Thursday, May 19, 2011

So what - now what?

So I have another confession – like a real, honest to goodness confession.


I suck a fat baby’s azz. In regards to my social anxieties and fears – I am nowhere near healed. It’s like one step forward – and sixteen back. Or at least that’s how it feels. I do well for a while but then it creeps up and slaps me in the face.

For example:

I was at Walmart getting a few groceries and I was done and turned down a lane which had very few people. When I turned the corner I saw a little old lady…who I knew. I used to work with her…and I loved her. She’s like Paula Deen and Big Bird (minus the yellow feathers) wrapped up in one. I corresponded with her for years after I left that place of work even. I miss her. She would have hugged me tight and told me I looked fabulous and on and on….if I had let her.

There was no chance of that. I saw her face. Saw that she didn’t see me and I bee-lined it to the next row. I was feet away from a good friend and I couldn’t make myself talk to her. I even told myself it’d be fine…even fun…and that I really, really miss her……but I couldn’t do it.

And I’m not afraid to say I’m pretty disappointed in myself. I have to say what I did shocked me…I thought I had grown more than my reaction proved I did.

After I got home my aunt called. My favorite aunt. I love her to death and have a long history of love with her. She is no one that I am afraid of….though you’d never know that by my actions. She called. Of course – I didn’t pick it up. I knew it was her and handed the phone to Rambo. She was calling to ask for a jewelry book so she could order for my party on Saturday. I heard Rambo say, “Do you want to talk to her?” I said NO in the background and said tell her we’ll bring her a book. I never spoke to her.

See – what’s worse about this story is that my aunt works at a business at the bottom of my driveway. Not only could I not talk to her on the phone but I also did not walk down the driveway and hand her a book and thank her. Rambo did.

What must she have thought of my avoidance? Does she know it’s not personal? Does she know I’m like my dad – her brother? Does she know I don’t want to be that way?

Does she know how sad I am that I couldn’t bring myself to face the anxiety yesterday?

I feel like an addict who has had a relapse. And no – I still haven’t told Rambo the extent of this social crap I deal with. I have to. He keeps asking me to go with him and the Harley riders for supper.

People I don’t know. On a weeknight.

I can’t even begin to tell you how that makes me feel. I told him I’d stay home and watch our girls.

I’m using my role as a mom to not participate in life. He said, “I want YOU to go with me.” Of course he does – but does he know how much mental and physical stamina that requires?

Nope.

I promised a blogger friend that I would tell Rambo how it truly affects me if she tells her husband – because we are both running into obstacles when it comes to trying to heal. I don’t believe we can hide and heal. Hiding makes me feel ashamed and I’m so over guilt and shame these days.

I can’t keep letting life pass me by. I can’t keep making excuses and regretting my weakness later. It might be easier but easy doesn’t make it right.

I heard a saying yesterday that caught me by surprise…just four words but they seem fitting for me and I’m going to keep them in the forefront of my mind as I continue to face my fears.

Though I was almost taught to be this socially fearful and scared and anxious – it doesn’t matter. Though I have felt pain and been through tough times – it doesn’t matter.

The fact is – I need to ask myself –

SO WHAT – NOW WHAT?

Yup – four little words – and a choice. So what? Now what?

If you can think of a fear or an anxiety or some sadness and pain in the past that is holding you back, bitterness, spite, remorse, unforgiveness or hate for someone who has hurt you or a bazillion excuses to tell me about why and how you can’t heal and move on or succeed and do everything you’ve ever dreamed of – and I looked at you after your speech and said, “So what – now what?”

How would you answer? 

19 comments:

Cat's Chic Chat said...

Hi you, You have given me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm so sorry I don't have any magical ideas that will make these things easier for you. You are in my thoughts. *virtual hugs*

Lee Ann said...

I was about to post a novel long comment but then I cut it out and will write it as my own blog post....you've really opened my eyes....I see myself in a lot of your struggles and I never realized I had social anxiety until you pointed it out in yourself. Thanks for that. But now what? LOL.

Jen said...

I say drugs. Drugs is the answer to everything. Well, drugs or vodka.

Dawnya said...

My poor gumdrop farting friend. I hate that you have to feel these things. You blogger buddy is right. It is really time to tell Rambo all of it.

Knowing the man he is...I'm confident he will be supportive in any way he can.

Sending you lots of hugs...and some of the drugs Jen suggested.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I think it is time to tell Rambo. And I believe that he won't be as surprised as you think. Probably your aunt knows too. People notice more than we give them credit for but they can't help until we spill it. I wish you the best, Draz.

MandaPanda said...

I agree it's time to tell Rambo. He'll understand...he's not dumb...He probably already has a pretty good idea, otherwise he wouldn't do these things for you. My hubby would tell me to get off my butt and give it to my aunt myself. He knows I Don't suffer like you do. I hope you're able to find a path to healing that works for you.

Barbara said...

I want to say drugs too. Some anti-anxiety meds may do the trick. I know they have helped me tremendously. Hugs to you sweet Lynne. I wish there was some way to help you overcome this.

Laura Belle said...

Don't be so hard on yourself! Remember all the progress you've already accomplished! Who the F cares if you revert back a little. I mean, come on, look at me! Up, down, up, down on the whole health thing.

Oh, and bite the bullet and tell him. You can do it, i have faith in you.

Amanda Kiska said...

I think you do really well in social situations when you have time to prepare yourself, but it is much harder when you run into someone unexpectedly or when someone calls and you weren't planning to talk to them. It may be more realistic to work on the planned situations, Rambo's motorcycle group could be a good start, and then figure out strategies for unexpected interactions.

I know how much you hate this about yourself, but it isn't your fault and you should be honest with your husband. Clearly there is a familial connection here. I don't know if it is nature or nurture.

Sandy Lee said...

Oh sweet little girl. All I remember is a room full of BOOBs and you standing there. I know you were cornered, but you didn't run. Even when we all hugged you and squeezed you. And I do know there was a little smile behind those big eyes. You stepped out in Chicago and I know you will be able to step out every once in a while. All I can say is that you put yourself out here through your blog and that makes you part of this big group of friends who'd be lost without you.

I'm off to visit Barbara in PA and we will talk about you, I know. But it will only be funny and sweet thoughts because that is what you are to us. Love you sweetie.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm glad to see that you actually hold down a job. At least when you are having a "bad anxiety day", its that. You can't handle it. I don't have it that bad, but I do have huge anxiety if I see someone from the place I used to work for. I can only imagine that your feeling is 100 times worse.

Justawallflower said...

Okay, you can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, being that I share a lot of the same anxieties, but you know, easier said than done and all that crap. But, you say that it is easier to let the weakness take over (even though easier doesn't make it right) but I have to disagree. You may think it is easier to avoid a situation and regret it later, but I guarantee that if you approach it this way you will spend much more energy feeling bad and thinking about a situation that you regret than a situation that you dreaded putting yourself in but suck it up for five minutes, 10 minutes, an hour. Because when it is over, it is over. And you usually are only left with feeling good about doing it. If you put it off, you still put the same energy into dreading it as you would even if you don't attend, but you put additional energy in after it would have been over regretting not going. Like I said, its easy for me to say these things, but what do they really mean coming from someone that avoids the same situations as you do most of the time? I can't tell you how many times I have walked away from a full cart of groceries in Wal-Mart because I couldn't take the anxiety that went along with simply grocery shopping in the middle of the day with a store full of people. I would rather shop at Target, sometimes spending twice as much, just to avoid the crowds and fear of possibly running into people I know and making small talk!

Donut Butt said...

WOW! I really needed to hear this. Thank you so much!!!

And I agree with everyone else - tell Rambo. He loves you, he adores you, and he will support you.

Raven said...

ok so I wasn't exactly sure what was going on with you but after reading more of your blog and the comments, I am getting the anxiety. I too have major anxiety. I would be driving down the highway and have to pull over because I was freaking out and my head felt like it was "in the clouds" and I felt like I was going to pass out. I also always worried about my kids, getting killed in car accidents or someone coming into my house at night and taking the kitchen knives and killing us all. I would check the doors 10 times before I went to bed.

So I get the anxiety. Have you tried drugs? They have been my LIFE SAVER.

AutumnLeaves said...

Once I tried literally taking one step forward and two steps back. You get farther and farther away from where you started. Not that that is either here nor there. So what; now what? Hmmm...I wish I could let go of the mental things that grip me. I wish I could change myself. Some things are burned so deep within that I don't know that it'll ever get any better for me (never being good enough is my personal demon, or one of them). Wish I could move forward out of that morass myself. Still and yet, Draz...I am hopeful that you work your way out of this. Your blogging and ability to talk to us as you do shows so much outgoingness that I am enjoying. I suspect most others would enjoy you too. I wish I had an answer or an idea.

Julie Harmon said...

You have a lot of support here. I suffer from the same issues and my husband doesn't really seem to understand.
Drugs do help but not always. Sometimes, as in the store situation, you need to know your limits and just accept them. You are who you are and honestly, I have done the EXACT same thing!
Thank you for this post. Reading these responses..well, its nice to not be alone and feel like your the only one. You know?

Clumsy said...

Wow, that really made me think, thank you.
I know a lot of what you go through, and I adore you. I know telling Rambo will be difficult, but remember, we are out here holding your hand!

kagead said...

Some tough love coming your way, so focus on the LOVE aspect of it, mmm k?

The amount of regret and sorrow you feel is what is sucking the life out of you- not the FEAR. You WANT to find a way to handle this aspect of your life and this may be one thing that Superwoman just can't do all by her lonesome.

Talk to SuperHubs, swallow your pride and find someone who can help you find the "thing" that will set you on the right path. The resolution might be learning to live within your limits and being OK with them and it might be busting through the fear and leaving it in the dust behind your sweet ass. Whatever it is, you need to get to there.

You would never, ever allow your children or your friends to live a life that brings more regret than joy. DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS FOR YOURSELF.

Smooches to you my brave beautiful friend.

MrsFatass said...

Oh man, I'm sorry I missed this when it first went up. I've been traveling this week (eek!) and am just catching up now.

Okay. This is the week. I'm gonna do it.