Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Let's talk about sex baby.

Well, actually let’s talk about sex numbers. And calm down – this isn’t going to be another triple X rated question and answer session like the BYOC that scared the crap out of everyone (including me). This is going to be a serious conversation even the most conservative hussy can enjoy.

I read an article yesterday about a sex challenge. The challenge is to have sex every day for one week. The author wasn’t too enthused. She is a busy career woman with kids and her husband has a hectic career too and they are tired and worn out and on and on and on. The thought of taking on the challenge – just saying she would try to do it – seemed daunting.

I felt myself being sad for a woman who cringed at the thought of 7 days of sex with her husband. And it wasn’t lack of love or want – it was time and exhaustion and a bazillion other things…and though I understood it…it made me sad.

That made me remember a time when I watched an Oprah show and a couple was on there who did it EVERY DAY. Every single God-forsaken day. Rain or shine. Full moon or eclipse. Messy house or bad day at work. Kids acting like the spawn of Satan or in-laws making surprise visits. Working late or the day off. Weekday or weekend. Wanting to poke his eyes out for leaving the toilet seat up or he remembered your anniversary. EVERY DAY.

Oprah – as well as everyone in the audience – was shocked. Like jaws to the floor – complete disbelief. How the hell can this be done?

The man and woman said it is who they are now. It is as normal as showering or kissing each other goodnight. It is how they both know they will end their day and they have never felt stronger or better or more connected. It is a commitment to each other they make every day…and they can’t imagine it any other way.

The author who talked about taking a 7 day challenge said she had many friends who took the challenge for a YEAR. I remember working with a girl who announced to all of us that her and her husband were going to have sex once a day for one month to improve their marriage. My co-worker didn’t have a great marriage, no connection, blah…and so making an effort to have sex every day was also an effort to “help” their marriage, “save” it, make it something it was not currently.

Does a marriage that is bliss need such a challenge? What could it possibly do for a couple like that?

The author made a good point. She said that although sex can require work before and during - *avoiding* sex is just as much work. A woman in the story kept herself busy, made herself unavailable by not going near her husband so he wouldn’t want her or get aroused, and made sure she stayed awake longer than him so that he would go to bed and fall asleep before she ever got to bed. There was a constant “tension” between them about making moves or not making moves, wanting it or being mad the other didn’t want it. Avoiding it and what avoiding it meant was as much, if not more work, than doing it.

I thought that was interesting. I think women especially go to great lengths NOT to have sex for numerous reasons. For me, if I don't wanna do it, I say that.  I don't have the energy to avoid.  And for me - my head always wants to do's my body who thinks differently sometimes.

I’m not sure avoiding it on purpose would be possible anyway.  Like I said before – I don’t do my hair or put on makeup on the weekends and I sometimes spend the whole day in Rambo’s boxers and a tank with no bra on. I am the picture of beauty and yet sex is almost a guarantee on those days. I can’t figure it out. Maybe I should try giving a damn and wearing a formal dress all day and see what happens.

Anywhoozle, being a woman I have had candid conversations with other women about how often they do it and I’ve seen other women internally flinch when they realize other people are doing it more or other women want it more. Like somehow we measure our relationships by the magic number of times we have sex or don’t have sex.

I suppose it is a pretty good indicator…but there are so many factors beyond that. I mean I knew a married couple who had sex A LOT and no lie – watched porn every night before bed like other people watch Jay Leno before they turn out the light. They were very sexual and into swinging and very vocal about the kind and amount of sex they had.

Listening to them could make a lot of other couples wonder what they were missing or what they were doing wrong or why they weren’t that interested or doing it that much or trying new things like this couple was…….

…..and then the couple divorced. A bitter, terrible, hateful divorce….the swinging went too far and emotions got involved and the sex between them had simply been sex for a long time. There wasn’t a lot of commitment or love behind it – even though there was lots of it. And today if you ask them – they regret a lot of their sexual activities.

So more doesn’t mean better, in my opinion. What do you think?

Could you take on a 7 day challenge or does the thought of it make you want to vomit? How about a year? Should we want to? Is that normal? Who dictates what is “normal”? Are you jealous or envious of people who do it often?

I’m just curious…it’s a good discussion whether you’re conservative or very open…it’s food for thought for sure.

And wouldn’t it be interesting to hear a man answer these questions? I think I might ask Rambo about a challenge. Then again, why bother asking when I already know the answer. He is male after all.


Cat's Chic Chat said...

I'm definately one of the more conservative ones. Hubby and I aim for twice a week when we're in the mood, but often it's once a week sometimes twice a month. I will be painfully honest here, it's been 7 weeks today since my banding surgery and we haven't done it even once. I think at first he and I were afraid sex would hurt me, but I think since then it's been just a lack of time, interest something... I feel weird about that. He hasn't made any advances and I haven't encouraged any either. I think that's changing as of tonight. : ) Interesting topic, thanks!

Stacie said...

I have to say that before I lost my 2nd baby 6 years ago and had to have surgery, I would have said heck yeah I could go every day. But since then, things are not the same, and well it take a lot of effort for me really really enjoy it. I do it, and do enjoy the connection, but I don't always get full enjoyment out of it. So for us every day is not really gonna be an option, because well i am tired, and the work for me is not always worth the reward.

Dazee Dreamer said...

We have been married so long that we don't require sex all the time to keep our marriage going. We are still in love, hold hands, go places like Home Depot together all the time. I love him with or without sex. I guess I just weird.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I could take the 7 day challenge and do fine. Even though my medications affect my enjoyment of sex, I still crave the intimacy of being physical with Dail and I can't say without talking to him first to see if he is up for it (LOL) but I believe we could go a week or even more without a break from each other. All it take to get us going is a little snuggle time. It always lead to lovemaking. Let me know if there is going to be a real challenge. I will talk to him and see if we are in.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I could definitely take that challenge. I love the sex life that my husband and I have. Sometimes it's more frequent than other times, but we both agree that quality is more important than quantity.

Amy W. said...

I like this topic. It's funny...when i was with Tracey, he wanted to have sex everyday. And I would say on average, we had sex 4-6 times a week. was never something I really wanted. It was something I felt obligated to do. And it's not bc I am not a sexual person, or it didn't feel good (it felt fine, no big O, but fine)...but I basically did it for duty's sake. Then I met Heather and during our honeymoon phase we were CRAZY! Sexy time all the time. And Heather will share with everyone that sex has never been something that she really desired. I mean, she had it, but for example, her and C were together for 3 years and had sex less than 10 times. Um...we past that our first 2 weeks. Now we have sex maybe twice a week and I CRAVE it. I never do it now out of duty's sake...I am like a damn teenage boy...amazing what happens when you find out that you can actually have an orgasm. Yey for lesbian nookie! Anyways, for heather, I gotta catch her early...dont let her get sidetracked by tv, etc. We have had several conversations about how she "craves" it less than me but enjoys it just as much. It is weird being on the opposite side now, being the person that wants it all the time. But for me, it's totally about HER and me and connection. The getting off part is fantastic, but there is something so amazing about being connected with a person and feeling that as well (and truuuuust me, I have sexytimed a lot in my past and never had the connection).

I feel so bad for people who long for attention from their partner. Or long to feel sexual desired. Now I also feel bad for women who settle for sex without getting off! Good lord...I can't believe that I lived like that for so long. No wonder I am so happy now!

Great post.


Fab Kate said...

Honesty? There have been plenty of times in my life I've had sex once (or more) a day for long stretches of time (up to a year). I don't think it's that big a deal. Do I think daily sex makes a couple closer? No. It takes more than frequent sex.

FitBy40 said...

OH God, my hubby just cut out an article about this, as well as how sex is good for your health and helps burn extra calories! Think he was hinting at something? I guess I could give the week challenge a shot, but I'm so darn tired at the end of the day I don't even want to think about it! Damn, I feel like an old lady now!

Twix said...

I'd be happy with 2x a day. I'd settle for 1x day. But as it is I'm lucky to ever get IT. Oh sure the sex is there 1x or 2x a month but he doesn't interested in what he is doing other than getting his jolly rockers off. So what can you expect? This once or twice a month stuff I've been shoving him away. I'm not getting any, so why should he - selfish a bit. And really after finding out what he's been up to 2+ years ago - I wouldn't be surprised he was gay, it'd be nice if he came out of the closet already and then maybe we could all be mature about this and move on already. No he wants to "work" stay in this marriage and be married. But d*mn you know.... this lack of sex (little lol).

rskmom said...

I just read an article in a magazine about how this couple uses a bead and if one of them puts out a red bead it means they want to have sex that night...hmmmm.....

MandaPanda said...

Very interesting stuff. My hubby would jump on this challenge in a hearbeat. I used to be 1x a day kinda person but my second kid took the libido right out of me. As I'm losing weight, it's slowly coming back but I'm so exhausted by the end of the day, we're lucky to hit 1x week. And even then, it's my hubby initiating. I enjoy it and he always does his due diligence (lol) but I can take it or leave it. I think taking a challenge like this could help couples like me and my hubby because the physical is all that really needs improving.

susieq4givn said...

I had to smile as I was reading this...great food for thought. My hubby would totally like to take the week, month or year challenge, any and all the above. Our sex like is great! I never thought it would get better than when we first met, yet the longer we are together the better it gets! And as I have lost weight, I am more confident and feel that has improved it more. We average about 4x a week...never usually less and at times's easy though to allow things to get in the way, like going to bed too late and being tired, or other things...but intimacy is a priority, it should be a priority in marriage. It brings you together, it should unite you and make you feel closer to one another. I think I will bring up this challenge to him tonight, and I know his answer will be a loud enthusiastic YES!

Justawallflower said...

I definitely think this is an interesting blog. I was ALWAYS the initiator in the beginning, but now I have to say it is mostly him. And as someone else mentioned, it has gotten better with us over time. I really love our intimate time, just a matter of making that time. We will sometimes go three weeks with nothing, then bam, five days in a row! I can definitely see things getting more interesting as the weight comes off! I'm definitely liking that! I also like the red marble thing someone mentioned! Interesting.....