Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I want a penis.

Boys have no brains.

Shocking revelation isn't it? 

I have a headache.  It is Rambo's fault.  He is stupid.  I love the man but he has a penis so that makes him literally think he IS Rambo.

Let me explain.

It snowed a bit here.  When I say a bit - um - I mean like a foot AND the wind is so bad that some drifts have been reported as high as 10 feet.  Every school is closed.  Every college is closed.  Many businesses are closed. 

Even mine.  We get a full 8 hours paid because literally the driveway to the business is impassible.  Most of the roads are officially closed by the Highway Department.  Motorists are stranded. 

The only way they can be rescued is via snowmobile.  Visibility is reported as ZERO.

This, my friends, is a blizzard by literal definition.

I do not set my alarm.  I know that even if my work doesn't close today, I ain't going in.  It's not worth it. 

Duh.

Rambo goes to bed at 7pm.  Why you ask?  Well cuz - he's going to go to work at 3am.  He's going to give himself an extra hour and everything will be fine. 

Why again, you ask?  Um, because remember he's a man with a 4x4 Dodge Ram hillbilly truck so he can drive through hell and back without so much as a scratch? 

Never mind no one else on this Earth is out on the roads....Rambo is.  He's just cool that way.  You know, with his penis and all.

Before I go to bed, the last thing the news guy says is that the National Effing Guard has been called in to rescue stranded motorists.  Nice.

I'm up what seems like every 1/2 hour with visions of Rambo and his penis dying in the cold and snow.  Oh did I mention beyond the dangerous snow conditions - it is 20 BELOW! 

At 2am, I wake him up and say, "Please don't go.  It's not worth it."  He wraps me in his arms like that'll make my fear go away and says, "Baby, I'm going.  (I'm Rambo...I have a penis.)"  Okay I added that last part.

At 3am, he gets up.  He fixes the furnace.  It is blowing and drifting so much that people's furnaces are filling with snow hourly and moisture and snow are shutting them off.  Jesus.

He leaves. 

I swear as I lay awake.  I want to cut off his penis so maybe he'll think like a sane person.  Too late - he's gone.

I fell asleep out of exhaustion. 

It is 4:30am.  Rambo is getting into bed with me. 

What the holy hell is going on?

5 miles in and he turned around.  So much snow that a belt broke on his He-Man truck, battery died, lights dimmed - in a blizzard in 20 degrees below zero.  No plows have been through.  No cars were out.  Even a semi sat in the middle of the road - stuck.

He gets in bed and I am not kidding you....I looked at him and said, "Can I say I told you so now f*ckface?"

Wanna know what he says?

He says, "I could have made it - had the belt not broke."

Oh my Jesus Mary and Joseph. 

I want a penis....so not only can I live in Care Bear Land but I can also walk around with my head up my ass.

Wow.  Just wow.

23 comments:

LDswims said...

Wow. Just wow.

Glad he's safe!

Hope you guys stay warm and safe in that weather.

They said on the news this morning Milwaukee was 20 degress. Houston wasn't much warmer at 23. Insane! Still, a blizzard is nothing to play around with!

Amanda said...

Lololol. I needed this story today!

blondee said...

LMAO I SWEAR me and my other half have had practically the SAME conversations before...

Bonnie said...

My husband is the same way. His name isn't Rambo, but he plays one on tv. :)

tessierose said...

Glad he's okay! Damn penis!

Gilly said...

Glad he made it back safely! Doofus!

~ Darla ~ said...

I knew this would be a good post, based on the title. Oh yeah, I have my he-man too. He can do it. Never admit defeat. At least he's home safe and sound - penis included.

Building Blocks Bootcamp said...

LMFAO!!!!! Men....*sigh*

amandakiska said...

So glad he's safe! Enjoy your snow day!

Ronnie said...

Men. *shakes head* ...although, having a penis would make lots of things so much easier...

Anyway, glad he got home in one piece.

Ice Queen said...

Bwahahahahaha!!! The penis will get them every time!

I am glad that Rambo made it back home safely. That could have been a really bad scene.

Men are brainless. We just have to forgive them for it. ;)

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

Draz, when gets to be about the age of 50 or so, he will slowly begin to pull his head out of his ass! They decide they are a bit too old for all that macho shit. Funny story though ;-)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

LOL, Draz. This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. He is SO like my redneck brother who is too TOUGH to let snow or anything else stop him from doing exactly what he wants to do. Like the time he split his head open trying to karate a board in half. MEN! Testosterone is wasted on them. They have no idea what to do with it. :)

TrippyTexan said...

Poor Rambo. He just didn't want to admit defeat!

Sandy Lee said...

Men. At least we have plows up here so even when we get tons of snow, we still make it to work. They only cancel the school buses. But we still trudge through the drifts. My BIL went to Florida a few years ago during the storm of the century. Ottawa penis guy thoughts-I can drive through snow because I drive in snow all the time. He was stranded for 3 days in Pennsylvania because they only own a couple of plows in the entire state. Never got to Florida.

Our streets are plowed right now, although I will honestly admit we only got about half the snow that hit all of you. Now tell me, were Rambo's feet cold and did he jump into bed and put them on your butt to warm them? My penis guy does that.

Lonicera said...

If I was his boss I'd be very impressed that he made such an effort to get to work...
Caroline

Shannon said...

lol wow i dont know anyone who would drive in this mess! glad he's ok though

Read said...

Man, I hope Miss Vickie is right and they start to figure it out at some point!!!

I've said before that I truly believe the penis is connected by a string to the brain and it just ways it down. Sometimes if they are sitting just right they can use their brain for good, but too often that little string is cutting off certain vital parts of their intelligence... things like COMMON SENSE. I think actually that's the exactly place that little string is connected to.

Results Not Typical Girl said...

If I had a penis, I'd spend the whole day, every damn day having sex with myself. Oh well. Guess I'll go to work and pay bills instead. Yay me and my pussy powered work ethic.

Nikki said...

I laughed...a lot..yeah, sometimes men are idiots!!!

♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥ said...

LOLOLOLOLOL oh dear...=)

Dizzy Girl said...

BEST STORY EVER!!!! Hahahahahha I love it- except for the part about the effing snow. The snow is pissing me off. I will be there tomorrow, in that death snow. Pray for me; I don't even have clothes warm enough to handle it. Shiiiiiiihhhh...

MizFit said...

ahhh may I simply say:

I CONCUR.