Thursday, May 12, 2011

Tricks of "the trade"....

And by “the trade” – I completely and totally mean sex.

Wowser – I have done more posts on sex this month than in my entire blogging life, haven’t I? What the holy hell is up with that?

Okay, okay – focus. This is a very important topic.

I must first admit that this is all my fault. I have to ask a question about “baking dessert” – and again, it’s all my fault. Well, you can’t really blame me – it’s over 90 effing degrees here and the humidity is rampant. I got home last night and put on a shirt…sort of. I mean it has tank straps with a v-neck but it’s kind of a dress because it just covers my hoo-ha with the ruffle that is all along the bottom. It’s technically a real shirt/dress to wear in the outside world but it’s a bit big on me and I have always used it as a nightie type thingy…when it’s hot out – because the coverage is pretty scarce.

I knew I was going to go downstairs and tan later on so the lack of clothing was prep for that later. Again – did I mention it’s also hotter than Satan’s house? Hence reason #2 for being so ahem…not conservative.

Yesterday I bought some words and new plates to put around the top wall of my new kitchen so of course – I was hanging those up – in my “not so much a shirt” shirt.

Not smart folks. Not smart.

Small piece of clothing. Standing on a stool. Reaching up. Multiple times.

It’s just too much for Rambo. But God – it’s fun to pretend I have no idea why this would drive him crazy. I could have hung those plates MUCH faster had he not been in the house for God’s sake.

Okay – so moving on – it’s bedtime. Rambo goes to bed really early since he gets up at 4am. Lately it’s been still light out when he goes to bed. The girls go to bed at the same time because they need their sleep. Sometimes I go to bed too and other times I stay up a while.

Last night I went to bed.


Let me first say that Rambo is funny. I mean I fully realize to someone else he might not be funny but to me – I laugh my ass off nearly every moment I’m with him.

Let it be known that I have every intention of going to sleep. Rambo does not share that intention.

I tell him he’s acting like a puberty-stricken 12 year old in the back seat of a car putting the moves on a virgin. So he proceeds with:

You have pretty eyes. I like your shoulders. I swear I’ll still love you tomorrow. I’ll be gentle. I won’t tell anyone. – and any other lame come on line he can think of.

Freaking idiot. I’m cracking up as I lay there and I keep saying, “Dude – the birds are still chirping, it’s light out, our kids are awake.”

He proceeds with, “Awww, when are we gonna do it again? It’s been like weeks.”

WEEKS? WEEKS? Are you effing kidding me? Dude – it’s been two damn days. TWO – days. Like as in 48 hours. Wow.

More laughing loudly and then yup – you guessed it. A five year old at the end of the bed with the cutest smile ever and the most angelic voice and she says, “What’s so funny mama?”

Oh nothing – your dad is being an idiot AGAIN. Go back to bed.

She leaves and I say – “See – what would you have done if your ass was in the air and your balls were swinging?”

THAT is why this ain’t happening for you tonight buddy.

Which got me to thinking – how do people do it with children who are awake – just rooms away? I mean yes, we could have been quiet BUT that doesn’t mean our kids won’t come in. They come in randomly for all different reasons all the time…and I love that they know they can do that because as a child I was scared to death to enter my parent’s room – ever.

And yes – we do have a door BUT the door makes me nervous. The 5 yr. wouldn’t give a damn if it was shut but the 10 yr. old is old enough to wonder what the hell is going on and why and ask a million questions. And I don’t want those questions asked.

Yes I understand it’s normal for children to know their parents need or have “closed-door discussions” BUT that’s a childhood memory for me I hate. My parents closed the door A LOT on weekend mornings and before we knew what it meant – it only represented to me that my parents were unavailable. I couldn’t talk to them if my leg was falling off – it was off limits. I never understood why they’d shut me out as a child.

When I was older and understood what it meant it grossed me out and I hated it and I felt shut out again even though I understood it.

If “things” were happening at night – my parents NEVER shut the door and I guess always assumed we’d sleep through “things”. I’m here to tell you I never slept through anything. Their room was in plain sight of mine. (My kids are rooms away from us thank God) I think my parents thought “it’s my house, I’ll do what I want when I want because you’re supposed to be sleeping and I’m an adult”. I refuse to do that to my kids.

I don’t want my kids to feel any of that – the morning or the night crap that goes with parents baking dessert. I want them not to know or see or wonder…for now.

It got me to thinking – how do other couples deal with this? Do you care? Do you not do it because of your kids presence – even if it’s a couple rooms away? Do you choose to take the risk? Shut the door? And if so – how do you explain the shut door? As your kids get older do you become a couple that only does it when your kids aren’t home?

Yes, for realz. I’m asking. I need some “tricks of the trade”. Because I’m pretty sure Rambo will die if he has to wait THREE days.

Oh, the horror right? How he survives I’ll never know. Jesus frick.


Stephanie said...

I have to say that 99% of our activities are done once daughter is asleep in bed and very rarely do we have a little "Afternoon Delight". Even when we know she is in bed, we still close and lock the door, because let me tell you, she is like a freakin ninja. I can just picture one day she quietly walking in while Jason is "dining down at the Y"...her cute face asking "Whatcha' doin?" and me subsequently worrying that I have mentally scarred my child for life and me for trying to come up with an explanation.

Joanna said...

My dessert always comes after the kids are in bed and asleep. We rarely close the door - because our room is at the other end of the house, and I have super spy hearing - and can hear them coming if they are approaching.

Luckily, we've never had any issues with being disturbed. There have been a couple of occasions where playtime has been stopped mid-way due to the pitter patter of little feet. That just cools me down enough to start all over once little one is safely back in bed.

Our room has kind of become "off limits" to the older kids - but they will knock if they need something. I think that teaching them to knock is a good thing - and I've explained this by "you never know, maybe we're naked"...that's enough to make them not want to fall in to that...LOL The 3 year old walks through the house like a bull in a china shop - so there's never missing her when she's heading our way.

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Well I will tell you we have had to be quite inventive with explanations in this house. Aaron's room is attached to ours, by that I mean his room is in our room. Not completely but it is. I know it sounds weird but we have a small house and no room to add on.
I refuse to do anything until he is asleep. We have been caught a few times in the morning. He is only 3 so he will be watching cartoons in the living room and we will just stay in bed. Like I said he has caught us a few times and I just tell him that daddy is "rubbing" mommy's back. He is a smart kid so I know he does not believe that but isn't old enough to figure it out. When Alex is over we rarely do the deed. He is 14 and I DO NOT want to give him that vision and then him leak something to his mom...that would be a great conversation though. The hubby and I like getting inventive with things sometimes so maybe we will once just to get caught by him just to boggle his mom's mind :)
Not really though. Good luck!

Sarah G said...

Yup we get it on when the kids are awake, there are 4 of them, Saturday morning loving only comes once a week. No pun intended. The door locks for a reason. If they come knocking we holler that we're talking or still sleeping and to go away. We're usually pretty quiet and now that we've both lost weight I don't think we shake the house like we used to. I'm sure the oldest (13)has figured it out, maybe the 10 yo too, definitely not the 4 yos.

We have been walked in on a couple of times but luckily we were covered up so no elaborate explanation was necessary. :)

Amanda said...

Oh we totally shut and lock the door, LOL. My kids know it doesn't mean we're unavailable or anything -- in fact, some of the conversations we've held through the door right, erm, "in the middle of things" have been downright hilarious.

Basically our standard is that it's fine to close your bedroom door and even lock it, and those outside it always knock before entering. They knock even when they're the people who pay the mortgage and the door locker is under five feet tall.

If the door locker is under five feet tall and refuses to unlock the door at the reasonable request of a mortgage payer, however... well, that's why God gave us keys.

If it's an "entire family" type of practice, I think that takes the isolation out of it. Hey, you want to lock your door, knock yourself out! And if I want to lock mine, I'll do that too. But we're always here for each other.


Marie said...

I think shutting and locking the door is perfectly okay for that occasion. I think it's better than having them walk in on you when they aren't ready for that. It's only for a while (or is it?) always waited until the kids were asleep anyway so it wasn't that big a deal and my kids were good sleepers so I was lucky.

Cat's Chic Chat said...

Well, we don't have kids. So we bake dessert when we feel like it with the door open. We do have our dog though...honestly he gets crated during the dessert baking because you just don't need cold curious noses in strange places while baking.

Justawallflower said...

After bed time we don't lock the door. My daughter knows to knock, cause she is use to walking in on daddy after he gets out of the shower, luckily he always has underwear on, so nothing too traumatic, but it's bad enough for her to have learned her lesson. If we do have some mid day dessert, we do lock the door, just for extra precaution. And we have had some interesting through the door conversations as well. Now that we have moved back to Ohio, we don't actually have a bedroom door. Our room is upstairs, the only thing up stairs. I think there use to be a door there, but not anymore for some reason. Our bed is in a place that we have plenty of warning before someone comes up stairs, but again, she knows to check before coming up. She usually stands on the stairs and yells up if she needs something.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

Well our son is only 2 so he would have no clue what was going on and would think we are wrestling LMAO we typically wait till he is napping or in bed for the night, he hasn't mastered opening doors yet so we are safe, I too dread when he can and have him sitting at the edge of our bed LMAO We gotta start teaching him to knock on doors before he comes in!

Angela Pea said...

As with the majority here...teach them to knock and STILL lock the door! It gets unlocked as soon as the baking is done.

Our kids are all teens now, so there's no waiting for bedtime. They're old enough to know, and seriously? It doesn't seem to bother them if Mom and Dad turn in early or if we want to take a nap on a weekend. At least, that's what they are pretending to our faces. I figure they'll get any payback or whatever when they're parents!

AutumnLeaves said...

Baking dessert? I have to say I do enjoy your writing style, Draz. Not that I do much baking any longer, but when it was a regular thing, it was only while kids were asleep. Or at least I thought they were asleep.

Bringing Pretty Back said...

From a mom of three grown sons , I get what you are saying.
do I ever!
I will admit we were the parents that out bedroom wasn't the hang out room. It was OUR room. Never had the kids sleep with us. all that jazz.
I don't know... maybe they are scarred for life! ( :
But... we have been married for 23 years and if I had to do it all again I wouldn't change a thing about the bedroom situation.
Good luck!
Have a pretty day!

AutumnLeaves said...

Oy! After the long comment I made and blogger being down...What did I say?

I'm not into the "baking bread" (was that what you called it?) thing these days. Too old and tired and self-conscious. Still I remember the days when the girls were still home. Could only wait until they were asleep. And make sure I was under the covers. LOL

Amanda Kiska said...

My fella and I take "naps", usually on weekends in the afternoon. We close the doors and ask the girls not to disturb us. At night they are in bed by 9:00 PM so we just wait until they go to bed. We usually hang out in our bedroom in the evening anyway so it isn't too mysterious.

I think you might have negative associations with sex from your own childhood, but I think your kids won't neccessarily have those same associations. They know how much you and your husband love each other and they see you being affectionate with each other. of course they'll think it's "gross", but I don't think it would be especially traumatizing to close the door.

Read said...

back when I used to have sex - LOL - after being walked in on one too many times in various and sundry positions that I'm sure scarred them for life we started to close our door more often so it wouldn't be unusual when it was closed and to teach them about privacy in general. We've taught them if they come upon a closed door the polite thing is to knock. We knock on their closed doors and they knock on ours.

If they walk into my room without knocking regardless if I'm in bed or sitting at my laptop the first words out of my mouth is about how they should have knocked - it's just the polite thing to do. It's just not a big deal anymore. One of the many lessons on manners I've taught them.

I still can't get them to put the damn napkin in their laps, but we're pretty good on knocking on all closed doors.

Sandy Lee said...

You are so bad. I think you need a little spanking. Tell Rambo that.

When the kids get to be teens, they WANT their doors closed. Which then lets you close your door too. We switched the door lock from our bathroom to our room, which at least delayed the entry. No kids now. You could always try somewhere else other than the bedroom--car? shed? basement laundry room? Enough already.

Barbara said...

Wow, this one brought back memories.. Definitely closed and locked the doors. Mommy has a backache and daddy is going to rub her back to make the pain fo away or vice versa.. but too funny (I know its not funny to you). When I was a kid (with 3 brothers) we always were "treated" to sunday aftr noon trips to the movie theater. My dad would tell me to watch my brothers and give us money for popcorn and any crap we wanted, and he would promptly be there to pick us up.. not until many years later, I think I was 30, my mom would say, remember those sunday matinee movies.. well they where your fathers idea.. who knew, I never did until she told me that. I just thought it was great we got to go to the movies so much..

Raven said...

ok you are hilarious!!! Omg loved this post about sex. Let me just that my husband would happily do it with our CHILDREN IN OUR BED! seriously. I mean, they are 3 and 1, and he says "they don't know what we are doing" and granted we would try not to be too conspicuous but STILL!

TMI? I don't think so, because after reading this I think you LIKE TMI! haha!!

Jennifer said...

First, thanks for your comment on my blog today! Second...this post is hillarious and I am so glad its the first one of yours I have seen! Haha! My girls are still little, 3 and 4 and I was wondering not to long what happens when they get older and its not as easy.... hmmm...
When I was a kid ? remember being mortified at the thought of my parents "having relations". Their room was on another floor though so it was never an issue really. But my kids rooms are right next to ours....

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

lol. The Fisher King is a total teen driven hormonesque guy himself. I usually wait till the kids are in bed and sleeping. lol. But I have met him in the shower for a quicky...