Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The first time "I confess"...

I know it’s “I Wish Wednesday” BUT recently I’ve been following some new blogs and have seen a bunch of people doing an “I confess” blog post and it so looks like fun so I’m stealing joining in on the idea. If I knew whose original idea it was, I’d totally give credit but I haven’t been able to figure that out yet.

So here we go…let’s hope it’s as fun as it looks.

• I confess that my husband is insane. Pervertedly insane. He came to bed last night and scared the crap out of me. He said – in his most alarmed voice – “My God, there’s something wrong with my balls. When I went pee, I found cobwebs around them.” Oh he’s a funny guy isn’t he? I can’t make this crap up people. I refuse to even tell you how long it’s been since he’s had dessert. Suffice it to say – there ain’t cobwebs anywhere in that vicinity. Jebus.

• I confess that I found another P word I hate. I cannot and refuse to type it. Poop and Puke are as far as I can go. I have to draw the line somewhere. I figured out this third P word when Rambo stated the above. He followed it up with…”I found cobwebs around them from lack of _______.” Yes, he used the porn word for my vagizzle. It rhymes with wussy. I am hereby striking the letter P from my alphabet. It has no place in my life. And yes, Rambo is vulgar. He gets a free pass though – he’s surrounded my criminals all day so he can’t help it right?

• I confess that my house is so messy right now that Child Prot*ctive Services could come in and have reason to take my kids away from me. Well, that’s if they could find the children. I’m waiting until Friday to clean everything and letting it go until then because I’m lazy like that. (It’s not that bad…I haven’t spotted mold yet anywhere.)

• I confess I have a list a mile long of things to do before I host my jewelry party Saturday and yet last night, I sat on my azz reading blogs or watching TV. Turns out the TV and computer still work even in all the filth. Rambo says we’re real life trailer trash now cuz our house is a mess and we have a Harley in the garage. I guess those are the two qualifications yes?

• I confess that my heart broke watching the wounded soldier come home yesterday – seeing him without legs. He never stopped smiling though and his wife has never left his side. Over 200 Harleys showed up to escort him through town and home. All the schools let the kids make signs and stand on the side of the road to wave to him as he went by. Rambo shook the soldier’s hand and said, “I’m glad you made it home, brother.” The soldier looked at Rambo and said, “No IED is going to stop me.” THAT my friends is bravery at its finest and I’m glad Rambo took part in that moment.

• I confess that this morning at 4am when Rambo got up to go turkey hunting, I said something to him as he left. I also remember him saying, “What?” I then remember saying what I said again. What I don’t remember is what I said. Shitballs. Don’t you hate it when you do that? Converse in your sleep. I have no literal idea what came out of my mouth. I could have said the brown fox pooped in a wheelbarrow for all I know. I confess I cannot wait for Rambo to tell me what I really said…though I’m a little nervous.

• I confess that last night when Rambo went outside for a second and the phone rang and I saw it was his mom I ran into the bathroom to pee suddenly…because everyone knows you can’t answer the phone when you’re peeing right? Right? (Yes, my life is ruled by the effing toilet – at work and at home)

• I confess that last night I bought 6 pairs of shoes online…and justified it by saying “I got free shipping!” Woot! OMG – wedges, nude pumps, leopard pumps...and on and on. I have an addiction. It is evidenced by the fact that this morning I spent 10 minutes on my literal hands and knees diving through my piles of shoes to find a certain one. It is beginning to take longer to find my shoes than it is to get dressed. Is there therapy for shoe addictions? Sure there is – stop buying shoes – just focus on purses.

• I confess that my 5 year old hating soccer secretly makes me want to do cartwheels and shout for joy! It’s one less game we have to go to – so shoot me.

• I confess I am a diet method whore. I ordered yet another diet book yesterday after reading about a blogger’s success on it. I see a pattern here, don’t you?

• I confess I am a full blown calendar/organizing/color coding SLUT. An all around hussy. It’s May – half the year is over so 5 months of a 2011 calendar are already useless - but again – yesterday I ordered the cutest calendar evah…which means I have to retire one I already have. Sick I tell you – sick. Apparently I had a little shopping meltdown yesterday. Jesus, Mary and Joseph right?

• I confess sometimes Rambo’s job scares me. While he works in a Superm@x which houses the worst criminals and prisoners in our state – some inmates do get out. 95% of them are lifers obviously BUT some are not.

Last week an inmate was being released. He made it a known fact that he was going to make the guard’s lives hell for his last two weeks in prison and he did. Rambo doesn’t put up with that crap. The inmate wanted a shower before he got released and asked for it about 3 days in advance.

However, up until his last day he was terrible. By the time he got released he had been put in a seg cell with no clothes, toilet paper restriction and food restriction for safety of the guards. Rambo is a Sgt so it was his job to enforce most of these consequences.

And now he is out. And he knows our last name and he left there hating Rambo…the man who ultimately denied him a shower before he got out. I hate the fact that last names are on Rambo’s uniform. I just hate it.

The only good thing about this guy being released is that it will only be a matter of weeks before he reoffends…and he’ll be back in prison. I understand every human has rights – but when you rape a 2 year old or do something similar – you can go without a shower in my opinion. No – this man did not rape a 2 year old but another man in the prison did…I’m just saying those are the kind of offenses these guys commit…so you don't misunderstand and think Rambo is an intolerant jerk....he just doesn't have the ability to sympathize in many of these situations.  He follows the rules...but that's the extent of it.

• Lastly, I confess this confessing thing is fun. You should totally try it!


Food Freak said...

Excellent blog entry! You're always a trip to read. I will definitely take you up on the idea of confessing. It's good for the soul.

Laurie said...

Oh, those poor cobwebs....I shall have to check out the situation in that crotch area when he gets home from work (can I say the word crotch).
As for purse addiction, it would be easier because for every two shoes there is one purse, so you will have half as much to rumble through on your hands and knees.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

Rambo's comment about the cobwebs totally cracked me up LOL I bet he makes you so proud when things like that come out of his mouth huh? LOL
I agree the last names shouldn't be on their uniforms that is very scary!
I don't have anything juice or even remotely exciting to confess, man I need a life!

Stephanie said...

Honey, if I did an "I confess" you all would still be reading my blog by the time we went to Chicago. :)

Cat's Chic Chat said...

Hi you! I absolutely love your posts. You have such an amusing way of putting things. I find it so hard to believe you are so shy/anxiety ridden in your real life by nature.

I completely agree with your concerns about Rambo and his job. I would feel the exact same way.

FitBy40 said...

OK, Rambo's job scares the hell out of me! If you need a place to stay, come on down. We're safe here out in the sticks! (I think).

Justawallflower said...

I hate that p word too! Any time I hear it I want to punch the person in the face that said it!

I love the "I Confess" entry, I may do one later!

Laura Belle said...

Good confessions! I love it.

I bought a new purple purse last weekend. It was on sale. Boo Yaa!

Sweet Pea said...

I confess...I am a new follower and absolutely LOVE your blog !!!

Jen said...

Hate that word too!
LOVE you

Ice Queen said...

Parts of this post almost made me spit coffee all over my laptop. And parts made me think, parts made me misty and parts scared the ever living shit out of me.

All in all a very satisfying read, dahlink. :D

"That word" isn't as bad as some. But I do find it crude. Of course... Crude doesn't always bother me. *evil grin*

I hope that the pissed inmate decided that there are better things for hm to concentrate on. You guys stay safe.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I like your confession. You should do this more often so I can live vicariously through your adventures and exciting life. I got nothing fun going on right now.

I would be scared of an inmate too if my husband had pissed him off. Surely the guy will have enough sense to know that doing something would get him right back in Rambo's care though. Yikes!

Katie J said...

What if you sorted your shoes by color or style? I have done that and it saves time in the morning let me tell you!

Loved this post and love you doll! xoxo

Trisha said...

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahaha still laughing at cobwebs....

And really... whos house isn't a mess?! Mine is.. and I dont have kids!! bahahahahahahahaha ;)

Amanda said...

fabulous confessions! I hate the p word myself.

Dazee Dreamer said...

oh gosh. I have a problem with shoes too. I looked in my closet the other day and told myself I needed to give most of them to the salvation army.

I would be so scared everytime Rambo went to work if he were my husband. So yeah, I feel for you.

Jacquie said...

Ugh! The only thing I hate more than the "p" word is the "c" word! I so hear you on that!

Lee Ann said...

i refuse to say the "p" word too. back in high school my best friend and i renamed it "PY" by the first and last letter of the word, b/c we couldn't bring ourselves to say the whole word. we still refer to it as that! my husband now calls it that in public, as if no one can figure out what "P.Y." is.., as in, "I hope I get some PY tonight." Umm yeah, bc that code is SO MYSTERIOUS that no one could possibly figure it out.

Wendy said...

One diet method ho to another....what book was it you ordered? I may need it as well!

The Cozy (not crazy) Coconut said...

Thanks for the supportive comment on my blog today. I really need that and you have no idea how much that meant to me. I"M GOING TO DO IT!!!!!!

AutumnLeaves said...

I have to agree with you about the last name thing. Never thought about it before, but that probably could be handled better. Ya think? Love your confessions, especially sitting on the azz and watching tv and reading blogs. My kinda girl! LOL

Julie Harmon said...

You are hilarious! I love the story about Rambo and his cobwebs! HAHAHA!
PS I have the same shoe issue and Ive been searching for the right nude pumps- got the leopard! I think its bc my foot never changes size as opposed to my axx so its more fun to shoe shop!

Clumsy said...

I look forward to reading your posts, you are so much fun! thanks for confessing!