Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bullets for my boogers.

It feels like a bullet kind of day my little boogers.

• Does anyone find it strange that I can’t stand to barely type, think about or whisper the words “poop” or “puke” BUT I have no problem typing, saying or calling anyone a booger? Hmmm.

• Um get this….Watermelon is at school. Banana is at daycare. Rambo is at work. I am at work. No one is sick. I’m not sure what to do with that info as it’s so new and odd and freaking refreshing. I’m about to start farting Skittles like a machine gun spits out ammo because I’m so overjoyed.

• I made myself a new CD with all my fave songs on it. I just want to say right now that I want to sit in my car all day, eat cookies, drink Mountain Dew and sing at the top of my lungs. You should hear Banana belt out the words to “All the Single Ladies” by Beyonce. It makes my heart soar.

I am fat. Do not all gasp in horror. It seemingly happened overnight. After the M&M debacle. And since they put calories in Skittles. The good news is I can remedy this. But for this week, I shall remain fat. It is recovery week after all. I have official permission to feed the fat and remain fat and love being fat. Weehaw!

• Rambo and I are getting lasik eye surgery at the end of this month. This is all in an effort to overload my brain, my life and my general system until it shuts down completely. And also to see just how many times one person can be in or go to a doctor’s office in one month’s time. No really – it’s so we can ride the Harley wearing hot and sassy sunglasses. Ditto for swimming in my bestie’s pool. And for not wearing glasses when I run. And to better make googley eyes at Rambo from across the room…or something like that.

Speaking of which – at the eye appt on Monday – we waited one hour and were sitting by ourselves for a bit and Rambo leaned over and whispered, “Wanna make out in the corner?” Idiot. This from the same man who thought we should try to do it in the hospital. Sick and twisted…yet sweet I suppose.

Oh and the eye thing – get this! The doc asked Rambo his reasons for wanting the surgery. Did you know that when Rambo suits up in riot gear and goes in on an inmate he has to take his damn glasses off so he can wear his gas mask???? What the holy hell? He’s blind without them! And he’s suiting up and beating on an inmate without glasses???? JESUS. I did NOT know that until he told the doctor that. Some inmate was pissed his egg roll didn’t “look” right so he took it upon himself to throw his food and tray out his trap door at the guards and they ended up having to suit up on him and using gas. Wow huh?

• Rambo got the Harley out of storage and has lovingly cleaned every square inch of it. He wants us to ride it to Jenny’s so Jenny can take pictures of me on it with her stellar eye and camera. Naked on a Harley in Jenny’s back yard – yes, yes…Jenny would love that. He is such a penis.

• In case you were wondering – my ass cheeks still hurt from my migraine pain shots. I should probably call the news.

• Explosive Man stopped in my office to ask how my family was. Turns out he was sick too. Remember – this is the man who blows up EVERY time he goes in the bathroom EVERY day….so stupid me – I ask him, “Oh – did you have the flu too?” And then I wanted to crawl under a desk because I swear to God if he told me he had diarrhea I was going to scream “OH YOU MEAN LIKE YOU DO EVERY DAY right outside my effing door???” That’s not the flu – that’s your LIFE…and mine too thanks to you. Thank goodness Explosive Man simply said he had a fever. Bullet dodged.

* Also last night I was looking for more blogs to follow and found some cool ones.  Is it just me or when you find a new blog are you completely jealous of how cool it looks and feels and think "OMG - why didn't I think of that?  How come I can't write like that?  Would it be completely wrong to copy all of this and pretend I was this creative?"  No?  Yah.  Me neither. 

• On a slightly serious note….if you’re a long-time reader of mine, then you know my parents lost their entire house in a flood a few years ago and were forced to live with me, then in a camper and then finally to a new, beautiful house. You also know that the flooded, condemned and abandoned house still stands and I have to drive by it every day. Some days I don’t even look at it and some days I can’t stop looking at it. Some days I drive by and smile. Others I drive by and cry.

The paperwork from FEMA was finally completely just a few months ago and the government now officially owns the house. It is scheduled to be torn down soon. Before that happens – we need to say a final goodbye. My mom wants me to go with her and my sister will go too because if they tear it down and we don’t go back one last time – we’ll all regret that.

I need to run my hands over the walls in my old room and walk through the muddy kitchen and close my eyes and say thank you for the memories. I need to let last time before it is gone. I need to be grateful we all survived and maybe, just maybe I need to let go of some of the pain during that time. Some of the heartbreak and excruciating torment my heart felt at seeing my parents brought to their knees….because I fell too. Some things were said and done during that crisis that can’t be undone and I can’t forget…though I wish I could. The fact is – no matter the words and actions – we survived. There was immense generosity and good that made its way through the mud and muck too – and those are the moments I need to focus on.

That one day made me a different me. I don’t honestly know yet if I changed in a good or bad way and some parts of me still haven’t found a reason why but I refuse to stop looking. I still hang on bitterly to things like the fact that all my parent’s and mine and my sibling’s pictures are now gone and the fact that my parents were debt-free and suddenly forced to buy a new house and start over. I’m hoping when I go there to say goodbye one last time – that I let go of the physical home and the emotional burdens I still carry from that day. Please God – give me that ability. Please.

• Lastly – on a happy note – I worked in the yard last night. I have shitTONS of landscaping which translates into shitTONS of work but landscaping is something I can do all day and never notice the time. Mud, dirt, weeds, digging, planting….all of it is heaven to me.

Most of my landscaping is meaningful too. Rambo has spent entire days getting me driftwood from the rivers. I have a memorial garden with stones with all my loved ones names on them if they’ve passed away. A majority of the plants are from my relatives.

And? My mother was a HUGE landscaper too – almost ½ acre full of it. When the flood came – she had to leave most of it behind but we spent a good portion of sometimes every night in the summer going back there and digging up truck and trailer loads of plants to move to her new home and to mine. It was such hard work but we never stopped. It’s like we couldn’t leave them there – in the mud – never to be enjoyed by anyone again. I moved over 100 hostas alone to my house. And that many more to my moms and that was just hostas.

Anyway – my point is – last night as I pulled leaves and the winter off my plants – underneath I was given a surprise. All the little plants I painstakingly dug up, put in bags and transported home – lived. They are green and budding and I nearly cried at the sight of them. The flood didn’t take everything after all, my friends….


Stephanie said...

You just reminded me of my Mother...She has always loves Hostas. Congrats on the LASIK. Jason is having it done at the end of the year and I hope it is successful for you both! i think you need to anonymously leave a print out of my "How to Poop at Work" on Explosiveman's office desk. :)

Laura Belle said...

I've never had to lose everything in a natural disaster, praise the Lord (and knock on wood). Even though i've lived in 'Tordado Alley' most of my life. I can't even imagine.

You suck for getting Lasik. I want Lasik. I'm blind, my glasses are 10 years old (i look like i'm 10 when i wear them), and i'm always having contact issues. Maybe someday i'll be able to get it.

Good bullet post!

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

Aw. You so lovely.

1. good thing he didn't have diarrhea. someone could get hurt.
2. hooray for spring.
3. Rambo NEEDS lasik NOW.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I can believe your ass still hurts from the shots. You poor thing.

When I found your blog, I was all, I love this blog. So yeah, me neither. :)

Debi said...

My husband and I both had LASIK at the same time about 3.5 years ago. I can't believe how easy it was! You will both be so happy afterwards that you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier.

Wait .. you aren't supposed to copy other peoples posts and put them on your blog as your own thoughts? Crap. Apparently I've been doing it wrong this whole time :)

Good luck with saying goodbye to your old house. That can be so hard and my heart goes out to you and your family during this time. It is fantastic that you were able to save some of the plants - they will bring you happy memories for a long time to come.

p.s. I'm glad you are all feeling better!

Amanda Kiska said...


Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Great post! I like to think of flood waters like Baptismal waters, wash away the past, embrace the new. Hang in there!

Beth Ann said...

Draz, I love reading your posts. Happy, sad, frustrated, angry, proud, giddy, whatever...they never cease to make me feel. I look forward to each and every post. Just wanted you to know that.

Sandy Lee said...

What sweet points. And the trip "home" will be to say goodbye to a past. You've brought the memories to your place--partly with all the living plants in your backyard.

Life goes on and so will you. At least you'll see your way to the bathroom without putting on the glasses. So cool. Luvs you.

Camille said...

Had Lasik 10 years ago. One of the best things I ever did for myself. I'm glad life is back to "normal".

Donut Butt said...

I'm so glad to hear things are back to normal...I've been worried about you.

Lasik - totally jealous!! Can't wait to read the blog about it :)

Jen & Julie and I found something for you in Jackson...I know you're going to love it .

Love You!!

Katie said...

You will LOVE the Lasik. I got it done almost 3 years ago, and my only regret is not doing it sooner. Best money I've ever spent. Some days I am still amazed how clear my vision is! (20/15!)

Dawnya said...

Okay...can I please take your place for lasik?!?!? Please...on my knees in honey and cheese.

I would get a gas mask and go in the bathroom and curse Explosive Man out. That is freaking illegal. You should file a formal complaint.

I'm so glad your landscaping brings you such job. It is always good to have some tranquility in your life.

Dizzy Girl said...

Yayyyyyy!!! On so many accounts. The plants, the lasik, your family's health. I am so happy to hear more pep in your "step" babe. I miss you, let's catch up soon. Have a great weekend!! xoxoxo- D