Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Stranger poop.

By now – you all know about my aversion to the P words…poop and puke…right?

Sweet Jesus – it’s hard to even type the words.

Let’s suffice it to say I had a near death experience due to a near poo experience over the weekend.

Both my girls had friends over. Yay me. That means they aren’t ripping each other’s hair out for at least a good 10 hours because they are focused on their friends. All is well in Care Bear Land.


Banana came out to me while I was basking in some reality TV pretending my children weren’t in my house making shitloads of noise and said, “Mom, Claire went poop in our bathroom and used too much toilet paper and now the toilet is stuck.”

Holy shitballs – literally. I’m torn between wanting to strangle her mother for not teaching her the proper amount of toilet paper to use and wanting to strangle her for thinking she can poo in my house. I mean really? Who does she think she is?

Like any good mother who is afraid of poop would do – I sat in the chair for a good minute or two so I could stop hyperventilating and to prepare myself for what I might see in my bathroom.

People – do you get what I’m saying? This isn’t even family poop. This is stranger poop. That ups the gross, gagging reflex by about tenfold. And no – Rambo wasn’t home or you can bet your asses I wouldn’t have moved from that chair.

God help me. It took everything in me not to put on a gas mask, gloves and a biohazard suit before I went in there.

Let’s just say I was scared.

I proceed to the bathroom. Slowly. What’s the rush right?

I half expected the toilet to be running over and the floor to be flooded and I’d have to dodge turds to even get to the plunger. But I digress…the floor was dry. No one had written on the walls with poop or anything terrible like that. The toilet looked normal from afar.

It even looked normal as I got closer.

When I finally dared look in – all I saw was toilet paper. Lots of it mind you – but still – just toilet paper. So far I can still breathe and stand upright. I still have a pulse.

And me being the woman that I am that knows nothing of toilets and their issues – I decide – what the hell? I’m going to flush it and see what happens.

I flush it.


If I wasn’t so close to a toilet, I would have fallen on my knees right then and there to praise God for my good fortune. I never even saw poo.

Turns out Banana is full of shit (oh come on – I couldn’t resist that pun) and freaked out for nothing.

Can you imagine the myriad of things that could have gone wrong here people? Honestly – just thinking about it sends me into convulsions.

I have issued a new rule in our house since Friday night. If you’re not family, you can’t poo in our house. Like ever. I’m not above making a big sign to hang on the door that says that.

Or making people sign a contract before they enter.

Claire is lucky she’s cute or her ass would have been sent home had things gone awry.

Poo trumps cute in my world.

What a close call huh?


MandaPanda said...

LOL! Honestly, that bathroom would just be closed for repair until Rambo got home. I don't do plunger business.

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh good lord. you freaking cracked me up this morning. thank you so much. I needed that

Food Freak said...

What a good post to wake up to this morning. It's a riot, to begin with, and expertly written. Great job!

Ronnie said...

Really? Like 3-5 squares is all you need, depending. Then again, I'm cheap. Maybe her mother buys super cheap toilet paper? Hmm.

Jen from Oregon said...

too funny!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

LOL, Drazil. You crack me up. I HATE dealing with clogged toilets. Sometime, there is no other choice though. I'm not amused by poop either but your stranger poop story was hilarious. It sounds so like ME.

Justawallflower said...

This is too funny! The little girl next door will be playing with my daughter, OUT SIDE, and come in to poop in my toilet! I have told her several times that she lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR, just as easy to go to YOUR house to poop, why must you come to MY house to do that? I only have to imagine the state of your bathroom that you insist on coming to mine!

Read said...

That's some funny shit!

Twix said...

Funny!! I love the sign idea. :D

Atleast you apparently don't have to deal with expando poop. It goes down and then later when you least expect it you flush and the toilet overflows. Ya, go figure. I have several in my house (not me) that are this poop talented.... plugging up the pipes.

I hate dealing with poo or puke. That bathroom would have been cordoned off with crime scene tape until the man of the house came home. ;-) Your brave!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

That is so funny! I have boys, everytime we have boys spend the night someone clogs the toilet! But, they are now old enough to plunge alone!

Scuttleboose said...

I did the same thing as a little girl, and I turned out okay. Well, kinda.

amandakiska said...

I think a sign on the front door would be great!