Monday, June 6, 2011

Bank a rob, I'm a Marine and a tumor.

My daughter told Rambo she needed some things…and one of those things was “diamonds”. Yup – no shitaki – my 5 year old “needs” diamonds. Seriously – she is so my kid. Anywhoozle, Rambo told her he couldn’t afford it (and I added in that if anyone in the family is getting diamonds – it’s yours truly).

She replied with, “Duh Dad…why don’t you just bank a rob?”

After we laughed and told her that her Dad would end up behind bars instead of guarding people from in front of them she decided the only thing she really needed was a popsicle.

This only proves I haven’t taught her well enough. Trading diamonds for a popsicle is just dumb. I mean wow. I’m thinking about selling her now.

Moving on - I was little Suzie Homemaker all weekend – meaning I literally planned and cooked every meal for Rambo and I for the whole week at work. I made mixed fruit containers, mixed veggie containers, eggs and ham for breakfast and chicken, broccoli and potatoes for lunches. And?

I worked out every day but one since the first of the month. Which brings me to another stupid thought. When you guys go outside for a run or walk – do you feel like a marine because you strap on 50 lbs of gear – or is that just me over-accessorizing again?

Speaking of over-accessorizing…in my quest to prove you can never have enough bling – I now have silver hoop charms in my ring finger - finger nails! SO cute!

Okay – focus. Back to being a marine. I bought a water bottle this weekend that you put your hand through so you don’t have to grip it when you run. So I put that on.

I also put on a waist pack – it’s purple to match my new water bottle. It is very slim and holds my cell phone and house key and oxygen. And no – it is not a 1980s fanny pack thank you very much. It is designed for running, is lightweight and has reflectors on it so when I pass out no one will run over me.

I then put on my MP3 player. Then on goes my Nike headband. Then my headphones. Then I put on my heart rate monitor waist band and then the HRM watch band.

Then I put on my prom dress. Oh no wait – that was it.

I’m not kidding though – it felt like it took me 10 minutes to dress up to go for a run.

Lastly, I would just like to say that in my full anxiety-ridden hypochondriac form…I think I have a tumor that adds about 2 lbs a day to my frame.

No lie.

You see, in May I only worked out twice - like uno dos….done – SO my system could be in complete shock mode from all this exercise as of late. I mean I have indeed run miles for the last 5 days in a row and it is safe to say my muscles are screaming bloody murder and begging Draz and Sheniqua to talk some sense into me.

My whore of a scale has been going up – I kid you not – 2 lbs a day since I started running and working out again.

I’m not joking. Who the hell would joke about such a thing? THIS is why people do NOT work out.

I step on the scale, scream for 5 minutes, stomp on a small bunny and then get off. I tell myself “your body is holding water from all the workouts”.

Soooo – either that is true or I have a tumor.

The whole water thing might indeed be true because I’m drinking shitloads of water but I’m peeing nothing.

Then again – it could be the ice cream I’ve been inhaling.

Nope – let’s go with tumor. I bear no blame in a tumor.

Oh and for those of you still gasping because I said I was going to sell my kid. That was a joke. I might really stomp on small bunnies but I don’t sell my kids.

Well at least I haven’t yet.


Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

You know the theory that our soul weighs 28 grams? Well, maybe sexy weighs 2lbs.

Jacquie said...

I vote tumor too! You kid is adorable (well both are really)!

Joanna said...

I know this sounds bad - but I'm so happy to hear that you've gained weight since starting running again.

I've gained 5lbs since last week - and I've been running. I don't feel so bad, now...if it's happening to you, too - maybe I have a tumor too!!

Oh - and gots to love the popsicle instead of diamonds trade off... you gots to teach that girl some negotional skills, Draz!! LOL

Joy said...

Okay, ma'am, you are not allowed to scare me like that again! When I saw the title of this post, I got really worried and raced over! :( But, glad to see it's a phantom tumor, lol, although I am sad about the gains. You hit the nail on the head when you said that's why some people don't work out. I would blame all my non-exercise on being lazy (which is partially true) but seriously, when I start working out again, I do usually gain and that freaks me out/pisses me off. I know that any water weight or muscle weight gain is totally worth working out since exercise is so god for you, but I'm going to makes me hesitant to start again. Yeesh!

Bonnie said...

Did you know that stomping bunnies is like cardio and will help you to lose weight?

Aren't tumors a bitch?

Dawnya said...

Bank a rob...that is some funny stuff. I love your kids.

Joy said...

Wow, I should spell-check before I post. That last line should read: "I know that any water weight or muscle weight gain is totally worth working out since exercise is so good for you, but I'm not going to makes me hesitant to start again."

Trisha said...

I agree with Joy!! The tumor in the title totally freaked me out!! (having a brain tumor I was going to give you all the advice and links I have and even my neuro surgeons info, even though he is in AZ, but by far the best team EVER!) Glad that it isn't a real deal.. :) But if it is.. I totally got you covered.

Kelly said...

Well, if you sell the kid, then you might buy some diamonds. Did ya think of it that way? Just saying. =) (I'm totally kidding too, by the way.)

Beth Ann said...

I really, really hate when you do what you are "supposed" to do and then you don't get the desired results. Annoying! When you do what you are supposed to do, angels are supposed to sing and you are supposed to get EXACTLY what you want.

I am indeed glad that you are referring to the annoying fictional pound-packing type of tumor and not a real identified one. :)

MandaPanda said...

You crack me up! I went for a walk the other day, wound up at my parents house...unplanned visit. I realized once I was there that I had left the front AND back doors open...didn't have my purse, keys or even a phone. I think it may be better to OVERpack than underpack.

Daffy said...

Muscle weighs more than fat....right?!

problem solved

And that is a shitolaton of gear woman! How DO you run with all that? I think I might fall over top-heavy. THAT would be funny...kinda like one of those bugs that when flipped on their back all they can do is wigggle their legs in the air...heh... a little off track there. Anyway, where was I? are WAY preferable over the edible sort of ice...need to work on that one.

Laura Belle said...

I need a water bottle thingy. I need a little fanny pack. And yes, I think it'd be so badass if I got one of those fanny packs from 1986. I might have one in my basement....

Keep up the good work, just're way ahead of me in the running game, so when I start to gain the 'running weight' you'll be losing by then. Because, damn it, you will lose the weight!

Lee Ann said...

my husband wears a fanny pack at work (he's a nurse anesthetist) and puts all his drugs for the day in it and all his crap that he has to carry around. he calls it a "lumbar pouch." umm, yeah.

and when i thought i had a tumor, it turns out i was 20 weeks pregnant. are you SURE you're not preggers? hahaha, just teasing.

Dazee Dreamer said...

good god woman. haven't you heard that you are turning your fat into muscle. that that muscle shit weighs more than fat. much better thinkin it that way then a tumor.

Bridget said...

LOL your daughter is funny...she should have held out for the bling,'ve got plenty of time to teach her ;)

Jen said...

I just heard a rumor that you are dying to get a tattoo while at BOOBs 2.0, if it is true, I'm IN!! I am ready and waiting- just let me know if you really want to!

AutumnLeaves said...

I gotta tell you, Draz, you are a socialite in your soul - quite evident in the way you write. I adore your sense of humor! Muscles. You must be building up 2 lbs. a day worth with all that running. I used to run and gave it up because of the high frakkin' heat and humidity here in IL during the summer months. We're angling towards a 100 that past few days. Don't believe the weather guys. I go by the thermometer in the car.

FitBy40 said...

I just have to say that the only thing I take with me on a run is my cell phone! Just in case I need to call the paramedics on myself, and to keep track of my times. That's it!
So, decrease the ice cream, and in crease the water, and I'm sure that darn tumor will be gone!

Jody V said...

LOL Drazil! I also weigh myself down! Granted...I don't run but even walking feels like a chore with all that crap! Rock on Sister!

Cat said...

Yeah thanks. I actually laughed out loud about the reflectors keeping people from running you over. Now my coworkers know that I'm not doing work cuz why would I laugh at work stuff???

Absolutely luv that your daughter wants your corrections officer husband to Bank a Rob to get her diamonds!!! Too funny!

Ronnie said...

Mmm, small bunnies... my favorite. Glad you had such a great weekend!

Donut Butt said...

I need pictures of your fingernails! How dare you tease without nail porn! I used to have a drill that I would pierce my nails and had really cute studs and hoops for them. My mom had one that said BITCH with a diamond on it that I loved!! So pony up us the bling!!!

And your water bottle - where did you get something like that? I would love to have something like that on my walks.


Tori said...

LMAO...I wish I could trade Diamonds for popsicles and be ok with it...your daughter is the diamond...seriously...LOVE reading your posts.

Sarah said...

So, I am new to your blog- however it is so damn funny that I went back and read the last months worth of posts. (I swear I'm not crazy.) Seriously, you are hysterical!

Sarah @ Thinfluenced