Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Unwind with a little rewind Tuesday.

It's Tuesday here in Care Bear Land (and everywhere else frankly)...so that means I find a post from the past...to see where I came from and how far I have left to go and to reminisce.  When I was searching for a post...this one spoke to me. 

I'm having trouble loving my "lumps and bumps" lately and I need to remember a lot of the things I said in this post back on 4/6/10.  Feel free to join me and find a post from your past...


Lumps & Bumps

There is one thing I want to do that I keep forgetting. Shaggs posed a question to me after my tummy tuck post. She asked if I will ever be 100% happy with my body (because I still see bumps after my TT and she didn’t) and if I’ll never be perfect naked where most don’t see me, why should I try to look perfect dressed where most see me and go under the knife for it?

Really good, thought-provoking questions and they deserve an answer.

About seeing the lumps and bumps – I will probably always see them. That isn’t the same as saying I hate them. I just see them. I think for me I will always be critical of my stomach because first of all – I paid nearly $6000 for it and though my expectations were realistic – a teeny part of my brain was hoping for perfect. A girl can hope right? However, it does not mean I don’t love my stomach. Because I do. I really do. I never have but today – I do.

There is no skin hanging and it’s pretty close to flat and after stretching it reeeeaallllyyy far over the years and two preganancies – that’s priceless. And for me – seeing bumps and lumps or flaws on my body is okay – again – it doesn’t mean I’m not in love with my body. But for me – I need flaws. First to keep realizing I am not perfect, don’t have to be and will never be and that’s okay. Second to realize I’m a work in progress and I have to keep working or those flaws become big ol Sheniquas and they become dangerous to my health. If I look in the mirror and say well done – now relax and enjoy – um, yah – weight comes back FAST. It’s a daily battle and those flaws remind me to keep trying to be the most healthy I can be. If I couldn’t see those flaws – I wouldn’t keep trying nearly as hard. I think that’s part of why I gained 20 lbs after my TT.

I always told myself that when I was at goal weight and when I loved every part of me but the skin and once the skin was gone I’d be all set and done with this journey. Then the skin was gone and voila! - I gained 20 lbs back – and while none of it went to my stomach – it went everywhere else and my BP and cholesterol suffered. Though not obese even with the 20 lbs - the point is I wasn’t healthy. I have to watch my weight every day……..it’s become as natural as breathing.

Also – on having the surgery question. Shaggs was right – it’s your own choice and she said she would not have had the surgery. For me – I had to. It was the end of a couple year long quest. It kinda felt like I went to college for years to become a lawyer – but then didn’t pass the bar. Would you have said to me – “Oh well, go work at McDonalds then and forget the bar.”- knowing the sweat and sacrifice I went through for years? I doubt it. You’d tell me to never give up and find a way to pass that bar, keep trying, etc. I tried for years to no avail – “I” could not fix this….I had to find another way.

While it’s true that how I look naked is for ME – the truth is also that the surgery was for ME. For the first time I made a decision to put ME first…and it wasn’t easy. Now I also had no idea the amount of pain and swelling and the aftermath and how difficult recovery would be – but for me I was still willing to risk it. Plastic surgery wasn’t about perfection for me – it was about fixing something I couldn’t fix myself….I had no control over that piece of skin so I put it in someone else’s hands. There was just something in me that knew without this surgery – the real me would keep hiding under clothing and low self-esteem. And I also knew that if I made the decision to have this surgery – I’d have to commit to taking care of me forever or it’d be like throwing $6000 away. Having this surgery was sort of my way of committing to this new healthy body forever.

And about seeing the lumps and bumps – I keep it in perspective with the people I love. I have a husband who can’t keep his hands off me and a best friend who tells me I’m gorgeous and perfect and sees no flaws on me just like I can’t see any that she sees in herself. They keep me grateful and keep me real. And for me – it’s a balance that works. So while I never ever thought I’d ever have plastic surgery – much less twice (breast reduction too) – I have not one single regret.

Now if anyone wants to give me another $5k I’ll seriously consider lifting the ta-tas. I promise to give you a full review in return for the money. That’s a good deal right? By the way – many plastic surgeons do breast aug and a tummy tuck in the same surgery, same day – in case you’re thinking you’ll need both some day. Had I known my boobs would keep shrinking I may have done that but it seems wrong to have them reduced by 6 lbs and then have them added to later….LOL.


Justawallflower said...

They didn't do a lift with the reduction? A really good friend of mine had a reduction and lift together, most of it paid for by insurance. Anyway, i'm not near ready for either, but you better believe when the time comes, I'm there! Thanks for sharing this.....again! ;)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I'm going to have to start playing the lottery so that I can get some work done. I have bulges where there shouldn't be and no bulges where there should be. I would love to get some work done but it ain't happening in our current situation. Before I can get my tatas lifted, I have to buy some first. :)

Bonnie said...

I don't know if I'll end up getting a tt at the end of my journey, but am so glad that you and others in blogland are willing to share your experiences.

Cukiemunstr said...

I will probably want a TT when I am there. Not sure if it will happen, but I will want it. I am already noticing big changes in all the wrong areas.

tessierose said...

I really appreciate your honesty about your TT!

Jess said...

I totally intend on having a TT done after I have kids (if I ever have kids). POSITIVE!

I gave you an award. check out my blog!

Lee Ann said...

yeah i'm pretty sure we must have been cut from the same cloth. not only are we of similar build, but i have some big knocks too and need a reduction, but lucky you, you already had one! and i need a TT b/c my skin did not stretch very nicely with my near ten pounders. and thanks to you i now know i can get them done on the same day! that sounds like hell though.