Monday, March 28, 2011

Beginning in a cemetery....

Remember last week when I said Drazil stopped being a lizard for a moment? And he turned into a fire-breathing dragon to help me get through that lovely school situation?

Well, he’s still a dragon. (Oh and still NO word from the school on that.)

Puff – the magic dragon to be exact.

Puff – not as in smoke. Puff – as in I look like an oompa-loompa….minus their weird hair and odd skin tone.

This week March will end. Wanna know how many times I’ve worked out so far?


Wanna know how many times I ate like a wooly mammoth and came out looking like the mammoth gave birth?

Nearly every day.

It’s that perfectionist in me. It’s all or nothing. On or off. Up or down. Black or white.

I can’t find the elusive balance. The freaking middle ground. It’s hidden up Sheniqua’s ass. I’d question her about it but she’ll probably start whipping Oreos at me and those suckers can hurt when whipped at your eye. And really – it’s nearly illegal to waste a good Oreo like that.

I am disappointed. My chipmunk cheeks are poofy. My muffin top could fill two bakeries. My lack of toning hurts my eyes to look at. I’ve even skipped the scale a few mornings – because I’m afraid of what I’ll see.

Life got in my way this month. I’m not going to pretend it didn’t. The part time jobs sucked the life out of me. There are days when I scheduled time to breathe because it felt like there wasn’t time for that if I didn’t write it down. Rambo worked shitloads of overtime. I even put in my share of 14 hour days.

Then brilliant me planned a kitchen remodel this same month. I spent the weekend painting every wall and crevice and ceiling in my dining room and kitchen and if I see another paint brush in my lifetime I’m going to shove it up someone’s ass. The contractor can take away my 10 year old countertops...I’ve said goodbye to them properly if you catch my drift. I can only think of test driving the new ones.

If I have to deal with one more government official regarding city revenues and taxes and such….I’m going to sic Explosive Man on them and sit back and watch the fun.

You think I’d be happy a little. Martha Stewart is on vacation. There is no one across the hall wearing panties that match her napkins that match her curtains all while blowing her nose like a whale.

The whole thing isn’t really funny. I’ve treated my body like a sack of dog poo this last month. I did it consciously. I let myself have this time to not make exercise and diet a priority always knowing that April would come and deadlines would be met and things would slow down and I’d pull my chubby ass back up on the health wagon.

And I will. I have new batteries in my HRM. I have new songs downloaded on my MP3. I have new workout clothes. I have new boobs.

I’m lying about the boobs. I just threw that in there to see if you were still reading.

I’m mapping out a new run route. Get this. It’s in a cemetery. Spooky no? Not really. Right in the back of my house beyond the tree line is a cemetery. It is in fact the reason the previous owner sold the house to us. She swore it was haunted and the cemetery freaked her out.

For me – it’s a source of peace. I see many people taking care of graves and sitting and talking to their loved ones, flowers and balloons set out and smiles and tears. And for me – it keeps my life in perspective. When I want to sell my kids – I have been known to look out the window to see friends of ours standing at the grave of their 2 week old son and I’m immediately grateful for the health of my heathens.

When I have a fight with my mother…I have later seen a girl in high school sitting at her mom’s grave whose father killed her…speaking to her through a headstone…and I realize I’m lucky.

And other days I walk over there and I pick up flowers and tidy gravesites and put new flowers beside my Grandma’s grave and I love that even in death – she “lives” just a walk away.

My new route will indeed include this cemetery road….because it really is all about perspective and what really matters. I have to get back to what really matters to me. March was just an intentional and temporary detour….because my mind and body needed permission to stop caring for a bit.

April will find me back where I want to be. Back to caring.

Back to what really matters.

I’m going to find it all….beginning in a cemetery.


Sarah Williams said...

We all have detours on our journey, trust me on that one! Life has been hectic for me as well and I am finding difficulties fitting in my work out times. I somehow have to manage it.
I can't believe the school hasn't let you know anything yet, hopefully Watermelon is having an easier time lately. Kids can be so cruel and adults!
Now you made me hungry for oreos, awww the thought of them in my mouth....and that's as far as I go LOL

Dizzy Girl said...

Girl I'm right here with you- why is it when it's time to kick it into gear and get a move on- I seem to be less capable of just MOVING MY ASS than any other time? It's a bizarre anomaly and it happens to me constantly.

Luckily- like you said- April is a new month. So let's get on it!!



Dizzy Girl said...

PS I loved the boob check. :)

Amanda said...

There is something to be said about tying beginnings and endings together. In the rd and 4th Anne of Green Gables books, Anne of the Island and Anne of Windy Poplars, some pivotal scenes are built around graveyards.

I guess from my childhood reading they've always seemed to be more places of rest and peace, for the living as well, rather than a haven for malicious haunts.

Sorry, I do go on at times. And like Dizzy, loved the boob check!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil, I'm here with you. My therapist just told me the other day that I have black and white, all or nothing thinking and that I need to change that. I don't seem to be able to compromise or find a happy medium. Let me know if you find the secret. :)

MandaPanda said...

What an interesting take on a cemetary. Guess I have never thought about it before. Thanks for putting things in perspective. I hope things slow down for you.

Stacey said...

I have always loved cemeteries. I find them peaceful and respectful (for lack of a better word). I used to and sit and talk to my grandfather's grave. Now it breaks my heart to go there and see that my grandmother does not have a headstone at all. (My mom was supposed to do that and spent all of the life insurance on herself).

Sorry for rambling.

Food Freak said...

Your blog entry started out to be witty and amusing as usual. Then it detoured, as did your life, into something deep, beautiful, moving, and thought-provoking.

A graveyard full of bones can teach us much about life, can't it? The utter peace and stillness; the love and pain. It's a human, yet spiritual place. I'm envious it's so close to you so that you can learn its lessons so often, and so well.

Thank you for inviting us to walk along with you for a bit.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Sometimes it takes the darkest things to make us see the light! Shine on skittles shine on! You can kick aprils ars....

Dawnya said...

I love how you always find your way back to where you need to be. Even when it is the hardeest thing for you to do. I love it. I can't wait to meet you in person. I so want to hug you. You are an inspiration.

Beth Ann said...

I always know I'm getting into bad territory when I start avoiding the scale. I know you will be back on track soon! :) FYI...I grew up across the street from a cemetery and it was totally our playground. We were very respectful to the graves and steered clear. But we would place kickball, sled in the winter and ride our bikes. It was our park...

Jeniffer said...

You know, painting walls and ceilings is a serious workout. Done it, so I know! :-D

Shannon said...

busy months happen. you recognise that too. So you are good to go. Plus with spring trying to happen you can get outside with the kiddos :)

Tori said...

This has inspired me. Your writing is amazing. I could really picture everything in my mind. I think we do need to allow ourselves down time in order to find balance. Life is black and white...I think the trick is not to much white, not too much black. Take a step back and really look at things and live like you don't care to show you how much you really do care. :) Two thumbs way way up.

lanae said...

Bravo! Great post and you are not alone in your feelings of peace at the cemetery. I live down the street from where my parents are and it is a source of comfort. Here's to April being a beautiful brand new month!