Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Re-finding my fierce.

Hi Skittles!

Can we all just collectively say thank God Monday is behind us?

I suppose now that things are back to semi-normal…I should start confessing.

Confessing what you ask?

Well how about we start with confessing what I’m having for breakfast?

Are you ready? *sigh* Here goes.

Almond M&Ms and Mountain Dew. Breakfast of champions. I opted for the M&Ms with almonds…you know – for the protein and the amped up nutritional value.

While I do realize that my life has been….um how do you say it – orange BATSHIT crazy lately (make the batshit orange and it sounds more fun)…it is NOT an excuse. It’s just not.

I mean really – can any of you imagine how much better I would have handled this shit storm (literally) had I been healthier? Maybe I could have even scrubbed poop off my daughter’s bed without making loud gagging noises because I would have seen my six pack ab reflection in the mirror at the end of her bed and I’d have been distracted enough not to notice that I was indeed scrubbing POOP!

As it was – I merely threw up in my mouth because of the poop and because the only reflection I saw was a muffin top.

As my little Banana was in the hospital – I was almost there myself. I ended up in the ER with a migraine before they admitted her and while she was in the hospital I ended up getting two pain shots in my ass. You should see my bruise. I make Rambo kiss it every night. Also – I’d just like to ask a random question here.

When I got my two shots in my ass – this is how it went down. Banana had already been in the hospital a day and a half. I had not showered and apparently I had forgotten what a comb is used for. I had on sweatpants and a shirt of Rambo’s that I was drowning in. I looked kind of like Roseanne Barr on crack and just about as grumpy.

Not to mention we sat in that doctor’s office for one hour before they got me in a room - for 30 seconds worth of shots. Rambo was nearly ready to suit up in riot gear and go all prison guard on their asses. I mean really? An hour? Clearly none of them EVER had a migraine with a child in the hospital at the same damn time – without combed hair.

And who is assigned the duty of giving me ass shots? A blonde, size 0 – so chipper and sweet I nearly shoved those shots into her eyes. She was too nice to hate….but believe me I tried. I stand up and drop my drawers thanking God I decided against wearing my trusty brown granny panties with the ripped edging – and stood there while Miss Perfect USA shot me up.

And to add humiliation to my lovely appearance and situation – I get nauseous. Like I drank a bottle of tequila room spinning – God help me – I’m going down nauseous. From shots in my ASS people. Who does that?

I was pale. They made me lay down. They gave me water. They were freaking out. I wanted to die – from the head pain or ass pain – I could have cared less. Just kill me now. I am being kept from my daughter in the hospital because I can’t handle ass shots.

Never mind I hadn’t eaten in a few days and was pooping like the Niagra Falls…still. Can’t I have a little dignity?

Anywhoozle, back to my point. I went some days without eating. The next day I’d eat nothing but sugar. We had to eat out or eat hospital food. I slept on the floor of the hospital (cots weren’t much better) so my back and neck are still killing me. I had no energy. I’m not sure I drank any water. I was listless and migraine filled. My body was screaming – DO SOMETHING. You can’t go on like this.

Still…I didn’t listen. I took comfort in not cooking which meant ordering out. Instead of working out – I worked on my jobs or worked on my napping skills. I told myself I deserved it. When my body told me I wanted to go out for a run – I told it to shut up. Who would run at a time like this? Only effing Wonder Woman and it’s pretty clear – I ain’t her.

An athlete would. A person who cares about their body would. A person who has embarked on a health journey would. A person committed to herself would. A mother who wants to be there for her kids would.

That person used to be me. That person is me.

Soon. I feel like this week is still “allow yourself to recover” week. I’m catching up at all the jobs. I’m getting my house back in order. I’m making a plan for food. I found my running shoes. I put new music on my MP3. I mapped out a new run route.

I learned a lot these past few weeks. Number one being I am far from perfect at anything. Number two being that my health is a priority. *I* am a priority. How I feel is a priority. Doing what it takes to get that back is a priority.

I won’t be doing anything crazy like putting down the M&Ms or anything BUT I might only eat 10 instead of the entire 2 lb. bag.

I feel my “fierce” coming back. Slowly but surely – as I tackle the piles of dust in my house and in my heart that have accumulated lately – I feel my inner athlete begging me to sweat and run and use this body I have been given.

How about you? How have you been treating your temple? Can you re-find YOUR fierce?


Dawnya said...


You never lost your fierce...it was temporarily misplaced. I see you girl. I see you running and doing your thing. You got this!!

I'm still not running though...and exercise still blows. But I'm doing it.

You rock as a Mom...because I would have cried if I was required to clean up poop. LOL

Dazee Dreamer said...

You are always fierce. Even tho you don't think so.

And yes, no food....migrane....and shots will definitely cause you to pass out. Don't worry. Even tho I'm with you on the size 0 nurse.

Barbara said...

Draz.. go easy on yourself First, I am happy to read that everyone is on the mend. Ya being sick sucks.. But know this..(your fierce never left you). It just focused on more important fierce issues. You made me laugh about the size 0 nurse. glad you are back!! hugs

Sarah Williams said...

I am in the process of refinding my fierce too, its been lost for a couple weeks.

Shannon said...

hey hun! sorry i have been absent lately. Things have been so busy on this end.

I hope your daughter is back to her old self :)

Stephanie said...

I'm trying to refind my fierce, but it doesn't help when my trainer keeps cancelling or rescheduling my training sessions (happened AGAIN last night). I'm glad you got something for the pain, although taking it in the butt is never fun (and I meant the shot, you perverted people!) but I hope it helped. I am a migraine sufferer, too, so I can totally sympathize. I am glad banana is better, too. hugs to you and girl, you will have your mojo back to 100% soon!

Ms. M said...

I'm so glad you're remembering that YOU are a priority. So easy to forget that when the kids & family are sick. Your fierce never left you... look under the 2 lb bag of M&Ms. I'm sure its there. :)

Glad you guys are all on the mend. <3

Gilly said...

Raaaar! :)

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Draz your fierce has always been there but maybe it just got pushed into the back....and never come down on your self for going into survival mode. I am glad you and Banana are getting better. You will be hitting the pavement in no time

Jacquie said...

You never lost it honey, you just got a lot side-tracked. Who wouldn't? Thank God every one is on the mend and I commend you for making steps to get back on track and getting your "house" in order.

LDswims said...

Your fierce is your devotion. You never lost your fierce.

An athlete that runs during all that is missing some perspective, in my book. Life happens and if you act like it doesn't, by running, well, you are missing life's message. I think you did exactly the right thing and I think you need to give yourself credit for that. You were in the moment. That's harder, especially when the moment is brutal!

Eat those M&M's and share them with Rambo, Watermelon and Banana. You all deserve a treat!

Darlin1 said...

Sooo glad to hear you are all on the mend!!

Take good care of yourself!!


JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

I love you Draz. I'm so sorry it's been so rough. I feel you on the hospital, and i hope that you ARE able to take this week and build yourself up.



Tori said...

Taking time out allows you much needed perspective. You got this!

lanae said...

I am inspired and amazed by your fierceness~ That was an incredible journey through migraine land! So glad you're better!!!

Amanda said...

I'm inspired by the simple fact that you're not a drooling pile of jello on the floor after the past few weeks you've had. M&Ms are minor, and you've got a good grip on that.

Well done :)

Beth Ann said...

I'm working on it. I'm SO glad you are coming back to normal. You need some boring! :)

Read said...

I'm so glad it's still "allow yourself to recover" week!! I'm very, very proud of you for that! I too have been feeling my fierce coming back. I'm not ready to claim her just yet, but I see her sauntering towards me in the distance. It's fairly calming to know she isn't flat out dead.

Hang in there and continue to go easy on yourself!!

♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥ said...

I didn't feel so well over the weekend. I was CRAZY sore for two days. I was active, but my body didn't get the workouts it was craving. And tonight, when I started working out, I realized that my body needed it so badly. I felt so much better!

My eating has been pretty decent in the last few weeks. I've been doing 101 crunches per day - everyday, and my workouts have been mostly awesome.

We don't have to be perfect. We just have to keep trying. Sounds like that's your game plan, and it's a good one.

You're going through so much..wow. I hope things calm down soon so you can feel strong and rested.