Monday, April 4, 2011

Defeated, weak...failing and flailing.

My weekend sucked donkey dicks. Big green ones.

You all know I’ve had a stressful few weeks and my weekend began with a doc telling me my blood pressure was sky high. It’s to be expected – I’m in the middle of a kitchen remodel right?

It all went downhill from there folks. Banana complained her ear hurt Friday so we took her to urgent care. Ear infection – her ear drum completely perforated. Ugh. She was up most of the night.

We all know lack of sleep and stress cause my migraines and by Saturday morning at 9am I had already taken two pain pills. I had a few hours of relief – and managed to paint my wall underneath the bar, my chairs and my table and the migraine came back. I took another pain pill and nothing. I sat in the bathtub and cried and Rambo knew we had to go to the ER. He just knows when it’s too much.

No one was able to watch our girls so they had to come with us. I wish that could have been avoided. I have a really high pain tolerance so when I get to the point of going to the ER – the pain is unbearable. And when we get to the point of going to the ER – I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel pissed that it’s come to this. The time, the money, the waiting, my kids being scared, me unable to handle life – it’s safe to say I’ve pretty much lost it at that point.

My blood pressure that was high on Thursday – was 192 over 124 on Saturday….due to the pain they say. You think?

I laid there silently and the tears wouldn’t stop. I never made a sound so I wouldn’t scare the girls but I wanted to scream. I wanted to stop the tears but they kept on streaming through the washcloth they put on my eyes. And then all of a sudden I’d feel a tiny hand reach out and grab mine. And a little later I’d feel another little hand wipe my tears away. I’d hear a little voice say, “It’s going to be okay Mommy” and on the other side, I’d hear Rambo pull up a chair and feel him hold my other hand.

Even in my darkest moments – I am not alone. And while those instances are precious – I find myself pissed that I put the three people I love most into a situation such as that – where they were required to be upset and scared and caring of me.

I am so defeated in those moments – and the pain clouds everything. I can’t shake the feeling of being so angry at myself for not being able to handle life like other women do. I can’t stop being pissed that I failed by ending up in the ER. I am weak….in body and now in spirit – by the time I get to the ER. And I want it over.

Whatever they give me in an IV puts me to sleep for a while so Rambo was on his own with Banana and her ear….which was better by then thank God.

Until Sunday came and she started throwing up. I held her the entire day. Pale and fragile – and not talking or eating or drinking – the feelings of failing everyone just came rushing back.

And then the pooping came after the puking. She can’t even control it and so it’s cleaning and baths and changing underwear constantly and every time I sit by the bathtub or toilet with her….she looks at me with those pitiful eyes and says, “Mom, I have to get better for my birthday.”

Her birthday is in October people. It makes me smile a little. That’s my Banana.

And get this? I never gagged once. I refused to. I failed her the night before and I wasn’t going to repeat that.

Rambo stayed home again like I knew he would. He’s the guy that can do it all. Little to no sleep, has a cold himself, kitchen remodel, 3 jobs like me, one sick kid and a wife in the ER….and he still smiles and laughs and lives – and never fails – and isn’t weak. He has to be strong – because God knows I can’t be. We’d fall apart without him.

The stress has been mounting – with the school situation followed by tax time for the PT jobs. And remember the annual report due 3/31 but there was a glitch that wasn’t my fault? Well the State fixed that Thursday night – the night the report was due. I asked for an extension of one day since they just fixed it and the lady told me I didn’t qualify for an extension and she could legally finish the report for me and charge me for it.

Holy shitballs. That amped up the stress level. Jesus. And I send out all the water bills for entire Village on a quarterly basis. That happened to fall this weekend too. Hmmm….crazy much?

Too many factors all led up to the ER visit. Kitchen remodel finishes today – he’ll have to come back once when the new countertops arrive – but beyond that he’s done today. Whew right?

Jenny called this morning and everything I wrote above I said to her. I told her I’m weak in spirit and tired in body and she said I don’t know how to make you stop feeling that but you are not weak.

That was it. I just need that. For one person to say that and mean it like she did.

I believe her. Because I need to. Because I have no reason not to. And because I’m here – on a Monday – fighting to keep my eyes open and fighting the exhaustion and defeat. I’m working. Meeting deadlines. Making money. Being a wife and mother and co-worker the only way I know how.

And you’re damn right I’ll count the minutes until I can get home and hold Banana in my arms and tell her “Mommy is here”.

I will not give into this feeling of failing and flailing. This is a moment in time – a test of my inner strength. It will pass. It will end. I will end up stronger and better.

Everybody falls. Everybody falters.

Even someone who claims to be Superwoman occasionally.


Jacquie said...

Believe Jenny, YOU ARE NOT WEAK!

I hope Banana and her mama are feeling better!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

You friend is right. You are not weak even when you feel that way. Sometimes circumstances interfere with what we would like to do or be but they only slow us down a bit and eventually we get there. No more worrying about not being enough. You are more than enough to carry the load you do. Your kids know it and so does Rambo. Listen to what they say rather than what you feel. A wise man once said, "Don't trust your feelings; trust the truth. "

Anonymous said...

You will get through this because you are a BRAVE STRONG FANTASTIC FUNNY BRILLIANT woman. (yes caps on was me shoutin!) Seriously all things will work out and the future will be bright cos that is what you deserve!

Dawnya said...

Jenny is one smart cookie!! You are not weak!!!!! If anything you are strong...stronger than so many who would have just given up. You are a fighter, a mother, a lover and wife, a friend and an all around wonderful person!!

I'm sending you big hugs.'s okay to take off your Superwoman cape every now and again.

Marie said...

Only a strong woman can get through what you just went through!
You have a wonderful family and you all support each other! So wonderful

Liz said...

OMG, you are the furthest thing from weak. Read your own paragraph...

"And because I’m here – on a Monday – fighting to keep my eyes open and fighting the exhaustion and defeat. I’m working. Meeting deadlines. Making money. Being a wife and mother and co-worker the only way I know how."

You're doing it! Someone weak would have laid down and given up. That is so not you.

Sarah said...

You know, I don't comment often because I feel like I don't always add value, but let me just say this...

YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STRONG!!! You amaze me, inspire me, and I often leave reading your posts shaking my head in wonder at how you do it all... You are an inspiration you know... maybe you don't know it, so let me just reiterate that for many of us - YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!!!

Hang in there and get well soon, and be kind to yourself - you have an amazing family... sending prayers your way my friend...


Pamela E. Williams said...

I don't see weak when I read this post. I see strength that surpasses anything else.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Hang in there honey, I hope everyone feels better. You are strong. I think you know's time to own it!

LDswims said...

You are not failing. Flailing, maybe, but definitely not failing. You are strong and caring and wise and compassionate and kind. You carry two children and a husband and a village on your back. You may think Rambo is carrying you, but I assure you, it works both ways.

I just want to hug you. Please please please give yourself a break! You promised me that if I slowed down, so would you. I'm waiting. I'm down. Feet up and down for the count. When will you take care of you? Please please please!

Food Freak said...

Drazil, I have migraines; had 'em since I was 19. A Class 10, which is what you just had, is something NO ONE can handle. Kareen Abdul-Jabar, the tough basketball player, had to miss games for them, and used to sit and cry in the locker room. If a tough guy like him couldn't take it, what are you supposed to do? Laugh it off?

You're not weak, and you're not failing. Just get that out of your head. You have a vascular and neurological disease that can cause extraordinary pain and suffering.

See how much love your family has for you?

Please take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

You are far from weak, just human. I hope you and banana feel better.

Justawallflower said...

Honey, I wish you would not feel this way. I also have migraines. Have my whole life. Mine are weird though. I have the physical pain, but other times I get really bad dizzy spells where I can't even get up and walk. I have black outs. Anyway, my point is, would you call me weak for occasionally having to go to the ER for some relief? I don't think you would. You need to realize that for some, this is part of life. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. I hope you find some relief, Banana as well. Try to go easy on yourself!

DiZneDiVa said...

You are dealing with so much and have stayed strong so long... There's nothing weak about you. Superwoman is an understatement. Things will get easier again. Banana will feel better, work will be less stressful, Rambo will be working less, your kitchen will be gorgeous and user friendly... Soon. So keep hanging on and Don't give up the fight, because you're winning! *M*

Gen said...

So so sorry you have all this pain and insanity right now. You are not weak at all, you will come through this even stronger!

Read said...

Weak? Um... confused here. Because you had a migrane that sent you to the ER, you're weak??? I'm not following... When I broke my leg while skateboarding and ended up in the ER, did that make me weak?

Or wait... when my dad looses his eyesight when he has a migraine and has to stop moving lest he fall and hurt himself further - does that make him weak? Or when my sister is violently throwing up, sometimes popping the blood vessels in her eyes, due to her migraines does that make her weak? Damn!! I had no idea. Here all this time I thought they were strong for continuing to function as long as they do with that kind of pain. My bad. I'll definitely point and laugh next time I see them on the floor with a wet towel over their head.

Hang in there - I hope you and banana both are feeling all better soon!!

MandaPanda said...

You're anything but weak. Sending good thoughts your way for a healthier week ahead.

MrsFatass said...

You're not weak.

And not alone.

And I love you.

Laurie said...

I am not only so sorry that you had to go through ALL of this, but I am sorry that you feel like a failure for it, rather than feeling sad and tired and worn out and pissed that you were sick. A failure? NO WAY! You are an awesome and strong woman and a mom who does a MILLION things and sometimes, maybe your body is saying: ENOUGH!
No, not a failure AT ALL.....

Beth Ann said...

Holy crap, Draz! That is just too much for anyone. You are strong and amazing and will overcome, no doubt. Your body just needed a break. Super big hugs, girlfriend!

Lonicera said...

I've seen what migraine does to co-workers whom I know well, and I understand the pain is horrifying. Is there no clinical solution?? No regular medication that will at least slow them down long term? Your doctor should read your post. Do hope you're over the worst.

Kenda said...

I am in total agreement with everyone of the comments above, and most likely any comments that show up below. Now, to pass on word of wisdom a wise mentor gave me. If it were Banana or Watermelon dealing with exactly what you have and are dealing with, would you call them weak?? Would you tell them to suck it up? I honestly can't see you standing in front of your daughters, if they were adults in your situation, and telling them they are weak failures, and bad moms. So, why are you telling this to yourself? The words of wisdom stated: treat yourself as if you are your own parent. Mother yourself as you would mother your children.

When you start to hear the negative self talk, or feel like you are less of a woman, for circumstances outside of your control, make sure you think of what your words would be to your daughters.... AND SAY THEM TO YOURSELF.

You, by allowing yourself to accept help, love, and comfort from your family, are providing the BEST example of a woman and mother for your girls. You are showing them that it is OKAY to lean on the ones you love, as well as be the one they can lean on. You also are showing them that a strong woman not only takes care of everyone, but also herself. You are teaching them it is okay to be human. This will help them greatly when they are older. By accepting their care and support now, you teach them how to care and support others in their lives. They are learning empathy and sympathy. These are needed in relationships, and having these experiences will make them stronger and more loving women.

Drazil, I am in awe of all you do, and all you are. Life SUCKS! yet I see your posts always containing at least one positive statement, and to me that is amazing. You are very inspiring and wonderfully eloquent. You have, in previous posts, stated things and explained your experiences and emotions better than I ever could! I deal with many similar issues, yet can't verbalize nearly as well how those experiences affect me. You have. You are an inspiration. Please, continue to lean on your family and friends when you need to. Because we all lean on you too.

I hope you, and your Banana, feel much better very soon!

Sam said...

After reading your post and all the remarks, all I can say is that I agree with everyone else, you are by no means weak.
I hope your week improves :o)

Stephanie said...

I hope you are both feeling better and girlfriend, no, you are one of the strongest women I know. Keep your chin up!

Amanda said...

You are so not weak! You are woman..hear your roar! It can be a stressed roar sometime...a pissed roar (my husband loves those) By goodness lady, you do what has to be done for your family.

I swear I got a tear when a little hand wiped your tear and held your hand! You have a good family!

Jess said...

Oh you sweet thing! You are not weak for feeling unbearable pain. If anything, you are stronger for having to deal with such awful intense gut wrenching pain. I know headaches well and I cringe reading the description of yours. I hurt for you!

I hope your baby gets well too!

Amanda Kiska said...

Humans are rather fragile creatures really. Illness, accidents, pain can cripple us in an instant. But you are no more fragile than anyone else. You shouldn't blame yourself for being sick. It isn't your fault. Was it Banana's fault for getting an ear infection? Of course not! Now please grant yourself the same courtesy you grant everyone else.

Bringing Pretty Back said...

You are NOT failing or weak!!! You are an amazing momma, wife and woman! What is wrong with hurting and crying. nothing. Cry away!
Hugging you from michigan.

Ginger said...

Draz I hope everyone is feelig better at your home!

mommykinz said...

I feel your pain and hope you are able to reach out and ask for help. No matter how strong we want to be we can use a little help now and then.