Monday, February 21, 2011

Taking ass kicker applications.

Hmmm…how shall I say this?


I
SUCK
BIG
GREEN
DONKEY
DICKS!!!

Um, wait. That came out wrong. What I mean is my diet sucks big green donkey dicks.

For realz. If you’re coming here today for food or workout advice…freaking hit the X button and get out of this blog right away.

For three days I was a workout eat right guru. No lie – spot on perfect. 75 minutes on the treadmill each night – under calories – feeling sexy as hell – and BAM.

The night of the bully intervention came and it all went to hell after that. Now – no – I had no idea that’s when it went to hell until I just started thinking about it today.

I mean I ate like crap. Never even looked at the treadmill. Stopped journaling. Stopped giving a damn. I completely checked out of my health and I completely want to kick my own ass for it.

You think I’m exaggerating perhaps? Fine. I shall prove you wrong.

Want to know what I had so far today by 11am?

TWO donuts – one jelly-filled, one crème filled
Mountain Dew
Cheesecurds

Translation: sugar, sugar and more sugar.

And on the agenda for this afternoon?

More Mountain Dew and a Milky Way because the mother-effer Rambo thinks it’s sweet to bring me home treats. Kinda like the Doritoes and cupcakes he brought home last night. I hate him.

Oh and fresh popped movie popcorn is free all week here at work. Lovely.

I’d like to shove that fresh popped popcorn smell up Explosive Man’s ass. Who in their right mind can resist that stuff? It’s like the nectar of the Gods.

So yes, I’ve been living in CareBear Land where the faucets pour out soda and the clouds rain candy….and I lay around all day with my mouth open. The only physical thing I did all weekend was chew…and dessert with Rambo if you can count that.


So what’s a girl to do?

Confess first of all. Which I just did.

And get my now more chubby ass back on the treadmill. Tonight I have a board meeting to run but no excuses – I will do 80 minutes when I get home.

Oh and tan too. Being tan hides my stretch marks and cellulite so I can pretend it doesn’t exist.

So I’m taking applications for anyone who wants to volunteer to come here and kick my ass? Any takers?

Thanks to this last week – it’s a bigger ass to kick so only apply if you have big feet. *sigh*

17 comments:

Lee Ann said...

I wear a size 9.5! Is that big enough for you? Pretty big considering how short I am.

But I don't think you need an ass kicking. You just realized it. So that's the first step. It's only been a few days. Just get back to it and stop beating yourself up. Stop being a dang bully to yourself!!!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Come over here and kick mine and I will return the favor, Draz. I've been a complete slug with my house work and it is horrible to see. I did manage to do one circuit of a Jillian Michael's workout earlier today. Talk about kicking my ass. Now I'm just sitting here like a slob and wishing the bathtub would come and get me and make me get in. I don't know what's with me the last couple of days. Maybe I need some of Granny Clampett's spring tonic.

Ice Queen said...

I'll kick yours if you kick mine!

Food Fuckery has run rampant in my life, lately and my not moving scale is proving it. *sigh* Big green donkey dicks, here, too.

I am back on track, today and feeling better about it. So, forgive yourself the ill advised food so far, today, leave the popcorn where it belongs (easier said than done, I know. Popcorn is life is orgasmic) and get your arse back on track. You can dooo eeet! Reach out. take my hand and we will stay on the path, together.

C'mon, girlfriend. :D

Raegun said...

Yes - if you promise to return the favour. ;)

Ronnie said...

You're getting back to it, that's all that matters. No one can be on point all the time. No need for ass kicking - just do whatcha gotta do, hon.

Laurie said...

I had a rough weekend too, I don't think I was as hard on myself, but one can never tell. Bully the treadmill.....it will feel good and you won't have to go to the principal's office.

Justawallflower said...

Size 11 here, I'm on my way! and if your not going to use the treadmill I'm just gonna have to pack it up and bring it home with me!

Laurie said...

I'm reading your posts a little ass backwards today, but I saw this quote after reading that you inhaled donuts etc and I thought there may be a connection:
"And then I made the thoughts stop. I can’t go there. Or I’ll never stop being angry."
I gotta wonder if the food is to stuff the feelings about your dad. Shit, it makes sense, we all do it. Maybe you didn't want me to point it out, but my therapist mind is always running.
Hang in there, you've got your head screwed on straight.

Read said...

Of course you ate yourself into a coma over the whole bully, principal, teacher thing. What card carrying Mom wouldn't have. There's no way I could have withstood a healthy (um - well maybe not healthy but I'm going with it) dose of peanut butter and chocolate if me and my child were facing what you and watermelon did.

Okay, get really mad at yourself. Really yell, tell yourself how awful you were.. I'll wait. (I'm watching the second hand on my watch.) Okay done. Get over it. Move on. You're human and reacted just like any of the rest of us would, only you're coming out of it a hell of a lot quicker than many of us would (I know it would have taken me a week or so before I even began to figure it out).

Get on the treadmill tonight - though I personally think 80 is a little exessive - you're don't need to be punished - you just need to get back on the horse. Do your best to stay away from the popcorn (er.. crack). And carry on again.

LDswims said...

No ass-kicker here. Perfect is hard to do 100% of the time and if you don't give yourself license to be free on occasion, it turns into a runaway train real-fast-like. And you are perfect like 99.9999999% of the time - so I think you've earned this!

Now get back off that runaway train and run 6 hours tonight. You know you want to. :)

Carmen said...

the boats I call feet are a size 11!! oh and next time you are in the mood to fall off the wagon and eat cheese curds, feel free to pop those suckers in the mail, i want some squeeky cheese!!!

Bonnie said...

No need. I think you beat yourself up pretty well on your own. You'll get back on track, but we need to have a little talk with Rambo about his choice of treats.

Tina said...

nope not gonna kick you are doing enough of that yourself-now suck some of that strength you and your husband have given to your kick ass daughter and apply it. You know you have it in you cause you have already come this far. Own the doughnut and the candy and then move on and get back on that treadmill and diet-y wagon.

xxxoooo (see no kicking :))

Sandy Lee said...

If it's confession time: This afternoon I had a Chocolate bar from IKEA (the big one), huge serving of low-salt chips. I was thinking of going back for more but now will stop and think. OK, thought enough, more chips. So I guess we all need a good kick.

Dizzy Girl said...

Girl I am RIGHT there with you. Been eating sugar like the addict I am. HOARDING it in my belly, is more like it. Just ate 5 no bakes. Had a coke zero (which I'm drinking daily, btw) for lunch. Just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought...when did I get so fat? Sigh. I hate this cycle. My problem right now is that I'm burned out of healthy food. I need to find some new recipes...but that takes time and effort...and we know how happy I am about that. SIGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG. Over it.

LOVE YOU! Come over and let's be fat asses together. xoxox

D

Joia said...

Popcorn is the deeeeeeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiil. Have you thought about buying a package of those 100 calorie Smart Pop bags? I have both the butter and kettle corn flavors - they're delicious! I also like that they're cute lil' bags (half size of a normal bag). They may help you through the craving and godlike smell of the week :)

MizFit said...

Im INININ like FLYNNFLYNNFLYNN
and when you say STOP I shall ARSE KICK AGIN :)

then you do me.