Tuesday, May 17, 2011

P words, excessive chins, bargaining with Rambo and wounded warriors....

How's that for a blog title? 

Shitballs. Yesterday’s post fostered some amazing comments and I loved reading your insights. Some were heart-warming in that your relationships and love never faltered due to weight gain or loss and some were downright agonizing.

For example, Julie’s friend whose husband married her because she was heavy and he thought that meant no one else would ever love her or take her away from him…and then she got thin…and they divorced because he couldn’t handle his own insecurities.

And I loved my best friend’s comment about how women sometimes settle but the kicker is that the person they married has no idea that they are the settle-ee. Intense thought there that never crossed my mind.

It was a lot to think about and above all – I appreciate your honesty on the subject because it’s a tough topic.

• Remember how I hate the P words? (For my new followers – just because I love you – though it pains me to even type the words – I mean puke and poop) Remember how I used to be able to clean poop out of TV crevices back when my 2 year old discovered diapers come off and poop is kind of like play-doh and it should be smeared on TVs? Remember when I could hear and see vomit and not vomit myself? Ugh – well – we’ve already put it out there that this chica can’t do that anymore. Somewhere along the lines of getting older, I became allergic to poop and puke. Maybe it was Explosive Man exploding in the toilet outside my office that did it. Who knows?

All I know is the latest in my new “biggest wussy woman in the entire world” domain, I have discovered something else I cannot handle. Dead animals on the road. OMG – but then again it’s like seeing Explosive Man come to the office in spandex shorts. You want to run away screaming but you find yourself staring in awe at the audacity – you can’t look away. It’s like that with dead animals on the road. I want to shut my eyes and veer completely off the road into the ditch yet find myself thinking, “Oh, was that a raccoon or a possum. I wonder when that happened. Poor thing.” This morning – dead fox – and I looked and I almost thought I might throw up. I actually panicked thinking where will I throw up in this car while I'm driving?  Who does that?

• Um…we are taking new pictures here at work for new badges we have to wear. Excuse me while I go buy a new face at Walmart. Seriously – my face does NOT photograph well. You can even ask my best friend. When she takes pictures of me, her little fingers can’t help but to try to photoshop my enormous cheeks down to a normal level of chubbiness.

And the double and sometimes triple chin? Honestly, there’s enough room between chin #2 and chin #3 to build a village in there. Sigh. Anywhoozle, I, Chubby McChubbington would love to hear some tips on how to take a great face shot. Rest assured I will also be googling “How to make your face appear wafer thin when it is indeed not…in pictures.” Or “how to look like a supermodel in pictures…when you are um…not a supermodel.”

• Oh oh – I went to my sister’s graduation this weekend and get this? I didn’t even shoot daggers out of my eyes or misbehave or kill anyone. I had a great day and my sister deserved every moment of it. Can I just say though – why do colleges have a knack for picking speakers who literally have no conscious when it comes to the length of their speeches? They ALWAYS pick people who just love to hear their own damn voice. I want to scream “Hey azzhole – there are KIDS in the audience – could you hurry it up?” Jesus, Mary, Joseph AND St. Peter. That’s right – I pulled out the St. Peter. (that sounded strangely dirty didn't it?) I mean at our company Cmas party – we give our speakers a time limit – 3 minutes and that’s it. Take it or leave it. Why can’t colleges do that?

Oh and on a sad note – neither of my brothers attended. It just didn’t work out. Kinda crappy but it is what it is.

I was a complete ass for a few seconds at graduation, I have to admit. Remember the blowup about how we all have to dress up like we’re going to the Oscars and Rambo simply must wear a tie and on and on? Well, against my better judgement, when the moment struck me and I’d see someone in jeans and a plaid shirt and work boots or shorts and flip flops…I’d tap my mom and say, “Mom, don’t you love his tie?” She didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did. So um yes…yours truly is going to Hell. Anyone want to meet me there?

• I’m happy to report that my “make my own perpetual wooden calendar because I refuse to spend $2000 on one” project is going swimmingly. (I’ve always wanted to say “swimmingly” in a sentence. You like?) I only have a little bit left to do after literal countless hours on this thing. Rambo is more of a hindrance than a help if I’m honest.

He’s a bargainer. Meaning when I say, “Can you go downstairs and cut this one straight line on this one board?”…he gets an idiot-like penis spark in his eye and replies with, “Sure…what’s it worth to ya?” And this morning when I said to him – can you drill some holes in these boards today…his response was, “I’ll drill your hole.” See…living with a sex-craving pervert isn’t all it’s cracked up to be folks. Getting anything done takes twice as long.

• Okay, that’s all I got for today. I am on an 18 week “get thin before I attempt to run a marathon” plan and the goal is to lose 1 pound per week. Hold your applause – I know it’s awe-inspiring. Not. But I can report I did it. I lost 1.5 the first week. Just call me an over-achiever or scared to death I’m going to pass out at mile marker #1. Either title will work at this point.

• Lastly, just a request for prayers. Today Rambo has off work and he belongs to a Harley group here and today this particular group is escorting home a wounded warrior. A man from our area had both his legs taken from him over in Iraq and has been really far away recovering for months. Today he gets to come home. The Harley Patriot Riders are giving him a full fledged escort from the airport through town and all the way home to honor him. Many of the Harleys will sport full-sized American flags and people will be out in the streets in support. Rambo will be in that escort and it’s safe to say when he talks about it – his chest puffs up in pride. If you could, keep the wounded soldier in your prayers….


Laura Belle said...

"I'll drill your hole." HILARIOUS.

I needed a little giggle this morning!

Also, love 'swimmingly', you'll have to use it more often!

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

I can't stop giggling at Chubby McChubbington lol Totally made my morning!And congrats on the 1.5 loss whoo hooo!

Dazee Dreamer said...

My cousin will only take head shots with the camera up high so she has to lift her head up to look into it, thus extra chin problems vanish. you're welcome.

I loved the word swimmingly. Very Well Done!!!!

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Love this post, Drazil. There is so much here to comment on that I don't know where to start. Let me just say that reading this was a great and amusing way to start my day.

I will remember your soldier friend in my prayers. It must be very much of an honor for Rambo to be involved with a group like that. I'm proud of him. I have a cousin who is deployed now. This is his 5th or 6th tour and I worry about him pressing his luck.

I'm glad the graduation went well and I'm sorry your brothers didn't make it. I bet they will be on your mother's shit list for a while.

Food Freak said...

Beautiful post, Drazil. Thanks for the inspiration. Yes, I mean that. Your posts always provide inspiration to someone like me, because you deal with honesty and honor. Thanks for the thoughts this morning.

Cat's Chic Chat said...

As for your going to hell comment...my bestie and I always say we're going to have matching condos in hell...with pools (no water though cause it's hell right!) next door to one another. So, you can definately join our condo association.

As for the camera...my comment is the opposite of Dazee Dreamer, so maybe try both and see which works better. But tilt your chin down, not so much that your double chin shows, but then point your eyes up toward the camera and have the camera held higher so while you tilt your chin down your forced to look up with your eyes. Works every time!

MandaPanda said...

Let's do lunch in Hell because I'm sure I'm headed there as well. My prayers go out to the soldier. Such a sacrifice to make for the freedom of others.

rskmom said...

Please give Rambo my thanks for doing that - wow! What an honor.

And I will be in Hell with ya, so apparently from the OP and I you're going to have LOTS of company! :)

~Sandi @ This one time at 'band' camp... said...

Coming from a spouse of a Canadian Soldier I know the prayers inside and out...my thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends and I personally thank Rambo for being a part of the ride home for your American Soldier!

Kelly said...

I'll be keeping Rambo in my thoughts today. And I'll be meeting you in hell - let's have a party when we get there! =)

Lonicera said...

Draz - Last July I did a few posts about being photographed without feeling self-conscious or hating the results, and I called it "Do you hate being photographed?" I reckon the 3rd & 4th parts would answer your question fairly neatly. Here are the links:
This is NOT a comment with a plug by the way - it was so long ago. (I've been getting comments flattering my post and casually giving a link to a hotel chain, and I hate it...).
But if you don't feel like looking at it, then two things to remember: (1) If close up, be photographed from below chin level while you look 'heroically' into the distance; and (2) best of all is for the photographer to stand as far away as they can - the next county if possible - and use a very long lens. The longer the lens the more flattering the result.
And one day Drazil will show her face on her blog.... (sorry, I digress).

Ronnie said...

I need to read the comments on the thinner-face thing... I have that problem, too. LOL

I'm glad the graduation went well, I was worried for you. I know how upsetting it can be when you feel like you're not appreciated enough and another sibling gets all the thunder. :(

I missed your posts, Draz! They always make me smile! :)

Trisha said...

You are too funny in your posts!! I love reading your posts!!! Yesterday was crazy serious then today... just a funny one. I can totally see you hauling booty through your office when Mr Explosive Man walks past you...

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of the warrior. Rambo is a great great man for taking time to do such a wonderful thing!

Tanya said...

I also got a chuckle from your post. You are a seriously funny woman.
I will be praying for the soldier and his ride home.

Ice Queen said...

Is it wrong that I knew what Rambo said before I read it? heh heh

So, you got a few in at the graduation. I am proud of you, girlfriend. (Is that evil of me?)

Baby and tiny kid p-words and bigger kid and adult p-words are very different things. The former didn't bother me when Patrick was little. It was a normal part of my son being little and things I needed to do for him. And I didn't mind. Once he hit about four, close to five, tho? It all changed. lol

Faith said...

Too funny! Glad I ran across your blog!

AutumnLeaves said...

Good golly but you give a great read! I love your sense of humor and I am quite proud of your husband's pride in being part of honoring this young man back from Iraq. He paid a hefty price for our freedoms (or the freedoms of those in Iraq). I have to admit, I too am like you when it comes to dead animals on the road. It just breaks my heart, really, and I get so angry at drivers who will not slow down to avoid hitting an animal. Especially out where I live and it is more common than not to have coyotes, foxes, raccoons, oppossums, beavers, and deer, or those danged kamikaze birds. I scrunch up my face and squint my eyes quickly to try to see what the animal is. If it is really a messy scene, I have to look away.