Saturday, July 31, 2010

Well it had to happen some's hoping I recover....

Oh guys I'm totally pulling your leg...sort of.  It did have to happen but dang I'll recover just fine!!  Yes, it seems good 'ol dramatic Draz is back.  Wanna know what I'm talking about? 

My weight.  Finally after nearly 9 straight days of losses - today I stayed the same.  I'm stuck for today at 8 pounds lost in 10 days.  I know why it happened.  I ate peanuts which aren't allowed until day 15.  I was shopping and got was peanuts or a candy bar and I picked peanuts.  And I made Atkins safe whip cream (and ate it) and made an Atkins approved muffin (and ate it).....which didn't help all in one day.

Last night I told Rambo I'd cut off my left leg for a Pepsi while he shrugged his *I used to drink 5 cans a day* shoulders and said, "Really, I'm fine.  It doesn't bother me."  Jerkoff. 

Then - then - do you know what he did?????  He found a Pepsi way way back in the scary recesses of the fridge....and held it up like a prize and smirked.  Peckerhead.

He said, "Aww baby - didn't you know this was in here?"

Um no - shitface- if I did do you think it would still be there?

The Pepsi is still there.  Taunting me.  And no not cuz of the caffeine - it's the sugar.  I haven't had real sugar in 5 days....the longest ever.  Thursday I had detox flu....flu symptoms you feel from detoxing which is a pretty good indication I ate sugar a lot.  Like 90% of my body was probably sugar.

5 days no sugar.  Almost two weeks with no caffeine.  And 8 pounds in 10 days and dudes - I'm eating like a horse.  Sometimes I have to force myself to eat I'm so not hungry.  I respond well to protein.

Oh Rambo shitface was down another 1.5 today.  He's under 200 for the first time in YEARS.  Wanna know how I found out?  He emailed me from the prison today at work.  And I quote:

"I said good bye to an old friend this morning. (I was freaking out thinking someone died when he said this) I said to Mr. 200 that it has been fun but I have to go. Do not take it personally but I do not want to see you again. He said it was ok. I asked Mr. 200 how long it'd been since I'd been with him and he could not remember. I told him I was going to see an old friend - Mr. 100's. I told him that I had not seen him in a very long time and he told me that I should go and spend a lot of time with him."

Seriously - this is the shit I live with. What burly prison guard gun-owning Rambo camo-wearing fool talks like that?  Has he lost his mind? 

Nope - just weight.  And apparently he's happy about it. 

Apparently so am I - enough to weekend post about it....aren't you guys lucky?  LOL

Friday, July 30, 2010

BYOC - Bring Your Own Craziness...

BYOC my little bumblebees....we get to know each other better and we get a free blog topic for our fried brains!  Join in if you want and ENJOY!

1.  What is your favorite genre of movies?  (comedy/romance/horror/action)

* I'm big into romances or comedy.  I've never seen most horror movies cuz I'm very nightmare prone and sad movies stick with me way too long so I stay away from those too.  This tends to be a problem - Rambo LOVES scary, gory, action movies!

2.  What do you order when you eat Chinese food?

* I am a HUGE plain Jane eater - which again doesn't jive with Rambo who can eat jalepeno sandwiches cuz he was born in Louisiana - so even with Chinese food I special order....fried rice, white chicken, no veggies and white sauce on the side...which isn't really Chinese when it's all said and done. 

3.  Okay no one kill me for this one - and don't answer if you don't want to BUT I just saw some preview for Dr. Phil on swingers and I wondered - what's your take on swingers.....for it, against it, do it, would never do it, etc.?

* Even though I live in a very small town, around here there's a pretty big group of swingers but it's very hush hush as to who is exactly in it.  As for me - not so much - I have actually known some people who tried it and then couldn't keep their emotions out of it and ended divorcing over it.  I just don't know how sex could just be sex every time and how you wouldn't get favorites and form attractions BUT I also say if it's for you - have at it cuz to each his own.  Rambo and I will be swingers....from trapezes.

4.  Let's go back to a repeat question.  Pick one thing you'll do one next week that is for your physical/mental health.

*  I have mastered the water drinking since doing Atkins and I have kicked caffeine in the ass (can you tell I'm shocked proud?)  BUT I haven't gone back to running - I took 10 days off for my tattoo to heal and I need to get back to it.  I pledge to run at least one day next week.  Oh and update - down another 1/2 pound today so that's 8 lbs in 9 days!  Can I get an AMEN?

5.  Repeat question.  Which blog or comment stuck with you the most this week and why?

* Hands down for me this week was Carmen's mom post.  I asked her to write it a while ago and I knew it would be hard for her and I'm so glad she did....I wanted to "meet" the woman behind our Carmie...and now I feel like I have.

* I'm also super proud of Jacquie who recently got back on her hubby's bike after tragedy struck earlier this proud of her!

And all of you girls getting excited and posting fears about Chicago and stuff make me feel better about mine.  I cannot wait to meet so many of you!

As far as comments - everyone has had my back this week as I faced more flood challenges and basically pouted in the corner....and I'm now not in said corner...because of you all.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

A teeny little thing called a reason…**Updated at the bottom**

I live by reasons. They keep me going – because then when tragedy strikes I can reason it out. I can focus on the reason – not the tragedy.

When something bad happens, sometimes it takes years before I know why…but in my heart I know I’ll figure it out. I surmise all kinds of possible reasons until the real one is shown to me….it eases the pain.

When my Grandma who was a Saint on Earth died after I spent months nursing her through cancer…after we whispered in her ear, “you can go, they are all waiting for you there, just let go” and I thought I’d never recover….I did and it was because I knew there was a bigger reason for her death. Today, my 9 year old who never met that woman will swear to you she knows her. At the age of 3, she constantly talked of my Grandma and I would say, “Honey – you never met her, you don’t know her.” She’d get downright angry with me and say she did – that she saw her all the time. As a new mother with a colicky baby – that same 9 yr old – I felt my Grandma in the nursery with me, alone and scared and often I’d go in and my baby would be covered gently….and I hadn’t done it. My Grandma was there. If she had been alive….I would have truly been alone….she wouldn’t have been with me in that room.

When I lay dying in my parent’s bed – wasting away to nothing, not talking or eating and barely breathing – praying to die to stop the pain in my head from depression I had no idea there’d ever be a reason. But there is. At the age of 9, my sister suffered the same fate – yes I said 9. And instantly before it got that bad – we all knew what it was – because of what I had been through. She was put on meds and still is on them today…she is 21. She is alive because of them. When my father saw that two of his daughters were helped, at the age of 50, he went on meds himself and is very different from the man I knew as a child because of them. All because I nearly died….

When the flood came and life was like a slow motion movie for a year – I struggled hard to find a reason but I swore and would tell people…some day I will know. Some day. It’s been two years and I still don’t really know about that one. I’d still probably take it back…until I see my parents in a new home, safe and dry and in town as they get older and only a mile from me. They are better off – in my heart I know that. But they were good before so I still struggle with this one. I doubt I’ll know until I let myself go back there and actually grieve…some day.

Anywhoozle – what I’m leading up to is this latest re-flood reason. I have been beyond pissed – as you have read in my blogs. And then I get beyond sad. Then I crawl into myself and don’t let anyone in. It seems ridiculously unfair that every time I enter my own newly remodeled basement that I have flashbacks of something I choose to forget. One of the worst times in my life – staring at me from my own home. It is eerily familiar – the water and mud, how to clean, the smell, the aftermath, the emotions, FEMA…all of it. I swore to God I’d never go through it again….and here I am…even if on a lesser scale. I was emailing with a blogger – one who I am proud to call a friend (LDSwims) – and she said something about a reason and she said lots of other amazing words and I read it over and over and let it sink in and as I was reading – it was like a lightening bolt – a reason – right there – in between the lines. I nearly crumbled to the floor. (Yes, drama is my middle name.)

The room that is most ruined is my daughter’s. It has huge mirror closet doors we ordered just for her. Three pretty windows and a blanket quilted by the Grandma she knows but never met. It’s big and she has her own big bathroom down there to go with it. Trouble is – from day 1 – she’s hated it. She’s like me – scared a lot, needs people around her to feel safe, needs to be near us, needs to belong….and down “there” she hates it. She gets scared and feels alone and far away. We have to force her to go to bed every night.

For months since it’s been done we say too bad, suck it up, it’s gorgeous, as you grow you’ll want to have your own space with your friends and your own bathroom…..and she cries. I can’t get her past it into loving it. I know there’s nothing to be afraid of but as a mother it hurts me that she hates it that bad. I hate the begging every night to sleep on the couch up by us. I hate that she won’t use her bathroom down there. I hate that it didn’t work out – but what was done is done.

Until the re-flood. The room is near empty and there is no carpet. We will be painting the floor and making it brand new again. And without this flood – we would never take the opportunity to….


It’s a teeny little thing called a reason and I’m clinging to it. Good from the bad. Rainbow after the rain. Peace in my heart. Instead of dread at cleanup – excitement to decorate new rooms.

It’s just that teeny little thing called a reason…..powerful enough to save me.

OH AND.....down 7.5lbs in 9 days.  No sugar since Sunday.  No caffeine for 9 days.  I am officially not addicted!!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I Wish Wednesday....

It’s I Wish Wednesday….the day when I let out everything I’ve been holding in for a week out of politeness. There isn’t any gumdrop farting here, no rainbows, no colored Skittle baths….today I don’t even know the way to CareBear Land where I usually reside.

I feel shitastic and craptabulous….I can’t break this funk that happened since the re-flood. I’m angry that I’m not stronger than this…and maybe I Wish Wednesday will help.

1. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t me. I’ve reverted to the old Draz. I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone except a select few – translation = Jenny, Rambo and my kids. That’s it. My family was spending time together and I left the room, I went to bed at 8pm. I never kissed my kids goodnight, I barely said goodnight to Rambo. I stopped talking, I withdrew into myself. I just left….to be alone with my self-destructive, pity party, why me thoughts? And I hated myself for it the whole time…but the will to force myself out of that desperation wasn’t there. I wish and hope and pray I gain that strength today because that is not who I want to be.

2. I wish I was more like Rambo. Had he pulled something like that – bitchiness, walking out, not talking, hating the world without an explanation, without reaching out to me – I’d have been pissed. Yet I woke up this morning with his arms wrapped around me whispering that he loved me and that everything will be okay. I wish I knew that everything would be okay – like he does. Life would be so much easier.

3. I wish I wasn’t on the brink of tears all day long…it’s not who I am. I am not a crier. I am strong – hear me roar remember? But it’s raining and I can’t explain how angry I am that the sound of rain sparks fear and anger now – when before it was joy. I’ll get back to that joy some day but right now – we can’t handle more rain. I can’t handle the sound.

4. I wish our solutions work….we began discussing plans of action for fixing the house before I regressed into myself – which probably caused it. Dig along the house, put in drain tile, re-seal the walls, make a mess of the yard, rip up our deck cuz it’s in the way, dig up massive amounts of flowers and move rocks, stain the floor in the basement….to the tune of thousands of dollars. I have our budget done out into next year and this wasn’t part of that. The planner in me is having panic attacks. I keep trying to picture it in my head – done and beautiful and dry. But it’s a vision that doesn’t come easy.

5. I wish that people I work with didn’t abuse the per diem system. When the state says you can have $51 a day for meals – that doesn’t read “try to spend as close to $51 as possible.” We live in a cost-effective area. It should never cost that much for one person for one day. If it does, you’re abusing the system just because you don’t have to pay for it….and you look like a selfish asshole. Ever heard of McDonald’s? I think you could eat there 16x for less than $51. I know if it was your dollar you wouldn’t have ordered lobster….jackass. Wow.

6. I wish I had done detox/Atkins before. I’d already be at goal. I lost another pound today. 7 to go to mini-goal, 12 to go until I’ll cream in my pants and do cartwheels goal. 7 lbs in 8 days – who knew? (Oh at the end of detox day 7 Rambo was down 6.5 so almost a pound a day). And folks – I’m so freaking full the sight of food doesn’t even appeal to me. Honestly. Weird huh? This from the girl who can out-eat nearly any man on this Earth. However, I will say – when I’m in depression mode my appetite is nearly nonexistent. It’s a symptom of depression and one I watch closely…. I always thought it’d be cool to have no desire to eat or no appetite but it’s not. It feels horrible – not natural – wrong.

7. I wish I could wear a bikini every day after work like I did last night. Little sparks of Draz are still here. Something about a bikini drives Rambo nuts. Earlier in the night we were both at our computers and we can’t see each other’s faces but we talk and he’d say, “I think we need to go to the bedroom, I’m not sure I can stand another minute with you looking like that.” Looking like what? I’m slumped at a computer screen…in a bikini. It’s funny to me when he talks like that – it’s like we’re having a conversation about how the grass is growing – except not.

8. I wish that soon I feel like Draz again…cuz I fear if I don’t….you’ll stop reading me. No one wants to hear this doom and gloom and poor me. It’s bullshit. I lost nothing that matters. There is destruction in nearly every home in my town and mine is not the worst. Anger doesn’t look good on me. Please….bear with me as I try to let it go.

Be well my friends.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

....approaching the rainbow....

In a second I’ll talk about something other than water and how it turns me into someone I am not. Last night we cleared most of my daughter’s brand new room and ripped up the new carpet and we have to decide on a new floor covering now. Rain is in the forecast tomorrow and I’m pretending it’s not.

Onto other things….happier things. Not scary things.  Beyond the rain and into the rainbow right?

First to all of you and your comments yesterday…thank you….I know I say that a lot and it’s two little words and it’s hard to convey how I feel behind the words….but trust me….when I say those two little words I mean them. Days like yesterday seem unbearable without your words of encouragement.

Second – to my Jenny – my BFF. During the flood when my parents lost everything I did not have Jenny. During deaths of Grandparents and other tragedies throughout my life, I did not have Jenny. Today I’m 100% sure I’d be a better, stronger person if I hadn’t been without her during my trials. During this weekend’s mini-re-flood – I had Jenny. Jenny has her own life – she’s got kids and a husband and a damn stressful job right now but it didn’t matter. In one sentence, she healed me. She said, “Say the word and I’m there.” No one besides Rambo has ever said that to me and meant it. Saying it is one thing but being on the receiving end of that statement and knowing that if I indeed said “come” – she would have…there aren’t quite words to describe how that made me feel. I’ve never had that before….and I never want to live without it again.

Third – ODD (Operation Detox Draz) is over since it’s been a week. I am down a solid 6 pounds so it totally worked in my opinion. The last time I lost 6 lbs in a week was years ago. I am officially down 10.5 for the year. I have 13 to go to reach ultimate goal but losing just 8 would be pretty damn okay. Rambo wasn’t awake when I left so I’m not sure what he lost in his detox week. I see good changes already from this detox.

I am drinking so much water every day I have to get up to pee at night – same for Rambo.
I have given up soda/caffeine. I’ve wanted to do that for at least a year and now I have – same for Rambo.
I feel less bloated and puffy – same for Rambo.
I am taking vitamins again.
I am on my way to severely restricting sugar - Rambo too.
I am gaining self control. I had Cheetos in my hands last night getting them for my 4 yr old – and I didn’t eat one. This is major. I heard Jenny’s voice saying, “Don’t cheat – you only lose credibility with yourself if you do.” Saved again by the BFF.

So we started Atkins yesterday and I never cheated once. I had many opportunities to do so but I didn’t do it. Same for Rambo.

There are 23 days until we go to Louisiana and 8 lbs in 23 days seems doable on the 14 day induction plan of Atkins and beyond. Wish me luck everyone.

If we get more torrential rain tomorrow – I may lose my mind….and my self control. Whose letting me move in with them?

As we were cleaning up the backyard last night I said to Rambo, “Let’s sell this place and go rent somewhere.” He laughed.

Apparently he thought I was kidding.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Destruction in my home...and in my heart...

I’m pretty sure everything would be alright in the world if I just could have stayed in bed one more day. All day. In the dark. Under the covers. Pretending I don’t have to live and I don't have things to do.

It’s a day when my “dark days” are there – in the back of my mind…edging closer to the front….and I have to push them back. Every motion is difficult. Waking. Getting dressed. Doing my hair. Bathing. Breathing. But I do it – because I’ve learned how to fight the demons inside me – and win.

Life isn’t ending – it just isn’t the greatest right now. Those of you who have followed me from the very beginning know that 2 years ago in a flood my parents lost everything they owned and moved in with me. For a full year, my life wasn’t my own. It was giving a family a home, then putting them in a camper in my driveway, then moving them to a garage, house-hunting, moving again, and so much FEMA paperwork it was coming out of my ass. It was all-consuming and it changed me – like devastation like that can often do.

Many, many people don’t know that on that same day my finished basement flooded too. We had to gut it. $10,000 in damage but we spoke of it to no one. It just didn’t seem right in comparison to what my parents had lost. The basement sat empty until just last October when we re-finished it. It’s a storage closet, workout room and a bedroom for my daughter.

Saturday – it flooded again. The whole town has damage again. Even my parent’s condemned house has flooded again – so thank goodness they left it. I stood in my basement – Rambo was at work – and I cried. How can this happen again? And then I felt guilty – it’s just carpet, walls and tile. I dried my tears and I began clean up. Life will go on.

On the day my parent’s home flooded – 4 others in town did too. Three of those were condemned also and are abandoned. One however is not. Only the entire basement level floods so FEMA won’t condemn it because they can still live upstairs. It flooded again Saturday. This is probably the 6th time since 2008. The wife had a nervous breakdown this time. She tried to leave but her car was covered up to the windshield. She had to be rescued…just like my mom was back then. I drove by on the way to the soccer game and my heart sank. I sobbed. The sight. The mud and the people. Everything you own out in the driveway being cleaned by strangers. Rescue workers, firemen. People driving by to stare.

And people like me driving by sobbing….because I hurt for them and I know how they feel and worst of all – I remember. I don’t often let myself remember that day – the helplessness, the sight of my father sobbing in the yard as we emptied his house of 30 years, the smell of the mud….the fact that me and Rambo were alone without my other siblings….the fact that I’m still angry about that.

But some things trigger the memories and that did it for me. I hate that it can still do that and I hate even more that I know it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to grieve over what we lost that day. This weekend my brothers were home – and we took boatloads of pictures. No one complained – everyone stood – and smiled – for as long as was needed. Normally it would have been like pulling teeth but everyone knew there was a reason we were taking those pictures. It’s because all our pictures from 53 years and back are all gone – all ruined – every baby picture of me and my siblings and even my parents – gone. Every baby book….gone. There was a reason we were taking pictures….and behind each was a little bit of sadness. I have nothing physical of my childhood to show my girls….seems shallow and petty…but it hurts just the same.

So my basement is a wreck….and I’d like to crawl in a hole and pretend it’s not. As it is I live upstairs and I refuse to go down there - I don't want to see it.  I don't want to feel what seeing it does to me.  I’d like to not be forced to remember that others lost more. I’d like to not repeat 2008 over and over again. I’d like to stay in bed.

I’d like to scratch the word flood from my brain. I don’t want to report damages to FEMA today where they know me on a first name basis. I want to move to the top of a mountain and never fear water again.

But life isn’t about getting what you want…it’s about surviving what’s thrown at you and coming out stronger in the end. I’ll survive. I’ll be stronger.

But I won’t forget.

I think I am most angry that all my life I loved rain - loved that it meant memories with my father that were few and far between.  If it rained when we were kids, he couldn't work outside - so we'd shop and go out to eat.  Rain was a blessing.  Rain was my father.  And now - rain is my curse.  I am angry that something I love is now something I am starting to hate.  I want to despise it for what it's done to me and my family.  I want to go back to loving it....and I would.....except scares the hell out of me.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Bear with me....

My background is being stupid...I'm trying to fix it...anyone else having issues?

Friday, July 23, 2010

BYOC Friday!!!!! **Bring Your Own Craziness**

It’s time for BYOC Friday. Get to know your fellow bloggers better AND give your blogging brain a break! Enjoy!

1. Let’s brag a little….what’s the best perk you’ve ever had in your job (current or past)? Any employment counts - even if you’re a stay at home mom – you have perks (and the hardest job ever in my opinion).

• I used to work at a bank and the best perk there was an awesome mortgage rate but that’s not “fun”. Where I work now we get on-site massages twice a week so that’s kinda cool and flexible work hours. I’ve been here 11 years and have never worked a full Friday ever.

2. Do you ever lie in your blog?

Hmmm – I think I have. I’m pretty sure when I’ve reported in the past that I ate let’s say 15 Milky Ways – it was probably closer to 20. As far as lying about real things I don’t think so. I try to remain fairly anonymous (no name and pics only stay up for a few days) and so I’m kind of an omitter….which to some is lying. This is probably the only place I let it out all cuz in every day life I of course lie. I of course tell Martha Stewart I love her Little House on the Prairie dress from the 30s and I tell Explosive Man on a daily basis Good Morning when I know that ain’t gonna be possible as soon as his ass blows up.

3. What do you wear to bed?

I’m a dork here. I know most people are religious about what they wear – it’s either pajamas, a certain piece of clothing or nothing. For me – it changes almost every night. Most of the time it’s nude cuz Rambo sleeps that way. Other nights it’s pajamas. Other nights just undies. Other nights I’m so tired I wear to bed whatever I have on. Other nights I’m dressed up like an Eskimo. I am a hot sleeper – rarely use anything but a sheet even when it’s 20 below here so less is usually better. However, Rambo has never been home at night with me until just one year ago so staying dressed seemed like the right thing to do since I would be the one up with our girls if they needed something. Now though – I’m free and naked all the time…usually.

4. Where do you go for advice?

This one is easy for me. Rambo, Jenny, myself and then probably my mom.

5. Repeat question. Make someone a superstar without using a blog award. What comment or blog stuck with you the most this week and why?

Hmmm…I think I’ve been sucking this week at commenting and I’m sorry about that. I love comments so much so it irritates me so much when I can’t give them back.

LDSwims blog was tough for her to write about not going to Chicago. My BFF’s blog about her frustration this week made my heart ache…it’s hard to see her sad/mad/unhappy….but she’ll get through it. Erika at Fat Like Me is down 50lbs through calorie counting and exercise and posted pictures which I know is hard for her but every day she amazes me….every single day.

I’d have to say not necessarily a blog this week but emails from all the BOOBS planners that have been going back and forth. We have some awesome planners and I’m grateful for all their work…..and you will be too come September!

Oh and Jacquie left me a comment about riding again after she lost her Dad and brother-in-law in a motorcycle accident and it brought tears to my eyes…the thought that she is ready for that makes my heart sing. Proud just doesn’t describe it. Go Jacquie!

ODD is still in full force. I ended yesterday way under 500 cals because I played soccer for an hour and burned 447 cals. Same for Rambo – he’s well under 500 cals too. Our stomachs must be shrinking because both of us have commented we aren’t even hungry. All out soccer wasn’t hard – we had tons of energy. It felt great. I had ½ can of Mt. Dew as part of my weaning slowly and I plan to have none today. I want to be off soda for good by Tuesday – one week from the start of my detox. Rambo hasn’t had any. Quite an accomplishment for a guy who had 3-6 every day. He lost another ½ pound today for a total of 6 in 3 days. I gained back ½ pound but I’m not surprised after the workout last night. I’m still down 5 and I just feel better. Tonight we shop in prep for Atkins!! Until then we are studying the plan….and getting excited!

Have a good weekend my sunflowers...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Pubes, Lubes and Dubes....

Hello love muffins!

So how many of you perverts are only reading this because of my enticing title? Ha – I know you all so well.

First off – I puffy glittery sparkley heart today. It’s raining…like big donkey balls of rain. And thunder and lightening. God, I love rain. I laid in bed extra minutes today just listening…the only thing that would have made it better would have been Rambo….and a bag of Milky Ways maybe.

Oh and someone asked yesterday from my blog what a cheesecurd was. OH MY GOOD GOD IN HEAVEN – it’s a cheese orgasm in your mouth. A tiny piece of squeaky yellow or white cheese breaded and deep fried. Nearly impossible to resist….so just having one is quite a feat I must say. People eat them plain too – not breaded – and cold….I should bring a bag to Chicago. You’ll eat one and then you’ll stalk me for more. Around here we deep fry anything – seriously anything. This year at the fair they are serving deep fried cheesecake, deep fried oreos and deep fried butter. Wowser huh? It’s a heart attack on a stick – all for $4.99….and all your friends can watch.

Let’s move on to pubes. Acky poo – I’m pretty sure I need to add this to the list of words and things in general I hate. I feel like a creep just saying the word. Anywhoozle, I just have one thing to ask. How many freaking pube hairs do you lose in a day? Me? Well, not many – in fact I’d be inclined to say NONE. Certainly not 3 or say 4 or 5. Certainly not enough to fall onto a toilet seat on both sides. Certainly not enough to make someone barf (another word I hate) before they sit down and go pee. I only lose them when I shave the suckers off. What the holy hell? Now as if holding my nose and my breath before I go pee isn’t bad enough – I have to bend down and act like the Big Bad Wolf and chant….”and I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow all the pubes off the ring” – before I sit down. Where are these pubes all coming from? How do they get all over the seat? Do you stand and shake? Oh the nightmares….

Lubes? Um, how about my car needs an oil change?

Dubes? Um….I got nothing. Never tried one…

Oh oh oh – guess what? Operation Detox Draz is going strong…well maybe not strong but going. If you recall, Day 1 had me down 3 and Rambo down 2. No cheats, no sugar, no caffeine. Day 2 was tougher. Yes, we’ve already noted I have the will power of an ant. I don’t think going cold turkey on caffeine is smart when I’m prone to migraines so I’m cutting back slowing – weaning if you will. So yesterday I had one Pepsi for 150 cals and I had a bite size Milky Way… there you go. Sugar and caffeine on Day 2 – even with that I was under 650 cals so not too bad. Rambo had a few drinks of my Pepsi and had an apple fiber bar. He was under 650 cals too. And the result???

Rambo down 3 lbs today, Draz down 2.5. So in 2 days we’ve lost 5.5 each.

Now onto the good stuff. Yes, yes, you all get to point your little skinny fingers at me and say “I told you so Draz, you idiot, what were you thinking?”…and gloat like any good friend would. I’ll say it – this detox is HARD. Not like I want to pull out my own fingernails hard but tough. Then again, my head seems clearer, I feel less “puffy” and leaner and it’s working. I don’t feel as fluffy – even though I know it’s only 5.5 lbs. I am drinking ½ my body weight in water and that’s a huge thing and a habit I’ll be happy to keep.

We won’t be doing this for 30 days though. God, do I suck or what? But really it wasn’t realistic – considering the magnitude of picnics and outings we have where food is literally not in our control. We are going to continue low cal – 1000 or less – for 7 full days. After that – are you ready? Oh my God – half of you are going to unfollow me I know it. We’re going to do the 14 day induction phase of Atkins. NO – we aren’t going to eat bacon all day followed up by 6 t-bone steaks. We ARE going to eat good protein with massive amounts of veggies netting under 20 carbs a day. We ARE still cutting white flour, white bread, white pastas, sweets and chips. We ARE going to get healthier. We ARE going to be able to go back to major workouts due to upping our calories. We don’t like not working out – we do it as a family and we want our girls to continue to be a part of that but on 500 calories it’s not smart.

Rambo is actually surprising me. He keeps stopping me in the hall as I pass or starts talking when I think he’s asleep and says, “Baby, this is it. We’re going to have a new healthy life. We’re going to do this. Our girls will see us both healthy.” And a part of me really wants to hope….that he’s right.

So there you have it. Bring out the stones. Start whipping them at me.

Or better yet – whip them at Sheniqua….she has lots of cushioning – she can take it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I Wish Wednesday...

It's I Wish Wednesday for me....this is the day where I let out everything I've been holding in for a week in my effort to remain polite and proper.  Here we go!

* I wish that I didn't get migraines.  I wish that I could figure out my trigger.  Though I have nowhere near the 68 I had last year, I still hate them.  I hate even more that the pain meds for them cost a million dollars each.  I wish I could cut my own head off on migraine days and reattach it later when it's only filled with gumdrops and rainbows.

* To the idiot with wonky eyes and fat thumbs...I wish you'd wake up and pay attention. Yes I'm talking to myself here.  What is this about you ask?  Well, I stood in the little girl's underwear dept for what seemed like forever trying to find underwear for my 4 year old.  I was trying to find the best bargain and finally settled on a package of 9 for $6.50.  I must have at one point held 15 bags of the little suckers in my hands trying to decide.  Then I decided - and went home.  I got home.  Husband opens the package and yells to me, "Um, pumpkin, I don't think these are going to fit Banana (her nickname)."  WHAT?  I so carefully picked out the ones with all her favorite colors so she wouldn't throw a fit like a 1 yr old when she saw can this be?  I'm sure he's lost his mind or something.  And then he walks in.  He's holding them up and says, "These will totally fit YOU."  But but but - they're a size 4 and she's 4!!!!!!!! 

"Nu-uh - they are a size 1-4 as in 14!"  So either I'm blind or my fat thumb covered up the 1 and I thought I was buying 4s.  Needless to say - they fit me.  I am wearing little girls underwear and I feel like a pervert and I get pissed off every time I put them on.  So there.  I wish I paid more attention or had clear eyes and skinny thumbs.  Jesus.

* I wish my mother could just support - not sabotage.  Me, my sister and her are going out Friday night for a drink.  Now mind you - the drink isn't supposed to be the main attraction.  The point is we are making an effort to get together - the three of us girls - to chat.  None of us drink.  Rarely - if ever -  but when I mentioned that I would be drinking water due to the diet I'm on she flipped a bird.  She even said, "Well I'm not going then."  WHAT?  Is my company somehow not worth it based on the liquid in my cup?  Will I talk differently and laugh less if it's just water?  This from a woman who will not order a drink herself.  I finally said - listen - I'm on a detox diet - vacation is in less than 30 days and this is really important to me.  I wish that was enough. 

* I wish that on the first day of my detox diet that Rambo hadn't decided to buy cheesecurds for our 4 year old.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I should cut his balls off.  Let it be known - I did cheat - I ate 1/2 a cheesecurd.  That is it.  That's pretty damn amazing if you ask me.

* I wish that Rambo didn't feel it necessary to buy my girls a toy every time they go somewhere because they were good.  I wish they weren't wrapped around his finger.  Well actually it doesn't bother me usually except this time he bought them plastic horses.  Great.  They are so excited until the 9 year old flips hers over and realizes it has HUGE BLACK BALLS.  She dropped that thing like it was fire in her hands...and hasn't played with it since.  My mom says I should shave them off with a razor...but I can't bring myself to care that much.  I wish toy packagers would maybe have put a note on the box that said *if you're buying this for a girl - don't - it has big huge black balls on it and will scar your child forever.*

That's all I got today for you my chickens.  Oh and my update below:

Day 1 - of ODD (Operation Detox Draz) - down 3 lbs - no sugar - no caffeine (no headache even yet)!

I feel pretty great.  Even had energy to go for a bicycle ride with my girls.  I am stoked!

Day 1 for Rambo shows him down 2 lbs - no sugar - no caffeine (he probably had 3-4 pops a day!)


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

My pick of the week is Sooze....

I just started following Sooze and she's a sweetheart.  If you would, check out her blog and follow if you'd like.  She would love to add some followers to her list!  She is here at The Journey Provides The Destination.

Thanks everyone - just paying it forward!


The things I'll do for a pair of shoes and some jewelry.

Well my little muffins….today is a big day. There are 31 days until I go on vacation. My first real more than 3 days more than 100 miles from home vacation. Good God – saying that out loud almost makes me go into convulsions. Or maybe more correctly I should say 31 days until I enter Satan’s domain voluntarily. I don’t mean to sound like an ass but I’ve been with Rambo for 20 years and this is the first time I’m going anywhere with his mother for longer than a day – 7 days to be exact. She is not awful – BUT – come on. 7 days – with a mother-in-law, 20 hours of driving with 2 young girls…..and a husband saying I have limits to how many shoes and outfits I can pack….well….could it be more like Hell?

Anywhoozle….I shall be meeting all of Rambo’s relatives for the first time evah. Yes, the anti-social Draz wants to literally throw a tantrum and refuse to get out of the car when I get there rather than face meeting them and first impressions and what to say and hives and sweating and skyrocketing blood pressure…but I love Rambo and I’d walk to the ends of the Earth for him and this is important to him. I’m pretty sure I can get a few new outfits, some shoes and maybe even some jewelry out of it. And most of all – I come out of my shell even more. I live. I go on. I don’t regret. I show my girls you can face your fears….and you come out stronger in the end.

Okay and yes – in case I didn’t mention it – we’ll be in Louisiana……and um yah….I’ve been warned it should be well over 100 each day. We will be swimming a lot. Yes – that means bikinis my chickens. And let’s all just try to scare the shit out of ourselves right now by remembering not only will his whole extended family see me BUT immediate family gets to feast upon the goddess that is me…..cuz his brother and family are going and again, his mother and father. None of them have seen that much skin on me since – well – um never. And they are better off because of that. That all changes when the thermometer goes over 100. I don’t give a rat’s ass or anyone’s ass for that matter who sees me in a bikini at that point. They can shield their eyes if they must. They can run screaming from the pool too – that’s just more room for me to perform belly flops. I could care less.

Since mentally this trip is going to be exhausting due to the fact that I’m going to have to force myself to not be who I would normally be every day for 7 days…I will likely be exhausted physically and not feel great as in my stomach will feel like it’s on fire and I’ll probably get migraines. It would behoove (love that word) me to be in the best physical shape possible before this trip to help alleviate some of that. I need energy. Mentally I need to feel great about my body in that bikini…it can only help. Well, that and large amounts of Valium.

Sooooo – today starts Operation Detox Draz. Rambo is doing it with me. 31 days of detox. We will aim for anywhere between 500 and 1000 calories a day. We will be eating clean. Certain fruits, mainly chicken, certain veggies and only water. Sugar of no kind is allowed, nor is caffeine. Yup – I said it. Draz is going off caffeine today. I’ve wanted to for so long and now is the time. It’s going to be hell on Earth and I need your encouragement but I hate drinking soda. It’s pure sugar and has no nutritional value and I hate being addicted to the caffeine. I only drink 1 can a day but still – I am addicted. Getting off of it means headaches – which means migraines but I am ready. It needs to be over. I need to take the control back.

And yes – I know this detox is not super healthy or nutritional although it is all clean foods….I know I can’t maintain this low of cals forever but I can for 30 days. I can learn portion controls, I can cut sugar and caffeine and I can have a leaner body and a clearer head.

Rambo and I weigh in each morning and we cross out the days. I want to lose 20lbs and he wants to lose 30-40. Yes – all in this 31 days. We will not be majorly working out due to the fact that this low of calories probably can’t sustain a major workout. But we’ll see how we feel.

This can be done. I am motivated. Rambo is too. In a few days I’ll start reporting my daily weigh-ins….here’s hoping right?

Oh and if you want to hit me over the head with a bat and tell me I’ve gone over the deep end and I’m crossed over into obsessive…please don’t. Right now I just need smoke blown up my ass. All raindrops and encouragement and gumdrop farts amuck. Please…..instead of telling me what you really think promise me when you comment you’ll do so from CareBear Land…..where Draz is the smartest, hottest, funniest person you’ve ever known and you want to hump my leg on a daily basis.

Thank you….for the smoke blowing. I appreciate it.

Monday, July 19, 2010

You're going to fry the twins!

Hello my little chickens.  How was your weekend?

Mine you ask?  Welll - let me just say the anti-social Draz is becoming a freaking butterfly.  Friday on the way home from work I turned on my phone cuz it was 95 degrees and we had no plans so I called a friend.  Did you read that correctly?  First - I turned on my cell yah...I was going to use it. invite a friend...spontaneously.  I think I've turned into someone else.

The friend came over with her three little girls until like 8pm.  My neighbor ended up bringing her 3 kids over too.  I even had a major day planned the next day which is another victory in itself.  Normally the next day's plans would be enough excuse for me to do nothing - because I'd need that night to mentally prepare for the next day.

Wanna know something else?  I mentioned it was hot.  Soooo I was in a bikini and I even let it all hang out in front of these people.  I did not give a damn.  My mom even came later and I showed her my tattoo instead of hiding it.  I'm telling you - I am not me. 

Saturday was a 200 mile motorcycle ride.  I only knew a handful of people but that didn't stop me.  I made conversation, I laughed, I had a great time.  With people I didn't know.  I didn't get sick to my stomach or get a migraine.  The world didn't swallow me up whole.

One guy I rode with took me aside and said, "Damn, you look good."  I smacked him.  AND I got whistled at by a bunch of guys sitting on their porches drinking beer.  Yes, they may have been drunk and therefore blind but still - they whistled.  I'm counting it cuz let's be honest - I have no real NSV's.

I ended the weekend with a hot bath with the hubby.  Possibly too hot.  I got in and got the water going and realized it was a bit hot so I cooled it a little.  Apparently not enough.  Rambo got in and said, "Holy shit, YOU'RE GOING TO FRY THE TWINS!"  I said, "Oh come on wussy, I'm in here, it can't be that bad."  He says, "You don't have balls, honey or other hanging parts that are sensitive to things like temperature."  Is it wrong that I thought it was funny?

Oh and I read a little more of my running book.  Here's another tip I found helpful.  In my daily life this rule does NOT apply. In fact this technique is something I am fiercely trying to break every day. What I’m talking about is where you look. Since I can remember I have hated looking people in the eye so I keep my head down and even walk with my head down. I have literally run into people because of this habit. I hate it. I want to walk with my head up and my back straight…proudly and with confidence. And I’m changing that. When I find myself doing it – you’ll see me in mid-stride – change it after I tell myself to “look up and stop it”.

In running though this habit is good for me. When I approached the hill the other night – at the END of my 4 miles when I was very tired and already drenched in sweat I could clearly see the entire 1 mile hill…if I chose to. It looked ominous…like a mountain really. So yah, I chose not to. Head down on I went. The book says to literally look at your feet – watch one foot go in front of the other and in that moment know that in the next moment all you have to do is put your other foot out one more time. One. After. The. Other. Surely you can do that. It’s one step.

Mind game? Maybe. Does it work for me? Yup.

I can tell you I had no idea how much of that hill I had in front of or behind me and that’s how I wanted it. Had I seen what seemed like something impossible looming in front of me – I would have walked some of it for sure. It seems I do my best running mantra chanting in this mode too. I see nothing but my feet and I chant and I ask the hill to come run with me…and I make it through.

I'm still chanting *dig deep - keep running* or *I am a runner*.  What's your exercise/running mantra? 

Friday, July 16, 2010

BYOC Friday!!!!! ♥♪ Bring Your Own Craziness ♥♪

It’s give your brain a break Friday – BYOC! A whole blog entry ready for the taking….just copy and paste the questions into your blog and answer away. It’s our way of getting to know new and old bloggers a little better! Enjoy!

1. Because I’m going hardcore on Monday to lose my last 15 before vacation I’m curious….what’s the oddest diet you have tried? Or which ones have you tried and were any successful?

• Hmmm I have only officially ever done Weight Watchers….I attended meetings for a while and I do believe this is a diet that works and you can maintain forever and nothing is off limits if you stay in your point range. It worked for me a long time. Because of WW, I know calorie counts and where I should be in a day to lose weight and such so for me it was well worth doing. 

I’m pretty sure in the last 10 years I’ve bought a bottle of Hydroxycut and Metabolite but I still have both bottles. I buy them in a fit of desperation and then get too scared to take them so I have no idea if they work!

2. Do you prefer baths or showers?

• Call me crazy but baths. I haven’t taken a shower in years. I take a bath – a big hot one – every morning – no matter if I’m running late or not. It’s my thing for me every day. It’s one thing I won’t give up or compromise on. I made a promise to myself years ago it was one thing I’d do every day for me – because it makes me happy.

And baths are special to me cuz usually I take one every night with the hubby. We don’t even have some big jetted whirlpool or anything. We have a normal tub and we squeeze our chubby bodies into it and sit there – no TV, no radio, no kids and we talk about the day and he holds me, washes my back and sometimes my hair. We usually sit there until the water is cold. It’s my favorite time of the day. So yah, baths!

3. What is your favorite breakfast food?

• Toss up between cinnamon rolls and pop tarts. Yes, people – I’m aware it’s no big mystery why I was overweight.

4. What’s your least favorite word?

• This one is so easy…’d be the C word. You know – the one that rhymes with shunt or runt or punt… yah….you get the picture right?  Call me that and I'll bring out the AK47....just saying.

5. Repeat question…make someone a Superstar for a day! Whose blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you the most this week and why?

* Grace got to me again when she was feeling so down, I’m happy Steph got so many comments on her brother/mother blog and TessieRose’s blog was heartbreaking….I just want you all to be HAPPY….you know, like in CareBear Land. The comments on my compulsive blog all spoke to me….so thank you all for that.

Oh and PS - I'd love to give you all a pic of my tattoo but it photographs bad cuz the ladybugs wind up my foot onto my ankle and I can't get them all and the pics don't do it justice...and I'm weird and am afraid you'll all secretly think it looks terrible cuz of how it photographs but feel obligated to tell me it's cute.  You'll have to see it in person in Chicago - with all the other ones!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

BP's Final Option....

I swear - women have to figure everything out.

Can you guys do me a favor....for Leah?

Once a week I try to find a new blogger to pay it forward and this week it's Leah at Marshmallow Fluff.  She leaves me the sweetest comments and I'd love it if you popped over there to check out her blog....cuz we all love followers!


She is here.

Just call me Dupid.

Mmkkkaaayyy my raindrops…..I’m just going to warn you that this is going to be mucho randomness. I can’t think straight today to save my ass….

1. First – I need to apologize. I have been craptastic and shitabulous at commenting this week on your blogs. I’ve indeed been craperrific at just about everything I’ve done this week so it’s nothing personal. Please know I haven’t been absent….I have been reading every one….so my spirit is with you even if my comments aren’t.

2. It’s 117 with the heat index here and you know what I want do be doing? Running. This is when I love to run the most. When it nearly kills me and I get a huge sweat detox and burn a gazillion calories. Even my little girl’s soccer game got cancelled due to heat. That’s probably good. At the last game, I stood up and had sweat marks on my shirt and in the creases of my shorts where my legs bend. Can you say sexy? Gross. Have I mentioned I’m a sweater? I should lose a pound a day just in sweat…but nope…I just sweat to be pretty I guess.

3. Speaking of running – you may be thinking – well duh – then why doesn’t she just go run? Cuz I’m dupid. Yes dupid. That would be dumbass stupid – dupid. I got a tattoo on my foot. I even have a motorcycle ride all day Saturday in which I usually wear boots…my tattoo artist nearly refused to do my foot tattoo when she found that out. She wants no shoes for 7-10 days. She might as well have taken a poo in my Cheerios. I begged her to do it – told her I’d wear flip flops on the motorcycle if I had to. Yes, folks, my mother would scream bloody murder if she knew that. Then again if we wreck….way more than my feet are gonna get hurt so I’m not sure if it matters. Anywhoozle – I cannot run either – no tennis shoes you know? If I said I was okay with that and it wasn’t making me call myself a no good dupid lazy person – I’d be lying. Oh and the tattoo is 4 ladybugs – purple, pink, blue and green. I wish Jenny was here to tell me she loved it cuz I’m just not sure.

4. Remember the cancelled soccer game? Well I had to call my parents to tell them it was cancelled. My Dad answered. I nearly dropped the phone. Remember how I don’t call people or answer the phone except for a select group of people? Well suffice it to say in my 35 years of life I have only spoken to my Dad on the phone maybe 5 times. He absolutely wouldn’t pick up the phone when I was growing up – ever. Anyway – he picked up, I picked myself up off the floor and said “the game is cancelled.” He said, “Well tell that little girl of yours we would have been there tonight okay?” I did. And my heart soared. One sentence and the fact that he made plans to come to a game for my little girl when he never attended one thing for me….well…it’s priceless.

5. I’ve decided to do something radical to lose weight before vacation. It’s also before I have my yearly checkup and I need to see if at my goal weight my cholesterol and BP indeed are normal or if that’s just a fantasy. If at goal weight my numbers don’t improve then meds are going to come into play but I will never know unless I get to goal.

I’m meeting nearly every relative my husband has soon and for this anxiety ridden woman – wow – can you say overload? Being at goal weight would sure make feeling good physically a lot easier so I can deal with the mega mental stress I’ll be going through. 7 days with the in-laws and people I’ve never met and swimming pools and 2 kids in a 17 hour car ride. You may never see me again. Anywhoozle…don’t hate me….it’s just something I need to do. And I’ve got flab to spare – I promise.

BYOC tomorrow – hope you come along for the ride.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Compulsive much?

Please direct all comments to Joey if you hate this post. It’s her fault. She sent me a book and being the good little Joey-stalker I am, I am reading it.

And now I am scared.

Yup, Miss big hairy balls of steel Mama Pimp here – is frightened. Like Dorothy in the Bad Witch’s castle kind of frightened.

Let’s just first say I read a lot of self-help books. I’m all about living on a quest to make me better….cuz I believe who I am right now isn’t good enough. Yes, yes, I realize that’s a flaw in itself…I’m working on that. Anywhoozle….this book….well this book scares me so much, speaks to me so much, is exactly what I’m thinking so much that I’m scared to keep reading it. I’m scared of the truth.

But not scared enough. I’ll keep reading. There’s no turning back now. Since I began this blog in 2010 – I have grown in ways too big to measure. No – not my cheesecurd-filled ass people. I don’t mean I grew sideways…I mean my heart and soul and mind have grown in ways I never thought possible. I can’t explain it and I can’t reason it out. I can only be grateful. And I can only keep going….face my fears, live in the moment, never regret….and even learn to let go.

Because sometimes I actually like to impart a teeny bit of knowledge to my readers, I’m going to tell you what I learned in reading last night. I’ll make it quick I swear. The jist of it is all about a word.


I hate that word.  It makes me feel not good inside.  I would not have ever said I was compulsive about anything – until now. I mean I’m anal and OCD about certain things – but compulsive…that’s just being a plain old nutburger. And that I am not.

Or am I?

Each morning I weigh. My mood is definitely affected by the number there. It defines what I wear – heels or flats. Dress or frumpy jean shorts. It defines how fancy I do my hair or if I put on extra eyeshadow.

By 6am, I’ve planned my meals for the whole day before I plan a single meeting or deadline or family event.

If I eat well, my mood improves. If not, the negative self-talk starts. If there are snacks around, I’m torked at the person who brought them. If it’s someone’s birthday I’m mad we’re having ice cream – instead of just celebrating a birthday. I think about how much I’ll have to run to burn it off. I think about how I should eat less supper now that I had ice cream.

I think about wanting another soda but talk myself out of it for a good hour or so.

I think all day about what time I can sneak in a run later on. If I cannot run, negative self-talk begins again. It’s a wasted day. Can you imagine? A day is crap due to what I ate or didn’t exercise. How’s that for taking joy in living in the moment? I wiped out all the joy….over what?

Food.  Weight.  Exercise.  Goal.

If I wasn’t thinking about where we’d eat this weekend, would I see the beauty in the sunrise instead? If I wasn’t thinking about how today is the day I’ll get back on track, would I notice my beautiful daughter’s smiles more?

If I wasn’t writing down what I ate…would I be writing a love letter instead?

If I wasn’t tracking my exercise, would I be outside playing with my girls?

If I wasn’t dieting, who would I be?

If I wasn’t seeing flaws in the mirror and too many fat rolls, would I see the beauty that is me instead?

If I wasn’t counting calories, would I be counting blessings?

Food and exercise and goals….it’s 24/7. I could lie and say it isn’t. But it is. It starts at first weigh-in and stops when I lay my head down to sleep and think about how I ate and worked out that day and how tomorrow will be better.

And without this compulsion….well….who knows? Imagine if I added up the minutes I wasted thinking or planning about food and exercise and put it towards something else…like my dreams, wants, wishes, hopes or even towards helping someone else.

Right now it is my protection – from having to take the initiative to worry about those pesky dreams and hopes – cuz this is more important. It gives me a free pass from working on my inner self. It is my reason for everything. If I’m dieting or never happy with my body – then I can focus on that and NOT focus on the things that are really wrong inside. I can pretend it is the reason nothing else goes quite right. 24/7 for years I’ve made it my thing – on purpose – so much so that “until I’m at goal” the rest of me is on hold. It gives me something to do, something to plan for, a goal, an initiative, a reason to keep trying….it is a job. It has become who I am.

For just one second I have to ask myself – if not for this elusive thin goal – the planning, thinking, working out, dieting, berating, congratulating – what and who would I be?

I do not know. I’ve never let myself be that person. I’ve let myself pretend that the ONLY thing I’m needing to fix in my life – inside and outside – is my weight. I’ve told myself unconsciously that I’ll let all the other dreams out and deal with all the inside hurt – WHEN – I get to goal. WHEN I’m done with this endeavor…knowing full well that may indeed be never.

Even when I get to goal – then the endeavor will be to maintain…and it’ll be a daily cross to bear. Daily journaling, watching, planning, working out. I’ll make it my thing – to never go back there, to keep moving forward, to stay mindful of my health.

It defines me. This journey defines me and I let it.

Cuz defining what’s underneath this journey is just too painful to face.

Until now. This journey is not me. I am so much more. You just wait and see.

I Wish Wednesday...

It’s I Wish Wednesday for me. All week long I remain prim and proper and hold in things I’d like to scream like “OMG – they let YOU have kids?” and I write them here….just for your reading pleasure and my sanity. Enjoy.

1. To a certain family member that swears her birthday is “just another day she doesn’t care about” – I wish you’d stop being a liar. If you’re going to lie – at least be good at it. When my four old is covered in chocolate and tells me she didn’t steal my candy bar – she’s more believable. I know it’s your birthday. I wish it wasn’t. I wish you’d realize the world doesn’t revolve around you but *sigh* - apparently it does.

2. To myself – the husband seducer. Oh girls…I have created a monster. Now we go to bed. I am near sleeping. Rambo jumps in bed. He puts his “thing” as close to me as possible and says, “Okay, I’m ready to be molested again. You can start any time.” Penis in the air ready for molesting….yes, goodnight honey, sweet f*cking dreams you horn dog. Right before I seduced him the other night I wish I would have made him sign a contract that made him aware this was a one time deal.

3. And while we’re on this topic let’s just keep going. I wish I wasn’t so hot. Now before you throw tomatoes at me and call me an arrogant witch…let me finish. I wish I wasn’t so hot…in his eyes. Okay I’m’s kinda fun BUT it doesn’t bode well for getting anything done. Let me explain. It is summer. It is hotter than Satan’s crotch here (to quote Steph). I don’t give a good damn who sees me in a bikini. I paid $5000 for this stomach – dammit – people should pay ME to get a glimpse of it. I wear bikinis – sun up to sun down. It is not smart. I am unable to walk past the husband without getting molested. A boob is popped out. The bottoms are yanked up my behind with the comment, “Hmm…it looks even better that way.” Yah, I should wear a g-string around all day – as if this isn’t inappropriate enough. I get taken to the bedroom. I get mauled in corners. I get nothing done. I’m just saying. I wish I wasn’t so hot…to him….sort of.

4. To the people that pay their water bills with bad checks – um – I’d rather you didn’t pay at all. Turning your checks over to the cops and charging you a fee and having to see you at the local gas station is embarrassing. I’d rather you just didn’t pay than go through that humiliation – for you and for me. I wish you knew that if the money isn’t there – the check won’t clear. It’s basic math. I wish you’d get a second and third job like me so this didn’t happen.

5. To the guy who got demoted at the prison for sleeping with a co-worker and sending racist emails….I wish your wife would poison you. Oh that’s right – she can’t – she’s out cheating on you too. I wish you weren’t able to re-interview for a job my husband clearly outranks you for. I wish you weren’t such a good ass-kisser. I wish people saw you for what you are. Scum. Sometimes I wish you were behind the bars instead of outside of them.

6. To the asshole family member that had the nerve to Facebook chat with me like a 5 year old…..I wish for one second you’d wake the f*ck up and realize you’re a grown man. I asked this person a simple question – how are you? To that he answered, “I am not okay, lots of things are wrong, tell everyone I’m fine and pray for me.” WHAT????? When I asked what and why – I got nothing. What are we 12? If you want to talk – great – I’m here. If you want to lead me on and make me worry – get in f*cking line. I invent things to worry about so I don’t need you to add to it. I am not a puppet. I wish you’d just grow up….literally….it’s time.

7. To my 4 year old who makes me laugh – I wish you’d never grow up. Last night I was tucking her in and laid down beside her. I only had underwear on. I lay down for cuddle time and next thing I know she’s sitting up and WHAP – she slapped my boob. Just gave it a good ol smack and the boob goes a’swinging. She said, “You have nice big boobies mom.” Oh stop laughing – it was dark – she couldn’t see they actually look like shriveled grapes outlined by scars. She’s lucky I have almost no feeling in my boobs or seriously it would have hurt. At 4, there’s no shame, no embarrassment – just a mom and her boob and a whack. It’s part of the reason you’ll find me in a bikini or naked a lot in my own home. I don’t want my girls to think I hate my body or have them see me try to hide it or point out my flaws. I walk around naked – proudly – not hiding, not ashamed….so they will some day not be ashamed to do that same thing. I wish my 4 year old would stop smacking boobs though. The next time she tries that with her Grandma – welll… won’t be a fun day for Momma.

8. Lastly, this one goes out to Martha Stewart (co-worker). If she’s not blowing her nose like a beached whale (I swear her and Explosive Man could make music with their bodily function noises), she’s giggling like a 12 year old school girl. You know that giggle. The fake, I’m only giggling to impress you and shove my face up your ass so you’ll like me giggle………OMG – I wish she’d choke on her own spit during a giggle episode. I wish coffee would come out her nose when she chokes. I wish it would run down her designer shirt and she’d have to walk around all day like that. Or I just wish she’d choke. That’d be enough.

So there you have it. Another wistful episode of “I Wish Wednesday”. I’m all better now. Anyone joining me this week? What do you wish for in your wildest dreams?

Please do not say melted white Mexican cheese.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

White melted Mexican orgasm in a bowl.

It’s a bullet kind of day….which goes well with my gun shooting blog from yesterday don’t you think? Yes, yes, I know I’m not as funny as I think I am.

• First, many of you asked what book I’m reading to prepare for my marathon. It is called the Non-Runner’s Marathon Trainer by David Whitsett. I told someone yesterday that even if I never do a marathon, the book will have been worth it for the mental strategies I’ve already learned.

• Today is shoe porn 5 inch heel day…and in honor of that I have a little tip for you. While walking around your house in 5 inch heels try to remember that you are taller with them on – cuz you will smack your head on the corner of the cupboard that normally you’ve never even seen in your daily shortness. Yes. I smacked my head this morning and then was all surprised like “How did that cupboard get there? Why have I never had to watch out for that before?” Idiot. 5 inch heels….indeed make you taller. Wow. And ouch.

• Um I’m a whore…and it’s fun. I totally seduced the husband the other night. I mean the man was like seconds away from snoring and wham, bam, thank you mam….enter me….and enter earth-shattering dessert. Yes. I’m completely aware none of you want to hear any of this. However, ME seducing him is quite rare…and I still can’t quite figure out why I did it. Newfound confidence maybe? Hmm…could be.

• A package arrived in the mail the other day. From California. I know no one from California….well except an Uncle who has been stoned on weed since the early 1980s so I’m pretty sure he can’t even hold a pen to write so it’s not from him. I open it. Shut the front door! It’s a book from Joey. Our Joey. And she even wrote me a little letter. I have framed said letter for when Joey becomes famous so some day I can pawn said letter for millions of dollars and retire….all courtesy of Joey. *Side note: I have begun reading this book – it scares the hell out of me. I’m sure I’ll blog about it later. It’s by Geneen Roth. It’s called When Food is Love. In CareBear Land I pretend I was overweight cuz I ate too much….and there’s nothing behind it other than that. Um…yah…probably not so much.

• Today is a big day. I’m going to disappoint and piss off my mother…again. You guessed it…I’m getting a tattoo. On my foot. A few colored ladybugs this time….and I’m nervous. This is how sick I am. I’m nervous it will swell so I won’t be able to work out. Wow. Insane huh? Well rest assured the other part of me is thinking, “Woohoo – I have a totally valid excuse NOT to work out!”

• I forgot to tell you all that this weekend when my best friend Jenny was here that she is as crazy as me and she proved it. We were in Cabela’s – the man/hunting/fishing store where the women stand around and tap their foot and roll their eyes obsessively saying “are you done yet” to their men. We saw a princess butterfly catching net. And yes, Jenny took it upon herself to “flit” about Cabela’s like a fairy pretending to catch butterflies – even flipping her little leg up each time she flitted like the proper fairies do. Any of you ever flitted? It’s fun – you should try it. Don’t ask me to define it. It’s what happens as soon as you pick up a princess butterfly catching net. I’ve never been more proud of my bestie than in that moment…lol.

• Also forgot to mention we ate at a Mexican joint. I always order beef and nachos with that liquid white cheese stuff on it. No one at our table knows the name of that stuff. I proceeded to ask the Mexican waiter. I say, “What is the name of that white liquid stuff that tastes like melted liquid cheese…and it’s white…and melted…and liquid…you know like cheese?” (Yes, I have such a way with words….I speak so eloquently huh?) First he flipped me off. Okay – no – but he wanted to. And ready? Here’s his answer. “It’s called “cheese sauce”.” I thought Jenny’s husband might fall off his chair. Cheese sauce? That’s it?? Are you freaking kidding me? It’s like a bowl of melted white heaven and you give me “cheese sauce”? Whatever. I’m sticking with my name for it – which is – white melted Mexican orgasm in a bowl. No – not as catchy as cheese sauce but still.

• Every Sunday I make all my breakfasts and lunches for the whole week at work. Well today I forgot my breakfast. Translation: You now have permission to go to the vending machine and buy a cookie for breakfast. Way to go Draz. Might as well go have the Pizza Hut buffet for lunch.

• Lastly – on my quest to face my fears and stop being so anti-social and afraid to live I want to report that over the last week I have successfully picked up the phone every time it has rung. I spontaneously invited friends over for pizza and did not suffer a heart attack. I even called a second friend to come too. I did not worry and obsess about Jenny coming on Saturday. I signed up for a free fitness class here at work which puts me WAY out of my comfort zone. I forced myself to do all these things…in an effort to not live in a prison….turns out I held the key the whole time. I was just too afraid to use it. And it turns out life is a hell of a lot more fun outside the prison walls….scary as hell….but so worth it.

PS - I Wish Wednesday can't come soon enough....I've been pissed off so many times in the last week that we should have two Wednesdays this week.  I'm just've been warned.  Anyone gonna join me this week?

Friday, July 9, 2010

BYOC - Bring Your Own Craziness...

BYOC everyone!  5 questions - some funny, some serious - we answer in our blogs to get to know each other better and to ease our fried brains on Fridays!

1.  Love or money?  High salary or job satisfaction?

* rather than money (though money sure helps lol) and for the second one - both.  I don't think I would settle for just one unless it was a conscious choice.  I want job satisfaction and a salary I'm happy with and I'm lucky enough to have that.

2.  What is your favorite time of day?

*  Is it bad if I say breakfast, lunch and dinner here?  Okay fine...I'd have to say night.  I used to be quite the night owl and I like the dark for the same reasons I like the rain.  It's cuddly and romantic and it's right before sleep and I love me some sleep.

3.  My in-laws just had their wills done so it made me wonder this.  Do you have a will?  Did you tell anyone your wish to be kept alive or not?

* This seems morbid I suppose BUT it's so important and it irritates the hell out of me that my parents refuse to do it.  Wills aren't for the dead...they are for the ones left here living.  I've had one since shortly after I got married and even had to tell my mom she'd have to pull the plug on me if it came to that.  I've given my kids to non-relatives and told them how I want them raised.  It was hard...but so necessary.  I'm so thankful my husband's parents finally did it.

4.  Repeat question.  Pick one thing for one day you'll do next week that aids in your physical or mental health.

*  I successfully met my 64oz of water goal from last week and seriously - no lie - I'm almost doing it every day now.  My goal this week is to meditate - Wednesday - for just 15 minutes.  I know the benefits of meditating and so want it to be part of my daily routine and maybe this will jump start that.

5.  Repeat questions.  Make someone a superstar for a moment...whose comment or blog stuck with you this week and why.

* Grace's blogs come to mind...she's on the cusp of something big...I know it and she has been through so much and comes out standing tall.  Steph's blog really broke my heart and I hope she heals.  Julie's blog was so courageous about the abuse she has suffered and I wish her peace.  And so many others....all the comments on my running blog were so was such an accomplishment for me and your comments were just icing on the cake.  I love you all!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Hello friends....come run with me.

I’m so excited I might pee my pants. Now yes, I realize what I’m about to say is indeed not really a big deal but in Drazil’s CareBear Land of farting gumdrops and peeing rainbows…trust me…it is. Please react accordingly (which would be lots of screaming and cartwheels and comments with exclamation points).

After a 5 day hiatus from working out – I ran last night. Dare I say I ran like the wind? Okay not really…sometimes I practically hobbled like a 90 year old woman…..but get this! I ran the WHOLE time….UP HILLS….for 4 miles. And um it’s close to 100 degrees in humidity here. I averaged 12.7 minute miles. I got home and screamed to my husband “I never stopped once baby” and he high-fived me in the middle of doing his elliptical Satan machine. I could see he was proud of me. It was a good moment.

Now truth be told I used to run nearly 6 miles every day but that’s been at least a year or two ago…and I never did it outside, in 100 degree weather, and up hills.

You should have seen me recovering. I looked like some Indian war hero coming back from battle laying out his winnings. I laid out my shirt to properly inspect that it was soaked. Then the shorts which were equally soaked and the bra I could wring out. Mission accomplished. You’re lucky you guys didn’t get another sweaty boob picture. Can I just say my boobs are to die for when they are all sweaty? Yes, that was arrogant. Forgive me. It rarely happens.

I finished the day at under 600 cals due to the run and dropped a solid 2 lbs this morning. Lest some of you think I’ve crossed over into obsession diet/exercise land – calm down. One day of 600 cals won’t kill me…I’ve still got Sheniqua hanging on my flanks to help me out. I’ve got fat reserves….I ain’t gonna starve any time soon.

And just so I can pretend that maybe someone might learn something from my blog beyond the fact that I hate poop and puke and have no bikini razor burn…I want to say this.

Oh wait – just a second. I just thought of something else. A while ago I read a blog where someone was talking about how running/exercising made them emotional. I had never felt this. I have felt the runner’s high many times and it’s seriously addicting – but not emotions. Until last night. We all know this week has been “odd” for me in the way of remembering my Uncle who took his own life. Truth be told – it’s been a long time since it happened….and I really don’t think about him often anymore as I have healed…but this week was different and I can’t pinpoint why.

Anyway last night I tried a new route without giving it a thought. It led me past his grave. ½ mile before I got there I realized what I had done and I had to dig deep to hold it together as I saw his name when I ran by. I swear to you with everything in my body at that moment I saw and felt him running beside me. I can’t explain it…but he was with me. And I don’t believe in coincidences so picking that route wasn’t an accident. I was led there.

Okay on to the educational learning part I promised. I know some of you are runners, were runners or want to become runners. I have a mentor at work who just completed a marathon and I am reading a book he recommended. In case you never have the time to read such a book, I’ll impart some of the things I’m learning from it. Just two things today – in just one chapter – that have helped me immensely already.

Number one is this. The book says when you are running and all of a sudden your bad knees start to feel pain or your feet start to hurt or your back hurts or you come up on a huge hill you dread….that you should recognize the feeling and in your head, literally say, “Hi hill, come run with me.” Or “Hello aching knees, I’ve been waiting for you to show up, come run with me.” This sounds ridiculous. I know this. Um but yah, it works. I did it with the hills – my first hills ever I ran – and I never stopped.

Number two is this. Adopt a new mantra – about running and about life. The mantra is to add “but it doesn’t matter” to the end of everything. For running it goes like this. You might say or think “it’s going to rain today” – ADD “but it doesn’t matter.” Or “I didn’t get much sleep last night….but it doesn’t matter.” Or “I don’t think I feel like running today…but it doesn’t matter.”

In life you might say “I don’t think life is fair…but it doesn’t matter.” “I don’t think Bob likes me…but it doesn’t matter.” Etc. Etc.

The theory is – life just *is*…but it doesn’t matter….do what you have to do anyway. It really doesn’t matter if it’s raining – you can still run. It really doesn’t matter if life isn’t fair – you can still live like it is. Nothing matters enough to make me quit or to make me stop learning, growing, thriving and loving. It’s basically a way of taking every excuse for every single part of your life and saying “yah, but it doesn’t matter.” – so get up and get going.

And lo and behold…it’s been working for me.

I think my mentor and the book are right. Running (and life in general) are only about 20% physical and 80% mental. They say anyone can run a marathon – our bodies are wonders that are made to withstand and endure most anything. It’s our minds that stop us.

I know this is true. My body was hurting and it was hot and I wanted to quit but I told my mind to knock it off. I chanted “dig deep” over and over and then I chanted “I am a runner” over and over so my body would believe it. And mostly I thought of all of you – and how fun it would be to come here and tell you all I never stopped.

When I run…I am never alone. You are all with me….right beside me.

Be well, my friends.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I Wish Wednesday....

It’s I Wish Wednesday for me. It’s my once a week wish list of all the things I would have liked to say and do over the past week but didn’t….out of sheer self control. On Wednesdays, I give myself permission to unleash it here. Some good, some bad…but either way…it feels good to get it out… bear with me as I step off the deep end for a moment.

1. To the 20 year old who just moved in next door who thinks that mufflers on cars are an option. They aren’t. When I can hear you coming and going all the way up at my house in the middle of sleeping it’s a problem. I wake up and think I’m in the middle of an earthquake and lo and behold I’m not – it’s your effing car! For real. I wish you’d buy a muffler. And if you don’t….I wish my kids accidentally smear honey all over your windshield.

2. To the lovely family member who called me 6 times in one day and only left one message….I wish telemarketers would call you every time you sit down to go pee – even on weekends. I called you back because after 6 calls I figured it must be urgent. I find out you called to ask if my brother’s girlfriend died. WHAT? Um no. Pretty sure I’d know about that. No you don’t have to ask me 16x if I’m sure. I wish you’d get your information straight before you’d call me. I wish you’d realize I can hardly talk to you on the phone without reaching through it and strangling you.

3. To the mother who called our house at 9:30pm to ask if I kept a school paper from months ago – um – I wish the Bird of Paradise would fly up your nose. We go to bed at 8pm. We wake up at 4am. I wish you knew that so I could be legitimately mad at you.

4. To the smartass who thinks it’s a good idea to drink or eat virtually nothing but Mountain Dew all day….I wish an elephant would step on your toes. Maybe then you’d wake up. Maybe then you wouldn’t eat enough to feed all of Ethopia for supper. I wish you’d be smarter than this. (Um yes, this one is for me.)

5. To the asshole that invented gumdrops and Starbursts. I wish I could stick pins in your eyes until you swore never to make another one of the sugar filled pieces of Heaven.

6. To the lady at the party this weekend who has a trainer and has to tell me – a perfect stranger – about it 16x in the span of an hour….well I wish your trainer could have seen you eat that 4th cookie. To your trainer who put you on the Atkins diet for the last 4 weeks I wish she had to eat that way. I wish she could see you can’t do that for a lifetime and I wish she could hear you tell people you are “starving”. Man, I wish you’d just shut up. I’d rather eat dirt than hear about your sugar withdrawals. I have my own Starburst issues. See #5 above.

7. And lastly, to you Draz….for keeping your Uncle’s memory alive this weekend on his anniversary. For facing your fears and attending parties when even months ago you would have cancelled with a lame excuse. For holding it together when teenagers drinking made you feel a fear you haven’t faced in years. For not killing your children during the 6 hours you were in the car - you deserve a trophy. For making it through yesterday – the whole day – without crawling into bed and closing out the world. For getting a migraine last night and still coming in to work today. For learning to live in the moment and not living with regrets. I wish you peace. And I wish for just one moment…that you could see and acknowledge the strength of your spirit. I wish you could not be so hard on yourself. I wish you the endurance it will take to keep going in this journey.

What do you *wish* today?

Oh and today is my BYOC weekly goal day. 64oz of water AND no sugar in the form of candies, desserts, baked goods, etc. I so have this….I think. LOL

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Little Miss Vaia.....

Mmkkaayy my loverlies...I was just reading one of the new blogs I found.  She's the sweetest girl and always has the nicest comments and could use some more blogger love and support.  Hop on over and follow her if you want...and tell her I sent you....

She is here.

I have to go on.

Really? I mean really?

I find it so disheartening that nearly 5 years into my health journey it is still easy to go adrift and run amuck. The weekend was filled with gluttony and non-exercise….and I’m pissed at how easy it is to slip. You’d think by now it’d be pure habit to stay on track wouldn’t you? How in the hell am I going to run a marathon when I’ve missed 4 days of exercise? I know – that’s not a lot – unless you are marathon training…which I technically haven’t started yet…but still. You have a training schedule and you stick to it or you don’t complete the marathon. It’s really very simple. And very complex. Especially for those of us who like to see how much sugar I can eat before going into a coma or how many Mountain Dews I can consume and still go to sleep.

I knew 8 people at the party this weekend I attended. Only 8. And two of them were under the age of 7 so that doesn’t really count. I wanted to run and hide the whole time but I pretended and I laughed and I talked….like normal people do. No one would have guessed I’m a nutcase.

So the holiday weekend was good but I have a mental hangover. Being social nearly every day isn’t just fun or busy time for me…it’s draining and exhausting. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy it because I do once I get there but the act of getting there and being nervous the whole time and anxious about what’s next just sucks the life out of me. And I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t piss me off.

I thought I made huge strides and now I’m not so sure. Especially in the fear department. There were teenagers drinking at the grad party I went to and while most people thought it was funny or okay that it was supervised or watchful….you know what I was? Scared. Scared they’d get caught, scared their parents had no idea what they were doing, scared of my girls one day being those teens, scared one of them would over-drink, scared something would get broken….just scared. And why? Even if all those things happened – the world wouldn’t end. Life would go on. I’d still be crazy.

I hate that kind of fear. I don’t mean I was a little afraid. I mean fast heart beating, exhausting, choke you to death if you let it fear. And I hate even more that I feel it. I hate that it taints my experiences. I hate that this fear is caused by a simple alcoholic liquid. I hate that I can’t look beyond what alcohol has done to me and my family over the years and just see it for what it is now.

Since I was at a family gathering that always means I have to talk about the flood. Relatives ask out of concern and the stories and emotions come and the resentment “floods” back to me over being the only sibling who dealt with it every day. Someone had the nerve to say “I’m sure it brought you closer.” Um no….it didn’t…and that’s another tragedy in itself.

I was with my Uncle – the brother of the Uncle who killed himself. I didn’t want to talk about it – but I did. His name came up over and over. I didn’t want it to. I found out that since the day of his suicide not one of his 8 other siblings have owned a gun…and they were all avid hunters. I told my uncle that the day before my Uncle killed himself he came to our house and told my Dad of his plans….but he was drunk again and so was my Dad…and my Dad didn’t believe him. And now my Dad lives with that. I didn’t want to tell him that story…but it came out.

Today coming back to work was hard. I know it was hard for a lot of people – but for me, it’s almost not possible. And I hate my anxiety/depression for that. I want to revert to seeing and talking to no one and just stay home – in my safe box – and never leave. Even typing this is hard because I hate the kind of person it makes me. Weak. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

And why? Because I had 3.5 days off and went to a party.


But I’ll fight it. I’ll keep pressing on. I will put on brave face and say my weekend was great. I will plow through my work today and no one will know on the inside I am screaming. I like to say 10 years later that my depression/anxiety are under control and don’t affect me and weekends like this prove me wrong. I am not really okay. And maybe that’s okay.

It makes me realize I can’t get cocky. I have to take care of me. I have to run again. I have to eat right again. I have to keep fighting the fears.

I have to go on.

Friday, July 2, 2010

BYO-F-C….That’s Bring Your Own *Freaking* Crazy….

….3.5 day weekend on the horizon and 24/7 time with my husband and kids……all this puts Drazil in a spunky, grateful mood… let’s get freaking crazy today! I believe we’ll have some newcomers to BYOC this week so just for them…

BYOC is 5 little questions – some funny, some serious – that we answer to get to know each other better and it’s a free blog topic for Fridays when our blog brains are fried before the weekend! Feel free to join us! Post the questions and answers in your own blog!

1. Seeing that it’s a patriotic holiday of sorts I thought of this one: Where were you on September 11th?

• I was at work. I was one of the first here and we heard of the first crash and like so many, thought it was an accident….until we heard of the second. All of us stood in an office, holding hands, and prayed. It is the only time we have ever been moved to do that. All different women, all different backgrounds, all different religions – united in tragedy.  We weren't co-workers that day...we were Americans. The company I work for works on safety systems for every plane that flies in the sky….the emotions were just inexplicable to everyone at work that day...and forever after.

2. What is your idea of fun? If given the chance to skip work/life for an entire day, what would you do? (assume you’d be by yourself)

• Years ago a day alone would have been horrible for me…I didn’t want to be alone with me. Too many demons…but today…I crave alone time. It rejuvenates me and makes me more whole for when together time comes.

I would sleep in until 9am, then pedicure, manicure, massage and then I’d probably lay out in a pool on a floatie all day all oiled up like some Greek goddess. I’d make sure my love slave Paco was nearby to bring me ice cold Pepsi too.

3. Suggestion from a follower. Some blog questions.

How many blogs do you follow? Right now a little over 250

Do you read them all or just your faves? I read almost every one that comes up in my Dashboard.

Do you comment a little, a lot, on all? I think I can safely say a lot here. Comments make my day and to repay that seems so gratifying and I’m happy to do it…it’s free and it’s the least I can do to pay it forward after what you guys do for me.

Have you ever unfollowed someone because of something they said or you didn’t like their blog? Just once.

Do you routinely unfollow and why? I do.  Don't throw stones at me please. I *ONLY* unfollow blogs who have not blogged in months or have stated they will not continue blogging cuz then I know they won’t miss me and I won’t hurt their feelings. If I didn’t do this cleaning every once in a while I’d be following at least 500 blogs by now I’m sure and I don’t think that’s completely do-able.

4. Repeat question. Pick one day and one healthy thing you’ll do for just that day next week.

Hmmm…this little goal thing has seriously helped me. I’m having water races with Carmen since we both said we’d get in 64 oz and now it is so much easier. I’m going to say next Wednesday another 64 ounces AND no sugar in the form of candy or dessert or baked goods. You joining me Carmen?

Remember these can be mental things too – like pampering yourself for one hour, journaling, meditating, etc.

5. Repeat "Make someone a superstar" question. Whose blog or blog comment stuck with you this week and why?

Well I have to say my little BFF’s blog hit me hard. It was so hard to see her so upset about a real issue she calls deflating elephant skin (skin issues after losing weight). I could hear the real terror in her voice. We had a great talk and some emails about this topic and that was good. I think she has officially come down off the ledge.

Sandy and I have been having fun about her threatening to de-follow me, Steph has a chin, Grace’s back is okay and she loses 16 lbs a day it seems, Joey got all thought-provoking, Gilly is in love with Doritoes, kagead is healing, Amy W is BACK, Jennifer is interviewing with penises and there’s Kristin and Amanda, DB, BG, Sarah's little girl went to camp, BandBabe is a freaking HAWT Grandma, my Rosebud, Jess and Mimi whose dad is healing, and Alexis and Jacquie who needs our prayers, JBS, Mrs Fatass who saved my coochie, Julie is floundering, Kim is back too, and I’ve got a bunch of new followers that are so kind in their comments….I’m so grateful for you all. Each one of you represents something different to me….and I really mean that.  I may forget to name you here...but I never forget you in my heart.

Have a safe 4th of July everyone!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

You hurt me still.

This weekend is Independence Day - parties will be hosted and fireworks will be going off everywhere.
I will watch and I will party too but there’s always this nagging thought that something isn’t there.

I see the bright colorful explosions and I hear the boom but in my head it turns into a gunshot.
Pretty sick that my last memory of you is a bullet….pretty sad that it’s the only thing I’ve got.

Drunk and 22 – you sat and took your own life and you killed a part of me that day.
I was only 15 and suicide wasn’t in my vocabulary and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay.

I used to be sad…but now I’m angry….because now I have two beautiful girls you’ll never meet.
All I can tell them is what I knew of you…and the words are laced with tears and they come out bittersweet.

I doubt you really meant to die…I can’t imagine your desperation or your internal pain.
I doubt you understand the hole you threw me into…I doubt you realize I nearly went insane.

The thought of you leaving with a simple bullet to your chin without even saying goodbye…
Is something I just can’t forgive you for no matter how much time passes or how hard I try.

I needed you dammit….why did you pretend to be my hero if all you wanted to do was die?
Why be my father figure if you were going to kill yourself and never tell me why?

I get your pain. I get your sorrow. I have been there too….courtesy of you.
But I got through the pain and I conquered the sorrow….I think you could have too.

But now we’ll never know – because you chose the easy way out.
I can say that because I know that living is harder without a single doubt.

I have two little girls who could have been the light in your eyes.
Now they only know of the Uncle who makes their Mommy cry.

Damn you for that….for keeping a tear in my eye and an ache in my heart…yes still.
I can’t stop hating you and I can’t stop loving you – and I doubt I ever will.

I go back to that 4th of July – and I am there and you never pull that trigger.
Though I have to believe you are happy now and that life is actually about something bigger.

It is about going on through the darkness, and it’s about staying here to live - not to die.
I guarantee I could have saved you, if only you’d have let me….but you didn’t even let me try.

So you sit in your Paradise with not a worry or a care…and I am here…still picking up the pieces.
Trying to explain how someone can die of their own will….to your two adorable great-nieces.

I hope you got what you wanted and I hope you understand that I still can’t let go..
And I hope you regret just a little and that you feel my tears every time they still flow.

Because they do flow, and they probably always will….
Because even this many years later – you hurt me still.

June - 0....Drazil - 1

Can I just say I very proudly kicked June’s ass? I have officially maintained my 10 lb weight loss for the year. Yes, I know – that sounds like a pea in a bucket in comparison to you rock stars kicking out 10 lbs in a month but as I get closer to goal it gets harder. I have less than 10 lbs to goal…and I am so going to do it. I always know when I’m in “the mode”. I can easily turn down food, I can get my water in, I choose to work out almost daily…my mind set completely changes. I feel that now…and I love it.


Days worked out:
Goal 20
Actual 20

Goal 50
Actual 68.5

Goal 5000
Actual 7415

Goal 10
Actual 18.32


Days worked out: 104 of 181 total
Miles: 307.7
Calories: 37503.2 (equals 10.7 lbs – interesting that’s what I’ve lost huh?)
Hours: 88.12

Oh and I finished my BYOC water challenge and got in my 64 oz….thanks to Carmen’s emails yesterday!

Bring on JULY baby!

July goals are:

Days worked out 20
Miles 55
Calories 6000
Hours 15

On a side note I just realized yesterday that I have 50 days until we leave for vacation to meet all of my husband’s relatives I have never met before…..and we will be swimming constantly and it’s in the 100s there every day. I won’t be wearing much for clothes except bikinis. My goal is to lose 10 lbs in those 50 days which is about 1.1 lbs a week. Tough but possibly do-able. We shall see my friends. I made myself a pretty chart and I’m going to be crossing out the days…..anyone have any July goals for yourself too?