Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I Wish Wednesday...

Ima gonna do an “I Wish Wednesday” since I haven’t done one in a while. I’m going to list the things I wish I could say or do here because I can’t do or say them in real life. Should be fun – feel free to join in on your own blog.

• I wish I had something super fantastically cool to write about. I think I’m going to steal an idea from my little, good friend Dizzy. I say little cuz she’s like a tiny pea pod – all skinny and sassy and always fighting to stay that way. Anywhoozle…the other day on her blog she asked her readers if they had any questions for her and I thought that was a stellar idea. It was sooo cool to see her answer them because I totally feel like I got to know her better. So – because I don’t have an original idea to save my ass – I’m wondering if you guys have any questions for me that I haven’t ever answered or something you’d like to know about me. Ask away – I’ll answer tomorrow.

• I wish I could have taped Rambo’s convo with his Elmer Fudd turkey hunting buddy last night. I’m not kidding. They were calling each other “man” and “buddy” and I heard things like “I cannot wait”. “I’m so excited.” “I’m so looking forward to this.” “I want to make out with you.” Okay - I made that last one up. The others were real. I sat on the couch and I literally yelled out loud, “Please stop making love to each other on the phone. Are you going to sniff each other’s butts when you meet in the woods tomorrow?” Good God.

Rambo says I’m jealous. Um no. Getting up at 5am when it’s my day off and it’s 30 degrees outside to whisper like a bunch of jackasses in the woods is not something I’m jealous of. Add a hot purse and stiletto heels and some chocolate into the mix and I could maybe be swayed into jealousy.

• I wish I had more energy – so as to work out and so as to have the stamina to kick Martha Stewart’s ass. Her office is right across from mine and while I have mentioned before that she is proper beyond belief – as in like her underwear matches her napkins which match her perfect jewelry and makeup and her perfect umbrella and on and on. BUT when it comes to the etiquette of blowing one’s nose like a princess – Jesus F*ck – I want to kill her. Explosive man is blowing up on one side of my office and Martha Stewart is blowing her nose like a whale on the other side. I need and want to work in a bomb shelter. I will never understand Miss Martha and her nose. I just don’t get it.

• I wish I could fix my cholesterol all on my own with diet and exercise. Wait a minute – I can. Let me re-phrase that. I wish I had the self control and will power to fix my cholesterol all with diet and exercise. For now, I’m trying this new powder stuff called Bios Life. Now yes – in full disclosure – it has dual powers. It’s supposed to keep you full but it doesn’t replace meals like Slimfast or Herbalife does. And it only has 15 cals. Quite a few people here have taken it and swear by its ability to straighten out their cholesterol numbers so I’m going to give it a shot. If it keeps me full – well then – bonus for me right?

I’ve heard it keeps women regular too but as soon as they start talking about being regular I stick my fingers in my ears and yell “lalalala” loudly so I can’t hear them talk about poop like it’s just something we should all talk about at work. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Poop is never to be talked about anywhere at any time. You feel me?

• I wish I could say “you feel me” like I just did above all the time. It’s so fun to say. And I could whip out some gangsta hand signs when I said it and look all badass at the same time. Yes? Okay fine – no.

• I wish to say that Rambo’s job is reedick sometimes. Yesterday he had to go to SWAT training….8 hours in the pouring rain, then sleet, wind and then snow. In full riot gear and gas masks and such. Can you say yuckarooni? The reedick part? Well – he came home and told me at one point they were training about being super aware of their surroundings…which makes total sense right?

The way they trained this was to put towels over their helmets and heads so they couldn’t see a damn thing and they still had to find the “bad guy”. Can you imagine the sight of a bunch of men in black riot gear head to toe, helmets, gas masks, in the pouring rain with towels over their heads? Imagine what one might think if you drove by and saw that? Wow. I mean I get it and all but the actual sight of it must look crazy.

• Lastly I wish to say that I wish every woman alive got to do what I do almost every night when I get home. I bet you’re thinking it’s something fan-freaking-tabulous right? Well no. Just to me I guess. I come home. I set my bags down. I go into our bedroom and I strip down to naked. I get in bed and I cover up and lay down.

In no less than 5 minutes later, Rambo comes in. He stops whatever he was doing and he comes in – and he gets under the covers with me and he holds me and sometimes we talk and other times we say nothing. The girls usually come in and out a dozen times and other times they think we’ve disappeared. It can be 5 minutes or up to 30 but it’s the end of my work day. It means I conquered another day professionally. It means I can relax now. It means I am loved. It washes away the whole day. It means I am home. And I wish everyone had that feeling every day. I’ve come to figure out that without it – things seem skewed. And with it? Things seem….just right.

That’s it for me! What do YOU wish for this Wednesday?

Oh and don't forget to ask me any questions you might have!


Lonicera said...

Of all the aspects of your life you describe, it always strikes me that the hardest is the fear of going out on social occasions, and the hives it gives you - it's so brave to fight it when you could easily stay at home. So I'd like to ask you how you coped at the Boobs gathering in Chicago last year. Was it an ordeal despite the fact that you had plenty of fans around you?

Laura Belle said...

First, are you back to Care Bear Land and bathing in Skittles? Because I think you are. And I love it!

Second, I wish I could say this to some managers at my Hell (aka place of work): I understand that you want this project like yesterday, but do you understand that if you come in my office ONE MORE TIME to ask how it's going, I'm going to shove said project up your ass! Then I would ask them if they would mind if I go to the liquor store, buy a enormous bottle of tequila, proceed to chug it and finally, blissfully pass out on top of my desk (all while 'on the clock' mind you).

I love wishing.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Great post, Drazil and I go along with the getting naked part and lying down when I get home. The only problem is that Dail is not always here with me. I like having the freedom though to be naked in my own house and to stay in bed and just be comforted if I want to. Snuggling with my pillow and blankets after being out and facing the world is a wonderful thing and it is even better when Dail gets home and can snuggle up with me, just catching up on the day.

Nikki said...

I feel ya on the dumb stuff jobs have some people do...I totally did get a visual on the whole riot gear thing with the towels...

Almost as good as "battle focus PT" here that they have my hubbs do. It's DUMB. Full Army Combat Uniform...with sneakers...and a rubber rifle...running and jumping into a pool and then having to still manage to have control of your weapon...and then take off your pants and use them as a flotation device while still being able to fire said weapon if needed...

Mind you...they are training to go to Afghanistan...someone PLEASE tell me where they will encounter that much water in the desert?!

My point! :)

Glad to see you do an I wish Wednesday...kinda missed em...and I would so do it...but I would be all whiney about wanting this dangon kid outta will wait! :P

Lyla said...

Awww-- your nightly ritual is awesome.

Dazee Dreamer said...

omg. I bet they do sniff each others butts. ok, I kid, but wow, are you sure they're not girls?

hmmmm, a question. POOP, I can't think of any right now. SHIT, this is going to bug me till I do. :)

Wendy said...

Lol .......I wish you had a video to share of the guys in their gear wearing teepee'd towel helmets;)