Thursday, May 19, 2011

Live from Care Bear Land....

This post is coming to you live from Care Bear Land. It’s been a while since I visited here but I’ll also have you know I just finished farting a batch of gumdrops too. I’m taking tomorrow off to clean the abyss of a mess that is the inside of my house and that makes me a jolly good fellow-ette.


I have a few things to report today. First and foremost, I want you all to know I had a shoe-gasm last night. Laura Belle (blogger friend) emailed me an picture of her entire closet and her collection of shoes that it houses. I spent ½ hour trying to explain to Rambo why I was moaning at the computer and licking the screen. And I have decided I will be doing an entire post on my shoe closet now. A before and after of sorts…the heaping pile isn’t doing it for me anymore. I simply must organize.

I have kicked ass diet-wise lately until….enter my mother-in-law. Sweet baby smurfs – the woman can cook. She is from the deep South where no matter what the recipe calls for – you add at least 3 sticks of butter. Well, I got home last night to an entire huge Ziploc bag of scotcheroos. You know – those caramel-y rice krispies with chocolate on top? Yes, someone tell me how I’m not supposed to eat those please? I love my mother-in-law but sometimes she disguises herself as S with a side order of ATAN which equals a full serving of SATAN. Shitballs – did I just type that out loud?

Rambo had his entire back tattoo finished yesterday. And you know what that means right? It means yours truly – Sleeping Beauty – gets awakened at 4am to “Baby doll – I need lotion.” Ugh. For F sake – are you kidding me? Being the good wife that I am, I rub lotion all over his tattoo with my eyes shut in my blind rage. It’s pitch dark. I was dreaming about Little Debbies. Try to picture it and then never ever question how much I love Rambo. I proved it this morning.


Speaking of tattoos – since Rambo finished his – that means my turn is next so I’ve been designing. I’m thinking of getting something on my calf and my tattoo artist told me to come in so she can measure the area. Great. Exciting. Except? Now I have to shave my legs. Damnitall. (totally a word) Anyone got a bushhog I can borrow? Okay fine – it’s only been about a week…or two…..

Today is picture day here so me and my two chins are going to make the best of it. And yes, it’s a complete given that today my hair didn’t work worth a damn. I’m so excited to wear a lanyard with a badge with a picture of me in it EVERY DAY for 9 hours a day! Cripes. I wonder if anyone would notice if I skillfully put in a picture of a supermodel over my face……hmmm….

I have also been reminded this week that I have a fat brain. Not fat brain as in I’m so filled with intelligence that my brain is fat (though I can totally fathom why you would have thought that.) No, no, no…I mean fat brain as in my brain can’t see my body for what it is. I do this all the time and it drives me crazy. I bought two pairs of capris – in a bigger size than usual because right now my brain tells me I’m fat after gaining about 15 pounds this winter. However – after wearing the pants for about an hour – I look down and have DCS (dropped crotch syndrome). And my butt is sagging to the ground. All I need is a huge boombox on my shoulder and a beat and I could be mistaken for a rapper. I don’t need the bigger size – even with the gain. So I returned them. Me and my fat brain gotta get on the same page at some point.

Lastly, people irritate me. Men in particular. I had a board meeting on Monday night and I’m the treasurer for the commission. That means I should just sit silently at meetings and it means I do not get to vote. Well…we all know that “sit silently” thing is like asking Michael Jackson not to do the moonwalk…so you can bet your skinny azzes that I voice my opinions. I mean – come on – they are all men. I’m the only woman – which therefore means I am usually the ONLY voice of reason. If my voice doesn’t work – I kick Rambo under the table and glare daggers at him. The meeting went well except a vote went down that really pisses me off and I’m still mad about it. So yes – people – generally men – irritate me. Big news flash I know.


Oh wait – one last thing. Martha Stewart (co-worker across the hall) was sporting the biggest camel toe I’ve ever seen in my life yesterday. I swear to you – midget aliens could have set up a village in there. How does that not hurt? I mean how is massive chafing avoided? Yes – I spent the day yesterday and now today writing about a co-worker’s vagizzle. I know you want to be me. Try not to hate. My life is grand.

Explosive Man is out on business travel…which means I’ve been peeing in the bathroom outside my office all damn week because poop isn't everywhere in sight. I told you before – my life is grand.

I’m pretty sure everyone wants to be me. Yes, yes…let’s go with that...becasue in Care Bear Land - anything goes!

16 comments:

MandaPanda said...

You crack me up! I'm moving so getting organized (closet & all) is happening now and it's exhausting. I don't have that many shoes though. I have a badge I have to wear for work...just wear with the picture facing your body and no one even notices it (not that you have to worry 'cause you're bee-utiful). Ahhh...the joys of using the closest bathroom to you...poopfree. Hopefully he goes out of town more often.

Losing It said...

How the heck could you even make 2 weeks of not shaving?! 4 days and I'm scratching my legs like I have fleas. I'm envious of your caveman like ability.

I've never had scotcheroos, but another butterscotch treat is my bane. Haystacks. Chow mein noodles covered in melted butterscotch morsels. So yum!

Laura Belle said...

I knew you'd like the photo!!! You crack my shit up!

As of 8pm last night, my shoe holder thingy and closet is completely organized and color coordinated. (Because I'm anal like that.)

I love shoes.

Amanda said...

lol! That is about all I can do! Not a sweet eater but those things your mothernlaw made sounds fantastic!!

I work with all men. And they poop a lot. And I have to clean the bathroom just to use it. It is awful! I feel your happiness of having that guy gone for a week!

Leslie said...

You make me laugh everyday. I just love it.

I wer a badge at work too and what makes my badge extra horrific is that it's from 4 years ago and about 100lbs and I hate hate hate hate HATE looking at it, wearing it, ANYTHING. They won't let me retake it either. !@)*(#@)#)*$#()*!!!

Ms. M said...

LMAO! Its funny you should say that we want to be you because I had a dream last night where I think I was you. Or at least I was living a day (or week) in your life. The things that were happening to me were all things you've written about recently. Maybe its a sign I'm super excited about our "deal." :)

And omg, shoes! I want shoes. Not that I don't have a few dozen pair. But at the moment there is, very sadly, only one pair of shoes in the entire house that I can get on with this ankle all gimpy. They are not cute. I am going through cute shoe withdrawal. LOL

Julie said...

i'm new here, new to the weightloss blogging world. i'm glad to have found your blog, and appreciate the good laugh!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Drazil,
I'm loving your post today, just like everyday. You are totally funny and I do wish I had as much fun as you do with your life circumstances. I would love to visit Care Bear Land sometime. Good for you for taking back the larger capris. I usually don't bother with returns because my ass is too lazy.

Dawnya said...

Freaking hilarious!!! Thank you for giving a name to my dropping front parts DCS. I got it bad. LOL

I can't wait to see your shoe collection.

Cat's Chic Chat said...

Hi You! I request piotures of the shoe closet organization. I'm truly becoming a shoe whore...can I say whore?? Ack...I love shoes. Any kinds. Heels, ballet flats, flip flops, boots. Love love love.

Also, I want to visit Carebear Land. Sounds lovely.

Katie J said...

We want to see Laura's closet too!!

Dizzy Girl said...

Closet! Closet! Closet!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

Draz i so heart you!

Ronnie said...

If you have a camera phone, get us a picture of that camel toe!

Amanda Kiska said...

I shave my legs each and every day. I feel "dirty" if I have stubble.

I'm glad you are feeling so well!

Clumsy said...

DCS I love it! You really make my day!