Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Candy for my soul.....

Hello peanuts! I can already tell I’m going to be long-winded today….so beware.

• I’m still on track with my diet and have been working out each night. Last night I did sprint training (walk 2 minutes slowly (while panting like a dog and catching your breath) followed by sprinting at a high speed for 2 minutes) for 45 minutes. I was a sweaty mess and if you’re a long time blog reader of mine – you know I love me some sweat. I felt exhilarated and the whole time kept thinking – “Man, I missed this feeling.” Tonight I plan to do more sprint work but I’ll be running them in our school’s long hallway. Walk one stretch – sprint the other. It’s the best for weight loss and building my lung endurance back up quickly so I can begin distance training for the ½ marathon.

• I forgot to tell you that this weekend out of nearly 175 tattoo entries, one of Rambo’s tattoos got 2nd place. I also want to say that despite the fact that I have gained weight and it’s the middle of winter I wore a bikini top and entered my back tattoo which meant I had my shirt off in a store filled with people for more than 5 minutes. If that’s not motivation to keep losing weight – I don’t know what the hell is.

• I have given myself a little challenge lately to try to complete each day…and now I’d like to challenge you to the same. The background is our comfortable-ness. (yes, another made up word)

Routine, mundane…comfortable. So many of us do the exact same thing every morning – from the moment the alarm clock rings. We do our makeup and hair and shower in a certain order, probably followed by coffee or getting your kids up or starting your car followed by taking the same route to work at the same time each day. Followed by punching in, taking off your coat, etc. etc. Lunch at the same time. Leave at the same time. Take the same route home you do every night.

Except today.

See, I thrive on routine and schedules which isn’t bad BUT when a wrench gets thrown into my routine I lose it. The day is almost shot. I can’t regain control. I feel off balance. In 2011n I want to learn to be more spontaneous, more free and less tied to habits and schedules and “doing what I always do”. So? My challenge to me is to do one thing different each day.

It isn’t always physical either. For example, yesterday at work there was a huge mixup. Bad news bears. I was in the middle of it but it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t in trouble. I did my job. But the panic-stricken worrier in me still felt bad. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to run to everyone and tell them I was sorry……which would be me apologizing for something I had no part in.

Instead? I did nothing. I made myself stay in my office and not go fix and not run around making things better. It wasn’t my problem. I didn’t need to do anything – but go on with my day. THAT was something very different for me. I let it go. It didn’t consume my day. I never talked about it again until I got home and told Rambo. I did something that was not routine, not comfortable and not usual. And it felt good.

The day before I did something physical. I took an alternate route home. Sounds ridiculous – but it made the ending of the day seem totally different and new. Not routine. Not predictable. Spontaneous.

Today I have decided the first thing I always do when I get to work – which is get a soda – will not be that. Today it will be water first…and maybe a soda later. One change. One thing I don’t normally do.

Because life is more than routine and I need to learn to deal with constant change in a good way – instead of a panic-stricken way.

Care to join me?

• Lastly – and most importantly – I need to talk about some candy…

When I was growing up, my Dad was always a fan of candy. But the candy was always his. We weren’t allowed to touch it – much less eat it – unless he gave it to us. Every January – pre-Valentine’s Day – there is a certain candy that comes out in stores. It was his favorite and the unique thing about this candy was that in our area only one store carried it. So not only was it his favorite but it was scarce and hard to find. Naturally, I loved this candy because he did. Because I loved what he loved hoping that would make him love me more somehow.

As I got older, it became my thing each January to scour the stores in the area to find this candy. For years again, I could only find it in one store and I’d buy every bag – no lie. It became my thing to take my Dad a bag of this candy because I knew he loved it, because it was hard to find and because it was a link we shared. It has since become an unspoken contest about who can find it first in what store…and when we do – we bring the other one a bag of it.

The other night when I went to my parent’s house I walked in with a bag and my Dad turned around and handed me a bag. We both found them this year at the same time….and we both thought of each other. That night I left my bag for him and forgot to take the bag he got for me. No biggie – I had literally 10 more bags at home.

Yesterday for some crazy reason all I could think about was this candy. I wanted some BAD but they are only at one store in a different town and I’ve already gone through 10 bags a week ago. I have to draw the line somewhere. And still? All day – that candy – was on my mind. I almost called Rambo knowing he’d be in that town to tell him to get me just one more bag.

I was working hard at my desk with my head down and the day was nearly over. I looked up and there was my mom – followed by my father. (if you recall in 11 years he has only been to my office one other time – last year – to bring me flowers – when I nearly passed out)

There he stood. And he laid a bag of the candy on my desk. It took everything in me not to break down at that moment. We had already exchanged bags this year….so I was shocked at his presence.

I know how hard it is for him to walk into a building of people he doesn’t know. I know how his stomach feels walking past my co-workers. I know how fast his heart is beating at that thought of seeing me and not knowing what to say. I know his chest is probably covered in hives….because 30 seconds after he walked in mine was too.

He cannot actually say that he loves me. He cannot physically hug me. He cannot say that he is proud of me. He cannot stop in to visit me without looking like he has a reason. And today - the candy provided the reason.

He takes all those things he cannot say or do – and puts them in a bag of candy and he musters up the bravery to bring it to me. He loves me in the ways he can. And no – it’s not conventional and not usual – but it is true and real….and I’m lucky enough to call it mine.

So yah – to my co-workers who saw him come and go and leave me a bag of candy – it looks like a nice gesture by a father. However, I know better. It is that and soooo much more. It is his love for me – and that bag of candy affords him the opportunity to show me that. I literally found myself shaking for hours after he left. I let the tears fall on my way home. I was barely out of the car before I told Rambo what had happened – and he knows what it means. He knows it is big.

This one small gesture will carry me for a long time….so yah…thank God for Valentine’s candy.

It not only tastes good….it feeds my soul.


Karen Butler Ogle said...

I did one thing different today already. Because of my TMJ issues I moved my after breakfast snack to breakfast and had a mashed banana for my first food today. I was also up very early and completely todays assignments for a workshop. Workshops are not required but I signed up anyway to learn about changes between Office 2003 and 2007. I'll try to think of something else to do differently later.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Awwww, that story about your dad was so sweet! Good idea to change things up a bit too.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Whoo hoo bikini girl! I know that your a destined even super hotter biker babe than you are now! And your right sometimes doing something different may be uncomfortable at first but will lead to change, and sometimes that isn't so bad :)

Lanie Painie said...

awww. . . what a great story of your dad. and candy!

What kind of candy is it?

Kristin said...

What a sweet man. He's trying, in his own way, to connect with you. How wonderful.

And GO YOU on the bikini top. You're getting all kinds of wild and crazy these days, Draz. I love it!

Amy W. said...

I liked that story. And yes...i need to know what kind of candy it is!

Any kind of interval training is awesome for the body.

I just watched a movie on Netflix with Ryan Reynolds (yum) and I can't, for the life of me, remember the name. But he did everything on schedule, his whole life. And then one day his wife sets the clock back and it changes everything. You should watch it.

LDswims said...

Love the candy. Love you.

It can be so hard to embrace the reality sometimes - but often, the reality is better than the ideal. Hold on to the good. You have it everywhere if you take the time to notice...

Ice Queen said...

It is amazing, how those who love us show it. And it is often the seemingly small, subtle gestures that are the most deeply meaningful.

My Daddy;s gestures of love for me were very subtle, as understated as he was. But when I caught one, I knew, without a doubt that I was cherished. I miss those small, quiet declarations so much.

Jess said...

That's a great story. Glad you had that moment with your dad, but I am sorry....


Lisa said...

Okay, I know it has nothing to do with the point of the lovely, touching story, but I too really want to know what kind of candy it is!!!

Lee Ann said...

Oh COME ON! You are holding out on us! What the HECK kind of CANDY is it??

And is it just me? Or did you---or did you not---name your vagina CANDY in yesterday's REWIND post?

Very sweet story. :) I think you should get a piece of this Mystery Candy (the mystery candy, not your Candy) tattooed somewhere on your body.

amandakiska said...

I've gotta know the name of the candy too!

What a sweet story! I'm proud of your dad for making that effort. I bet since he visited you last year it isn't quite so scary to show up unaanounced now. I'm glad you can recognize how hard it is for him to demostrate his love.

Sandy Lee said...

That was such a sweet story that you inspired me to post something. Stay turned. It isn't always what is said that shows love.

Bonnie said...

I love, love, love your idea about changing up your routine. I am so going to start that. It's great that you can see the love in your father's gestures and not dwell on the ways that he can't show you how he cares.

Read said...

I'm with you on changing up the routine - I'll take that challenge!

Is it wrong that I was shaking a bit too when you said you said "followed by my father" I got chills. He loves you so so so very much. I'm so glad he's able to find ways - traditional schmaditional - to tell you, and even more glad that you can hear him say it.

You go girl (and I'm with Lee Ann (I think) you should get this mystery candy tattooed somewhere - just for you.

Barbara said...

Love this story.. your daddy loves you.. he just showed you that..

Jen said...

Awwww..I love that story.

Joia said...

Aw, I wanna cry reading that!