Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Body odor and slip and slides.

Just a few random observations from the cuh-razy mind of me. Also known as the socially crippled, organizing, color-coding, pretending to live in Care Bear Land while farting gumdrops girl in case you thought my only attribute was cuh-razy. You’d be wrong. I am multi-talented fo sho.


Have you guys ever known someone with bbbbaaaaaaadddd body order?
Like they smell like a walking corpse.

I
Do
No
Understand
This.

Let me say this. On the weekends, when yours truly is feeling especially lazy sexy, I do not brush my teeth, I do not wear makeup, I do not brush my hair, I do not get out of my PJs. I look like a homeless African bushwoman who lives in the Mojabe desert and hasn’t seen a shower in years.
By about 10am…something is smelling not so fresh.

Big shocker – it is ME. Only a few hours into the day and I can smell my own armpits.
They have that “I’m a manual laborer in the 105 degree heat for 10 hours a day” body odor smell.

Now I ask you – how the hell can anyone with a nose not smell themselves all day long?
I mean look behind you – people are passing out cold as you walk by.
I just don’t get it.

And fine – let’s say their nose is broken and they can’t smell. What about their wives or kids? Yes – the guy I’m talking about has both. Why doesn’t his wife tell him? Or why doesn’t his kid who isn’t required to have tact say,“Dad – you stink!”? I’m soooo confused by this.

PS – maybe I’m super sensitive to this because I used to date a guy like this. He was theee biggest jock in high school and cute as hell but dayum he smelled. He was the quarterback, the baseball pitcher and big on the basketball team too so yes – he sweated a lot so you’d think I could give him a pass.

Nope – couldn’t handle it. That and the fact that he was the worst kisser in the world was enough to say buh-bye. Mr. Jock wasn’t so happy about letting go of me (probably cuz back then I had my double E boobs) but too bad….Rambo was in my sights. And Rambo smelled too.…but in a good way.

Also – this weekend some of Rambo’s southern relatives are home. The plan is to have a cookout.
Oh and have a HUGE slip and slide.
 (Who the f*ck comes up with these brilliant ideas? 
The size 0 skinny bitch who WANTS people to see her half naked?)

Yes – with water. And swimsuits.

Did you see that last word I typed up there? Swimsuits. In public. In family public.

Swimsuits in public are bad enough but in front of family it’s so bizarre don’t you think? Like I don’t think my father-in-law should ever see my whole thigh or my stomach you know?
I feel violated even when he’s not looking my way.
I want to scream, “YES – this is what your son gets to pork whenever he wants.
Have pity on him. Get over it.”

Jesus, Mary and Bart. What’s a cellulite-ridden girl to do?

Put on my leopard bikini, suck in my tummy-tucked tight stomach, flaunt my tattoos, show off my feathers and strut my ass all day hoping and praying that behind every one of their high priced
sunglasses is one blind eye like mine.

Cuz let me tell you – when you look at me half blind…..Ima kinda hot.

Full on – two good eyes…um…not so much.

Focus on the feathers people. It totally helps.

15 comments:

Joanna said...

Oh the body odor thing drives ME NUTSO!!

I am the same way about my BO...if I can smell it, and it's not even that bad...why can't those smelly people smell theirs??

Seriously, sometimes I want to quietly slip some deodrant in their pockets.

If my hubby - and kids for that matter (they're getting to that age) - are starting to smell a little raunchy...I tell them. I'm not mean about it - I lovingly say "Urm..time for a shower, don't you think?" or "Where's the deodrant I bought you? It's not just for holding down papers on your desk" They get the hint....

I think it's every spouses duty to tell their loved one they stink...it's in the marriage contract (I'm pretty sure, right?)

PS_Iloveyou said...

I was just talking about people with bad BO too! A friend and I went to a concert last week and the dude standing in front of us was one of those dirty hippy types (this isn't just a california thing is it?) who smelled like he hadn't bathed in at least 30+ days. Ugh. And a good shampoo?? Maybe never. ewww... dirty dreadlocks.. Anyways he was waaay high on .. umm 'life' and just dancing away and every time he raised his arms I thought I was going to honestly literally pass out. EW. The friend I was with used to work at the Veterans Hospital, and she said even the dirty homeless veterans didn't smell that bad. (we have a lot of homeless veterans in this area, it's really sad because they are not all there mentally) So yah, stinky people stink!

On the part about your party; At least your braving it and not going out there in a turtleneck and parka! Flaunt whatcha got!

Laura Belle said...

I used to work at a pool in the not so great part of town and all the teeny kids smelled HORRID! And then they jumped in the pool. Yucky yuckertons. Bathe people. Bathe.

You know what? I bet you look smashing in a suit. Just swimmingly dahling. Go get 'em tiger!!

Bonnie said...

I have a new neighbour that does this. Now I built my house almost 10 years ago and we were the 3rd house in the 'hood so I know everyone. Then the new people moved in next door....she lays on her driveway....yes I said driveway in the FRONT of the house sunbathing in her bikini. I mean REALLY is that necessary? All the kids walking home from school and the parents driving home from work see this. Keep that shit in your backyard.....skinny bitch.....yes I'm hating on her for being petite as well....lol

Cat said...

Weird you should bring this up today! I was on the elliptical this morning and for the first time in MONTHS had someone on the elliptical next to mine. Also that direction is the clock and so mr BO'ville next to me was probably thinking I was checking him out when really I was wondering when I could get away from him. yeah, he was sweating like a beast and smelled like BO. It was gross. : ( /gag

As for the bathing suit. Color me surprised it's leopard. *wink* Perhaps you can wear your stilettos and really strut. /nod

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I totally lay out in the sun in the front yard. I love to see the neighbors and their kids go by and I always wave to them. However, I don't wear a bikini. No one will ever get to see that unless there is plastic surgery some day. I have a tankini that covers most of me and I get bored in the back yard looking at the grass. The neighbor kids frequently come over to say hi and I enjoy my front yard a lot.

Hell to the no on the BO. I couldn't take it. I can't smell very well so if I can smell someone they are really reeking. My husband and son bath daily and though I sometimes skip a day when I'm not going out, I keep up with my deodorant.

Justawallflower said...

I, too, have often wondered about the families of the stinky. I have to wonder if they, too, have the same odor. I can't stand myself, like you, when I go til 10:oo or later without some sort of coverup!

As for the family stuff, I often ask my husband if he is embarrassed to be seen with me, cause I certainly would! You, however, I'm sure good gorgeous in a bikini, and the only thoughts his dad are thinking are "my son is one lucky man".

MandaPanda said...

In my opinion, if I can smell myself, it's time for a shower...do not pass go, do not collect $200, it's time for a shower PRONTO...right now. Drop everything and shower. Egad! What's wrong with people? A giant slip & slide? Sounds fun...except for the whole public near nudity thing.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

When I was in college I worked at a bank in this little fish bowl of a drive thru, with a smelly girl. Like burn your eyes smelly! Everyone talked about her and one day when we were in there alone I told her that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, but felt like she might not know that she smelled offensively. She really did not know that she smelled, and she lived alone, so no one told her. The next day she came to work smelling good and she thanked me for having the balls to tell her. Everyone else at work was glad I had balls too. I now work with lots of smelly guys(at a trucking company) I just say..."Hey, you stink, please don't hang by my office!" They laugh but get the point. So, if you want me to come by and have a talk with him. I will.

Ronnie said...

I don't like being around the stinkies, I've also dated one or two. Ugh... I can give a guy the benefit of the doubt, but will find a way to end it immediately upon discovering it isn't just a one-time thing.

Sarah from Onmyweightohappiness said...

The whole BO thing is terrible I can't stand it either, if I smell the least bit funky I have to spray myself with something. In high school all 4 years of it, I was stuck next to a guy that had his locker right next time mine who had terrible BO I mean he lifted his arm pit a little bit you and you nearly fainted it was that bad. Terrible terrible terrible!

Swimsuits in public, I haven't wore one in over 10 years, I haven't owned on in over 10 years. But I think it's time to put the big girl panties on and go swimsuit shopping!

Jody V said...

LOL Drazil!! I "smell" myself all day long. I make sure none of that BO is going on! Too, too funny about the family in the bathing suit business. If you had the bitches for sister in laws that I do you would wear a full fur parka floor length. But...so should they!! LOL!!! Do the leopard Baby...do the leopard!!

Laurie said...

You are on a roll. You will look hot and just think, you won't have body odor. My son is "hard of smelling". Really, he can't smell. Kid has had his tonsils and adenoids out and is still useless in the smell department. I had my eyebrows waxed today and the wax smelled like vanilla/coffee. It was good at first, but then getting to me. I told my daughter to smell it and she said "no way". Went to have the son take a wiff, and said to him "I forgot, you are useless in this department." What's this about you and a blind eye? you for real?

Kelly said...

I keep an extra deodorant in my desk at work, just in case. And in the summer time, when I sweat like a pig, I take 2 showers a day sometimes. I do have to brush my teeth on the weekends, even if I don't leave the house. I don't like dirty mouth. Work those feathers and that leopard!

diane said...

In the workplace I would sneak a note to the BOer or ask his supervisor to talk to him...I think he probably doesnt know or just needs a little motivation (humiliation) to care!