Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Unwind With A Little Rewind and hot dogs in butts.

Do you guys ever go to the Stats page on your blogs?  There's a tab that shows you what people search your blog by.  Wanna know what my top two are?  The first one is simply the word Drazil.  Very good.  Understandable.

The second?  Um.  Okay.  Here it is. 

Can I put a hot dog in my butt?

WHAT???  I've never talked about hot dogs and I don't use the word butt because I'm primitive so I say @ss like a real classy woman does.  A hot dog in my butt?  What the holy hell?

Moving on........

Okay - blog today.  I couldn't wait until I had a year of blogging under my belt so I could do something I'm going to call "Unwind With A Little Rewind".  I'm going to go back - waaaaay back - and find a post and re-post it.  For me.  Because sometimes I can't believe what I wrote or that I'm still writing or that anyone is still reading.  I think it's good to look back.  And it's something I've wanted to do for a while.  So here is today's edition. 

Oh and feel free to join in each Tuesday.  It's kind of fun to go back in time and see where you were...it's so easy to forget how far you've come.  It's also quite convenient when I'm having blogger's block or too completely lazy to write something to knock your socks off

I posted this on 1/26/10.  I called it "It's Just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua...fighting addictions."  Some of it is REALLY hard to read - knowing I didn't do what I set out to do and some of it is liberating - because I did indeed accomplish it.  Looking back is so therapeutic. Reading my words from back then feels reassuring that I'm still here - still trying...never giving up. 

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Addictions – we ALL have them. Yes – ALL of us. Some of them are just more dangerous than others and some we’re willing to admit, while others we can’t….or rather – won’t. Let’s just put it out there – I’m only 5’3” and I weigh 169 pounds…..and the extra 15 or 20 I carry around with me is named Sheniqua by the way. You may be reading and thinking “I’d love to be 169 pounds” but for me – it’s not healthy – mentally or physically and my addictions are the cause of it. And really 169, 269 or 569 – fat is fat – it all makes us feel horrible, it’s all hard to lose, it’s all something we’ve comtemplated cutting off with a knife now and then….whether 5lbs or 500lbs – the feelings about our fat are very similar. That being said I’m sure the addictions that get us there are quite the same too.


So in the spirit of full disclosure – here we go…my alias name is Drazil and I’m an addict. I drink Pepsi – only a teeny amount but it’s enough to make me addicted to caffeine. I am addicted to berating myself like a broken record player over and over in my mind (what woman isn’t?). I am addicted to blaming my mother and father for adding their own words to that broken record. I am addicted to living in fear that every blessing I have will be taken from me at any moment.

I am addicted to thinking I should change because the me I am today isn’t worth a whole lot to anyone. I am addicted to sugar like it’s meth….give me sugar and all I can think about it is the next time I can have sugar. Yes, I am the girl who can eat an entire large bag of candy between home and work…um – yah – it’s only a 20 minute drive. I am then addicted to giving myself a guilt trip my mother-in-law wouldn’t be able to hold a candle to – and let me tell you – she’s a pro at guilt trips.

I’m addicted to the cycle of letting life get in the way of my mental and physical health. I’m addicted to lying awake at night wondering how and if I’ve scarred my little girls like I was as a child. I’m addicted to wondering if this is it? If this is all I’m going to offer the world or if I’m going to jump in, take a risk, and grow some balls (big hairy ones if you ask my BFF)? I’m addicted to reading self-help books…and even taking notes…and pretending they fixed me.

But not all my addictions are bad – well – it depends who you ask….but right now I’m also addicted to anything Dave Ramsey (financial guru). I’m addicted to missing my husband because he works too much overtime. I’m addicted to kissing my girls and telling them I love them way too many times in a day because I was never told enough and I want to break the cycle.

I’m addicted to de-cluttering my life and every room in my home. I’m addicted to organizing until I’m blue in the face – it’s like some kind of high for me. I mean really – who needs drugs when I can make a junk drawer look like an episode of DIY. Can you imagine – next on DIY – “Woman cleans junk drawer and suddenly her life is perfect! Watch how she does it!”

I’m addicted to finding a way to let go of the past and live in the present. I’m addicted to tattoos – but only ones that mean something profound – mostly in memory of people I’ve lost that everyone else seems content to forget. And mostly mostly because it pisses my parents off.

I’m addicted to learning how to let go of the anger I still feel at an Uncle who took his life at 22. I’m addicted to wondering how my body would look scarless - no breast reduction, no tummy tuck, no c-section – but then I’m more addicted to loving every one of those scars and what they mean to me. I’m addicted to doing everything in my power to never lose the best friend I have that I’ve waited my whole life for. I’m addicted to finding a way to never lose the man I’m married to because without him – it’s hard for me to breathe.

Whew – that’s about it – well I suppose in reality that’s a short list but the thing about 2010 is I’m changing the bad addictions. I haven’t had a Pepsi in 5 days. I have begun to exercise – nearly every day of this month. I am blogging (lucky you!) as a form of therapy and meditation. I am eating better – even going some days with NO SUGAR.

Now yes, I do go into convulsions and foam at the mouth and grow horns on those days BUT still – I do it.

I have made a vow to change the record player in my head – this may be the hardest change of all because it’s been playing for 35 years you know. I have dug deep and decided to let go of some of the pain of the past knowing I had no power then and I had no good cards in the hand I was dealt at the time. I did the best I could at that moment and that’s all I’d ask of anyone.

I have quit spending like nobody’s business. I have a plan to be debt-free in a few years instead of when I’m 80. I am writing down dreams – and really thinking of about acting on them. I’m going to travel outside my tiny town for the first time ever with my family to meet more family I never thought I’d meet. I have tracked my food and fitness daily. I have tracked my migraines and I have a plan in place to fix them. I have vowed to my best friend that this is the year I take my power back from my mother.

So yah, I will inevitably be changing but hopefully only in good ways. And while I’m aware some of this is going to hurt – it doesn’t even scare me. I have certain people in my life I never had before and the kicker about that is – that this time I may indeed fail yet again…but this time I have a husband AND a best friend to tell me it’s okay, to laugh at me looking like a crumpled mess on the floor right before they pick me up, to tell me they will kick my fat baby’s ass if I dare to stay on that ground, to sing from the rooftops when I succeed and to watch me excel with tears in their eyes because they are sincerely happy for ME.

So yah – I guess that’s another addiction – I’m addicted to having that kind of people in my life and never taking it for granted because as we all know – you can’t beat addictions on your own. It’s gonna suck so why would I want to do it alone?

Some of my addictions make me who I am – and I’d rather die than change them…..but some are destructive and they eat away at my soul a little more every day that I decide to just get lazy and comfortable and let them win. I’m done with that – if not now – then when? If not me, then who?

NOW.

ME.

Addictions be damned….me and Sheniqua are a force to be reckoned with….well at least until she’s not on my hips anymore! Then I’ll fight on my own….and not for one moment will I look back. Addictions, schmaddictions…..you won’t be seeing me on an episode of Intervention….nope….no way...no how.

13 comments:

Sandy Lee said...

I had never gone to the stats page and when I looked my search was "burping people". WTF? I am hysterically laughing right now.

I just started going back to read some of my earlier posts too and have re-posted one already. Great idea. It helps to see where we were to see where we are going.

Jen said...

Great idea. That post was an excellent one. I love you!

Stephanie said...

You mean you don't regulary stuff hot dogs up your butt?

Good idea on going back and doing a repost. it shows how far we've come!

Anonymous said...

You are such a funny rocking brilliant witty woman! I love your blog.I feel hopeful after reading it!

Justawallflower said...

I have no keyword searches! hmm. I also like that you are looking back over your blog. Hopefully it will serve as inspiration to keep you going on this journey.

on a side note, I have changed my blog address, so please re-follow me @ justawallflower83.blogspot.com

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Ahahahaha! I love you.

LDswims said...

What a great repost!

Now as for the hotdogs in butts..ummmmkay. Don't know what to say!

Made me go check my stats. And I have "having my scalp scratched". Not exactly sure where that comes from....doesn't seem like something I might have ever talked about...

tessierose said...

Well, hot dogs and buns....duh! Seriously, grea post!

tessierose said...

Oh, and the number one keywords search on my blog was Bloodhound Band baby, huh? Strange, but fun!

KyokoCake said...

Loved your post :) it made me go check out my search words...my favorite of which was "j,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" ...what does that mean??? lol

Joey said...

Hahaha! You made me look! My #1 key word is "Jimi Hendrix".

Yep, I remember reading this post the first time when I found your blog and went to the beginning :)

XO!

"Sasha" said...

Those giveway junkies are going to kill me for reposting my number one search item, cool idea, it was interesting to take a look back. I posted!

Dawnya said...

I just started blogging and following your blog which I found on another blog. However, I love it. Every post is amuzing and inspirational.

D.