Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Defining your kind of ass....

Sucktastic and shitabulous.

Yup – those two words sum up April in a nutshell. March sucked a fat baby’s ass too so I was all gung ho for April and now? I want it over.

Yes, yes – this is me – living in future mode again – wanting today and the next few weeks over so I can feel just slightly like myself again soon. Cuz lately – I feel like a frog filled with way too much air – about to explode.

I have found myself lately – in such desperation to shed my extra winter pounds – that I’m looking at diet pills and quick fads. I even found one where all you drink is lemon water mixed with syrup for like 2 weeks or something. Really? You lose weight on that? Shocker. No food for 14 days. Imagine that.

But no – I won’t buy any or do any. I know what works. I just have to start doing “what works”. Novel idea huh?

The night before Rambo walked in after his 5 mile walk and nonchalantly said to me, “Man, I wish we could afford Nutrisyst-m. I just talked to Dan and he’s lost 40 lbs on it and he says it’s easy.”

If you’ve ever wanted to see my head spin around and smoke come out of my ears – well, you should have been there the moment after he said that. Jesus F*ck. Are you serious?

I said (in my haughty, all knowing, holier than thou, I’m the Queen of diets voice) – Atkins is easy. Weight Watchers is easy. SlimFast is easy. Eating only boogers is easy. Working out can be easy. As I’m sure Nutrisystem is “easy”.

I nearly punched him in the balls and threw the remote at him. Granted – this was right after my mom/sister talk – but still.

I’ve literally mapped out every diet known to mankind for him in the past and he does great – and then stops. We can afford Nutrisystem idiot – we just aren’t gonna. Hmm - purses or Nutrisyst-m. What a dilemma!

He just doesn’t want it bad enough. His extra 30 lbs doesn’t hinder him. He’s even running a race in June. He is active and works out and all his medical numbers are good too. There’s no reason beyond vanity at this point to make him want to do the extra work. Never mind the fact that some day his medical numbers will not be okay. There is that little tidbit I suppose. (eye roll)

I can’t blame him. Lately I don’t want it bad enough either. I’m 3 years out from my lowest weight and my tummy tuck and I weigh 20 lbs more now than I did then. Smart to spend $5000 on oneself and then just let go isn’t it?

I’m not even mindless eating. I’m completely mindful. When I run my bath full of Skittles and climb in to sit and eat my bowl of Heath and cookies & cream ice cream – I completely know what I’m doing. I am fully aware that I am NOT hungry at all. I even talk to myself and say those words.

I’m not kidding. Last nite – bath running – ice cream bowl in hand I said out loud to myself – “You’re not hungry. When will you decide you are good enough to get healthy for yourself? When?” Then I shut up because talking out loud to oneself in the bathroom is kind of frowned upon if you want people to assume you’re sane.

And I turned away – because I can’t stand to look at myself much these days.

I do think it’s about time though. I have my meals planned out and none of my kids are in the hospital. Tax time for the two other jobs is over. Soon I’ll be all sassy cuz I won’t have to wear glasses anymore. I’ll want to wear skimpy tanks on the back of the Harley.

I have to admit my size 8s are tight. That sucks green donkey dicks with cheese on top.

It is time to go back to what I know works. It is time to do this for me because I’m worth it.

I want to be the girl who lost all the weight by working her ass off – not the girl who gained it all back because she started sitting on her ass.

Which brings me to ask – what kind of ass do you have? The one that gets worked off or the one that gets in a lot of sitting??

Or do you wanna be the kind of ass that farts gumdrops? I hear that’s fun too.


Laura Belle said...

Currently my ass is getting worked off. But there are many times when it just likes to be enveloped by my fluffy couch.

I'm working up to farting gumdrops. I'll let you know how that goes;-)

Amanda Kiska said...

I'm just catching up on your posts. I can relate to your feelings about confronting your mom. The feeling of wishing you hadn't done it, I mean. I always feel bad when I stand up for myself and I usually regret it. Sometimes it is easier to not say anything. But it doesn't feel like I'm being true to myself. I don't know what the answer is.

I'm sorry you're struggling with food and tight 8's. I'm confident that you know what to do and will get to it soon!

Beth Ann said...

Hmmm...both? :) Most of April it got worked out HARD! But this week (and probably next), not so much. But then there is May and just like (right before) every other month...it will be MY month to kick ass! It will be yours too.

Ms. M said...

"I want to be the girl who lost all the weight by working her ass off – not the girl who gained it all back because she started sitting on her ass."

I love that statement. It is sooooo how I feel. Gaining back the amount I have is hitting me HARD. Its hard to see the success that remains when my clothes are tight & I've got a mini donut in each hand. Hence my post today...

We both know what to do... time to get our asses moving & do it. :)

Dinnerland said...

Thanks for the encouraging comment on my blog-- it meant a lot. You're right that I should not be saying 'sorry...' but it is so good to get that feedback anyway.

Donut Butt said...

My ass right now is planted firmly on the couch...why? Because it's freaking snowing outside. My ass had plans after work to walk 3 miles, to burn some off the chips I had for lunch, and to beat last week's time. In the 15 minutes it took me to get from work to home the sky went from blue to gray...and it started to snow. So my ass really really wants to work hard and shrink from a Krispy Kreme to a Hostess Mini Donut...but today it's holding down the couch. Tomorrow is a new day...and a new weather forecast.

And by the way...I think we should get to see a little purse porn....you tease us with a new purse and then don't show the goods. Amy W showed us hers...now it's your turn :)

Sarah Williams said...

What if my ass is in between? It's getting worked out but it likes sitting too? LOL I am working on getting my motivation back to faithfully work out. Maybe I should hang a donut in front of my treadmill and run after it? Maybe that will work.

Dizzy Girl said...

Well, I can't seem to stay on the fat losing wagon so I guess that puts me on the fat gaining wagon and I hate this freaking wagon. Someone get me the hell off of here.

Newsflash- size 8 is NOT FAT. Try again.

Love you-



Stephanie said...

I have a totally non-decisive ass. Sometimes she wants to sit around eating bon-bons (well, not really) and be totally lazy, but then she gets in the mood to get worked off in the gym. for the last few days, she's been in her lazy mode. No wonder the scale isn't moving for me...LOL

Ice Queen said...

Mmmm... Cheese... Even scraped off green donkey dicks.

Yep, you know what to do. You know how to do it and you will. Your process is your own and you will get there. I have no doubt. And yes, you are worth it. So worth it. *nods wisely*

My ass is huge. And soft and lazy. It gets a lot of sofa time. It does a lot of up and down the stairs and it has been walking, again. So, it is both. Working and relaxing.

MandaPanda said...

Lately, it's just doing a lot of sitting...and laying...and leaning...and anything but working...