Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Are you an effing cop?

Ask too many drug-related questions and you get asked, “Are you a f*cking cop?”…like numerous times.

Drugs, cops and questions. All part of a little ditty I left out about my time at the tattoo convention. Until today.

I’m naïve. I mean REALLLLLY naïve. I don’t get out much (on purpose) and I don’t try many new things (because I’ll break out in hives) and I’ve never been known to hang out in the “wrong” crowds because well…wrong crowds scare the shit out of me. (Think Superwoman outside, Wussywoman inside)

See this wrong crowd?  Scares the shit out of you, doesn't it? 

I never smoked – not even one cigarette in my life. I’ve never drank an entire beer. The most I’ve had is one wine cooler or some other fruity drink. Never been with any other man besides Rambo. You’d think I was Jesus’s sister, wouldn’t you? Or that my parents locked me in a cage until I was 18.

Well look how well that turned out huh? Can you say BACKFIRE??

So we’ve established that I’m sheltered with a side order of naïve. And let it be known – I’m not bragging. Quite the opposite. Though my parents thought they were protecting me…so many times I’m just uninformed or unintelligent about certain life things that others were allowed to experience.

Anywhoozle…let’s suffice it to say drugs were NEVER even on my radar. Is it wrong to admit they intrigue me though? I suppose it is – but they do. I mean not intrigue me like I want to do them but intrigue me like I want to know more about them. 

I watch the show Intervention like it’s my own kind of crack. And when I find someone who will willingly pony up info about drugs and doing drugs – I pepper them with 1000 questions that most 5 year olds already know the answer to.

Obviously – to those of you who aren’t naïve – it’s no surprise that at this all night tattoo party – there was weed. Gasp! My God – I’ve never even typed that word before. Give me a second – I’m sure lightening is going to strike or something. Eeek!

Seriously though – it was there. Okay fine. We actually were selling the pretty glass things you smoke it in. Nice huh? No – I honestly have no idea what they are called. You’ll have to google it. They were glass and all kinds of pretty colors and shapes….and they sold as fast as the tickets to the wet t-shirt contest did.

I say to one guy as I’m standing there, “People really don’t use these for smoking, right? They collect them because they are so pretty, right?” A naïve stupid girl can hope, can’t she?

He says, “Well, some people do collect them and they can be quite expensive but 90% of the people who buy them – use them for smoking.”

Me: I don’t get that. I mean how do they work?

He: You shove the weed down in here, put a flame over it and inhale the smoke. I buy the really good stuff.
Me: (eyes completely bugging out) YOU do??? Like from who??
He: Are you a f*cking cop?
Me: NO – I just can’t over this shit.
He: Here I’ll show you.
Me: SHOW ME WHAT? You have some? Here? Next to me?
He: See? Smell it.
Me: What will happen to me?
He: Nothing. Unless we go in the truck and smoke it. You want to?
Me: Mmm…no thanks. I’m good. Why do you do it?
He: It gives me an appetite which I need and it makes me okay with everything. Everything is good right now.
Me: You’re high RIGHT NOW? Like you can still talk to me? Shut the front door.

 (Imagine my face looking like I had just seen my first penis)

He: Yes. All I have to do is eat and the high will go away. No biggie.
Me: (paranoia kicking in) Aren’t you afraid of getting caught? Do you want a hot dog?

(insert overly concerned hick girl trying to make this man’s high go away with food)

He: Nope.
Me: How do you know where to get it? Wouldn’t you rather spend your money on purses and shoes?

(enter therapist girl trying to save a man’s wayward life)

He: Are you a f*cking cop?
Me: Nope – I just mean if I wanted to start smoking tomorrow, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. How did you know?
He: You know someone who knows someone. Like me.
Me: Okay, I have to pass out from all I’ve learned. I have to go help tattoo some guy’s ass. Thanks for the lesson.

You better believe before that guy left the building and like a 5 year old school girl, I ran over to Rambo and whispered, “Babe – that guy – right there – with the Harley jacket on..he’s HIGH as a kite! Right now. In this building. Can you believe that shiz?”

His reply?

“Honey – they all have Harley jackets on.”

Shitballs. They do indeed.

So high boy got away undetected because I couldn’t point him out. It’s rude to point at high people.

Didn’t your mother ever teach you that?

Or are you just that naïve?


Dazee Dreamer said...

omg. you totally rock. I'm not much smarter than you tho, so we would have made a good pair.

Lyla said...


I was such a Nancy Reagan girl. . . until grad school. But it was only a few times, I promise.

Stephanie said...

AS a former druggie, this just cracks me up. It amazes me that there is such a sigma against pot since it is so...well...mild. If there wasn't this whole "War on Drugs" that includes pot as part of it, there wouldn't be all the negtivity associated with it. Honestly, if it wasn't illegal, I would much rather smoke pot than drink. No hangover, much better buzz and I don't get all sloppy like I do if I drink to much. It's really a lot easier to get than you could possibly imagine.

Do I want my daughter smoking pot when she is older? Hell no...The only disadvantage to marijuana is (and this is only MY opinion) is that it really CAN BE a gateway drug for SOME me. Back in college, I enjoyed the high and thought that well, if pot was ok, let's try coke (Hell of a jump there!) and then came extascy and LSD. There was always the search for a different kind of buzz. One of my good friends has been smoking pot sicne she was 16 (she just turned 40) and she is one of those who has suffered for it. Her pot smoking has prevented her from getting jobs she wants because she can't pass the drug tests and her relationships have suffered, because she can only date someone who she can openly smoke pot around. it's sort of sad that she let pot define her, rather than build her own life and indulge on occasion.

When I quit drugs (the hard stuff) I did it cold turkey. I wasn't to the point where I needed to go to detox, but just knew I needed to remove myself from the surroundings I was in at the time (the club circuit in Savannah) and I left college and moved back to Atlanta. I was good for a while, until a lot of my Savannah friends moved up to Atlanta and we started back into old habits, but I quit for real in 1999 when I moved to Florida. I've smoked pot on occasion since then, but very rarely.

For grown adults who are capeable of making reasonable rational decisions and not letting them get out of control, smoking pot is no different that having a couple of beers. Just don't drive anywhere!

Laura Belle said...

I'm ok with the smoking thing because a lot of friends did it in college, but I am totally clueless about anything else. Clueless.

Oh well.

Losing It said...

I smoked pot before. Quite a lot. I haven't had it in many years. I just can't bring myself to do so since having my son. Oh the responsible me. :)

I do find it cute how intrigued you are though!

MandaPanda said...

OH wow! You just crack me up. I always thought I was sheltered until I read this post.

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

That's hilarious. I was pretty sheltered, just like you. And like you, I've never touched a drug. Advil is as wild as I get. I didn't even drink coffee until a few years ago and I've since given the stuff up.

Here's a tale to illustrate my naivete...

I had a gay friend that was describing another guy. He said, rather offhand, "Oh, you know he's a fudge packer, right?"

I said, "No. That's cute."

My friends eyes were big with astonishment. "Cute?? Do you know what that means."

Me, rather sheepishly, "Well, does he work at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory packing fudge?"

Then my delightful gay friend laughed at me and said, "No, it mans he's gay!!!"

Um, I was 20 at the time, but that's pretty darn sheltered. haha

Cat said...

I did try pot a few times in my early 20s, but I freaked out once on it (meaning my heart rate sped up like a panic attack and I was absolutely paranoid about everything you can be paranoid about). I did enjoy the slightly euphoric feeling and that songs last FOREVER...seriously - a song would seem to last for 30 minutes. I also was amused by the munchies and that cereal tasted SO good. But the paranoia was horrible and it happened every time after that first time it happened, so after 2 or 3 more attempts I never did it again.

I cannot watch intervention because it makes me so sad. I worry so much for these people and I don't even know them. I want them to succeed in their rehab but fear they won't. It depresses me.

I still drink occasionally but I rarely get drunk. I probably drink about 5 or 6 times a year. It's usually martini's when I'm out with the girls for girls night.

Tori said... are just the cutest little gum drop toting person I have ever almost met online. :) So adorable!

Joanna said...

The first question out of my mouth would have been "are you a cop?" LMAO

Smoking pot is the "hardest" think I've ever done - and I spent my late teens hanging out with tweekers...people that used meth. I never had any urge to try the stuff.

It's funny that now, I won't even use prescription meds or over the counter ones for that matter.

I love this post - I'm still giggling a little - but I will add that it is a MAJOR feat to be able to say that you are that uneducated about drugs. It's something you can definitely be proud of. :)

PS_Iloveyou said...

I should really stop reading your blog while I'm at work because I get the giggles so bad that I'm practically disruptive!

Jennifer said...

You are sooooo funny! Hahahaha.


Clumsy said...

OMG I just want to hug you! I wish I could say I was that naive. I've had addiction problems since I was 17. I started with meth, coke and heroin, then settled for just weed after 8 years. I can say I've been "hard drugs" clean without a relapse for about 4 years (yeah me!)I myself am still intrigued even after being a heavy user for several years. Unfortunately, or fortunately I still partake of weed regularly. I'm jealous that you can be so open about the drug info you are after.