Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Living in panicked penis world.

Okay, ready? On the count of three – let’s all panic.

Then I’ll feel better…cuz I won’t be panicking alone. It’s that whole misery loves company thing you know?

I’m a chicken today – with my little head spinning around about to be cut off. I’m not farting gumdrops today – I’m shitting tornadoes.

As if Monday and Tuesday with 16 hour days, mosh pit worries, school meetings, and Board meetings on little to no sleep weren’t enough – I believe the little angels upstairs who are usually busy guarding over loved ones…have decided to take a break and play “Let’s f*ck with Draz and see just how much she can handle before she explodes”. The little twirps.

I say BRING IT ON. I’m not the same Draz I was even a year ago. I laugh in the face of spontaneity. I revel in uncertainty. I dream of being pulled in 16 different directions.

I’m like Martha Stewart and Betty Crocker rolled into one – complete with socks that match my underwear that match my napkins – minus the apron.

All week long I kept telling myself – just get through Tuesday and you’re home free.

Um…not so much.

I feel the need to write down the little challenges that are today – because – it calms me. Believe it or not – if I see it in type – it seems less daunting.

Here we go.

Let’s start with last night about midnight. It decides to thunderstorm. I’ve emailed God and asked him to hold off on any thunder until the weekends but I’m pretty sure he skipped that email and went on to others that really mattered. So we have thunder on a Tuesday night.

30 seconds later…we have Banana in our bed.

“Mama, I need to cuddle you.”

Yup – I don’t care what you do. You can sit on my head and play Barbies right now as long as I don’t have to open my eyes. So we cuddle. She sleeps and Rambo sleeps. I do not…because Banana is a squirmer. At one point about 1am I do remember rolling over and holding Banana tight in her silky pajamas. I remember feeling her breathe and thinking it comes close to the most precious feeling on Earth and I’m incredibly lucky….right as Banana rolled over and grabbed my hand to hold.

Then reality slapped the shit out of me and 2am came and I went on the couch. Let them sleep. 3am Rambo comes out and I hear him say, “Baby, what are you doing out here? Come back to bed with me so I can hold you.”

I say – there’s no room. Banana is in there. He says, “No she isn’t.”

Apparently she left. No one alerted the media. So I get up – go back to bed. 4am Rambo wakes me up to kiss me goodbye for the day. What a restful night. *sigh*

I get to work. Crazy busy. Fine – who cares. I’ll just eat pasta from Pizza Hut and start a Mountain Dew IV drip and be fine. While I coordinate and beg the sitter to take Banana to the dentist today because I cannot. While I coordinate with my mother telling her if Rambo has to work overtime she’ll have to pick up Watermelon from school.

While I coordinate with my PT woman trainer about coming to her house tonight to finish my report due in now only 8 days. While I coordinate with the other clerk – asking her to come meet us too so we can finish this crap.

While I realize Watermelon also has a 6pm meeting I have to take her to.

And then the phone rings and it’s my contractor. Work on our kitchen remodel was to begin next week – with a warning call first. He’s calling TODAY to say can he start TOMORROW?!!

Apparently he has a penis and therefore has no idea how to PRE-plan or PRE-warn his customers.

So he’s asking can I clean off every speck of countertop, move every curio cabinet, kitchen table, the grandfather clock and coats and “amuck” that is generally in one’s kitchen and dining room – tonight – in the 1 hour I have before I go to trainer woman’s house? So then I can paint the entire ceiling this weekend – because yes – that is what I want to do more than anything.

All this depending on if Rambo even comes home tonight cuz I can’t do it all alone. That stuff is heavy. Funny thing with that is that Rambo usually emails me ALL day long. A lot. Today?

One email at 6am and I haven’t heard from him since. Now to anyone whose husband works at a normal job – that’s no biggie. Rambo working in a Supermax prison and no email = scared Draz.

By noon I finally email him and say “Are you okay?”

One reply. He simply says, “It’s been a morning from Hell. I am just calming down.”

Jesus idiot. That tells me NOTHING. I need details. Are you hurt? Did you get assaulted? Did you have to suit up on an inmate? Is the FBI there again? We have one hour to nearly demo our damn kitchen tonight SO tell me if you’re coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!

The answer to that – “We can move stuff. I’m going to need some dessert. Want to have tacos tonight?”

Another person with a penis. I have no idea if he’s hurt or what happened because all the man can write about is sex and food….because in penis-world - sex and food rank right up there with breathing air and pooping on the priority list.

Yes, just try to be jealous of me. I live the life of a Princess.

I’ll be alright. I’ll go get a candy bar. Chocolate fixes everything. That’s a proven fact.

Anyone wanna bet on what time the migraine man arrives?

No worries. Like I said…I’ll survive. I’m a stronger me. I may be shitting tornadoes and my eyes are puffy and nearly closed shut and my body is screaming “Woman – have you ever heard of sleep?”…..but Ima gonna divide and conquer.

God help the Principal if he calls today to tell me B denied everything.

Today – Drazil is no ordinary lizard….he’s gonna have to be a damn dragon if we’re going to make it through the day.

He might even have to breathe a little bit of fire.


Karen Butler Ogle said...

You crack me up, Drazil in spite of your day from hell. I'm sending you big hugs and an "everything will eventually settle down" and wishing you a better rest of the day. Men! If you look up the word "oblivious" in the dictionary, every husband in the world will have his photo there.

LDswims said...

I don't see what's so unusual here...


Dawnya said...

A day in the life of doesn't get any better than this baby. I love it.

I hope you do finally get some sleep though.

Beth Ann said...

Good god, you are the best. Even through your frustration and freak outs, you are absolutely delightful. Did you just roll your eyes at me? Stop that. :) Hope the day gets better, chica!!

Darlin1 said...

You are GOOD..................

MandaPanda said...

I have this quote posted on my wall at work for days just like this...

There is no problem we cannot ignore, confront, plot against, drown in chocolate sauce or run over with the car.


Ms. M said...

We have the running joke here that Mr. Husband could have an axe sticking out of his head & still want sex. Those creatures with penis' are relentless...

Totally agree... chocolate can fix just about anything... temporarily at least.

Hope you get some sleep soon. Loves you.

Jess said...


This is your bed calling....lay your ass on me now and GO TO SLEEP!!!


Just eat that chocolate, that helps too! :)

Amanda said...

I am going to bow down to you right now!
I have a husband and a dog. Last week I had a God Daughter and it nearly killed me. YOu are doing very well my dear! Very damn well!

Sandy Lee said...

You made me laugh at work today which hasn't happened for a long time. Happy hauling stuff out of the kitchen. Don't forget to pack the essential junk food close by so you don't have to rip open evry box.

lanae said...

I'm exhausted just reading about your day! And yes I too bow to you. You're one amazing lil lady.

Cat said...

Oh, my. Yes, I think chocolate for eating, and the Mountain Dew IV would be very appropriate.

Wow. Just Wow...


Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm so sorry the penis's of the world were in full force today, but damn woman, you crack me up. And yes, you are woman, hear you roar. Go Draz!!!

The Cozy (not crazy) Coconut said...

I sure hope you get to catch a break sometime soon. You deserve it girl!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

your on fire~! and as always you have given me visuals to chuckle at!

Laurie said...

I'm exhausted just reading this. Someone with a penis would be like "yeh, what's the deal?"

Amy W. said...

hahaha...this post made me laugh and was beautifully written my little gumdrop goddess!