Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Floating in existence....

***** Please note....I wrote this yesterday and didn't post it until's blog will be on a much happier note...written from CareBear just disregard the crap below.  Mmkkayy?

Today I’d like to share with you my definition of an enabler. His name is Rambo and this is our conversation.

Me: boobs totally get bigger when I gain weight. (picture me holding both boobs in my hands)
Rambo: Really?
Me: Yes – look. It’s a fact that when most women lose weight they lose it in their boobs first and for me when I gain – it goes to my boobs first.
Rambo: Want a cupcake baby doll?

I totally asked for that comment didn’t I? Wow.

I also found out this weekend that I have too many shoes. I can no longer deny it. As I was gently shoving my 5 year old out my closet AFTER I told her to take off my 5 inch heels before she broke her neck – she stomped out – turned around and looked me square in the eyes with her hands on her hips and said, “What Mom? It’s just like a shoe store in there.”

Shitballs. I’m busted.

Cute stories huh? Also a good way to stall so I don’t have to say this -> I’m struggling just a wee bit and all you Superheroes out there (that’d be anyone with a fah-gina if you ask me) know how impossibly difficult it is for me to say that right?

I can barely type the words. And that pisses me off. What the hell is so hard about saying I can’t do it all and that I need help and that I’m exhausted? Oy.

I’m a hamster running on a wheel – never really getting anywhere – sweating and stressing and running faster hoping it’ll get me somewhere so I can finally rest. It’s seriously time to get off this effing wheel. The scenery is getting old.

I think what sparked this new “I’m hanging by a thread” mantra as of late is the fact that I am working out again. Which takes time. Another hour in the day given up for just me and my health. Another hour I don’t have available for everything else.

And yes, I’m perfectly aware that the everything else I speak of – was chosen by yours truly. I get that. And I also get that everyone is busy, everyone has jam-packed schedules, and everyone is tired. I get that I need to suck it up. And I will.


Today I’m just floating in existence. I’m here – but I’m not really present. I’m not aware of my surroundings because that requires too much energy. I want to take a bath in Skittles laced with caffeine. I want to dry off with a chocolate towel so when I’m not in Skittles, I’m covered with chocolate. I want to cry. One of those big chest-heaving, puffy-eyed, snot-dripping oh-so-pretty cries while I hang onto Rambo with white knuckles and he whispers in my ear, “Let it go baby, I’m right here.” I want to lay down in a field of sunflowers like they do in movies and not have one single bug crawl into my underwear while I’m laying there.

In other words…I want to keep right on floating in existence. I’m gonna keep being here – but only in body form. Mentally – I’m taking a vacation from this body and this life and the self-induced stress and the jobs and the kids and budgets and high standards and perfectionism. I’m giving myself a time out.

Not a single thing is going to get crossed off the pages long to do list today because I know for a fact that even if ignored today, the list will remain tomorrow.

I will get through this day by letting go. The only thing I really have to do today is breathe.

Oh and run an hour of sprint intervals.

Jesus, whose idiot idea was it to get healthy anyway?


Dawnya said...

I hope you enjoyed your mental vacation yesterday. Sometime we need to take them. Screw everything else.

Healthy is soooo hard. LOL

Have a great week doll!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Hang in there, Drazil. You are in my thoughts, dear. Hugs. :)

amandakiska said...

I wear only two different pairs of shoes - tennis shoes and flats. I have a pair of boots that I wear when it rains and a pair of Berkenstocks that I don't wear much, but that's it!

I'm glad you're feeling more balanced today.

Amy W. said...

Do you know what you need to do? You need to go back and look at those pictures of us frolicking on the bed in Chi-town. I was looking at them yesterday and they made me happy. And we looked so happy!

Justawallflower said...

I am so sure that I could match you in shoes! I actually bought three more pair yesterday! Cute sandal type shoes, they were either $3.00 or 6.50 each, so how could I not buy them?

I am glad you are back in carebear land today!

Bonnie said...

Rambo is funny and cute. Great combo.

Joanna said...

I love this post. I know exactly how you feel - and I want to just take a day off from all of it.

I'm also picturing a bath full of Skittles and a chocolate covered towel...yeah, thanks Draz!! Hehe...although, in my house, if there was a bath tub full of Skittles - my three year old would be in there.

Joia said...

I needed to read that. Thank you for the honest reflection - I need to remember to put the to-do list away and just enjoy ME sometimes. I forget to do that, then wonder why I'm so stressed and miserable! Duh.