Thursday, May 26, 2011

Pregnant with a side order of the fashion police.

I emailed Jenny last week to tell her Aunt Flo never came to town last month and that I was probably pregnant. Who emails stuff like that anyway?

I expected gasping for air. Sucking in huge gulps of terror. Screaming “Wwwhhyyyyy?” A river of tears. Snot dripping in her Pepsi.

THAT is what I expected from my best friend who knows damn well pregnancy is not in my future plans.

What did I get instead? Here it is. Are you ready?

Jenny replied with: “YAY! How fun is that? Oh what should we name it? We must start thinking of names.”

How about we name it “I’m going to come over there and beat you and your happiness with a stick?”

I emailed her this week and told her to get her panties out of a bunch because yours truly wasn’t pregnant.

Her response? “Aww…who am I going to give this blanket I started knitting to?”

I’m kidding. She didn’t say that. Duh – Jenny doesn’t knit. She designs blogs and right now is featuring a makeover blog contest where you can vote for someone to get a makeover for free! Nice segway huh? I thought it was pretty good myself. Click on her link on my side bar if you’re interested in voting…it’s Just Foolin’ Blog Designs…and it has nothing to do with knitting.

Or being pregnant – which again – I would like to say and type out and have notarized on a piece of paper – that I am NOT.

I would also like to say that while I am an accountant every day of my life and have obsessive OCD about numbers and pennies and have things like our family budget done out into next year – occasionally I make a mistake. An error. A mixup.

I know – calm down. No need to hyperventilate. I know it’s shocking that I’m not perfect but listen – dry your tears – it’s going to be okay. Like I said, I made an error in the budget this month….and normally knowing I made an error in our checking account is about as much fun as having a doctor call you personally to tell you that itch in your nether regions is NOT just a yeast infection. But this time – the error is in my favor – to the tune of $500!

Shitwads of goat turds! Do you know how many shoes that will buy?

Lastly – have you guys seen that “People of Walmart” video or website? It’s where real people take pictures of other real people shopping in Walmart – cuz they are wearing um….unique stuff on their bodies in public. Well, I’m here to say I could have my own People of Walmart right here where I work.

I shall explain.

Today – I saw a co-worker at the copier. I nearly stopped in my tracks to pull him aside and say, “Hey buddy – I think you got dressed in the dark today. You might wanna go home and try again.”

He is a big balding guy – looks a lot like Elmer Fudd. He had on a PEACH polo. Not orange people – light, pastel, PEACH. Which is fine except when you pair it with brand new crisp camo pants with drawstrings at the bottom…AND brown crocks with white socks showing through.

Help. Me. Jesus.

I almost took off my leopard heels and punctured his neck vein to put him out of my misery. And yes people this man has a WIFE. A fashionable, beautiful, well-dressed, business owning wife. I’m guessing today she was away on business travel.

I kept walking only to see another co-worker. We are all convinced this woman was once a man. Not in a mean way – I mean it’s totally acceptable and she is super nice but she tries WAY too hard to show everyone she is feminine so she can cover up that she was once a man. She has huge, linebacker hands – with really long fake nails. She has the deepest voice you’ve ever heard and a military tattoo on her bicep and quads of steel – oh and HUGE fake boobs.

Yesterday I saw her. Black spandex pants – and a cropped shirt….yes folks, I said cropped as in short as in you can see the top of the spandex pants. The shirt is not only cropped but it is plaid with a cropped blazer over top. To finish off the look – we have black high top sneakers with bright RED shoe strings and to top it off? A little lapel pin of Tinkerbell from Disney. And a Sherlock Holmes hat. What the what?

Can you imagine waking up in the morning and saying to yourself….”Yes, these spandex skin tight look like I painted them on pants look great with these red shoelaces and oh….even better with my Tinkerbell pin and old man hat.”

I don’t make this stuff up. I mean you just can’t.

And yes – we’ve already established I’m going to hell. No - I am not the fashion police. Yes – I look like a pile of donkey dung some days too. These people probably think I dress and look like a maniac so to each his own right? It just makes me chuckle sometimes. I love how we are all so different …and so alike really.

Oh and did I mention I am NOT pregnant?  Just wanted to be sure that was clear.


Debi said...

There is a lady where I work that baffles me .. not NEARLY as bad as the people at your place, but still. I think her entire wardrobe consists only of 800 pairs of black leggings and 27 long black sweaters. She throws on some super long shirt/might be a dress (who can tell?) and a pair of what I like to refer to as "Blanche Deveraux Sandals" (a la Golden Girls) and comes to work. Every. Single. Solitary. Day.


Cat's Chic Chat said...

So you're pregnant? Great! *grin*

I have a coworker that needs a bra fit as bad as I need to win the lottery. Seriously - the girls band is practically on the back of her neck.'s too BIG! I get not being the fashion police, but really, take some PRIDE in how you look.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I used to go to people of walmart but the comments were getting a little on the cruel side so I stopped visiting. However, I'm now very careful what I wear to walmart. I've seen some rather bizarre things there myself but didn't have a camera.

Wendy said...

i vote she picks me for a blog design make have you seen how dull mine is. I mean yeah my little dot dot dot after the title is styling but really! come on there could be so much more there with the right person doing it aka not me who has no clue how to do it.

Ice Queen said...

Shit! Now I have to cancel the baby shower?!?!?! Thanks a lot. :P ^^ Heh Heh

Yeah, I am hardly one to criticize... Especially how I have been forced to dress in recent years but yeah... Putting together a coordinated outfit isn't rocket science. Many men look fantastic in pastels. I worked with a guy back in the day, he would wear pink and I would just drool all over my fool self. Seriously. He looked that damned good in it. But a peach polo with camo drawstrings and crocs? I think I just had a brain bleed thinking about it.

I feel conflicted about the People of Walmart site. A part of me looks at it in horrified fascination. I don't judge based on physical characteristics, but some of the outfits?!?! Yeah. I do wonder at how anyone can walk out the door in that state of dress. Or undress, as the case may be. Another part of me wonders at people taking photographs without the subject's knowledge or consent and posting them on public websites where they are cruelly and ruthlessly mocked. *shrugs* I suppose I am guilty by association. :S

Alison said...

My husband watered the garden last night wearing a black v smart business suit (shirt and tie etc) and hot pink crocs. He looked special!

I love people of walmart, I don't read the comments. Damnyouautocorrect is my new love, I laugh so hard I often wee!

rskmom said...

What? You crushed my hopes!! I was thinking that since you have two girls, it would be nice if you went the route Hubs and I did and do the TWIN BOY thing...

Laurie said...

Congrats, so excited for the baby shower...oh, right, you're NOT!
I was looking at my outfit to see what the Fashion Police Boss would say about it, phew, not bad today (I will meet you in hell, I am SO going there)

Kristin said...

I feel like I must speak up in defense of the well-dressed wife... you should see how my husband dresses. He looks homeless most of the time. He wears tube socks with shorts all summer long, and has one of those rope things to wear his sunglasses around his neck. He has t-shirts with so many holes our 2-year-old can't count that high yet.

There's nothing I can do. I've tried - he is uninterested in having his wardrobe upgraded. He returns everything I buy him.

Wendy said...

when you started to talk about the guy in a peach polo i did start to get worried. my husband is wearing a peach polo to work today and yeah....i started to get a little sick to my stomach there! ;)

Ronnie said...

You scared me there for a minute! LOL

Wow, a peach polo. I want to have that degree of confidence where I just don't care what I look like when I leave the house. I'm telling you, it takes courage!

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

And you didn't take pictures for us to enjoy?

Dazee Dreamer said...

Oh god, you're pregnant, tell me it isn't so. :0

You, my dear, need to get better at the carry your cell phone with you everywhere and then pretend you are texting and snap some pictures. this is your next quest. do it for Dazee.

Dinnerland said...

So you're not pregnant right? And this is good news, yes? Well, then terrific!!
Glad to hear you have a sense of humor about it all...

Becky said...

Actually laughed out loud!

Sam said...

So I can take it to mean you are not pregnant :o)

I wish you could have taken photos, because the things you are describing woul dbe even better with a picture to laugh at :)

Read said...

There is no way you could make that stuff up!!! That's some serious fashion you've got going on at work - just think of it as entertainment!!

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

That would have been my response if you said you were prego. lol. and I love looking at the people of Walmart. Here on LI. NY we only occasionally get People of Walmart worthy people but when we went camping it was like I hit pay dirt. I didn't want to leave and I couldn't look away. Just wanted to stop by to tell you That you are absolutely amazing and please never forget!

PS_Iloveyou said...

Geeez-a-freakin-loo I love your blog. I just laughed my ass of reading this post. (really why can't I actually laugh my ass off and my hips and my arm jello too... that would be way to easy I suppose...) Anyways. Just sayin.

Hope all is well in Draziland!!!

Kelly said...

I'm confused. You're saying you're not pregnant? (Wink, wink.) =)

Beth Ann said...

Congrats on the pregnancy!

I know I'm late (like you...hee hee) but I had to comment about the WalMart people. I want to visit your office. I thought we had nutters, but you? Certifiable coworkers!

Joey said...

Duh. You would name the baby Joey. Boy or girl. :)