog. Why do I pretend that isn’t true? Why am I jealous of all your beautiful faces on your blogs and your ability to put it all out there? What am I hiding? What would happen if someone knew? Would the world end? Will I ever not hide?

Question #4

Okay not a question – a statement. A few days ago I posted a list of things I do to help me stay on track and lose weight as a reminder to me. I forget a few things so am adding them now.

• I carry my fat pictures with me
• I take CLA and flax oil every day
• I eat almost the same food every single day at the same times – until supper. If I venture too far from that I get a taste of what I’m missing and I go too far and binge.

Question #5

When will I believe I may actually know what I’m doing in weight loss?

Odd question and what I mean is – I don’t get this last 9 lbs I’ve lost. I love it but seriously – most of it has been this month and it hasn’t been that hard. I mean not easy (stop throwing things at me, I’ll explain) but easier than I remember. I used to run 5-6 miles a day and lift weights and eat a stricter diet and it was so hard to lose. Now I’m more into working out every other day and I barely hit 3 miles. And yet I’m losing weight. I don’t get it. Do I just not remember that it worked this way before or am I really finally healed from surgery and the swelling? Could it be?

Question #6

Did you know fat people are harder to kidnap?

OMG – I just saw that on a t-shirt in a book and had to add it. GAWD that’s funny. I want that shirt.

Whew – questions over. Being serious in this blog is so much harder than trying to be funny. I’m exhausted. I need a Twinkie.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪  Being fat is HARD. Being thin is HARD.
               Choose YOUR hard. ♪

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Peeing Debacle....

I told you - bodily functions rule my life lately I swear. First let me say I am usually an at-home pee-er only. I’m not so much afraid of public restrooms – I just never have to go so I wait until I get home. Well - as of January 1 when I chose to drink more water – that no longer applies so I’m forced to use the bathroom at work.

I swear to God every bit of this story is true. Scout’s honor.

Rewind a few hours. My office happens to be right outside the bathroom (great huh?). The ONLY time this bothers me is when a certain man goes in there and he explodes. I imagine an atomic bomb going off in there. How do I know this? Because I hear it. There are times I can be deep in thought writing something and the “noise” is so loud (toilets echo you know) and sudden that I jump in my chair and I make a pen mark across the page. Nice. No one should be scared by a that kind of noise in the middle of the work day – or ever actually. So then I deal with him coming out and me either flipping him off or pretending I didn’t hear everything that went on in there. He sometimes even stops to chat and I have to try not to scream “I KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID IN THERE!” It completely depends on my mood how I handle the “aftermath”. Most of the time I’m too busy checking to see if he has all his body parts to care about flipping him off. I swear – noises like that and you’ve got to lose a limb or something.

Anyway – after this happens I mentally try to remember the time and remember NOT to go in there for a few hours. This water drinking thing has me all screwed up though. I forget cuz I gotta pee BAD cuz I wait too long. Sooooo the debacle begins.

Now….I’m not on any birth control and it is possible AF (Aunt Flo or Ass Face – whichever you prefer) could be coming so I’m best friends with panty-liners until I know when the snot arrives. I take a tampon with me to every bathroom trip just in case. It’s habit. First I walk into the bathroom and I nearly fall down. No human can leave behind a smell like this. It’s not possible. At this point my zipper is already down though and there’s no turning back – I have to suck it up (or quit breathing) and go pee. I set down the tampon on top of the toilet paper dispenser only to realize it’s not a tampon. I grabbed a tube of Vagisil. Oh shut up – we’ve all used it. I’m an over-achiever and carry it in my purse. Fine.

First – no freaking lie – I have to put down the seat and rest assured girls – I slam it down so Mr. Caveman can hear it and know I don’t appreciate doing this! I sit down after I inspect for someone else’s pubic hairs. Gag! OMG – my freaking string from my tie pants has just dropped into the toilet water. What the holy hell do I do? Explosion man was just in here – can you imagine the germs? I calm down. I must go on.

I now decide I hate this panty-liner and I’m safe without it. I rip it off – fold it up – stick it to the top of the toilet paper holder for when I’m done. Right next to the lovely Vagisil. I pee. All is well. I have decided that I’ve been sweating a lot “down there” when I work out and I’m uber afraid of getting yeast infections so hey – the Vagisil is here. I might as well put it to good use. I put a little on. All is well again.

Now there’s the problem of trying to pull my pants up with one hand as the other is now not clean. It cannot be done. So I waddle like a duck – baby steps – with my pants around my ankles and my hands up in the air – while I haven’t breathed in 10 minutes. The sink looks like it’s a mile away.

I wash. Someone else – Mr. Explosion Pants – washed too and left Niagra Falls on the sink so of course when bending in my shirt soaks up said Niagra Falls and now I am soaked. It’s like a neon sign pointing at my stomach that says “my stomach is so big it rests on the sink when I wash my hands so I get all the water left behind”. Ugh.

I pull up the pants – now a new complex has formed. Those pants slid across the bathroom floor. Ack. I am covered in germs now. I’m not sure I can go on. I have to get out of there. I leave. I’m back in my office – content with life.

I see my boss walk by. He’s going into the bathroom. AND HOLY CHEESE AND RICE! Do any of you know why I’m freaking out here?????????????????

I forgot the used panty-liner and Vagisil on top of the toilet paper holder.


I have two choices. Lose those two items forever and pretend they are not mine OR mow down my boss and get back to that bathroom before he does. I choose #2. He saw me come out – he knows whatever is in there is mine.

I know most of you are nearing a panic attack for me but calm down everyone – all is still well. Turns out my boss was going to use the copier in that bathroom hallway and not use the bathroom. I non-chalantly go back in the bathroom and act like I’m just in there to use hairspray……….and RETRIEVE MY EMBARRASSING TOILETRIES. I nearly had a heart attack. I broke out in hives. I refuse to pee the rest of the day here.

On the way back out - Jeeessssuuuuuss – there goes Explosion Man again. Right about now I’m thinking I should have lined the toilet seat with my Vagisil.

And this folks is why I can’t focus on a daily basis and turn to blogging. You can’t make this sh!t up. Why would you even want to?

Monday, February 22, 2010

I not only pretend to be funny but I have info too...who knew?

Alright – since my first blog this morning was nothing but mush and crap and nothing of real merit – I am out to redeem myself.

Oh but first – I gotta tell you about one of my newest blog loves. Rebekah! She needs more support and followers in her lap band and pregnancy journey so please follow her. I know how happy my followers make me so please check out her blog so she can join more of our sisterhood! Her link is

Okay – as some of you know if you read my past blogs…I’m down 8.5 lbs since January 1 and am super proud of myself for that. I haven’t weighed this since September of 2009. My history is this. I lost 73 lbs through diet and exercise and in June of 2008 I weighed in at 153 pounds – my lightest ever. At that point I was left with the cutest pita stomach ever (NOT) and made a decision I thought I’d never make (an expensive one at that). I had a mini tummy tuck. The surgery is quite invasive and screws up your metabolism and your lymphatic system and you swell like you didn’t think possible……and you cannot exercise for quite some time and there is some lipo involved and lipo does WEIRD things to your body. Between the surgery and the end of 2009 I shot back up to 173.5….so basically a 20 lb gain in 2 years since the TT. January 1, 2010 I started anew on my journey to get back to the TT weight because for the first time in my life that day in that plastic surgeon’s office – I was happy with my body (minus my Pita Pal).

So where am I going with this? This 8.5 lb loss is the first real loss I’ve had since the TT. I was beginning to think my body was screwed up forever. It took me years to lose the 73 lbs initially and I know what to do and how my body works but I was too busy living life and falling into old habits and was not able to work out so I gained some back. Now that I’m losing again I’m nervous. Drazil is on the floor sobbing because his best friend Sheniqua is shrinking. Meanwhile I’m panicking that this is a fluke and am thinking I’m going to gain it back. Soooo I drug out my old journals and made a list of things that have worked for ME. If it can help someone else – great! If not – at least Drazil can shut his big mouth and realize I’m serious and I know what I’m doing.

Here’s my list of things that worked for me:

1. If I decide to eat something out of my calorie range (usually a sweet or dessert) – it has to be DELICIOUS, mouth-watering or nearly orgasmic before I’ll finish it. For me this works – if I make the decision to eat it and it’s not all my mind thought it would be – I take one bite and throw it out.
2. I chant “Waste It or Waist It” continually in my head……it’s my mantra. Wasting it won’t kill me….adding it my waist just might.
3. I keep gum with me all the time at my desk when a craving is most likely to strike. Some of the flavors they have out now are completely candy-like and it can take an urge away.
4. This is a new one – I’m trying to take a drink of water between every single bite of food. I know you lap-banders aren’t supposed to drink with food (right?) – so this is one just for me. It’s hard – but it works.
5. Another new one – I set a challenge for myself to set my fork down in between every bite. I am a FAST eater and a huge-quantity eater and if I do this it forces me to slow down, talk, enjoy the company or whatever. For some reason I think if I don’t inhale my food someone will take it from me….I need to slow down and enjoy the moment.
6. Whenever I get a “weight loss” compliment I write it down in my fitness binder. No matter what the comment is – I write who said it and the date. On my worst days I have at least a page of compliments I can read to prove to me people are noticing and I can do this. I can’t read that list and not feel proud.
7. I stick to 1200 calories or under. If I burn 400 cals in a workout I don’t eat them back – I end the day at 800 cals. This is probably not smart but for me it has worked. I am trying to stay really close to 1200 now and not under.
8. I workout about 4 to 5 times a week – with my husband. If he’s doing it – then it motivates me and if we do it together then I don’t miss out on time with him and my kids see we make exercise a priority.
9. I leave the room (kitchen basically). I don’t have a laptop because I could carry the laptop into the kitchen or living room. I have a TV in my office and when I feel like binging I busy myself in the office – AWAY from the kitchen. Out of sight – out of mind.
10. I try to have a goal event. Not just a goal weight or number or size. I like event goals. I like to picture what I’ll feel like, what I’ll wear, what people might say. I think of how exactly I want to feel at that event when I walk in and all the size 0 snots who will be there that I want to make jealous. For me – it helps.
11. I have a list of reasons why I want to do this – and I continually add to it. On days I want to give up – I re-read this list.
12. I tan – now no – I’m not telling anyone to tan and get skin cancer. I’m saying for ME – I make this choice – having a tan makes my cellulite appear less cellulite-y….I feel sexier.
13. I document my food meticulously (most of the time) using It’s free and has all the foods I eat in it and my BFF and I can check each other’s food counts and exercise and weights in it. It makes me accountable and if I get obsessive she calls me on it. If I didn’t do this I would use a journal. I make highlight decorated calendars and do countdowns and the like – just to be able to use colors and stickers like a kid again – and because for me it’s fun to see what I’ve done each month.
14. I am a scale whore (as BG puts it). Some say it’s not good to weigh every day. For me – it’s a must. If I’m not weighing – I better start praying. I gain weight FAST and if I don’t keep a watch on it daily – it gets out of control.
15. I laugh at myself – and I walk around the house in skimpy clothes acting like I can pull it off just so my daughters can know I’m proud to be a woman – fat rolls or not, body issues or not. I wear thongs even though the strings get sucked into the oblivion that is my butt just because I know my husband is blind to that oblivion and just sees “beautiful”.

Take that Drazil and Sheniqua! I’m on track and pretty soon you’ll be non-existent….especially now that I have blogger friends to keep you in check!

♥ Smooches and hugs ♥

Numbers, numbers, numbers (insert happy dance)!!

Two things - both numbers - both make me so happy I want to pee my pants (but I won't)!


Um yah - down another pound so 8.5 for the year! I'd love to hit 10 lbs lost before month end!

AND.....drumroll please...


30 followers! WOWSER - 30 people read what I write (if they can get through it before falling asleep). I feel like a famous author. Anyone want my autograph? (Hey stop rollig your eyes - I told you I could be dramatic)

Okay - that is all.......I shall write my normal mundane daily post in a bit!

In the meantime - thank you all - seriously - every one of you makes my day every day.

♥ smooches and hugs ♥

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Poop is everywhere I turn lately......

I can't take it anymore. I was totally one of those moms that could handle anything - poop, pee, smells, vomit, spit-up - whatever. I could handle it like it was candy. Now - even as my daughter is only 4....I do this gagging thing. I do this "I'm going to throw up myself if I have to look at that again" thing.

What happened to my steel resolve? I got thinking about this as there was a teeny bathtub accident last night with my youngest. Do you know when she was 2 she came and got me in the living room and kept saying "poop TV" to me and I didn't understand until I smelled her and saw her - POOP EVERYWHERE. How the heck do you get poop from under a little girl's fingernails? I picked her up by any part not covered in poop and threw her in the bathtub and went to inspect her room. Ah - yes - poop TV. Every speaker crevice and button were covered. No biggie - I clean it with Q-tips and hum like Martha Stewart would if she was digging for gold. No problem.

Now we have kittens - just two. But I swore I'd never have anything pooping inside my house that wasn't a human. I can't do the litter box - I can't even look at it. Well I have if the hubby is gone but it takes about an hour and I look like I'm operating on someone with a contagious disease. Full surgeon wear, mask, hair tied back, gloves. I scare my kids if they see me.

And today - after cleaning the whole house yesterday I still have the bathroom to do. I saved it for last - I have to work up to the toilet part. Can I just say I hate cleaning toilets? Do you know the stuff that thing has seen and been a part of? I honestly think every house in America should get a brand new toilet shipped to them every week. Throw out the old one - no need to clean it - here's your new one with no germs. I'm not even a germ-a-phobe....but the toilet scares me like the Hulk did when I was a kid. And the crevices and bolts and getting behind there - it's WORK. For me it's an expedition. I kiss my kids before I do it like I may not survive it. Ugh - I'm even rambling in this blog to avoid cleaning it.

Anyway - it feels like I've become a wussy in the bodily function department. And it feels like my life is about poop lately. It's so not but I'm saying it hoping to get some sympathy from you fellow bloggers. Okay - fine - I'm done. I gotta go get my surgeon wear on. I swear some day I'm going to invent a switch you can push and your toilet is magically delicious - and clean like the day you got it. I better get working on that switch because my hubby isn't convinced about getting me a new toilet every week just cuz I don't want to clean it.

On a deeper note.....I'm overwhelmed...visitors coming today, toilets to clean, clothes to put away and major drama with a family member involving children, divorce, adultery, etc. It makes my heart sad. I'm trying to stay positive and the scale helped today -166! 7.5 lbs since January 1 - 16 more to goal (or 11 more if my goal stops at 155). I can do that....right?? Right? I'm not surprised - when Jennifer (BFF) loses, so do I! It's our twin alignment.

OH and one more thing - a new blog I found (she's a lap bander like some of you) and her blog is real, honest and happy. She needs some more followers/support so check her out at.... by sdh5463 (thanks for following me dear)

AND lastly - no sugar for me since Thursday - can I get an Amen????

♥ smooches and hugs ♥

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Headbanging = Snow White bandaid....'s another weekend and my house is a dee-zaster again so I get up early with the intention of cleaning the house from top to bottom. Fine. Good. I'll watch DIY network the whole time and pretend I'm some fancy-schmancy cleaning organizing designer who gets paid 300 bazillion dollars an hour and everything will go smoothly. Fine. Good.

I start - bedroom first. GAWD this sucks. This is not what a Saturday should look or feel like but I putter on. In the background I hear some gorgeous whiny-voiced housewife say "well, we only budgeted $100k for our kitchen so I couldn't get the wine chiller I wanted". Wine chiller? Are you kidding me? I bet she has 3 kids and no stretch marks either. DIY network was a mistake. I switch to the heavy metal Sirius music station. ♪♫

I move on to the office. What the holy hell happened in here? I think I'm in Kansas - cuz it looks like a tornado went through here. No matter - Ozzy is rocking....Korn and Disturbed are next. I'm headbanging like a stoned teenager until crap - I got a little over-involved and headbanged my head on the TV shelf while I was trying to dust it. THIS is why I don't dust. Where the hell are the band-aids? Time for a channel change again. I'm too old to headbang.

Me and my Snow White bandaid are moving on. Kids are awake now so it's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse channel time. Ugh. For real? Whatever - I keep cleaning - I turn on the vacuum and the kids and the cats go screaming and scattering. This is because the last time they heard a vacuum was when they were in my womb. Um, I am no fan of the vacuum. And Mickey has got to go.

FINALLY. A fat show. Something about dieting and white-knuckling it and working out and hating every moment of it. I CAN SO DO THIS channel! I am renewed. On to one of the last rooms. This is where it gets dicey. I get a huge burr up my butt and decide - hmmm - wouldn't that DVD/DVR/surround sound cabinet look better on the other side of the TV? Yes - it's time for something new.

I'm not kidding - I start doing this and I'm swearing like a drunk truck driver in seconds. I'm stuck behind the TV for a good 15 minutes wrapped in more wires than a human has ever seen. Of course you say - unplug the wires - duh! NO freaking way. I unplug one of those hundred wires and I screw something up and my husband will need therapy to recover. I swear to God - halfway through I'm dying - I want to sit down on top of the wires and CRY my eyes out. But nope - I'm a woman dammit. How can I not figure this out? HEAR ME ROAR! This is what I want and I'm going to get it. I unhook a few to green - God remember red to green. I unplug safe things - Playstations, clocks, etc. No harm done. I finish it and viola! I HATE IT! If my little girls weren't in the room I would have thrown a tantrum not even Amy could compete with. It is so ugly there - it's awful - disgusting - I can't stand it. This means I have to do it all again - which I do. Not before I stand up and realize I'm sweating like a pig and smelling my old teenage boyfriend who couldn't figure out how to use deodorant. This is ridiculous. If anybody had watched what I had just done - and then undone - it'd be on America's Funniest Home Videos.

I put the damn TV back together just like it was. I move the couch now because I can do that and no one will get killed or maimed. I grab the Pringles. I watch the fat show. I want to throw up. I'm exhausted. It's 10:00am. Is it wrong to nap at 10am? GAWD - it's going to be a looonnnnggg day.

Do any of you think my mood has to do with the fact that it's been two days since I've had sugar? That's what I'm blaming it on instead of the fact that I have a va-jay-jay. That stupid thing gets me nothing but trouble. UGH!

♥ Smooches ♥ Hugs ♥

Friday, February 19, 2010

No nightmares about being picked last....I got nominated!

(Anyone else hear Carly Simon's ♪♫ You're So Vain ♪♫ in the background playing for ME - all wanting my very own blogger award?)

Okay so holy crap...for once in my entire life I'm speechless (ok not really as you'll see). I'm new to this blogging thing - just under 25 followers and now an award? Seriously I feel like I should have a gown on and cameras flashing at me while I thank people listed on a tiny piece of paper. Hmmm...not going to happen any time soon. I'd be crying - my eyes would be all puffy and I'd probably even have snot dripping if I put on a gown that cost over $50 - especially for an award that means as much as this one.

Drazil and Sheniqua are even blushing. Ever seen a lizard blush? It's the cutest thing ever. Sheniqua's face is red all the time from being so fat so I'm not actually sure if she's blushing or if she just climbed three steps.

Now to the to do list that comes with this nomination!

Barbara This Time ....I'm Doing it for ME... nominated me and her blog kicks butt. Have you seen her profile pic? You can't look at it and not smile with dang cute! Thank you Barbara - you made my day!

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award
• Copy the award and post it in your blog
• Link to the blog of the person who nominated you
• Tell seven interesting things about yourself
• Nominate seven bloggers
• Post links to the blogs of your nominees

Seven things about me (not sure if they are interesting or not):

1. I write poetry - always have - probably since I was old enough to write. 99% of my poems are sad because 99% of the time I only write them when I'm hurting.
2. I work in a professional office setting and I dress up and play the part every day....and underneath my clothes are 5 tattoos with deep meaning to me (some big) and my parents hate every one of them.
3. I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old....he's seen me at my worst more than at my best and he's still hanging around and loving me yet today.
4. In my daydream moments, I dream of opening a nude (but classy and elegant) photography shop for women (not because I'm a sicko) but so I could spend my life making fellow women realize that every part of them is beautiful - and give them a picture that is done tastefully to prove it - so they can hang it on their living room wall☺.
5. I am the plainest Janest eater on the planet. I go to Subway and get the bread and meat and lettuce. I buy a McD cheeseburger - hold the cheese - burger and bun only. I might as well eat cardboard.
6. I moved out on my own, got married, bought a house, bought a new car, and got a new job all within 3 months of each other when I was 21. Scared the hell out of me....but I survived. I kept the man - the other things didn't fare so well.
7. I've watched two women I loved leave this Earth - one died of Alzheimer's and one died of cancer. I am now afraid of cancer (who isn't?) but not nearly as afraid as I am of Alzheimer's.....or snakes actually.

And my seven nominees are (in no order):

Jen's Lap Band Journey
Jennifer is my BFF (don't even think about stealing her for your own). The things this woman conquers and survives and does on a daily basis make my head dizzy. She is the definition of role model and she's also my twin. Her blog is my all time favorite and did I mention - she's stunning? Check out her brand new blog layout. (yes....previously nominated....but I reserver the right to re-nominate - it's a BFF rule.)

Once Upon A Time...In the Land of Cheese and Sunkist
Amy W. is funny - too dang funny for words. And that smile. And she has this uncanny knack of emailing you right back when you email she's just waiting to help you. Read her blog - you'll be glad you did.

Good-Bye Fatty McButterpants
Kim - okay look at the title to this blog (♥love it!). Enough said. She's clever and informative and again - that smile. All the bloggers I follow have "draw you in" kind of smiles....

Losing Weight, Gaining Tons
Sarah - she's my fellow Lent follower and she's hilarious....and she's dying to get to Onederland and I know she'll get there soon. And her post alerted my BFF to a possible over-restriction in her own grateful for your informative post Sarah.

Band Groupie - she's my little follower-getter. I had just started out blogging and was desperate for followers to feel like someone was listening and BG put a shout out to all blogs that had less than 10 followers and poof! More followers for me = more smiles for me! Yippee - and her blog is amazing - she helps so many - and like my BFF said - she's so dang HOT!

The Losing Battle
Rebekah - oh what to say! I love Rebekah! She comments on my posts and she runs out to the library to research my posts! I mentioned a book and she went out and got it and read it. (Martha Beck should give me a commission) I was thrilled when I saw that and she has her own little Drazil now and Rebekah even makes boxing look good - in her little pink boxing gloves! I went out and bought some and wore them around the house just to look like you in that pic!

The forever diet
SuperMegaAnna - she's my fellow kitty owner. She has a 10lb in 4 week challenge going for herself right now. Stop in her blog and cheer her on! I know you can do it SuperMegaAnna!

Food Junkie to Fabulous!
Shaggs - YES I KNOW this is #8. I can't help it. Check out Shaggs' blog - and check out the HUGE ta-ta picture. If that doesn't make you laugh I don't know what will. Shaggs is like Amy - always answering your emails and making you feel special!

Thanks again Barbara - for the nomination - I am super humbled. Oh and P.S. - I turned down Skittles, 3 Musketeers, and OREOS today. Yes I said Oreos. Drazil was peeeeiiiissssed to say the least.

Love you all ♥ smooches and hugs ♥

Sure...Drazil might look all cute and green like his cousin Kermit.....but beware....

....he’s a bona-fide A-hole. (Yup – one sentence in and I’m swearing already).

Oh Drazil….how I hate you (almost as much as Sheniqua)! (for info on who the heck Drazil is – see his ever-charming bio above) If you read Martha Beck’s book like our fellow blogster Rebekah did - you’ll realize that most people’s inner lizards are nasty, scaly, ugly, hissy-fitty and the like. After all – they only spew insults and crap from their vile little mouths. But nope – not my Drazil. Look at his pic. He’s so cute – you just want to pinch his little cheeks.

Therein lies the problem. He makes me want to crawl in his lap (in my head he’s much bigger than his picture) and go to sleep while he pets my head and hums a lullaby (insert rock-a-bye ♪♪ baby song ♪♪). He’s so comfortable to me – I fall into his trap every day. He’s been with me for 35 years….part of me doesn’t know what to do without him.

But my GAWD – he has a rap sheet bigger than Charles Manson. He smells too. And he might look soft – but again – that’s a crock. He’s as scaly as lizards come I tell you. And do you know what he says every damn day like a broken record player? Here’s just a preview:

“You suck – you can’t lose weight to save your fat baby’s @ss!”
“Can’t you do anything right? I’m perfect – why can’t you be?”
“Do you really think you deserve all these blessings?”
“You’re kidding yourself if you think you can walk out of the house in that.”
“Eat the candy – me and Jesus are tight and he doesn’t really care about Lent.”
“You paid out your ass for a tummy tuck and you still look like that?”
“You might have lost 70lbs but you’re going to gain it all back.”
“I’ll be waiting for you the minute you open your eyes in the morning.”

Nice huh? And the whole time he’s usually eating some teeny tiny salad, wearing a damn Armani suit, talking on the phone to the Geico gecko or doing his 100th pushup…..screeching “IN YO FACE MAMA”!

Whatevah! I got my own damn teeny tiny salad, I got thongs from the upscale Walmart with a bow on them, I can talk on the phone to my best friend (luv you dear ♥) who’s a hit in the blogger world and I can do a pushup….well sort of…one of them girly on my knee ones - but still.

Drazil – you can kiss my fat baby’s ass. I stepped on the scale today and it was 168.5. You must have hopped off my shoulder for a bit you lardo warty-face. I’m changing every day – inside and out….and I’m totally outing you. Before I’m done everyone will know who you are and be on the lookout for you and any of your slimy cousins (Kermit the Frog excluded…he’s too adorable).

So take your rap sheet and your mucous laden little fingers (do lizards have fingers?) and go latch on to someone’s else’s shoulder…….for today anyway. I’ll let you back on mine tomorrow. Let me just have today mmmmkay??????

Thursday, February 18, 2010

This Catholic girl ain't no role model...

My poor blog followers – you have to read this confessional because I’m too afraid to step in a church and do it the right way. I’m convinced lightening would strike and blow up the centuries old church and my GAWD – I can’t be responsible for that.

So here we go – gut-spilling time. Lent started yesterday and I gave up sugar….because I couldn’t give up swearing, gossiping or sex basically. Um yah – sugar cookies at work today. Now these aren’t your “someone baked these days ago” sugar cookies. These are sugar cookies baked just a few hours ago by Betty Crocker. Betty-freaking-Crocker I tell you. You bite into them and you nearly have a frosting-gasm. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Now they aren’t huge but who cares? I SAID NO SUGAR DAMMIT < there I go swearing again! So I’m pulling a do-over – just like when I was three and I swung at the ball and didn’t hit it and I got to do it over – no strings attached. I start again tomorrow.

Oh and I sent my little girl to school today though she swore 50x over she was sick. Yah right – she is not – she doesn’t look sick. Put on your boots – we’re going. After all I go to work feeling like dog poop every day – suck it up – this is life. Yup – mother of the year award winner right here. And yah – by 10am I got a call from school…..:”Can you come get her? She’s sick.” Of course she is - SURE – I have nothing better to do than kick my own ass for sending her in the first place. Yup – that was me swearing again. You should have heard me in the car going to get her.

And OMFG (sort of swore there) … yesterday was the big day – Ash Wednesday. Like the Holy Grail of big days in a Catholic’s world and so the whole no meat thing is pretty big. You’re even supposed to fast. Um yah – I’m not capable of fasting (see sugar cookie paragraph above) so I did the no meat thing. I got home and berated the husband because he was having tacos. I did the “I’m holier than thou” look down my nose at him and also did the “I’m going to Heaven and you’re not” speech and said I wasn’t going to eat any of that delicious looking taco meat smothered in salsa. Yah – Satan is alive and well and he lives in my house. He told me Jesus would love me even if I ate that taco stuff….so I did.

AND the topper of the night – instead of CCD my little girl was supposed to go to Ash Wednesday mass. Didn’t happen. I told you I can’t step foot in a church didn’t I?

So today I’m picking out material….for my chair…next to the Devil. I’m convinced I’m going to Hell and it’s going to be hot and plain down there so I figure I’m going to spruce my spot up a bit and get some sunflower or polka-dot material to cover my chair with. Or maybe there aren’t chairs down there (I should be looking for comfy shoes instead) – maybe you have to stand for all of eternity.

Moral of the story is - beware – screw with Ash Wednesday and you’ll be living with the other rebellious hellions for the rest of your days. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t sugar cookies in Hell either. Dammit. (I just threw that one in for good measure.)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I despise I'm giving her up for Lent...

GAWD – if only it were that easy. Give up my fat (Sheniqua) for Lent and she’d be instantly gone. Instead I’m sitting here wondering if I should give up sugar or soda or swearing or sex. Oh that’s right – my husband threatened divorce if I choose the last one in that list.

Which brings me to swearing. Let me tell you – that ain’t gonna &$#@! happen. This morning I already called Sheniqua an effing cow and told her to go to the underworld – aka HELL. It’s my guilty pleasure – swearing like a drunken whore waiting for the sailors to come in and partake of my many gifts. All day long I’m prim and proper and professional and at night I’m hug-y with my girls and love-y with my husband but once in a while I need to just scream the F word and return to my dark side. It heals me.

So that leaves soda. Um nope – I’m chugging a Mountain Dew right now. Oops.

So I’m left with sugar. F-I-N-E. I’ll do it. And by sugar – let’s be clear – I mean sweets like cake, candy, chocolate, etc. I’m not counting the sugar in my soda or regular food. Man alive – am I really dumb enough to think Jesus gives a crap about how much soda I eat? Whatevah.

Back to despising Sheniqua by the way. Her and her stupid ideas. SHE is the reason my aching body decided I should try doing the P90X fitness program. My brain never would have attempted such a thing. I tell you – I hurt in places I didn’t know I had body parts. I get up from a chair and I groan – out loud. I walk like I have a corn cob stuck up my @ss. My boobs even hurt. I didn’t even work them puppies out….but they hurt. My entire body is screaming “you idiot – you deserve this pain”! I am certainly not the fitness queen I thought I was. I’m not kidding – it hurts to breathe. I think my ears even hurt. Okay maybe not….

Oh and for those of you thinking I completely missed the entire meaning behind giving something up and Lent and all that….get your panties out of your behind….I’m going to redeem myself. Along with giving up sugar I’m going to give more of me to my family and friends. I’m going to sit less in front of the TV and computer and sit more in front of my children. I’m going to be less self-absorbed and be more absorbed in the people around me. How’s that??

I still hate Sheniqua though – no Lent anything is going to change that.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tummy Tucks and P90X do not play well together...

Have any of you ever done the P90X fitness insanity workouts? Ugh. While I knew they were going to be tough because EVERYONE says this fitness plan kicks your @ss….I didn’t expect to be scared to do the moves. Scared how you ask? Well less than 2 years ago I had a tummy tuck AND I still can’t do ab work. Well I could – but it scares me. Many people believe that a tummy tuck or abdominoplasty is simply the cutting off of extra skin. A breast reduction is simply cutting off skin (I’ve had that too) - but a tummy tuck is not. It is SO much more than that. Note this is why it takes literally days to recover from a breast reduction, but weeks or months or even years to feel normal after a tummy tuck. While the main point is to take off hanging skin (or pita stomach I think one of you coined it) there is another motive to having this surgery too. And that is muscle repair. In a nutshell, the doc literally separates your skin from your muscle and lifts it up. She cuts off the extra skin AND then underneath the skin, she literally sews your ab muscles back up. It is a highly invasive surgery and screws up your lymphatic system and is no walk in the park. Any woman who has had children or lost weight (thereby stretching stomach muscles) probably has torn muscles in their stomach. They separate and the only way to get them tight again is surgery. No diet or workout will ever repair it – believe me – I tried. Anyway – you have to be very careful after a tummy tuck – even of sneezing or coughing or taking a fall – because the muscle repair stitches can come out and be ruined. BUT almost 2 years out there is no danger of that YET I can’t do ab work or yes I refuse to….and girls, I only had a mini tummy tuck – not a full. I can’t imagine. I do a mere situp and it feels like my abs are going to pop – much like my fat rolls burst out of my too-tight jeans at the end of the day and it aches. Hard to explain but let’s just say it doesn’t feel good. So for now – I have the tightest abs known to man – but you can’t see them as Sheniqua (my extra 20 pounds) is guarding them. So yah – that’s excuse #1 never to do P90X – well not now anyway.

Excuse #2 is hardwood floors suck for working out and I’m too cheap to buy a mat. Excuse #3 is that it’s hard to hog the big living room TV for an hour while I make the rest of the family find other things to do. They’ll totally do it – but the woman/mom in me feels guilty of course. Yes, I’m aware this is MY problem. Excuse #4 – I have an uncanny ability to carry muscle like a linebacker for the 49ers. It’s sick. Do I really want to build on that and have MORE muscle? Um no. And who cares if I’m muscle – can anyone see that as I walk around in my professional or casual clothing? Nope. I just want to look and feel thin – I could give a fat baby’s ass about muscle. And for me – losing weight means cardio – lots of cardio and calorie restriction – not muscle building.

Excuse #5 is that I feel like a failure doing these videos. I can’t do all the moves which “Mr. I’m so high on life instructor boy” says is fine – but not in my perfectionist world it isn’t. Isn’t a constant movement (my treadmill) better than me doing two moves, giving the TV the finger, sitting down, and screaming obscenities at the instructor? *Side not - WHY do men instructors insist on wearing skin tight shorts while they instruct??????? I mean yes I’m aware you have a penis – but do I have to see it? Rant over. * I do the treadmill, I am with my husband (he does the elliptical) and I get to watch my favorite episode of Ruby or Biggest Loser or whatever else I can get to motivate my fat baby’s @ss.

So there – how was that for justifying never using P90X again? Pretty good? I mean cuz if those aren’t enough excuses I’m pretty sure I can come up with more.

Now could one you bring me a Pepsi – I can’t freaking move my legs or arms because they are too sore. Sheniqua needs her Pepsi. And Sheniqua will sue P90X if she can’t get one.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Holy Mother of God - what is that noise?

Seriously!!! Okay first you should know that we have two kitties so that this story makes sense. Often we have stray cats in the yard and they can get pretty loud once they realize we have kittens inside they’d like to get at.

Sooooo – it’s oh – about 2am and I hear a noise. OMG – it’s a cat. And what the holy hell? It must be wounded – it sounds like it’s dying. *I clear my foggy I used to be sleeping brain* Oh wait – we have cats! That sound could be one of our cats! *Open eyes still squeezed tightly shut pretending this isn’t happening* I lay back down – I must be dreaming – I’m too tired to deal with this crap. JEEESUS – there it is again. What the holy hell is wrong with that thing? Something is wrong – I have to get up – I cannot sleep through this noise one more second. *now no longer sleeping brain realizes I have a husband who could figure this out – I must wake him so I can go back to sleep* I turn over to wake him up – and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD – JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH!


That’s right people. I said the dying cat, in heat or rabies-stricken cat noise is coming from the man I love more than life itself. I was going to wake him up, scare the hell out of him and tell him to go be a man with big balls and find the source of the noise scaring his girly little wife so he could be the hero I know he wants to be. Now I didn’t know whether to cry or scream bloody murder. So I hit him.

He rolled over.

I cursed at him.

I hit him again for good measure.

I laid my head on the pillow and thought – seriously – the only thing is was good for was a good blog in the morning. Every woman who has dealt with someone snoring can appreciate this story I’m sure. Snoring is one thing but disguising it as an animal in distress – that’s just mean and hateful. Wait until he hears about this tonight. I think I’ll hit him again. It makes me feel a little better.

Did I mention I’m tired?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A little Chuck Norris was all I needed....

I just got back from a visit with my best friend who had lap band a while ago and it was so just what I needed. Whenever I spend more time with her - I learn more and more about the kind of person she is and the kind of person it makes me want to be. I'm proud of both of us. We of course ate out BUT we didn't majorly snack in between meals like we would have before. She has major restriction in her band and eats like a little bird-y and that helps me. I mean the poor girl is living on less than 500 cals a day - I can surely restrict myself a little too right? She's just inspiring to say the least. We did girly things like getting our nails done and fun things like playing board games with the family (Chuck Norris was a big part of our board game - lol). A perfect weekend.

This whole "real" best friend thing is still so new to me that I'm in awe when I leave her. No fighting, no tense moments, no backstabbing, no drama, no fears, no wishing I was somewhere else, no pretending to be something I'm not. Really it's priceless. She's the kind of person that makes me want to bust out laughing at the tiniest thing. And she's the kind of best friend that brings tears to my eyes when I think of what she means to me. Seriously - I'd fight Chuck Norris for her. Enough said right?

Happy Valentine's All!

Oh and P.S. - do any of you read any blogs of anyone who has experienced a tummy tuck or breast reduction? I had one not too long ago and would like to follow that topic but am blog-illiterate and can't figure out how to find that topic. Thanks in advance for your help.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Accountability sucks.....but it beats the alternative....

Soooo earlier this week I was about to go on a major “who the heck cares, why do I even try, I’ll never reach my goal, I wasn’t meant to be thin” binge. Since January 1, I’ve been kicking butt and taking names. My best friend and I made a pact – 2010 is the year we get healthy and get fit. I’ve set goals, have a diet plan and have been working out. And yes, I’m completely OCD in that I track my fitness and food in spreadsheets, in binders and online…like tracking it in 3 places will make me stick to it. It’s proof I did it I guess and writing it and entering it and typing it makes me feel proud of me.

Anyway – back to earlier this week. I’m tracking, and doing the work and still my weight is stuck. I’m netting calories between 700-900 a day and I’m STARVING. Well fine, I’m not starving – I just think I am. So for all the world to see I’m listing my February goals in an effort to see if it makes me more accountable. My food goal is always 1200 calories a day….I workout and burn anywhere from 300-550 so that nets me in the 700-900 range which is good. Workout goals in comparison to January are below:

Miles done – 67.9
Days worked out – 23 of 31
Cals burned – 9437 (2.7lbs)
Time worked out – 20.6 hrs

Mile goal – 75
Days goal – 25 of 28
Cal goal – 10000 (2.86lbs)
Time goal – 22 hours

February so far
Miles so far – 26.5
Days so far – 10 of 10
Cals so far – 3800
Time so far – 8.1 hrs

Look at February so far – can you believe that working out for a full 8 hours means I lost a little over a pound? Holy Mother of God. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. I have successfully lost 6.5 lbs as of January 1 so I suppose I’m nearly on track for 1 pound a week. That’s sustainable and slow enough to make it last I think. Meanwhile my husband loses double that and works out half the time. I hate boys. I’d stick a penis to my leg if that’s the thing that would make me lose as fast as men do.

Total weight loss goal for this year is between 18.5 and 23.5 – we’ll see how I feel when I get there. The day I went in for my tummy tuck after losing 70 lbs I weighed 153 and I felt GREAT except for the large piece of skin that was hanging from my stomach. I need to get back there and I’ll settle for 150-155.

So there – done – stats listed, weights accounted for, sins confessed. Full disclosure. Only time will tell if it helps. Here’s hoping….cuz I’m not really all that excited about having to stick a penis to my leg if this accountability thing doesn’t work. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Skinny fingers - WTF????

Snow day here today so that meant me, myself and I had a day to myself....and surprisingly I didn't eat everything in the cupboards. Staying home all day isn't my routine and doing so usually tells my "fat" brain it has permission to deviate off course and eat everything in sight. Half-way through the day I even got the hair-brain idea to work out - and finished a full 75 minutes on the eliptical. GAWD - I hate that thing. A couple of home improvement shows made it bearable this time though.

Anywhoooo....just one revelation today on this neverending weight loss journey. I've lost close to 6 lbs since Jan. 1 - through basic white-knuckling and a 1200 calorie diet. After my workouts my net cals are in the 700-800 range on a good day. The revelation? Not a new one - but one I despise and love all at once. SKINNY FINGERS! WTF?? Are you serious? Again? It is so freaking odd - not to mention worthless - to me to have skinny fingers. I'm a bling girl and it makes every one of my beloved rings spin like crazy when I type or do anything and it is super annoying. Why on Earth does this happen? Like I give a fat baby's ass if I have fat fingers??? I need the fat off of my "once-lipo-ed but you can't tell sides".

Ah - alas - I guess I can't means I am indeed losing the puffy feeling and going in the right direction. I just think it's an evil twist of fate. So for anyone who says they can't tell I lost weight - well I'll just give them the finger....then they should be able to tell right?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bikinis in February should be outlawed...

Fine. I did it. I put on a damn bikini even though the temp outside is negative something and there is snow everywhere. It took me 20 minutes to find the thing in the drawer and I packed them all - because we all know they're all not going to look right so I have to try them all on and then pick the "least flab showing" one. Yes, annual family waterpark event. But get this. Two days ago I get a leaf-y/vine-y/butterfly-y tattoo on my back so I wasn't allowed to get wet - yahoo! That means I can keep a shirt on for a reason! Now if you think I did that on purpose....well fine - you're right. Honestly I don't know what's worse...the whole side rolls I got going on with my BIF (Butt In Front) or being scared one of my nipples is going to pop out at any moment. No woman could have invented a bikini I tell you.
Well actually it's not the bikini's fault. 10 years ago I had breast reduction and while my ta-tas are now a normal size - my you know whats are in the dead center of said ta-tas - which is odd I think and very prone to coming out of a bikini top. 30 pound boobs vs. centered you know whats and I'd choose the you know whats every time. Sooooo in honor of my best friend who tells me to not wait to live life until I'm at my goal weight and who tells me live it up and strut my stuff - I rocked that leopard bikini....right after I quietly asked my husband if it was appropriate to show that much skin in the presence of young children. His response? "God, the only thing that would make it better would be if you had your old boobs back." He doesn't get it. If I still had those boobs - they'd be tucked into my bikini bottom. They wouldn't look like boobs - they'd be more like tube socks with bowling balls at the bottom of them.
But yah, once or twice I even took my shirt off. I also had a tummy tuck two years ago after losing 70lbs and I didn't even give a darn about covering that scar. Let 'em think what they want. I earned that scar and every other one on my body. I think I even saw some old geezer checking me out. I winked at him, tucked my nipple back in my bikini and RAN!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Protective Mom in overdrive....bullies beware!

Do you see the steam rolling out of my ears? See my eyes turn red? See the veins popping out of my neck? Man, even Sheniqua is having fits of rage. My little girl got bullied on the playground this week. Now first of all – she’s nine. What in the hell are we teaching our kids – or maybe NOT teaching our kids – these days that makes a 20 minute recess turn into a battleground? What happened to respect for all, keep your hands to yourself, tolerance, and the freaking Golden Rule? Out the window I suppose – along with discipline and consequences and being accountable. This girl who bullied my girl sees violence and fighting every day – at home between her parents – and she knows no different and it comes out on the playground and my child feels the brunt of that. While horrible and sad for her – it’s not my child’s problem.
I feel anger unlike I’ve ever felt before and I’ve often heard of parents speak of this type of feeling. The emotion that overcomes you when your child has been threatened or hurt and it’s unexplainable – and scary. You turn into someone you don’t know – you act like you don’t normally act – and you say things you normally wouldn’t say – and you hurt like you’ve never hurt. Some days through the hustle and bustle of daily life I have wondered if I love my kids “enough” but on days like this when I feel like this – I know I do. I know in this moment I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my child….so you better get out of my way. While I admit there are many days when I lack self-confidence and the ability to demand respect or stand up for myself – this is not one of those days. You hurt my kid and you’ll see a side of me you didn’t know existed.
Bullies are like terrorists – no one sees it coming, no one believes it can happen, when it happens everyone is shocked – and everyone reacts in a politically correct way. Well I say screw that! How do I tell my child to walk away from the bully when I myself want to kick her snotty little ass? Seriously – no one ever told me about this when I was deciding whether or not to have kids. I knew I’d be up all night, there’s be spit-up and snot, laughter from toys, tears from scrapes…..but not this. Not bullies. Not my child. Not our school. Not at nine.
There’s only one thing to do in lieu of home-schooling….and that is sign her up for karate. That’s my politically correct solution. I refuse to raise a victim. Not on my watch. Not in my lifetime. If other parents want to bury their heads in the sand and pretend their kid is an angel who does no wrong – have at it. But when your kid becomes the devil I know she is – my child won’t be on the receiving end of her wrath. I can’t help the parents who don’t have the skills or the balls or sense to teach their kids respect and decency and kindness. I can only teach my kid that – and teach her how to fight back when your idiot parenting skills threaten her through your child. You gave me no choice. So beware – there’s a black belt in the making……

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I married a freaking fairy tale....

Okay – this blog is going to make you gag and roll your eyes – quite a few times I’m sure but something in me needs to write it out to prove to myself it’s real. I’m going to talk about my husband but let’s rewind first.
I went to a friend’s house the other night – just girls – so as you may have guessed that means “husband bashing time”. That’s fine – they can bash….but I’ve got nothing to say. I hear things like “I want to just spend time with him, we never laugh anymore, he never listens to me, he treats me like his child instead of his equal, I respect him so why doesn’t he respect me, I work hard at home but he can’t see that, I don’t ask for much, I feel like his employee, he hasn’t seen me naked in 6 weeks and that’s not about to change.” SIX WEEKS! Are you kidding me?
I sit, I nod as if I understand – but the truth is I don’t. I hope I never do. The truth is I just don’t understand how this happens. Did the man change or did the woman? Was it always this way or did it progressively get worse? Where is the freaking love? I’ve talked about this with my best friend who never has much to say in the “husband bashing” session either and we are always baffled at how many women settle. What makes women as a breed do that? Why are our standards so low? What in the world are we teaching our daughters?
I sit and listen and I think JESUS – I’m married to a fairy tale in comparison. No lie. A real life prince it seems. And while that should make me ecstatic – it actually scares the hell out of me. How did this happen? Why me? I’m not deserving and I can’t be a princess back to him so at what point will it be ripped away from me? How do I make him understand that I realize what I have in him? How, if ever, will I be able to live without him?
Every day my husband wakes up and doesn’t leave the bed without hugging and kissing me – no matter that it’s 4am. I wake up to find reminder notes, kid’s lunches packed, bags packed and things already in the car so I have less to carry. I get to work and there’s an email with a subject line of “Good morning baby doll”….with a small note saying “Hope you made it to work okay. I’m pretty busy but miss you. Will talk to you soon. Love you the mostest.” I reply and we chat all day – mostly about his next day off when we can sleep in and cuddle and spend every waking moment together and how great it will be. When he gets off work – he barely gets to his truck before I get a phone call and it’s another “Hey baby – how are ya? I’m heading home. I’ll pick up the girls so you don’t have to. Whatcha want for supper?” We chat and he indeed gets our girls and starts supper before I even get off work. I head home – he greets me at the door. Another kiss. Another hug. Ahh….the day’s events are wiped away in that one instant. We chat about the day – the usual. I tell him every detail of my day and he shares his. We hang out with the kids, work out together, watch our favorite shows after the girls are in bed and usually shove our big flabby bodies into a teeny tub and talk more about our hopes and dreams and the day. We go to bed and usually end up laughing our asses off about something stupid and I fall asleep with his arms wrapped around me. That’s my day – not some Valentine’s Day or anniversary or day off – that’s my day – every day. Once in a blue blue moon he’s tired or stressed or ticked at something – but it’s rare. He’s a man who can’t go to a store without buying me something – even if it’s usually my favorite candy bar for 50 cents. His thoughts are always of me and how he can make my day better. And it astonishes me. Because God knows I’m not that great and certainly not that deserving. I just don’t get it most days. And on every day I just don’t understand living in a world feeling like the women I spent time with over the weekend who couldn’t speak of their husband without tears falling. I am trying not to judge – I am not them, I am not their marriage or their life and I realize women stay for many reasons – and each woman owns those reasons.
For me, when I say my husband is my soulmate I mean it. I mean that if he’s not in this world I will lose part of my soul. It will literally be hard to breathe. There are things I count on I can’t live without…like him reaching for my hand whenever he’s driving or him being unable to keep his hands off me in a certain shirt 20 years later. Him taking out garbage and emptying a litter box – not because he loves it but because he knows it’s nice I don’t have to do it. Him writing me love letters for no reason. Him doing laundry because it’s one less thing I have to do. Him picking up my library books because I don’t have time or holding my hand through every tattoo even when I don’t ask him to. Him crying when our two little daughters were born. Him becoming enraged if our safety is ever threatened. Him being him. I guess I’m just always surprised that I walk away from every “husband bashing” event feeling like I won the lottery. I can’t say that to the other women because they are hurting and it wouldn’t be right – so I’m saying it here and now because this is MY blog. Roll your eyes, gag – do what you will. I don’t really mind. It IS pretty sappy…….