Friday, April 30, 2010

BYOC Friday!!!!! **Bring Your Own Craziness**

Welcome to BYOC Friday. Five random questions where I ask you things (both serious and funny) you wouldn’t normally blog about in an effort to get to know you better. (plus every Friday you don’t have to come up with a blog subject – BYOC is pre-made just for your fried brain!)


Copy, paste and answer in your blog if you so desire.  Share with anyone else who you want to get to know more!

1. What’s your favorite smell?

Hmm….for me it’s my husband. I have a “special spot” I sit in on his lap and tuck my head under his chin and put my face against his chest while he wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and in those moments the world doesn’t exist. The smell right there on his chest is heaven. And my girls – they each have a smell – and they have no idea but after they’ve gone to sleep I check on them and usually smell their hair.

2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why?

I don’t know if it’s my favorite movie but it’s the movie that means the most to me. It’s Ghost – with Patrick Swayze (yummo) and Demi Moore. It’s the first movie I saw with hubby when I was 15 and the first time he held my hand and the first date that started it all. This year I plan to have our first date anniversary numbers tattooed on me with a silhouette of a ghost in the background. Hubby will get the same tattoo.

3. What’s your trigger food?

Milky Ways and bread. I’m a carbaholic. I can put down more bread and Milky Ways than a 400 pound NFL linebacker. No lie.

4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two?

I admit – this is me being selfish. My cousin’s baby was just diagnosed with a rare neuro disease (2% of children in 10,000,000 get it) and I don’t know what to say or do to help. I don’t live near her so I only have words. My go-to’s are usually…..

“Let go, Let God”. Or “this too, shall pass”. Or “everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end.”

Words seems so cliché in difficult times but I cling to them in times like this – they become my mantra. Tell me yours….because I’m at a loss.

5. This one is always the same. Who is your nominee for the blog of the week for YOU? Which blog OR comment touched your heart, spoke to you, stuck with you all week?

Blog – for me was Roo – she had an exceptionally brave blog about what she hides behind and her secret. And Carmen – opening up more about her boyfriend and reaching out for support. And for sure Band-Babe whose positive outlook amidst feeling a little cruddy after surgery makes me super proud of her.

Comments – not so much comments but for me – emails. All of you who emailed me privately this week were my lifeboat – and you know who you are. I puffy heart each of you for taking time out of your busy lives to think of contacting me directly. It makes my heart sing.

(PS Band Babe – I was thinking of sending you my nastiest swelling/seroma pics so you could see yours are totally normal and look dang good – would that even help or not really? Lemme know….you’d have to swear to delete them but I’d send them to you cuz I love you so much!)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Shhhh…….we’re hunting wabbits.

Okay not really – it’s *&^%$ turkeys.

You guys – I just called my husband….AKA Rambo….AKA Tarzan. He answered his phone like he’s on one of those hunting show documentaries. Have you seen those?

GROWN FREAKING MEN WHISPER THROUGH THE WHOLE DAMN SHOW! And they giggle with each other and slap asses and all that freaky crap…..all while wearing camo vests on their beer bellies, black paint on their faces and wolf pee on their boots.

If I was going to watch such a show I’d have to turn that sucking TV up to volume level 50 just to hear it. Every time DH watches it I want to get out my hearing aid and scream “Speak up you assholes – the turkey you’re hunting can’t hear you and NEITHER CAN I!”

Those shows drive me crazy. And they act like idiots. They seriously dance around and hug and cream in their shorts when they “get one”….even though they are using a gun with a laser beam that’s accurate all the way to Africa and back. Oh yah – real surprise you hit that super tough target of an ELEPHANT. Where do you get your talent? My God.

Okay – anyway – I called DH….and I got a real live version of the show and I nearly went through the phone and ripped his nards off.

It went like this:

Rambo:  “Hello” – whispered very quietly. I kid you not – I didn’t even realize he had answered the phone.

Me: “Oh for f*ck’s sake – speak up – I can’t hear you and I need you to get the girls.”

Rambo: “We’re hunting” (which is why I’m talking like a pansy ass)

NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I could tell by the manly volume of your voice.

Seriously – we do this for turkeys. We talk like we’re spies. We whisper like the Russian Mafia could hear what we’re saying and we must be careful.

I swear – one more day of this – and if he comes home without a turkey I’m mounting HIS camo-loving, whispering ass on the wall.

I have rage issues. In my world – PMS stands for Po-dunk Man Shit. I swear to God you only deal with this when you live in Po-dunk city out in Hicksville Township. I better log off now – my man stud will be pulling up the drive in his 4x4 monster truck any minute.  Elmer Fudd will be sitting in the passenger seat - holding the rifle which is totally legal here in Po-dunk.

These are the facts. And they are undisputed. (And my first fill...)

Anyone remember that line from Kevin Bacon in “A Few Good Men”…you know the movie with Tom Cruise (back when Tom Cruise wasn’t a whack job) and Jack Nicholson? Well I stole it cuz well – these are the facts – and they are undisputed – dammit.

I threw the dammit in for good measure. It totally helps right? That and I can’t go 3 sentences without swearing or talking about a vagizzle or something.

April sucked a fat baby’s ass for me. Well okay – not entirely – I just mean in the “Drazil is going to lose weight and exercise like a maniac and look like Carmen Electra” area of my life. But for realz (Amy W word alert #1) I have been successful in many things this month. Let me name.

I was successful in NOT meeting my hour, mile or calorie goal. I was successful in NOT losing weight. I was successful in beating myself up for the aforementioned NON-successes.

Yah, yah – who wants to be me the infamous Drazil now? Not a dang one of you I bet. Shitballs. (Amy W word alert #2)

Fear not. I shall not give up. It’s fine really. Having months like this bring me off of my perfectionist pedestal in truth. They make me realize beyond living and breathing food and exercise – I have a life – a really full one – and I live it to the fullest and sometimes that means I suck at diet and exercise. It doesn’t mean I give up, doesn’t mean I’m done, doesn’t mean I’ll gain back everything I worked so hard to lose…it doesn’t even mean I’m mad at myself.

I’m disappointed a little. I could have tried harder I suppose but seriously I’m a busy little lizard most days and I’m downright exhausted and I did what I could when I could. And weeks like this always motivate me to get back on the proverbial wagon. They teach me how I feel when I don’t “treat my body like the temple it is”.

The facts are this. Want me to tell you they are undisputed again? I can if it makes you think of Kevin Bacon or just bacon in general. Either is delicious if you ask me.

I do not feel good. I ate too much sugar this month. I had more migraines this month. I was super tired this month. I was downright lethargic. I was not energetic. I wanted to sleep and take naps. I wanted nothing to do with “dessert”. I felt crappy mentally. I felt like I was unclear, in a fog. I felt like an addict when it came to sugar. And the list goes on.

Thank God May is here. For April I can only report I only worked out 10 days, did 26 miles, burned 2885 cals and put in 429 minutes. Blech. Sheniqua and Drazil kicked my ass in April. But May is mine. I’m taking control back. I’m not re-starting because in my mind I never stopped.

And to my little lap bander followers (I say little cuz you all shrink as fast as my silk skivvies in the dryer)….your friendly neighborhood Phantom Lap Bander (that’d be me) is officially professing that I got my first fill this year this April. I’ve waited for it for so long.

I am filled with gummi worms, sugar, Milky Ways and bullshit….didn’t even have to make an appt to get it either. That’s how special I am.

Drazil and Sheniqua are getting banded in May – across their mouths – with duct tape. Anyone wanna watch? It should be quite entertaining….in a sadistic sorta way.

Onward and downward my ho-bags! Bring on May! If nothing else it’s one month closer to Chicago right??????? (and the f*cking bikini I promised Amy W I'd wear)

PS - I shit you not - in the middle of typing this Explosive Man just blew up.  Another guy was walking by my office and heard him and nearly stopped in his tracks and looked around like "should I take cover - are we being bombed by shit?".  OMG - I nearly fell off my chair laughing.  Oh the EM can scare the hell out of you if you're not prepared.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL.  God help me.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Serious turkey neck issues....

Now I know my followers are a bunch of ho-bags and therefore you read this blog title and you immediately thought I’d be talking about the turkey neck also known as the whootananny also known as the fah-gina. YOU ARE WRONG. (perverts – every last one of you)

I don’t know where you’d get an idea like that. Me – talking about body parts and body functions?? I think not. Mother Teresa was my Grandma. I’m practically a Saint.

Moving on. I’m seriously talking about gobble gobble turkey necks. Those ugly damn things that run in the woods and have miraculously wound up on nearly every freaking wall in my house. I ask you - how is one turkey feather different than another? Who cares how long his beard is? I can grow a beard too – are you going to frame me and put me on a wall? UGH.

Where’s the skill anyway? I could hit one with my car nearly every day going into work. It’s not that hard. Turkeys are dumb – kinda like the deer that want to run into my car. Kinda dumb just like the men hunting them.

For real – you guys who have thought all along that I was this mystical nice creature like the Care Bears I live with or the unicorn I drive into work on…well you’re going to figure out real quick that was a load of shitballs. Because today my husband is turkey hunting. The whole day – 4am to 4pm. I mean I love to shop and eat ice cream but I couldn’t even do that for that long.

Honestly is there anything you could do for that long - by yourself - except sleep?  If there is - don't answer.  Pretend this was rhetorical.

I am instantly pissed about this hunting business. My husband works 6 weekends in a row so that means when I’m off of work and have a day off – he works – and I have our children. When he has a day off – I’m working – but he still has no kids. Fine. The man works his azz off in overtime and 16 hour shifts and has two PT jobs like me. But we have a contractor at our house and my hubby could be helping him therefore saving us money therefore keeping my 3 inch heel walking legs out of Menards!!!!

Would it save us even $100? Probably not – but I’m pretending that’s why I’m pissed cuz it sounds like a normal sane kind of reason.

But really? Really?

I’m just mad I’m here and he has the day to do what he loves.

I. Am. Jealous.

I can’t even pick a fight about it. The man I married is a prince so I can’t. I mean this is the guy would wipe my ass for me if I asked. He cleans toilets for God’s sake – without my asking. Yah, that makes him a hero in my book due to my aversion to anything poop.

What is my problem? Maybe Amy W. has created a new aversion for me – turkey necks. Anything to do with turkeys and I go ballistic. Yes, that’s it. When he comes home tonight all Rambo looking bringing home meat for his family like Tarzan and I’m pissed off and he asks why – I shall say – Amy W. did it to me. Why don’t you ask her? Then I’ll stick my tongue out at him in the most 35-year old mature way possible and stomp down the hallway. I’ll tell him if he loves turkeys so much why doesn’t he marry one? You know – that always sounded good in arguments when I was 15 or so.

Come on girls. Give me something that sounds decent. Why on Earth am I so mad? Am I that shallow I can’t be happy for this man who lives and breathes for me on the days he’s not turkey hunting? I want to be the only turkey in his life.

I can look cute on a wall – I just know it.

No worries – I’ll be fine – I’ll just go get another Milky Way.  Jenny - where the hell are you when I need to be shot with a paint gun?

Okay....I know I do this a lot but....

....I found another one!  Another lap-bander.  I swear I'm drawn to "you people".  "You people" are like a cult - a group all your own so much that I now call you "you people"....LOL.  I am the phantom Lap Bander...

Anywhoozle - I just started following Beth cuz I realized she was following me and you should follow her too.  She could use that specific lap band advice I can't give but beyond that the post she wrote about her experiences when she was younger broke my heart and I'd love for you all to check her out and give her some was a hard post to write for her and deserves to be read by many.

So if you get a chance stop over there and tell her Draz sent you so she knows where all "you people" are suddenly coming from......oh I crack myself up.

Thank you ho-bags....I loves you lots!

**Update....a new bandster commented below and is asking for followers/support.  Her link is:  if you're interested!  Good luck on your journey Marcia!

Me, Draz and Sheniqua are sad....

I shall tell you why.

First off, today is one of those “I am uglier than sin” days. Okay revise that – I am not uglier than sin but I “feel” uglier than sin. You know what I mean? We’ve all been there. Hair is awful. Makeup didn’t help. Fat rolls amuck. Boils on my face. I made that last one up but it feels like it.

This is the day I want a life size cut out of me at 226 pounds so I can stand next to it and see what I used to look like so today I’d feel better.

It’s amazing the difference in feeling from one day to another isn’t it? And amazing the difference a pair of heels makes? I had to go to Menards after work yesterday. Yes – I live there – for those of you wondering. It’s a man store – all home improvement with a few candles thrown in to entice a woman or two. It’s a store full of men with holes in their pants and hot contractor butts and biceps. Anyway I walk in there in my 3 inch heels and silver sparkley shirt and short capris and I saw people looking at me. Now the vain woman in me pretended they looked cuz I’m hot but the truth is they were all looking at me like I had two heads. Who the hell goes in a home improvement store wearing three inch heels? No one. Ever. Cuz they are smarter than me. The place is huge and by the time I got out of there my feet were killing me. Three inch heels were not made for trapsing all over a store and parking lot while you pretend you look hot so no one knows you want to poke your own eye out with the damn heel cuz it hurts so much. Anyway – I carry myself different in heels and I feel more like a woman. Do you guys feel that too?

Now today – mmm – not so much. I am frumptastic. I have on white capris with flip flops. I walk like I’ve been beat with the tired stick and I look plain old slovenly. I feel like a boy – not a woman with sex appeal much less a fahgina I can rule the world with. My look matches my shitabulous hair and my shitastic face. Oy.

And mentally? I’m still suffering the after-effects of the migraine. Anyone dare to ask me what I just had for breakfast? I’ll tell you.

A mini Milky Way for 50 calories. WHAT THE HELL?

I would just like to ask myself and all of you…what in us makes us believe that mere seconds with a piece of food is worth hours of agony and regret and self-loathing that come after it? I’m going to beat myself up all day about that Milky Way. Not because I care about the calories but because the sugar/chocolate in it caused the migraine that I’m still feeling today. Let’s face it – migraines make you want to die. Period. Why on Earth would a Milky Way be worth that? Anyone who tells you food has no power over a person – is a liar and has never stared down a Milky Way on “Frumpy Day”.

I swear to God I’d feel better if some man would offer up his tallywhacker for me to chop off.

And I am sad. We’re all aware I’m a perfectionist freak (I’m trying to fix this) – but some days it really shows and it shows in blogging. I want to be something to everyone I follow. I want you to know I read what you wrote and it mattered to me and it affected my life. I need you to know that. But for the last two days I’ve been out with the migraine, and my extra jobs and the stupid remodeling project (excuses I know)….I have a few minutes to write and that’s it. I have read blogs but haven’t commented and I’m mad about that. Mad that I have too many jobs and not enough time to do something I really care about. Sad to think some of you might have noticed I didn’t comment and might be wondering what my problem is? I notice when people don’t comment – let’s be honest – comments make a person’s day and to think I haven’t done that for anyone lately hurts me. Now yes – I have a slight ego problem – obviously. I mean most of you are thinking – hmmm Drazil hasn’t commented – I didn’t notice. But *I* noticed. I want to be a good comment whore. So I am sorry. I swear to God I’ll make up for it. I feel like I’ve let you all down and it really bugs me. You’ve all become such a part of my life and I need you all to know that – even when I can’t comment. So much of me feels like if I can’t blog perfectly – I shouldn’t blog at all. I know I’m insane and arrogant….I get that.

Ugh – it’s clearly an emotional day. F*cking Milky Ways. Who’s the bastard who invented those? I swear – same guy – that did the panty hose, three inch heels, and blowjobs. Seriously – useless. All of them. Just useless….

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Proof that I don't make this sh*t up!

I told you guys I'm surrounded by poo.  Now I have proof.  I'm on the Menards (home improvement store) email list cuz I'm a card carrying member of the damn store unfortunately.

I just got an email from said Menards.  Subject line was: Sale on Preferred Toilet.

What the holy hell?  What is a preferred toilet vs a non-preferred toilet?  So I'm a sucker and open the email.  Turns out the preferred toilet is insulated!

Well slap my ass and call me happy - GET ME ONE OF THOSE.  Insulation against Explosive Man noises - hallelujah - thank you Jesus.

I read further.  It's insulation against humidity.  Dammit.

Who the f*ck gives a damn about humidity when I got guys blowing their limbs off in there?

Tummy tuck talk and some serious sh*t…

Kristin asked me this and I thought I’d address it here since I know many of you are curious about future tummy tucks:

**Draz, I have a tummy tuck question. You've mentioned that you gained a little weight after the tuck - do you find that weight shows up in different places on your body now when you do gain? Does it not show up on your belly? Just curious.**

Yes, I definitely gained weight after the tummy tuck. A tummy tuck is MAJOR surgery and for me (and many others) it screwed up my metabolism and my lymphatic system and my mind and when you add to that the fact that I wasn’t cleared for exercise for 8 weeks….well I gained about 20 lbs without eating very different. Keep in mind probably half of that was swelling. I swelled for a good 1.5 years. If I ate high sodium foods like chips it was way worse – noticeably worse. If I was super active and overdid it – I swelled. It was torture but about 2 years out now my swelling is finally gone. I think most people only have swelling for about a year….I of course had it longer. Go figure.

Plus mentally a tummy tuck is difficult. You go through a period of regret, especially if you paid a lot of money for it and you have to learn patience like you’ve never known in your life to deal with the swelling. You have an image of what you want to look like after surgery and that just isn’t what happens right away for most and you have to make peace with that and hang on to your sanity. There’s quite a bit of pain involved and that also makes losing weight or working out impossible. After I was cleared to work out I ate well and worked out religiously – only to gain weight. Running and working out increased swelling for me – hence the weight gain – so it’s a catch 22 and very hard to deal with in your head. It’s a life-altering surgery in more ways than one and weight gain is very common – but also usually temporary. After a tummy tuck you feel an even bigger need to take care of your new body – since it cost you so much! LOL

About the weight going to other places….yes for sure. I read somewhere and have seen from the tummy tuck boards that once you have lipo (lipo was included in my TT – I had my flanks contoured and had a section that wasn’t as flat as my surgeon wanted it so she lipoed me after the TT too) fat will NOT redeposit there – it will go elsewhere. Now I have no idea if this is scientifically true but for me and all the other women it was. MANY women notice their butt and thighs get bigger after a tummy tuck and I have heard that is due to the swelling traveling down you body before it goes out of your body….it is temporary. When I gained those 20 lbs – it never went in my stomach – mostly my thighs and butt. My stomach remained flat and tight – it’s sewed that way. I think if I gained over 40lbs or something my stomach may start to pooch out but at 20lbs it did not. The same happens when I lose weight. I’ve lost 10 that I gained and my stomach hasn’t changed hardly. That 10 lbs came off everywhere but my stomach because again – my stomach doesn’t carry extra weight now. I think this is also why women who have babies AFTER tummy tucks say their stomach goes back to being pretty flat….when they are pregnant their weight gain goes to other places besides the stomach – so their stomach is all baby.

Does that make sense Kristin? Does it answer your question?

Now the other serious sh*t….me and my mouth had a party with a bag of gummy worms last night and today – I live in migraine city. I’d rather go through another 24 hours of labor with no pain meds than have a migraine so I don’t know why I can’t just give up and say it……….sugar is my migraine trigger. There – it’s out. After years of saying I had no trigger and after 65 migraines last year I have seen in 2010 since I went weeks without sugar that those weeks translated into weeks without migraines…so it’s pretty clear. And yet – me and the gummy worms got pretty intimate last night. I deserve this migraine. I do. But I would still like you all to feel sorry for me. Somehow it helps the pain. For realz – as Amy W would say.

Sooooo bring on the pain meds. I wanna live in comatose town and get the hell out of migraine city. Who wants to come along? Maybe we’ll go to “get a clue and learn a lesson dumbass” village after a while.

Does anyone wanna volunteer to follow me and my fat baby's ass around and shoot me with a paintball gun every time I reach for sugar?  Ugh.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Yes, I’m aware I just posted….but I have some questions and a story…and a list for Amy W.

Questions first:

Is it wrong that I want to throw Martha Stewart in front of a moving bus today?

Is it wrong that I have Hydroxy-cut sitting on my desk and I want to eat it like Pez?
(it’s a full bottle – bought forever ago and never had the guts to take it)

Is it wrong that my morning blog was huge and all you guys noticed was that a guy ate corn out of poop? You’re all sick…like a bunch of 9 year olds. You were supposed to tell me Accounting is the most exciting thing on Earth.

Now the story:
I forgot to tell you this story. You all know what a blow pop sucker is? The suckers with gum in the middle – the ultimate sucker! My 4 year old ate one having no idea there was gum in the middle. She got to the gum part and nearly had a stroke. She came running in yelling, “Mom – there’s gum in my sucker. Just for me. I’m so special.” She yelled “I’m so special” for about 5 minutes. She seriously thinks someone put gum in a sucker, just that one, just for her. If only we could all find that kind of joy in crap like that.

Now the list:

Miss Amy W asked me to post what I eat in a day since she thinks I’ve been successful in losing weight sans band. While the successful part is up for discussion – I thought I’d give in and do what she asked so I can use it as bribery to make her wear a bikini with me in Chicago. I’m doubtful this will help anyone because I know there are certain things lap-banders can’t eat that I can… breads and such….but here it is anyway….for Miss Amy.

I try to eat clean…meaning minimum sugar…and about every 3-4 hours. On a day when I follow the plan it would look like this:

Breakfast 8am
2 eggs – 140
Turkey sausage – 60

Lunch 11am
Chicken breast – 4oz – 120
Broccoli – 0 cals
Potato – 110
Cheese sauce – 100

Snack 2pm
18 pretzels – 100

Supper 5pm
I eat a Lean Cuisine for 400 cals


Wheat pasta w/ meat sauce for 400 cals


Tilapia and hashbrowns for 300 cals


The same thing I had for lunch for 330 cals

If I’m still hungry later I have air-popped popcorn

I work out anywhere from 30 mins to 60 mins and burn between 200 and 400 cals about 5x a week – always walking or running – I never change it.

If I eat a 400 cal supper I’m at about 1000 cals minus a 300 calorie workout so I end at about 700 a day.

I rarely change up my diet. I find if I eat more things, my taste buds figure out what they’ve been missing and it becomes a free for all. If I keep the menu the same, I know what I’m gonna get and I’m used to it and so is my body and I don’t crave more. Lately I haven’t been working out – and on those days – the goal is always to stay between 1000 – 1200 calories a day.

Not to exciting but it works for me……..IF I follow it.

Oh oh and I drink ½ can of Pepsi a day. Terrible for me but it’s my treat and I work it in my calories and it’s the sugar I get each day. I try to stay under 30g of sugar a day and by drinking ½ a can I can do that. Unless it’s Easter and pastel candies are running amuck. $%&@# Easter Bunny!

Corn poop, BFE and ego bruising.. (yah that's right...I said corn poop)....

Explosive Man isn’t here yet – so I have nothing to write about. I worry that some day EM might figure out it’s not normal to explode in a toilet 60 times a day and make noises a grizzly bear can’t even make – and he’ll go to the doctor and they’ll prescribe him a cork and I won’t have anything to write about anymore. What will I do then? Will you still follow me? It’s a fear of mine – I can’t help it.

Also – in this deviant brain of mine – not very nice thoughts circulate often. Like for example this morning – I had to screech on the brakes so a deer didn’t run into me. And let me just say – how dumb of a species do you have to be to run INTO a moving car? I mean even without a brain you have to know that running INTO something that is whizzing by at 60mph probably won’t end well right? Jesus. Okay – right after that – I was traveling on the BFE (Butt F*ck Egypt) backroads to my sitter’s house which is also like driving on a rollercoaster and a dude almost hit me head on driving on my side of the road.

Anyone want to guess my first reaction?

Anger you say? That’d be normal – so no – that wasn’t it.
Rage you say because my kids were in the car and he could have hurt them?
Laughter because on BFE roads we all drive on the wrong side thinking no one else would be dumb enough to be on this road too?
Relief that he didn’t hit me?

Nope. None of the above. I. Me. Selfish girl. Thought to myself. “I wish he would have hit me.”

We were only going 35-ish. I would have a few scrapes. My girls would have been fine. But I could have had the day off work and for a good solid two days I would have had someone take care of me. Can you imagine?

Who in their ever-loving mind wishes for a car accident? I was in my mind even thinking wow – I’d have to call the hubby at the prison – which is a big deal. He doesn’t work in the kind of place where you just call him to chat you know? I’m sick. Sick I tell you. And apparently tired and wanting a day off.

So now I get it – the deer is smart….and tired. He doesn’t want to die by running into my car. He just wants a day off with a few scrapes. I am the deer.

Did you hit the un-follow button yet? Drazil is psycho – we’ve been over this – you can’t really be shocked can you?

Moving on - in the fitness/diet arena I got a lovely little blaring reminder to get off my fat baby’s ass – and I better do it soon. I got the lab work reminder from my doctor’s office – in about a month. Oh shitaki. Sometimes I forget I’m not losing weight just cuz I’m vain and I want to look like Pamela Anderson (except I’d have brains too)….there are actually medical reasons. High blood pressure and high cholesterol. My highest weight was 226 and today I sit at 163. 63 pounds later and still medical crap going on. I hate hereditary. I hate BP meds even more. So onward and downward. When I had my tummy tuck I was 153 and I was suddenly fine – so another 10 pounds and I should be good. Does it matter that at 153 I want to walk around eating my own arm off? No. Apparently not. Suck it up pansy ass. Lose the 10 pounds.

Did I ever tell you guys that this year I meet my husband’s entire extended family for the FIRST time? Yup – been with him 20 years – never met about 90% of them. They live in BFE I mentioned above. It’s time though. And there’s a swimming pool involved. So the first time they meet me they will also get the benefit of seeing me in a bikini – all tattooed and belly button ringed up. Great. I wonder how many will pull my husband secretly aside and give him the whole “what the hell were you thinking when you married that?” talk. To say I’m nervous is the understatement of the year. So I’m thinking of getting another tattoo and buying a g-string bikini so the cheesecurds on my ass really show. If they’re gonna talk I might as well give them something to really talk about you know?

Anywhooozle – this is why I will be sporting a bikini in September. If I can do it in front of complete family strangers and father in laws and brother in laws who make me want to shart myself – well damn – I’m doing it with you girls who say you love me even when genetics aren’t involved. It’s a goal. I want to meet it. And I will. Never mind that I’ll be wearing a cover-up OVER the bikini….I think I forgot to mention that huh?

Anyone else set September goals?

Oh and a gigantic little bruise to my ego this weekend. My daughter announced it’s Parent Career Day in her class so parents are encouraged to come talk about what they do. I’m jealous of my husband. I told you I was psycho. This man has seen inmates smear feces on walls and pick corn out of it and eat it. No lie. True story. And I’m jealous????? Yes.

Can you imagine telling a bunch of 9 year olds that? Their eyes would be big as saucers and they’d probably hurl but oh they’d be intrigued wouldn’t they? Gang leaders, handcuffs, tear gas, weapons…..all major wow factors to 9 year olds.

Me? Oh yes – let’s sit and tell children about the sheer joy that comes from making a spreadsheet. Let’s tell the kids about how nearly orgasmic balancing payments to the penny is. Who needs gang leaders when you have Excel? And calculators and mechanical pencils. I mean they’ll be on the edge of their seats….nodding off, falling asleep and drooling with boredom. Your mom is an Accountant – and she kicks ass at it – but talking about it will only damage your brain so let’s not go there. Ego officially bruised. I will NOT be going to career day. I will not subject anyone to that. I love my job but come on – at 9 yrs old would you have wanted to listen to some woman tell you she has orgasms when 2+2 really equals 4 every time!? I think not.

I could tell them in my off time I’m a mom who cleans up puke and poop, farts gumdrops and sits in bathtubs eating chips and salsa while I get my whootananny smooth. Think they’d run from the room screaming? I don’t think I’d get invited back. 

They want to hear about corn poop. Or boogers.  9 year olds love to giggle about boogers.  Who doesn’t right?

I told you – my life revolves around poop. I wasn’t kidding.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Help a sister out.....FIONA!

Hey bloggies...

I just found a new blog (she's been following me and I just started following back) and she has a lap band and a great blog and could use everyone's support (especially you lap-banders)!  Hopefully she'll come to Chicago!  So head over there if you get a chance and tell her I sent ya!

She has the best name - I think of Shrek every time I see it!  It's Fiona!  Love that movie.

Welcome Fiona!

Here's the link.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥ ♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪ ♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Bursting bubbles and whootananny spas too.....

Just in case you all have these visions in your head of me being nice, thoughtful, compassionate or in general a good person....I thought I should post this....TO BURST YOUR FREAKING BUBBLE.

First off I told my husband he could not buy a turkey blind.  Duh. Ridiculous.  Who the hell uses family budget money for a tent to put in the woods so a turkey won't see you?  NOT US.

Five minutes later I ordered 2 shirts and 2 bikinis online for the Chicago trip.  Wow.  Can anyone spell hypocrite?  Oh and that's was five minutes after he told me he took the Chicago days off of work so he can stay home and watch our kids.  I swear to God he's the male version of Mary Poppins.  He swoops in on his umbrella leaving rainbows in his path....even as I try my hardest to suck the life out of him.

Okay and...a woman offered to wash all my windows for me yesterday.  For free.  I said no.

What I really meant is that my MOM offered to wash all my windows for me and that means there's always a cost.  I stood there - a grown 35 year old woman - and said with a serious face, "Dirty windows don't bother me, I don't stand around looking out my windows, when I don't have 3 jobs and little kids then I'll have clean windows but right now I have better things to do."

I said those exact words.  I'm not kidding.

I lied because she wasn't trying to help.  She hates my dirty windows because they reflect badly on how she taught me to be as a housewife.  So the fact that I don't drown daily with the list of things on my plate and of all the things I accomplish well - all she sees - are dirty windows.  Nice.

Oh and on the whootananny front...let me say I have figured it all out.  I'm just a slow learner.  I used the MSP (magic shave powder).  I was the only one in the house.  Things go much smoother that way (nice pun huh?).  You should have seen me.  I had a drink.  I had chips and salsa.  I had a book.  I had the radio on loud.  It was like I was in the most expensive spa in the world.  Pretty soon they'll make a reality show of my life - cuz it's so damn glamorous. 

At one point I forgot my book so I was walking around in the kitchen with MSP smeared all over me - feeling like the Queen of Sheba.  Can you imagine?  I caught a glimpse of myself - all tattooed up, naked with white crap smeared all over me - and I laughed out loud.  Good times.

I literally sat there and thought - oh my bloggie girls would be so proud of me.  I thought of turkey necks (Amy W), ass jingles (Gilly) and even China (BandBabe).  Again - little creepy that I'm all up in the whootananny and thinking of you all but it's impossible not to.  Live with it.  I've learned to.

Okay so there - I suckola.  You've been warned.  I am not this incredible gumdrop farting woman you thought I was.  But if you don't mind....can we just keep pretending I am?  It's just easier that way....for everyone involved. 

Plus if you don't do what I ask - I'll use my gerbil voodoo on you.  And trust me - you don't want that. 

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Friday, April 23, 2010

BYOC - Edition 5 (I think...right?)

It’s Bring Your Own Craziness day where we answer 5 questions we may not normally address in our blog as a way to get to know each other a bit better. Don’t forget that if you answer these questions – you get to take the “Ho-Bag Award” from the Mama Pimp on my side bar.

Enjoy! Happy Answering!

1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.

Hmmm…so many….like I would never want to be the woman doc who tells a guy to “turn his head and cough”…ack. Um how about a sewer septic service guy….mmmm. No – I digress – not very original – but I could never do what my husband does. He guards the worst of the worst prisoners in our State. He gets feces thrown at him, deals with men cutting themselves up, does intense strip searches and is threatened daily – literally by men who have raped 2 year old babies. I could not work with a person like that without wanting to torture him…and I don’t know how my husband does it. Gives me chills thinking about it.

2. What’s the best present you ever received for your birthday?

OMG – why do I pick such hard questions? I do not know – my husband never lets me down when it’s my day. As a kid in a poor family I never had a birthday cake from a store – you know with fancy writing and fancy roses and pretty colors and my name and all that….and I wanted one. When I turned Sweet 16 – my husband had a special cake made with my favorite colors and my name and Happy Sweet 16 written on it. It was “sweet” indeed.

3. This is from Amy W. (I had a request to copy her question and ask it today in BYOC) (Hope that’s okay Amy!)

What do you hide behind?

I know this question scares the crap out of a lot of people as you find your way through this journey BUT I hope you can look at it in another way. I know you’re scared you’ll lose your identity, the person you are now and you’re scared you won’t like the person who comes out from behind the weight. I understand. I went through that. Ask Jenny – I’ve always said the mental part of losing weight is way harder than the physical and I meant it. BUT what I’ve learned is this. The “fat” me – wasn’t really me. This me – the person close to goal – is me and has always been a part of me. I didn’t make a completely new me….I just came out more as the weight came off. What if girls – you end up liking you thin more than you did overweight? I know some of you love who you are now – but imagine – the feeling of liking yourself intensified? It happens.

There are two sides to this fear – fear of not knowing and not liking who you may become when you are thinner and have no weight to hide behind BUT there’s a second part of this that could turn out just the opposite. The new you could be better, healthier, happier, even more funny, gather even more friends…it could be the real you and you’ll be amazing.

Yes – it’s a difficult road – old habits die hard. Four years into my journey and I can still find myself shopping in the plus size section out of habit. But the new me is strong enough to walk out of that department and know I earned that and know the person in the plus size department was never really me anyway. If you love you now – overweight – why is it so far-fetched to think you will love yourself even more when you are healthy and thinner? The essence of you doesn’t change – I promise – it only shines brighter.

I see it in Jenny. I literally thought she was perfect before and even she will tell you she was happy. Her journey has been hard – mentally and physically – and she’s finding her inner self more every day – but the Jenny I knew isn’t gone, I didn’t lose her. She’s no less funny, no less amazing, no less Jenny. She is more though. She is healthier. She is more amazing. She is more full of pride. She is more of herself. She is more funny because she laughs even more. She is more Jenny – more mother, more wife, more friend…..

Anyway – for me – the answer is – I hid behind my title of being mother, wife, and everything to everyone. I was the martyr, holier than thou, run myself ragged, put myself at the bottom of the list, the Saint - girl. How on Earth could anyone expect me to be healthy and take care of me when I was busy saving the world – that no one asked me to save by the way? I had to pull myself off the pedestal I put myself on – get down – and get to work. Being so many things to so many was my excuse for never being anything to myself. No one ever told me I couldn’t have me time, or that I wasn’t allowed to get healthy or exercise. I told myself that….and it became my mantra. I don’t have time for me…..because you all need me so much. My ego at its best. Turns out I could work out an hour a day and eat healthy – and everyone around me survived – prospered actually. Who knew?

4. Where were you born?

5. A little twist on this one..usually we ask – what blog spoke to you the most, stuck with you, had the most effect on you this week? This week I’m adding to that which comment may have affected you greatly? Sometimes a blog can lead to amazing comments and they deserve their own claim to fame here in this question.

Hands down for me - I pick two blogs – Carmen (I’m with the band) and Diz (Death by Calories). Carmen is a lap-bander I follow and she’s making some HUGE moves in her life and her courage astounds me and I’m super proud of her for reaching out and realizing she is worthy of the absolute best. Diz is a non-lap-bander I follow who talked about being too hard on herself this week and I’m guilty of that too so it struck a chord with me. I love them both!

Oh and my Band Babe - she's a tummy-tucker just like me now...except she's skinnier than I hate her.  LOL  Smooches BB!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Cheeseburger Girl needs our support....

Hey all - real quick...I was just reading a blog and wanted you all to check it out and offer support if you could....she's being banded in 11 days!!!!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

*Save Big Money at Menards* doubt it.....

Anyone wanna know the best way to start out a Thursday after an especially shitabulous craptastic week? NO - Band-Babe – it has nothing to do with China!

It’s a chat with your bestie. I just talked to Jenny and proceeded to giggle about nothing in particular, mapped out a Jenny-Drazil 5k event, made more Chicago plans, discussed extended family idiots members, talked about the scale, and even went over the day’s upcoming events. Um – did I mention we talk fast? Cuz yah – we do. The whole convo was only 12 minutes. All the world problems solved – 12 minutes flat. We’re kinda like Superheros – cuz we wanna be like ass jingly Gilly. (Gilly – if I get an ass jingle will you teach me some moves in Chicago?)

Last night we went to Menards. I love that store. I hate the cash registers. What is the point of those stupid things? Every time something rings up I swear to God instead of item description it says “HA – and you thought this was going to be cheap!” or “HA – you miscalculated by a LOT huh?” or “Are you willing to go get a 4th job IDIOT?”

You all know I’m OCD and the spreadsheets I have – well – they’d put the biggest nerd on Earth to shame.

I’m not kidding – I have my budget done out to December 2010.

So when we decide to do a home improvement project – out come the spreadsheets and calculators and estimates. And Jesus Frick – how long will I be alive before I figure out I am a naïve woman who has NO IDEA the cost of construction and labor and materials? I’m usually off by at least 1/3 of the actual cost and therefore go into convulsions at the Menards cash register. I even slapped that damn thing last night. The poor little girl at the register was scared. I knew she wanted to call security but I threatened to hit her over the head with one of my 50 effing 2x4s.

It all ended fine. Menards sells candy. Problem solved. Temper tantrum not needed. Husband at one point actually grabbed my hand and said, “Are you alright?” I think I turned white and pooped my pants for a millisecond when I saw the number….but I had candy…clenched tight in my little hand. All was well.

I pushed my shopping cart out the door, eating said candy….holding my ass and yelling “I just took it in the shorts and you will too if you go in there.” *♪ Save Big Money at Menards ♪* – my ass. Whoever thought of that jingle should have to wear panty hose and high heels and a mega sized tampon in their ear while they fold laundry for 24 hours….cuz I know it was a man. Peckerhead.

I am mad at Band-Babe. She had a tummy tuck and is at work all flitting her skinny ass about (probably even has on her hot red “panties” over her binder)….talking about going to China for a visit. I tried to scare the hell out of all of you regarding tummy tucks cuz mine sucked a fat baby’s ass and she’s all “Woohoo – this feels like a mosquito bite and that’s about it.” I may accidentally have to kick her in the ribs in Chicago just to feel better about myself.

(Um I’m kidding – Band-Babe is my love muffin and I love her – which is why it’s totally appropriate for me to talk about kicking her in the ribs. ♥ U BB)

Oh and in case any of you haven’t noticed – there are only 8 days left in this month. Let’s throw a “Drazil hasn’t done a damn thing in the eating and exercise department” party! You wanna? It could be fun! Sheniqua is excited…she added a pound to herself and thinks she’s back on her way to 226 when she lived in paradise. She’s stupid – I’m never going back there but this month – exercise just ain’t my thing. I’m outta time. My 2nd and 3rd jobs are occupying my life and exercise is on the back burner.

And it’s lame-o. Remember the competition I entered at work? Lose 5% of your body weight. Well the scale where everyone weighs is by the bathroom so I hear everyone go in there and then hear them say, “WAY TO GO – you lost xxx pounds from last week – keep it up – blah blah blah”. I’ve been shooting spitballs at every one of them when they walk past. Whatever – it’s early – of course you’re losing weight – you’re all in the gung ho stage. Wait until June when you’re dying for a cheeseburger and I’m kicking your ass then!

Did I mention I’m evil and cannot find it in my dark soul to be happy for others who are kicking my ass in competition? Sooo yah – I won’t meet my April goals but whatever. I can still rock a leopard bikini like noboby’s business (sort of). So there. Take that and go to Menards – they can stick it in your ass – cuz they’re pros at doing that to people.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I found out who dresses Explosive Man. Remember a while back when EM showed up to work in Spandex with the unit all prettily encased for my eyes to feast upon and his deer hunter orange shirt to match and I wondered who dressed him. Well I figured it out. It’s my 4 year old. She’s in that whole “I can dress myself” stage so I’m pretty much not allowed to help or even give my fashionista opinion. It nearly kills me to let her do it with my OCD and all but I chant to myself, “pick your battles, pick your battles, pick your battles” and I make it through without vomiting – most days.

Today she walked out in – camo capris, a teal t-shirt with Jasmine plastered on the front of it, pink crocs with Disney princesses on them AND Christmas socks…striped green, red and white…..and folks – they LIGHT UP – they BLINK. And since she’s wearing capris – you can see all of them – blinking away at you, taunting her OCD mother. And then on top of that she put on a raincoat. She wins the award for most textures and patterns and lights in one outfit – hands down.

Okay now….you do realize anyone who sees this kid is going to think she’s “special” as Amy W. puts it? Which is fine – she is special – to me. And obviously she spends a good part of her day in Care Bear Land just like her mommy. It doesn’t help that she keeps yelling, “WOW - THAT’S A LOW PRICE” everywhere she goes. Have you seen that Staples commercial where the whole thing is a guy yelling “Wow – that’s a low price.”? Yup – she loves it. I kissed her goodnight last night and said I loved her and she looked at me and screamed, “WOW - THAT’S A LOW PRICE.” Jesus. My kid found the bottle of crazy pills and overdosed on them.

That’s it from my tiny little brain today. I have the “day after migraine” fog going on and now know the definition of strung out – but legally I guess. I’d like to crawl in a hole for one more day but someone has got to bring home the bacon because let’s be honest…..home ain’t nothing without bacon. Right Gilly?

Oh and secrets. I keep thinking about how much of my life I hide from people. And not even this blog. Just in general and I wonder if that’s another weird quirk of mine or a serious flaw or something everyone does. Like for example – no one in my personal family knows I got a tummy tuck – yet everyone I work with does. No one in my life except Jenny and my husband know I blog. When I go to Chicago – no one will know why. They’ll simply know I’m taking a trip with my BFF. I have a health issue that nearly killed me that only a handful of people know about. I write poetry – very few know this. You get the idea. I tell a myriad of people different things but never tell everyone everything….except Jenny and the husband. Sometimes I feel like I’m not being me, not being true to me by hiding parts of me but I have my reasons and I don’t trust everyone. Just something I’ve been thinking about since I realized this Chicago trip is a huge part of my life but very few will really know why.

I’m an odd duck….which we pretty much established way back when but I’m just reiterating for my new followers – so they can still run while it’s early for them.

Speaking of followers (um okay apparently I had more in my tiny brain than I thought)….I did the unthinkable. I UN-followed a few people. And holy cripes I felt horrible about it – like I should send them an email and explain that it wasn’t personal but that they never post and blah blah blah. Do you guys un-follow people all the time or once in a while or never? I was almost having a panic attack over hitting the UN-follow button!

Alright – that’s it – peace out homies! Mama Pimp loves you all….

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Well slap my fat baby's ass and call me crabby x2...

I usually only allow myself one day of crabby-ness.  Life is too short for more than one day of that right?  BUT....this is my day a nutshell.  I know you're all gonna be we go.

I wake up thinking " that a migraine I feel?"  Nope - moving on, gotta get ready.  Now anyone who suffers from migraines knows that if you think you feel one - you have one.  DUH.  Idiot blunder #1 - before 6:30am. 

I get ready.  All is well.  I decide to put on a brave face and put on a pair of khakis I like.  Tight khakis.  Tight enough so that when I get home tonight the letters on the tag will be imprinted in my skin like a tattoo.  I cannot breathe but I figure eh - what's the big deal about breathing anyway when my ass looks this fine?  I'm not kidding - these pants are so tight I have to waddle like a turtle kinda because bending at the legs is difficult.  Sick I know - but did I mention my ass looking good?  And holy muffin top - the Pillsbury doughboy would be jealous.  Wowser.  But whatever - I made it out the door without passing out from lack of oxygen.

The whole time my head is screaming "IDIOT - TAKE A PAIN PILL - YOU HAVE A MIGRAINE."

I like to live on the edge, you know, in Care Bear Land - not reality land by any means - so I press on ignoring all voices of sanity in my head.  Yes, there are voices in my head in addition to Drazil and the crap he spews all day long.

I take my daughter to the sitters.  I'm on my way - today is going to be fine.  I look down at my wrapped sausages thighs and there are two tiny black footprints on said thighs from said daughter.  NICE.  I haven't even made it to work and I'm effing dirty.  JESUS FRICK.

I get to work and clean my pants - two huge wet spots on my thighs now so that people are drawn to how tight my pants are.  Apparently this is not my day to catch a break. 

It's not even 9am now....I am heading back home.  Full blown migraine.  Nauseous, dizzy - want to murder every single person that breathes in my air space.  Mostly cuz I'm jealous they have pants on that allow them to breathe.

Fast forward to 3pm and I'm finally awake.  I slept an entire day away.  So now I'm pissed.  At the world...though I'm completely aware it's my fault.  Let's forget that little detail.

I wake up and husband does the whole ass check thing again.  Says, "are you wearing a thong" NO azzhole I was in bed all day and he says - dead serious - "how do you expect to get anywhere in life if you're not wearing a thong?"  Simple, simple man.  If that's all it took - women would be ruling the world by now huh?

I forgive him.  I went outside and realized he spent the whole day roaming the countryside finding and bringing home HUGE pieces of driftwood for my gardens.  How I love this man.  He gives me wood without my even perverts.

Smooches all - Wednesday has got to be better right?

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Monday, April 19, 2010

Hello. My Name is Crabby.

I’ve tried to fart a gumdrop all day….I put my all into it…even gave it a little grunt. And nothing.

So call me Grumpy Care Bear, Grumpy Smurf or simply Bitch of the Day will work. Honest to God – who invented Mondays? Who was it? Probably the same sadistic bastard that invented high heels and pantyhose. Jesus.

I have no reason to be grumpy except that I can’t make a vendor see they are wrong and I am right and it’s driving me insane. The last thing the little twit said to me was “call our customer service”. I said NOPE – I’m done wasting my time with you – tomorrow I switch carriers….yup little Miss suck even more life out of my shitabulous craptastic Monday – you just lost your little business $18,000 a year I used to hand over to you. Can you say stupid? Apparently – she doesn’t know it yet – but her Monday sucks worse than mine.

And this bathroom exploding thing. You know – on a good day – it’s damn funny. I can laugh about it – time him while he’s in there – try to expect the explosive noises and blog about it. Today – on a Monday – it ain’t funny. I literally want to run in there and yell, “CAN’T YOU DO THIS SHIT (LITERALLY) AT HOME LIKE THE REST OF US? WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN MAN?” right before I kick him on the bare shin because his pants are around his ankles. Nice visual huh?

Today though I hit new low – even the peeing is pissing me off. (Better to be pissed off than pissed on I guess right?)

But no – I was by the copier – which is by the bathroom and it is occupied as usual and I hear the peeing. It sounds like an elephant is standing on a cliff peeing into a Tupperware bowl below – it’s that loud.

I do not want to HEAR anyone pee – or any bodily functions – beyond the gas my husband exudes nightly. And then my mind goes nuts – OMG – he’s in there, holding his penis, peeing, in the toilet my hot tanned butt sits on, and he’s not going to wash and he’s going to come out and bump into me with his penis-laden hands. I can’t take it. I can’t.

And you should see Drazil - his little head is spinning around so fast it's not even funny.  Drazil cannot tolerate bodily functions.  He can't understand it....cuz his poo is's like baby green gumdrops.  (See - Mondays drive me to this - talking about lizard poop.)

Some day I’m going to open my own business.

Number one requirement for any male to be hired. He must have a catheter and colostomy poop bag.

The end.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The Child in Me vs. The Woman in Me....

The real reason I got out my poetry was Grandmother died of cancer years ago in April.  Here's one for her...

As I stand before you, focusing & listening to you repeating the doctors ugly words...
The child in me wants to run away, desperately praying it's all a lie.
The woman in me knows it's the truth & part of me simply wants to die.

You repeat the diagnosis for those of us who didn't believe it the first time...
The child in me didn't hear you again for I know no such disease.
The woman in me knows this is a death sentence and falls to my knees.

Weeks go by and you slowly falter.  Cancer has indeed taken over....
The child in me refuses to see your paleness and frailty - for it simply isn't there.
The woman in me wonders how will I do this?  Will it become to much for me to bear?

Now it's been months - you no longer walk, eat or even open your eyes...
The child in me won't go near you - I can't even begin to understand.
The woman in me medicates you, goes through the motions and I sit and hold your hand.

In a few days they tell us you will die and this time we have to believe them...
The child in me begins to believe in angels and prays there is a heaven.
The woman in me believes this is the most painful battle I'll ever be in.

Your life has ended - turns out they were right...nothing can change that now...
The child in me attends a funeral and a wake, wondering what all these ceremonies are for?
The woman in me can't sleep or eat - cancer & your death have shaken me to the very core.

Now we must go through your things and pretend to everyone we're really okay...
The child in me IS okay for I can see you with God..I even watched him fit you for your halo.
The woman in me knows I need to listen to the child in me or I'll never be able to let you go.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Were you there?

I found this today.....and I'm sharing it.  I have a brother who wasn't what we needed him to be during the flood my parents withstood....and one day I was angry...and wrote this.

** side note - my mom was HOME when the flood hit **

Were you there?

When the torrential rains came and the creek overflowed?
When the floors buckled and her fear of water really showed?
Were you there?

When she screamed at the water that stood 20 feet high?
When she thought she'd drown and knew she'd surely die?
Were you there?

When no one came and she had no phone?
When she screamed out the window and felt so alone?
Were you there?

When the fireman came just like in a movie or even a dream?
When she looked back and all she could do was let out a scream?
Were you there?

When I had to call our dad and tell him mom is now okay?
I heard him fall to his knees because he hadn't lost her that day.
Were you there?

When I had to call our brother and say, "Are you sitting down?"
And when I had to call our sister and hear her gasp as the phone hit the ground?
Were you there?

When I took our dad home and saw him again fall to his knees?
When I held on to our mom as I felt my own buckle beneath me?
Were you there?

When I found our mother in her kitchen sobbing like a baby?
And I had to say we'll find a reason for this some day - maybe.
Were you there?

When strangers wrapped up our whole lives and all our memories?
When our house was cleared in 24 hours with what seemed the greatest of ease?
Were you there?

When I took our parents in and I had nowhere for them to sleep?
When we were all exhausted from maneuvering in mud 6 inches deep?
Were you there?

When we worked for 18 hours straight between anger and tears?
When we said goodbye to a house we had called home for 25 years?
Were you there?

When our parents were forced to live in a garage with no shower?
When mom cried in my arms for what seemed like the 12th hour?
Were you there?

Through the meetings and phone calls and endless paperwork and BS.
Through the moving again when the FEMA guys finally said yes.
Were you there?

When we put every muddy dish away realizing all that we had lost?
When we were grateful through it all that no one paid the ultimate cost?
Were you there?

When we painted new walls and made a new home and a new comfy bed?
When I finally slept at night knowing Dad could finally rest his weary head?
Were you there?

When it was all beginning and we never thought we'd be the same?
When we became celebrities in this town but didn't want that fame?
Were you there?

When people stopped me on the street to cry and hold me tight?
When I couldn't sleep because the nightmares always came at night?
Were you there?

And now that it's over and our lives are still intact.
You're still not here and my dear brother - you can never go back.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Saturday, April 17, 2010

It has occurred to me....

...that I don't write much about my life here.  I only write what I "feel".  I mean all of you post the coolest things about dogs and cats, your jobs, what you do each weekend, your relatives, where you went, what you did, etc. 

Me??  Hhmmm....well I am only obsessed with exploding men, entire conversations about "the gas" that I memorize so I can tell you in the morning, poop and puke patrol with my kids, Martha Stewart and her need to bathe in perfume before she knits napkins to match her underwear, whootanannies and turkey necks and sex and how everyone is feeling about it...and whores of course. 

Um - when did my life become this?  This blog?

Soooo I am a little afraid...I get to Chicago and I meet all of you and you're gonna see - I am very BORING.  I get up, go to work, blog, come home, work out, work more, sleep.  The end. 

Wow.   Just wow.

Earth-shattering huh?

Oh and once in a while I fart gumdrops.  Oh oh and in my head I live in Care Bear Land remember?  That's good right?

Where the hell am I going with this?  Jesus I don't know - I'm just typing.  I'm trying to tell you I am mundane, boring - average at best.  When you meet me in Chicago if I hear any of you go back to your room and whisper, "That Drazil is a crock.  I didn't see her fart a gumdrop once.  And the only thing funny about her is her looks." - then I shall use my gerbil voodoo (I forgot about that cool thing I have that I posted a while ago about) and sneak into your room and let Explosive Man in wearing his Spandex and lead him straight to your bathroom.  It's scary enough hearing him when you're awake - but can you imagine being awakened by that sound?  I'm not kidding - I'll do it.  And Jenny has Chuck Norris Jr in her purse too so don't forget that.

I want you to know what I did today to prove to you I am lame so I'm going to share.  I think someone told me that was a nice thing to do in kindergarten once.  This is how boring I you're not shocked when you meet me.

7am - I am sleeping - little girl #2 comes in and asks me to get up.  I say no.  Get out.
7:30am - I am re-sleeping - little girl #1 comes in and says she's up now and can I get up now?  I say no.  Get out.
8 am - I am re-re-sleeping - little girls 1 and 2 come in using the tag team approach.  Mom - we are hungry.  Yes I know - I'm getting up.
8:30am - I am comatose.  Again two girls - pleading - they are dying of starvation - can they have a cookie? 
Yes.  Have two.  Smother peanut butter on them so you get protein.  Eat the whole bag - see if I care.
(Mother of the year right here folks.)
9am - I am re-comatose.  I hear noises.  Loud ones.  I pretend I didn't hear it.  Girl #1 comes in - um Mom I ripped down the shades when I tried to open them.  Craptastic.  Get out.
9:01am - Girl #2 comes in carrying ruined shade in pieces.  See what Girl #1 did - you should punish her Mom.  Shitabulous.
9:30am - OMG - I'm up for shit's sake.  Can't a mom get some sleep?

Now no one wants a real normal breakfast because they ate all the cookies.  Fine.  I will just eat a Swiss Cake Roll.  Little Debbie is a bitch.  I hate her and her swiss cake rolls.  I'd like to poke forks in her eyes.

By 11:30am I have successfully painted the entire backsplash in the kitchen.  Two coats.  With sealer.  My kids are still alive even with the noxious fumes.  I am proud of me.  Painting a backsplash is such a wife/mom thing to do.  Very exciting no?  Never mind it was lunch time.  I cannot stop painting.  Here - take these pringles outside.  My kids think they live in paradise.  Cookies and pringles - all before noon.  Told you I was mother of the year.

Hubby is home now - I'm still in pajamas, no make-up, no teeth brushing, no hair done, no shower - paint splatters all over me....and he can't stop talking about "dessert"....before he realizes the neighbor kids are in the room.  Great - not only are our kids scarred for life and will live with us until they're 90 because of it but now the neighbor kids are going to sue us for what they just saw and heard.  They've been violated.  Well - join the club I guess.

That is it.  Husband is mowing lawn.  Naked.  No I'm kidding.  I was trying to add excitement in you know?

Tonight we will eat burgers.  On buns cuz we're feeling sassy.  We might even use ketchup. 

Around here it's a party all the time.

The end.

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Friday, April 16, 2010

I am sceerrrred.....about B.O.O.B.S....

Not like the boogie man just came out from behind the door scared...but anxious like how long can I hold this fart in without making a face scared.

First of all - I'm super stoked about this Chicago trip but it's new to me.  I do not travel (only to Jenny's house), I have never flown, and I rarely leave home.  I'm not a social butterfly - I have major social "getting there" know "want to back out, don't want to go, make up fake excuses" BEFORE I ever get there anxiety but I'm always the girl who gets there and has the time of her life.  It's the getting there part that I have a problem with. 

This time I don't even feel too much of that.  I want to have a road trip with my bestie and meet all of you so badly - I'm facing it head on.

So what am I scared about?

HOLY SHIT - I think I'm the only one going without a band.

Do you know what that means?

1. I have to pretend I'm not hungry - when really I'd like to chew my own arm off.
2.  I have to hide food everywhere - pockets, my purse, my bra - and go to the bathroom "to pee" often so I can take sneaky bites lest my blood sugar plummets and Drazil passes out on the floor
3.  I have to have a food budget while you all can pack 3 days worth of food in a sandwich sized ziplock.
4.  I have to pretend not to hate everyone of you.
5.  I have to make sure that I tell God I was kidding when I asked him to blow up all of your lap bands so you'd eat like me for just a few hours.
6.  I probably have to use the hotel gym or my gain will likely be 10 lbs in these three days - while you all sleep in.
7.  I have to get drunk for the first time so I can throw up just so I can feel like I'm a PB'er too so I can belong.
8.  I cannot fart and blame it on gas from the band.  I must own my farts.  No problem - they smell like gumdrops remember?

I'm sure there's more - this is just on my mind right now.

Seriously - someone find someone to come to Chicago with no lap band so I can latch on to them and binge with them.  It's totally normal I feel this way right?  Right?

And lappers - I'm kidding - I love you all...right down to your lap bands!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Edition 4 of BYOC – Bring Your Own Craziness!


1. If you ever won the lottery – what’s the very first thing you’d do?

** I’d love to be all Mother Teresa here but the FIRST thing I’d do is pay my house off. THEN I’d go all saintly and be a giving freak to probably anyone who asked and be broke in about two days.

2. What is your favorite curse word? (This one is from Joey)

** Now I know some of you may not curse so skip this one if that’s the case. I, for one, am a curser. Not all the time, not like a sailor – actually only when I’m angry or passionate about something. Certain words give certain feelings a little more oomph I think. But some people hate swearing – my mother says it’s unprofessional and not feminine and I get that too. But sometimes it is who I am at the moment. So MY fave is the big one – the big ‘ol “F word”. I’ve never even typed the whole thing out in my blog. Dinnerland and others do it and I love it cuz it takes hairy balls of steel that I’m working on attaining…..but I haven’t done it yet. I’m a lily-livered chicken butt.

3. What is your favorite holiday and why?

** 4th of July for me. It’s usually HOT here which I love and people are all patriotic and holding hands as a nation and singing Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American” at the top of their lungs. My kids look up to the sky and wonder at the fireworks. Sparklers abound.

I used to hate this holiday – my Uncle who killed himself did so on July 3rd (no one heard the shot – it was fireworks season – he was merely 25 ft away from a bar filled with people)….but now – nope – this is my pick.

4. What turns you on? (another suggestion from Joey)

** Yah – you’re a bunch of whores so I had to appeal to that side of you and put this out there. Though I am afraid of your answers considering last week’s innocent dinner with a celebrity question.

For me – it’s my man in his BDU’s or his riot gear. I have no idea what that stands for but it’s like SWAT team attire. All black, tall black combat boots, black shirt, black bullet proof vest, weapon, tear gas, handcuffs, baton, shield, helmet. After a day of training for the riot squad at the prison, my hubby will come home minus the weapons but all dressed up in black and it makes me proud. He’s often the lead man on a cell entry which means he’s yelling commands and in control of the situation and protecting his guys and there’s something ultimately manly and powerful in that to me. In the same respect – that clothing also reiterates to me the danger he is constantly in so it can be scary but mostly pride….and a major turn on. I’m not allowed to touch him in that stuff usually anyway because of the gases still on him. But still – a girl can dream right?

5. Whose blog spoke to you, stayed with you, meant the most to you, stands out to you this week and why?

** This one is easy for me. Vlog – is of course – Amy W. Blog – is of course – the BOOBs blog! Or B(.)(.)Bs blog – lol! Seriously – this Chicago trip is happening and more than once it’s made me want to cry. We’re easily gonna hit 20 people and probably many more. We have a whole team working on logos, t-shirts, free goodies, hotels, etc…and all while trying to keep everything cost efficient and fulfilling for everyone. I’m SUPER excited to meet all of you – though my hidden identity will be outed! You’re all gonna have to keep my secret!!  (If any of you reading this want to meet up with us hop over to the BOOBS blog - everyone is invited - spread the word!  Even if you can't make this trip - there will be others planned.)

~~ Side note – Girl Bandit asked how I met my best friend Jenny over at Jen’s Lap Band Journey. She wanted to know “our story”. It’s so fun that we have a story isn’t it?

I met Jenny *I think* (correct me if I’m wrong Jenny) around the 8th grade time period. A good friend of mine moved to Illinois. I would still go and visit that friend and when I was there – I met her new best friend – Jenny. I loved Jenny even back then – she was gorgeous and boys seemed to be falling all over her and mostly I was jealous of her. In my head – she had it all….and I was happy my friend had found her. So on and off through the years we would meet up periodically – through our mutual friend. We were even in that mutual friend’s wedding together. I saw her at that wedding and then didn’t see her for another 6 years I think. I always wondered how she was – but the mutual friend and I had grown apart – so I lost my contact to Jenny. Until Facebook. I found my mutual friend again and then found Jenny. Jenny and that friend were BFFs again and I was happy for them because at the time I had my own BFF. Truth is – neither of us really had anything – and both those relationships ended around the same time and Jenny and I got through that pain with each other and one day kinda looked up and realized – THIS was it. WE were best friends – real best friends…the kind you wait your whole life for….and we never looked back. Our BFF anniversary was a little over a year ago but I’ve technically known her most of my life. Who knew this would be how it would end up? And that is the story of us!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Desperation and hives gone. Plain old craziness has reappeared.

It’s a list-y kind of day – yippee!

1 – Um yah – last night's post proved I'm crazy.  I'm okay with that.  You were bound to find out some time.  You all think I was kidding about the 199 follower number driving me nuts. I don’t think I was. I wish I was but it was stuck there soooo long it was taunting me. Actually Drazil was being an ass…and then there was the un-follower who played with my mind. Draz kept saying to me, “No one really likes you, these follower numbers are a lie, no one reads this, you’ll never get more followers than this ugly number 199, why do you care you shallow human being and on and on.” And I listened to Drazil, panicked and then enlisted your help with a post I’m not real proud of. Seriously who begs for followers for no good reason – um – yah – me – selfish me. There’s a few people who commented on that post and said they need more followers so if you’re so inclined – check them out and follow! God knows I owe them!

2 – Regarding our little September trip – holy shit can you say EXCITED? I haven’t had something this big to look forward to since God knows when. I can’t imagine meeting you and the planning team is cooking up some really cool stuff for us all. We are actually a legit group if I do say so myself – lol. I wonder about t-shirts with BOOBS splashed across them but it’s all part of our perverted charm huh? It’s better than my idea of BYOCC – Bring Your Own Craziness Crew. Boobs is so like this secret group – you can’t get in – unless you have ‘em. LOVE it.

3 – I think it was Steph who said we should all get waxed that weekend in the nether regions cuz she can’t do it alone and needs encouragement and then another person thought she meant all of us go in together – like in the same room. I was dying laughing because I had sent Jenny an email long ago saying when we get to goal we were doing it together and taking pics. Jenny thought I meant in the same room, pics of the whootananny – and I nearly died. I meant pics of us going in the door – laughing and out the door – crying in pain. Too funny. Can you imagine the salon’s faces when say 30 or so of us with hairy trolls showed up and formed a line to the waxer woman? With cameras?

4 – New mystery at work. Explosive Man is not at work lately. Remember how I figured out he is the toiler-lid-leaver-upper? Well he is. BUT – so is someone else. THERE ARE TWO OF THEM. I cannot figure out the culprit. I’m about to install cameras….ewww….no better not. I go in there to pee and I slam that sucker down so everyone hears it and then I pee all over it just to piss them off.

5 – Accountability paragraph. I’m so going to make my goals. I had a rough start – pastel Easter candy kicked my arse for a week but no more. I’m at 7 days of 14 for workouts, 19.5 miles out 60 goal, 2242 cals out of 7000 goal, and 5.7 hours out of 15 goal. I will do this. I have no doubt.

6 – Where I live there is this place – with 265 steps – outside. Every year – once a week we climb it with a bunch of people at work. Last year my record was 12 times in a row which is 6360 steps. It’s time to start that again but I’m scared I don’t have the stamina. I’d like to beat my record and do 13 – 6890 steps - but wow. Think I can do it? Please lie and say yes even if you think I can’t. Thank you.

7 – I told hubby last night that I told every one of you about his “gas”. I told him that Amy W said that Tracey has been encouraged to find an ER in case something actually died up his rear. I told him that LDswims has had to hang her head out a car window like a dog. I told him Gilly makes her hubby sleep on the couch (and of course warned him I could do the same). I told him Larissa has had to eat her hubby’s farts. I told him Bella’s man keeps them in for 5 years…or it smells like it anyway. I told him Carmen actually gets dry heaves.

He laughed – so hard I thought he might die. Like now he’s famous – and his head swelled with pride. I’ve created a monster.

He said, “Man you gotta admit that was so good I should have bottled it and put it on a shelf. No bowling or hunting trophies for me. Nope – when people come over I’m gonna show them that bottle and say, “that’s the stank that knocked my wife out with one whiff.” I rock.”

WHAT – did you just say that out loud? Are we seriously having a meaningful conversation about your ass emissions? THIS has become my life.

He proceeded to say, “I was only purging my temple.” Like if he makes it about his health I’ll let it slide. I love that man so much I hate him. LOL

8 – For our September trip I am buying a hot new dress – one I’d never wear anywhere around here cuz if I did every person in this small town would immediately think I am having a mid-life crisis and start a rumor that I’m banging a 19 year old stripper. It’s kinda hoochie-like but in Chicago with the rest of you whores hotties I’ll fit right in. And yes Band Babe – I plan to buy hot pink “panties” to go under it and if you’re lucky I’ll tell you where I bought them.

Peace out ho-bags….me love you long time!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I'm serious - I just talked to Diz about this....I don't watch my followers number like super closely but the last few days it's just been killing me. 

Why you ask?  Cuz I'm OCD & anal & bass-ackwards about some things and I honest to God HATE odd numbers and of all the odd numbers I hate 9 the worst.

Do you know how many followers I've had for the last few days???  199.  I nearly started hyperventilating the first time I saw it. 

Calm down Draz - it's going to be alright - someone new will find you and you'll be even again.  So then what happened?

Someone unfollowed me.  Normally I'd go sulk in a corner and wonder if it was the whootananny talk or the Explosive Man talk or "the gas" - cuz let's face it - not everyone can handle "the gas"....I nearly died myself remember? 

But that day I got unfollowed I was ELATED cuz it meant my number was NOT 199 - it was 198 - even and just one nine.  I could breathe.  The hives went away.

Now the next few days - freaking 199.  I'm cursed - it's scaring the hell out of me and I swear it's highlighted and bolded and flashing at me every time I log in.  Really truly.  (Okay maybe not.)

So please someone find me a victim follower - just one - I beg you.  Even if you have to make up a fake one - and call yourself Frank or Explosive Man or Martha Stewart or hell Turkey Neck - just do it - before my head starts spinning and my whootananny breaks out in boils. 

Okay - whew - I'm done.  The end. 

AND YES PEOPLE I REALIZE I NEED TO GET A LIFE.  To say this blog has become my life - well - it's a little like saying Sheniqua's ass isn't too big for her pants.  (Um, cuz it is.  You should see that thing.)

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣

Questions for the lap-banders and non-lap-banders alike.....

Someone asked me a tummy tuck question yesterday and it got me thinking about questions and observations for all of you that I realized I’m curious about. I have no idea why but I just think it’s interesting and I guess I get to know my followers even more which I love. Bear with me while I get you to my questions.

Okay - this started when someone posed this question to me -- “Did you have your tummy tuck before or after you had kids?”

Now to some of you I’m sure you’re thinking – DUH – why on earth would you have it BEFORE you had kids! But – the truth is many people do. When I was heavily involved in tummy tuck message boards there many many women who had lost massive amounts of weight and needed a tummy tuck – yet many were under the age of 30 or single and knew some day they may have kids.

Also – there were quite a few women I followed who had a tummy tuck and then suddenly surprisingly ended up pregnant. They seemed to not get as big and their stomachs seemed to flatten out nicely afterwards. The ones who hadn’t had kids said they needed to feel good RIGHT NOW and if they had to have another later – fine. Some felt without getting it done they’d never even have the confidence to find a mate to have kids with and there’s no time like the present. I always thought it was an interesting debate.

** Side note – do any of you watch Ruby? Did you see she’s at a point where she’s thinking of plastic surgery much before she’s at her goal? Having the surgery will make her more mobile so she can reach her goal easier. The doc said he could take 25lbs off her arms alone – can you imagine carrying that around? She is very torn – and very scared after seeing the scars involved (arm scars are usually the worst). And she is still over 300 lbs with more to lose – so she has to know she may end up needing a very difficult and expensive surgery – TWICE. It’s such a kick in the face….to do the work and be left with the skin and it’s such a personal decision.

I work with a man who needs skin cut from his arms, legs, knees, breasts, stomach – everywhere – he was over 500 lbs. If he had this done – he’d be at goal as they estimate his skin alone weighs 75 lbs. He refuses – he has a low pain tolerance and it would take many surgeries and right now he can’t deal with the pain that would come with it – though he hates the skin…he is in his late 40s. His daughter – same thing – but she indeed had all the skin on her arms, stomach, legs and her breasts lifted – all in one surgery – but she is in her 20s…..has no kids yet and is engaged. The mother – also over 400 lbs – doesn’t care and it doesn’t bother her – she will have no WLS or plastic surgery of any kind. Interesting isn’t it? **

Back to my first question - specifically for the lap-banders. I really have never asked anyone what happens when and if any of you who haven’t had kids want to have them in the future? Do you leave the band in? Do you take it out? How does that work? I know someone who had bariatric surgery and they do nothing special if she gets pregnant (the girl I spoke of above). Did the thought of having kids some day influence your lap band decision? Or was getting the lap band part of knowing you could easier have kids some day?

Does the thought of putting weight back on – even if for a pregnancy – scare the living crap out of you? For me it did. I used to read about the people who suddenly found out they were pregnant after having a TT and it would make me break out in hives thinking what I would feel like if that was me. Most people realized it was a blessing and fate and meant to be and embraced it but at first they were scared and man – some people had spent upwards of $10,000 and now they were pregnant.

Remember some people have tummy tucks due to a pregnancy only – not due to being obese. Some women’s bellies stretch only for pregnancy – and they get tummy tucks after to repair the muscle and skin. Can you imagine fixing that and then knowing it’s happening again due to another pregnancy? Even today – if I had to gain the weight back – I’m not sure I could do it and not go mentally insane.

I’m by no means questioning the value of life vs. skin and pain and weight – I’m just thinking out loud.

I work with a woman who started losing weight when I did. She said she wants 5 kids. Has always said that. Was adamant about it. But that’s before she got rail thin and worked her ass off. Years later – still thin – still no more kids. I often wonder if the thought of gaining her weight back is enough to keep her from having more kids? Isn’t that amazing if it’s true? That such a thing as fat and weight and the work it involves could somehow stop a person from having a child? Yet I understand it.

I once had a man here say to me, “You should gain all your weight back so you could go on Biggest Loser and lose it all again and win the money.” Gain it back for money? The sheer thought of gaining it back – made my stomach hurt. Would you guys do that? Would any amount of money be worth gaining it back on purpose to lose it again? I mean celebrities do it but then again it’s usually less than 50lbs and they have the means to take it off fast with personal chefs and trainers and such. I just don’t think I could do it.

So those are my thoughts and questions. I completely realize having kids is a very personal topic so no need to answer if that makes you uncomfortable. I’m not trying to pry – it’s just an interesting topic to me.

Also – speaking of tummy tucks – Band-Babe asked me about post op pain and returning to normal life and such and I didn’t sugarcoat and I gave her the gloom and doom side of it. While it is true – I wanted to say to you Band-Babe – that for me the swelling for a year or more truly tested my mental and physical strength – but I will tell you this. Even on my most swelled day – the swelling was ALWAYS better than the hanging skin and you have to hold on to that. Did I look like an alien – was I huge and couldn’t fit in pre-op clothes? YES. But hanging skin was gone and swelling or not – THAT was what I had to focus on. My worst swell day was still better than any hanging skin day in my head. I hope you find that true as well.

And OMG – we’re going to Chicago – with a bunch of BOOBS!!!! Have you all joined the new blog yet for our upcoming trip??? I’m so excited I can’t even think!

♥ Smooches & Hugs ♥

♪ Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be. ♪

♣ Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that & nothing will resist you. ♣