Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Results and crosses...

No rewind today…I have other things on my mind.

First off, I want to report my January totals. It took me a good 2 weeks before the athlete in me kicked in so the numbers are not as good as they should be but they are a start.

By the way, I love that word. Athlete. I love to believe that under every part of me is an athlete and I just have to bring her out. When I’m running at 6mph these days, I actually chant “athlete, athlete, athlete” every time my right foot touches the ground to get through it.

Sooo..in January, I worked out 16 days for a total of 14.3 hours and I burned 5189 calories and went 48.8 miles. Not great numbers but like I said…it took me a few weeks before I got back in gear.

Bring on February.

I have one more thing on my mind.

I taught someone a life lesson today – inadvertently – and at my own expense. And I don’t know how I feel about it.

A co-worker of mine who is also a dear friend was telling me about her son who is dating a woman who has big social issues. Completely awkward, clams up, won’t even stand by him, goes off on her own…things like that when it comes to crowds or even a few people at an outing. He’s having a hard time dealing with it.

I told her he needs to at least tell her how it’s bothering him. She needs to be given the chance to change it if she wants to. It can get better. I told her I know this because….I suffer from this too.

I told her about how when I go somewhere that up to the minute we go I am thinking of reasons not to go. I am nervous, sick, hot, and scared. Rambo has to help push me out the door. I back out of things when I shouldn’t. I’d rather stay at home then go anywhere else – ever.

But I go. I fight it. I want to be better. I refuse to let my fear win.

She was shocked. She’s known me 11 years and she stood in front of me and said, “I had no idea. No one would ever know that about you.”

I said, “It goes to show that you never know the internal crosses people carry with them.”

Life lesson learned – at my expense. Admitting I knew how that girl felt was hard. Seeing the look of pity in my co-worker’s eyes was harder. But I wanted her to know what that girl feels is real and it can be mental and physical – and it can be treated and worked on and she’ll need his help – but only if she recognizes it and wants to change it.

Moments like those make me realize how I am so not my authentic self every day. I have social anxiety probably off the charts – and few know. I have been on depression meds for nearly 15 years stemming from pain long ago that left me bedridden. Even fewer know that. I have a low confidence level and am constantly berating myself for never doing and being enough. Little to no one knows that in my real life.

I want to be known as I’m known. I don’t want labels to define me. When I go to parties for work, I don’t want anyone to wonder how hard it is for me because of my social anxiety. When I miss a day of work, I don’t want anyone to wonder if I’ve had a depression relapse. When I get another outstanding performance review, I don’t want my boss to wonder if I’ll finally think it’s good enough.

And then again – staying hidden takes a toll too. I feel un-authentic and fake – like there are two of me. One person Rambo and Jenny see. One person the rest of the world sees.

It’s a good thing my word of the year is balance because I need to find a way to balance the four of me.

Drazil – the inner lizard who fights me daily
Sheniqua – the outer me who is learning to love the physical me
Real me – known only to Rambo
Wannabe me – in control, put together, on top of the world me that 99% of people see

Whew….I’ve got a lot of work to do, don’t I?

Please remember – have compassion – because no one ever really knows the inner crosses people carry. Remember that after a while, the crosses get unbearably heavy and sometimes we could use extra muscle from a friend.


Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, I know exactly what you are saying. I have a facade too that I use around people who don't know me well enough for me to share my issues with. On the days when I am unable to keep up the facade, I don't go anywhere. I didn't even go to my family's for the holidays because I just wasn't up to putting on my happy face. There are other people though, who know exactly what I'm going through and they are here for me. I can be myself with them and that is worth more than anything. I hate pretending to be upbeat when I'm really down. Most of the time I can't do it anyway, so I just isolate. Hugs to you. :)

Jo said...

Draz, I have social issues, too. And it didn't help to be forced for years to be in the spotlight by a boss who thought my problem was a major weakness in my overall ability to do the job. I think you gave the woman good advice, and I'm proud of you for speaking out about it. Indeed everyone does have their cross to bear.

Bonnie said...

As I've gotten older I am definitely better at trying to see things from the other person's perspective. I think it was really brave that you put yourself out there to your coworker to help her understand her son's girlfriend.

LDswims said...

I actually learned that lesson while driving, you never know why the "idiot" is cutting in and out of traffic and in such a hurry and is behaving so wrecklessly. They might be rushing someone to the hospital, might be rushing home to help a sick child, might be might be might be. While most wreckless drivers are just that, sometimes there is just more to the story and I can't possibly know the whole truth. I only know what I see and i can only do what I can do to stay safe. That actually translated over into every other arena of my life. You just don't know. My life is no one else's and therefore, neither are my standards. And sometimes I'm that wreckless driver, too, like when I found out that my mom was sick and no one could console her but me.

Kristin said...

You're more put together than you think you are, my dear.

Jacquie said...

You ever need my muscles, I will be there to help you! Love ya and Kristin is so right..you are more put together than you give yourself credit for!

Scuttleboose said...

It's so funny, because I read about the internal struggles that you have, but I see you as such a strong, self-sufficient, amazing woman. I guess it just goes to show that everyone's perception of the same situation is different as well. Hugs to you! :)

amandakiska said...

I think we would be shocked if we could hear the inner monologue that those around us hear each day, even our closest friends and relatives. In some ways that information should be private so it isn't held against us except in situations, like this one, where the benefit of being vulnerable outweigh the risk. I'm proud of you for taking the risk!

And how kick ass are those exercise numbers?!

Joey said...

Good point. I was thinking about this today. I think I'm really empathetic, but there are a handful of people that I just don't get, I can't get my head around and it drives me crazy. I like to understand people. Social anxiety I can understand, but I'll work on being more open in general.

Lynda with a Y said...

don't forget about compassion toward yourself. and forgiveness.

Twix said...

thank you

LDswims said...

I nominated you for an award.


mommykinz said...

Hilarious - now I know why my husband got up early and plowed through the snow to get to work. I really should put a shovel on the front of his beloved Escalade so I wouldn't have to shovel our mile long driveway (okay its not really that long but close). Penises - crazy!