Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Anonymous, Obessive, Sweaty Crotches and Turkey Basters...

My favorite part of the day is making my blog title.  This one says it all huh?

I must have the smartest Anonymous commenters on Earth. Out of my entire, long, drawn out blog post from yesterday, an anonymous follower caught the fact that not letting my kids having a cup of water to house their one flower was pretty terrible of me. Hence, the evil Drazil in my head translates that to mean, “See? Someone else noticed you’re the worst mother on Earth.”


To the anonymous commenter who said I in effect ruined my kids Valentine’s Day….rest assured they didn’t sob in corners all night long and I made it up to them later with their favorite supper and cuddle time on the couch. Their flowers survived and we prevented a massive mess later by saying no to the water. I have idiot cats (who we love to death) who have this thing about any filled cups on counters. You leave the cup for a second and they are tipped over and on the floor before you know it.

Um – does anyone else wonder why I’m explaining myself to someone named Anonymous?

Insecure much?  Geez.
I also need to say I crossed into Obsessive Land yesterday with regards to my fitness. So yes, this week I have been to Care Bear Land, Pissed Off City, Grouchy Town and now Obsessive Land. I’m a big traveler.

Anywhoozle, I did another 75 minutes on the treadmill last night. I had to make myself stop. I wanted another 30 minutes at least. I literally felt myself getting pissed that I had to get off. I want to hold on to the “powerful” feeling I have on there for as long as I can after a long day. That was the first indication I crossed into obsession. The second indication?

I came upstairs. Took off my shirt and shorts – laid them out – propped them nicely – displayed them – AND? Yup – took pictures of them. Sweaty pits, neck, back, and crotch.

I took pictures of my sweaty vajinna marks people. Yup, folks – I sweat where my thighs bend and meet my vajinna and it’s soooo sexy. Not.

I came upstairs first and said to Rambo, “Hey look. Your wife has a sweaty crotch. Isn’t that sexy?”

His response?

“Totally. I’d still tap that.” God – he’s so romantic huh?

Sooo – I didn’t include the pictures because I think it makes me borderline crazy. Do you agree or do you wanna see my sweaty vajinna pictures?

And no – I’m not misspelling vagina. It’s how I say them now – vajinna and penice. (Like someone with an accent would say “you’re a winnah (winner) and penice sounds like Venice)

Speaking of penices…a girl here at work is thinking of buying a home insemination kit. We’re all trying to convince her to just use a turkey baster. That’d totally work wouldn’t it? Heck – who needs a penice when you can use a turkey baster anyway?

Just be sure to throw it in the dishwasher before you use it to actually baste a turkey next time. Actually – on second thought – just throw it out. It’s worth just buying a new one in my opinion.

But what do I know? I’m the woman who crushes her little girl’s spirits by killing their flowers.


Karen Butler Ogle said...

You cracked me up with the sweaty crotch and the home insemination kit. Where exactly do you purchase a home insemination kit? How do you know you are not getting inseminated by some mass murderer? Yikes!
Anyway, I don't think you are a horrible mother. Avoiding messes is every mother's responsibility. LOL

Read said...

Best title EVA! And this was the closest I've ever come to an actual spit take on my keyboard. Serioulsy there was nearly Chai all over my damn screen, keyboard and desk. The pictures did it to me. I totally get it - totally and completely. It's because I get that, that I do not allow myself to work out 7 days in a row. Sometimes I'll restrict it further than that - no more than 4 days in a row. I have to monitor my obsessions with equally ridiculous restrictions. Now who's crazy. :)

Southern Belle said...

why would you listen to anonymous? silly girl, we all know you didn't crush your daughter's Valentine's day...that's just silly. Glad to hear you are being obsessive about something healthy..that can't hurt. and thanks for skipping the pics, it would make me feel guilty for not hitting the gym today! xo J

Amanda said...

You totally made me laugh out loud with your title! Then to continue further and take pictures. You are a brave, brave girl!

Jen from Oregon said...

Love the title. You are such a tease with the pics! j/k

Stephanie said...

Seriously...if a person feels the need to make a comment like that on our blog and not have the balls to use their real name, f-them. Yes, I get they have an opinion and great for them, but to do so, knowing full and well that you already feel like crap, well, what a bitchy thing to do in my opinion.

So to Miss Anonymous, if you're reading this, next time get your panties out of your ass and stop hiding behind a random post. If you have an issue with Draz, email her or keep your trap shut.

Shannon said...

I am sure that Anonymous poster is just trolling to make them feel better about themselfs.

My cat does the same thing with cups. Hubs got my roses for V-day and they were knocked over within an hour, after he tore a couple of them apart. funny cats.

tessierose said...

Screw Anonymous commenters!

Jen said...

You are a wonderful mom. I know your kitties and you were preventing a mess. I also know your beautiful, amazing girls and I know that not getting a glass of water for their flowers from you is the one and only thing they are deprived of!!!!!! You smother them with love and attention and you ache to be the best mother you can be.
So, maybe Baby Banana has a flair for the dramatic that made it sound especially dreadful and dramatic in the retelling (she comes by it honestly, no?) but I guarantee you if she wanted it bad enough, she would have found a way to get herself a glass of water. I think she was over it about 30 seconds after it happened. They'll both live to laugh about it later. (If they even remember)
Don't give anonymous coward another thought.
If that's the worst thing you do as a mother - they can count their blessings! Or come to my house and I can show them what a REAL mean mom looks like! hahaha!

Justawallflower said...


Ice Queen said...

Rambo lurves you! :D

Okay, you owe no explanations to anyone for the mom decisions you make! I would have made the same one, under the circumstances. Don't allow some anonymous commenter who doesn't even have the balls to put their name to their comments (or the brains to see that cats knocking water down all over the place is a major pain in the ass!!!) to upset or make you doubt yourself!!! Kiddos need a little disappointment in their lives. It builds character. ;)

I agree with Wallflower, show the pics. ;) :D

This one time at 'band' camp... said...

I love it, oh and I wanna see pictures! And...seriously, Anonymous??? You can't hide from us...if you are going to speak your mind and degrade someone for an action she clearly thought out, you need to leave your name!!! Don't be so silly!!! Get a life!

LDswims said...

We gave a friend a "spare" turkey baster at Christmas - so that she could give it to her friend for the same purpose. It was hilarious! Don't want the turkey juices mixed...

As for the anon commenter..shush! Do YOU have kids? I don't - and I STILL get what that was about!

Show the pictures. I doubt you sweat as much as I do!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm sorry to have caused so much of a reaction. I should have kept my mouth shut. I just made a comment, but I won't anymore. I don't have a blog or anything like that; I'm just a mom, a professor at a university and I tend to pick out pieces of things---like the flower thing. I really do apologize. I didn't mean to make you feel so bad, really. I'll take all of the negative comments from you and hang my head. Anyway, now you can feel better knowing that I'm the one who is the obvious jerk in this situation has now had her day semi-ruined from these comments. No more comments from me, that's for sure. P.S. it won't let me post as anything other than anonymous. Sorry for that.

Anonymous said...

Full of typos, that message. Ugh. Anyway, just wanted to say that I hope you accept my apology. It really is sincere.

Beth Ann said...

You crack me up! That and I'm getting slightly obsessed trying to replicate your exercise obsession. Haven't made it there yet. :)

Bonnie said...

Is it bad that I am sometimes afraid to read your posts based on your titles? Just kidding. Don't change a thing.