Monday, January 31, 2011

The balancing act continues....

I'm actually happy it's Monday which is freaking crazy I know!  I might even actually fart a gumdrop or two. 

I've been working out like I used to - which means every day.  I've been on track with my food.  I have literally cooked meals for Rambo and I for the whole week that put us at or under 1200 calories a day. 

Rambo has been working out every day with me too which always helps me.  If he's downstairs sweating, I feel guilty if I choose not to do the same.

I am still working on balancing....and I feel good about that.  I'm working all day and still managing to work on my other jobs at night and still work out and between all that - I have made a major effort to hold and kiss both my daughters in ways I didn't even a week ago. 

On the facing my fears and not letting my social anxiety win...ugh...that sucks a fat baby's ass.  I got a call from my neighbor to take the girls with her to an indoor swimming pool.  I lied and said we had plans.  We did not.  My daughter heard me lie.  It wasn't pretty but I didn't have the mental stamina to do it. 
And I knew that. 

Later that night we all went to a friend's house to play Wii and drink and hang out for a few hours.  Halfway through my stomach hurt bad, I only watched people play Wii and made excuses not to play myself and I sweat enough to soak my cute thong and sweatpants.  Lovely.  I am not getting better.  It pisses me off.  And still - I haven't had the balls to tell Rambo how every single outing effects me.  He was surprised that when we got home I got sick - because - again - we know all the people.  I've got to find some cahoneys and tell him so he gets it.

Also, today makes 31 weeks until I run the 1/2 marathon.  And yes, I am counting down already. 

Tomorrow I'll report my workouts, miles gone and calories burned in January.  I'm excited to finish strong!!

Oh and below (my 2011 word and mantra) is what I now have as a screensaver and on my desktop and on the side of my blog page.  I have printed it and put it everywhere in my house too!  Whaddya think?

10 comments:

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Sorry you are still struggling, sweetie. I hope you find a way to deal with your anxiety very soon. Love the mantra!

Shannon said...

Have you ever thought about going to talk to somone about your anxiety? I didn't have as much trouble as you but I would gets attacks all the time out in public. I was able to gets anxiety meds and talk to some one. it helped alot. I know how much it sucks!

Also I am so glad you pushed us all to work out the last 6 days of Jan. I hit my 40lb mini goal :)

Jen said...

Love you!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Love the photo, Draz. And I will encourage you again to spill it all to Rambo. It doesn't take cajones, it just takes trust and I know you trust him. I wish you the best, and I'm sending you a million hugs. :)

Jacquie said...

I love your mantra! You'll get there Draz and we will be there with you!

~Lisa~ said...

I love the photo and your mantra.. So encouraging and so strong.. You're going to get there

LDswims said...

I've seen that before...

Love it! Love you!!!

Dizzy Girl said...

I hope I'm not offending you by saying this, you know I love you more than life- but honestly Draz, maybe it's time to go get on some anti- anxiety meds. Why not? It's not worth the pain you're struggling with every time you go out. You're causing your body a negative physical reaction if you're sweating it up like that over a Wii game. Your body doesn't deserve that; and it's not good for it- you might get an ulcer or something (you're already getting physically ill over it). Just try them for a few months and see if they help. It's not worth it and why suffer something if you don't have to- seriously.

I love your face-

xoxo

D

Joey said...

Baby steps. I'm proud of you.

Ronnie said...

Great mantra! And it's awesome that you're working on your anxiety, even if it isn't getting easier right away, just know it's a process. You can talk to Rambo about it in your own time, you just need to know he'll be there for you when you decide you're ready to share with him. :)