Thursday, January 27, 2011

For Barbara....

Not more than 6 months ago, I had the privilege of meeting 50 amazing women in Chicago. One of them was Barbara.


Barb has eyes that sparkle, a contagious laugh and a sassy blonde hairstyle to match her fiery personality. At our “fancy” supper, I got the chance to talk with her one on one…and right now I’d give anything to have that moment back so I could hold her tight and tell her how sorry I am.

Barb’s husband, Mark, courageously fought a battle with cancer…and his body was tired of fighting and he passed away.

Helpless is how I feel, how I’m sure we all feel as we read about her pain and heartbreak.

When I ran on the treadmill last night - my wish with every tear that I cried that fell onto my shoes – was that for every one of mine it would be one less Barb would cry. There’s nothing else I could do…

And then it was bedtime. Normally, I hug my girls goodnight or yell I love you from the kitchen. My 10 year old always wants more. More hugs and a kiss. I rarely do it. There’s something intensely scary about her needing me that much because of how it makes me remember how I felt as a child her age. I didn’t say my reaction was right – I’m just being honest.

Last night was different. My daughter was blowing me a kiss from her bed and I was in the hallway….like always – with distance between us.

And then my daughter met Barb’s husband’s spirit because I willfully and purposely walked in there and hugged her tight and kissed her. She glowed. I closed the gap.

And again as I laid next to Rambo – doing the normal cursing at his snoring and getting ready to put earplugs in – I stopped. I laid there as the tears hit the pillow and I listened to the sound of the man I love next to me and thought about what it would be like to not hear it.

I swear God always puts the good angels to work immediately…because Barb’s husband’s spirit was in my house though he just left this Earth not even days ago.

Barb…your pain will not be for naught….I vow to you that each night I will kiss my little girls no matter what - in honor of your husband's life.  From so far away – it is the least I can do.

And Barb – as you go through ceremonies and gatherings and you hit the point of exhaustion and you think you can’t go on….

Close your eyes.
Put your hand on your heart.
Put your other hand out – palm up.

Can you feel it? The strength, love, and prayers lifting you up and surrounding you? That is about 50 BOOBS and tons of other bloggers who love you holding your hand and saying…

You are not alone.
Lean on us.

When you think you can’t cry anymore – you can stop – and know that WE are crying for you from all over the world.

Be well, my friend.

And Mark…rest in peace big guy. For Barbara to love you – you must have been one hell of a man.

Oh and my little girls says “thank you” for nudging her mother to close the gap.

19 comments:

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I'm sorry for you and for your friend's loss. I can't imagine what life would be life without my husband. I've seen glimpses because of our separation but that was like looking into hell. I hope and pray that I will not have to look into that again As a Christian I believe that we will be taken home eventually, and I hope that happens before either of us has to give up the other. Death is a part of life they say but there is nothing more painful than losing someone you love, even if you believe you will see them again someday.

Read said...

Oh no!

Liz said...

Draz, you've brought me to tears. What a beautiful post.

tessierose said...

That was beautiful, my heart breaks for Barbara, she is indeed a lovely woman!

Roo said...

I am feeling Barb's pain today and have shed a tear or two....Draz this brought more tears, for the loss, for the love and for the thoughts that wonderful BOOBS are sending her way....she is a special woman....xx

Jen said...

Beautiful

Joey said...

Ugh. I don't even know what to type.

Darlin1 said...

Well said Draz!

Alexis said...

Tears, not only for Barb, but on how beautifully you wrote that.

Lisa said...

Tears. At work. Damn.

Wishing Barb all the love and support she needs as she grieves this devastating loss.

Amber said...

Oh, I am sitting here crying as I hold my 9 month old on my lap and say goodbye to my husband as he is going back to work from lunch. I don't even know Barbara (and I don't think I follow her...yet) but this post really spoke to me and pulled on my heart. Thank you, Drazil. You are amazing.

Sandi said...

Beautifully written, amazing! Thank you for sharing her loss with us and I too will say a prayer and hold my hand out to her for strength.

Sandi

Katie J said...

I love you Draz! Big hugs to you and Barbara in her time of need.

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Gosh that was nice. I was crying last night and now crying again. My heart breaks for her and her family.

-Grace- said...

Thank you for writing this for all of us, Draz. Love you so much, Barb!

Sandy Lee said...

All I can hum is Tears in Heaven. A sad day. A really sad day. Lovely post.

Shannon said...

I have learned more about her story today and what an amazing woman. my thoughts and prayers go out to her.

DiZneDiVa said...

Wonderful post... I can't find words.

Sooze said...

What a wonderful way to honor Mark, to remember the love you have every day and not take advantage of it. You just never know when your last chance to show it may be.

To Barb - my heart goes out to you. I know personally that dealing with losing a loved one to cancer is very hard and scary. With so many people ready to offer you their love and support at least hopefully you can take comfort in not being alone.