Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Karma, middle fingers, rocking chairs and chicken poop...

Karma can kiss my fat baby’s ass. Karma is a poopy-head.


Why am I mad at karma you ask? I’ll tell you. TWO pieces of my new kitchen countertop are wrong. Wrong size and a corner cut is wrong. I have to re-order and re-pay! I want to scream. I want to kick karma in the balls – if karma is a boy. I told Jenny this stuff happens to me via karma because really I’m not a very good person. She told me to stop talking smack about her best friend or she’d kick my ass. She’s confused – she should be kicking karma’s ass.

So yes – little delay. Little extra money. Apparently THESE are the reasons I work three effing jobs. Not to have money for shoes and clothes and trips – but to pay for ignorant mistakes during a kitchen remodel. (and yes – I will post pics when done)

The day isn’t a total loss. Oh wait – yes it is. Today I get to go to the doctor. I might be dying.

Okay I made that up. The dying part anyway. I had a hang nail a few weeks ago. I think I pulled out an artery or something when I clipped said hang nail cuz ever since then my little side of my finger is puffy and red and swollen and it hurts. So it’s been three weeks of me whining and putting off going to the doc cuz the social anxiety the doc causes is worse than my finger pain – until today. I’m going to get my nails done Friday and my little fingernail doing guy is going to push on my cuticles and I might poke out his little eyes with his file when he does from the pain…so I have decided to fix it before then.

It’s on my middle finger. So I get to leave work early, spend insurance money, get hives – all to walk into a busy doctor’s office to hold up my middle finger and say, “Fix this.”

If he starts rolling on the ground laughing at me – I won’t even kick him when he’s down there. It IS ridiculous.

Lastly, I forgot to tell you all my big fun celebrity news!

I met Lisa Ling on Sunday night. My sister got to interview her for a full 20 minutes! I didn’t even get hives.

How the hell does that work? I go to see an Uncle or a friend – and I’m sick to my stomach and covered in red blotches. I meet a woman who works for Oprah and has been on The View and – nothing. There’s something just not right about me.

The drama and exhaustion and general ick feeling of last week has followed me into this week. To stave off that feeling of general disgust – Jenny and I have been dreaming of our cabin in the woods. I think I’ve mentioned before we want to retire together – in the country – each with our own log cabins just feet apart.

Chickens. Dogs. Gardens. Rocking chairs. Etc. And shitloads of Skittles.

Today we have decided we will exercise each day even in our log cabin retirement days. You know – by walking to get the mail at the end of the short driveway. Either that or walking to the garage to get the four-wheeler to get the mail at the end of the short driveway.

Hey – call us crazy – but either we dream of rocking chairs and chicken poop or we do the ugly cry and drip snot into our Pepsis.

You choose.

15 comments:

Jess said...

Wow you are really dealing with some bullshit aren't ya. Karma is a bitch. I have days where I drop things (even my boobs) and I am like damn you Karma! Sit on it and rotate!

You will make it through though because you are a tough lil cookie....err..should I say skittle!

smooches!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Did you measure for the counter top or did they sent someone? If you didn't measure, then why do you have to pay for this mistake. And...don't ever pull a hang nail, they are directly connected to you heart, that's why you feel your pulse there when it hurts so bad. Hope all is well soon!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Hugs, Draz and good luck at the doctors office. I'm sorry about the counter redo. That sucks and I definitely wouldn't pay again if this was their mistake. If you have to pay for it again anyway, I would be tempted to get the counter somewhere else. Bad customer service pisses me off.

Nella said...

Great post!
I always look forward to them and they put a smile on my face! Cant wait to see pics!

Read said...

I hope the middle finger does not get stuck permanently in the up position - though it would be kind of fun....

I hope you'll let me visit the cabins. I'd love to ride some 4 wheelers - that would be so fun!

Amanda Kiska said...

I hate to say it, but I don't think you should get a manicure Friday. It sounds like your finger is infected and it should be completely healed before you introduce manicure tools into the mix.

I hope things calm down for you. I'm pretty sure remodeling is one of the seven levels of hell.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Big rainbow hugs....I hate that crap. Always something wrong.

Tori said...

Karma can be a nasty spiteful bitch! But I like your retirement plans. :)

Jacquie said...

I hope the finger is ok...sounds like you have a little infection.

I get exhausted reading about your adventures Draz! Good for you not stressing about Lisa. Is she as pretty in person as she is on TV?

Dawnya said...

Chica...you are freaking hilarious! I love every second of you life.

I hope that finger is feeling better. I can't wait to see the complete remodel.

Manda said...

Snot in ones pepsi is incredibly inconvenient. :-P

Ice Queen said...

Shouldn't that be Diet Pepsi? :P

*gagging at the thought of snot in soda*

If your contractor effed up the counter, why are you paying for the replacement pieces? They only reason for you to pay is if you changed your mind and wanted a different colour than the one originally agreed upon and ordered or if the fuck up was yours. If your contractor messed up, he should eat it. Not you.

Did you have Lisa Ling autograph your boobs? :D ^^

MizFit said...

your life-view and attitude rocks.

it WILL all come flowing back to you.

soon soon soon.

xo

carla

Beth Ann said...

My BFF & my fave ER story is when she had to drive me in at 1am so they could fix my hangnail. It had swollen so much that they couldn't even get the shot to deaden it to work because the numbing agent couldn't get through the swelling. So when they cut, it hurt VERY BADLY and I almost passed out. I thought BFF would kill me if I did. Ha! Good times.

Rachel said...

I feel your pain about the remodeling. When I had 3 of my bathrooms redone, my blood pressure went up really high..it is really stressful because of the time and cost (which went beyond original estimates)...I hope the kitchen ends up the way you want it though.