Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I confess. Do you?

Hold on to your seats…it’s another “I Confess” day here in Hell Care Bear Land…


I confess….that yesterday I nearly shanked a co-worker who I’ve never spoken to in my life. Someone put out cake on the ledge for everyone to sample. The key word there is “sample” – not inhale. I walked by and a lame ass idiot took THREE huge pieces and smiled the whole time. Why do men get to do that? If a woman did that and someone saw her with three pieces of cake they’d all think she was a heifer and gasp at her audacity. I should have shanked him. Yes, I carry a shank. It’s a shank slash pen slash mascara wand. Impressed? Don’t be. I’m a prison guard’s wife…it’s normal.

I confess….that I’m the kind of woman that changes my watch band to match my outfit each day. This could indeed be why I have been called high maintenance more than once in my life.

I confess…that I miss my bestie Jenny…like Michael Jackson misses his other glove. I haven’t seen her in forevah and the world is askew because of it. (Askew is the dumbest word, isn’t it?)

I confess…that when the orthodontist told me my daughter’s teeth (braces/spacers) would cost $2900 for just the FIRST treatment – that I ran out of the room screaming, “She’s not mine – she’s not mine!” Dammit – she looks too much like me to deny. After I was done hyperventilating I realized insurance pays half so I decided to reclaim her as my own. Jesus, Mary and Bart – clearly I should have been an orthodontist.

I confess…that I purposely don’t drink enough water at work because then I’ll have to use the public restroom. Damn you, Explosive Man!

I confess…that last night when I got my 50th credit card offer in the mail for 0% for 15 years and cash back on everything in sight – I finally decided to take the plunge. I took an advance of $30,000 and I’m moving to Fiji. Tonight. It was nice knowing you. Who needs Calgon to take me away when I have Visa…or Discover….or Mastercard? God – the trees these people kill with their offers. Enough already.

I confess…that I have a friend who is going to be using cloth diapers for her new baby when it arrives. While I admire the effort, I want to spam the hell out of her Facebook page and ask her if she’s aware that she’ll have to clean poop out of cloth daily. Like real poop – constantly. Like at 2am. Let’s face it – I couldn’t be green in regards to cloth diapers if it was a government requirement. I’d be in a coma after diaper change #2.

I confess…that I’m going to a purse party this Sunday and I’m afraid I may have to buy more than one. To help out my friend you know? Yes, yes. That is why. I’m sure all proceeds to go to starving kids in Ethiopia or into my friend’s purse. Either way – it’s a good cause and I am all about charity.

I confess…that there have been a crapload of storms here today and that means the computer systems at the prison are on the blitz which means the prison is on lockdown. Simply put – I hate that. It doesn’t take a genius to know why.

I confess…that I had Rambo take pictures of me the night before I started Nutrisystem and I have yet to look at them. I’m scared to because pictures don’t lie. That and well, finding my waist through all that cellulite could prove daunting. It might be worth it…maybe the remote I lost last week is in the creases somewhere. I’ll keep you posted on that.

The end.

Do you have any confessions today?

28 comments:

Karen Butler Ogle said...

I confess that I love reading your confessions. I confess that I have been a slug for the past two days with no end in sight. I confess that I need to get my butt in gear but my slug syndrome is overwhelming. I confess my house is a wreck and I don't care much at the moment. I confess to having some cheese popcorn and now I'm swollen up like a blow fish. Yikes. Enough confessions from me today.

MandaPanda said...

Cloth diapers? Only if I have a diaper service. Ick!

About the sample thing...why is it men don't have to bring anything to potlucks but they can eat more than anyone else? How is that fair?

Jody V said...

Love this Drazil!

I confess I got a slow start on WEEK ONE of Weight Watchers...Dear God...1.5 lb loss though.

I confess I can't handle the fact that my 17 year old has a girlfriend. Not sure why...therapy may help.

I confess I hate my pond and vow to redo it or fill it in with cement...I could go on all day

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

I confess that I would scrounge up the money to get to BOOBS 2.0 just to meet you. I love all the other ladies but I must meet you.
I confess that I love your style. That I can't wait until I am thin enough to strut your stuff :)
I confess I read your blog daily!!

Joanna said...

I LOVE your confession posts!! I posted mine today... not near as good as yours.. but when are they?? LOL

Purse party?? Ugh..jealous of you for the 1 millionth time (this week)

Cloth diapers? Bwahahaha...sounds to me like a good time to make some wagers. I give her a week!!

~Lisa~ said...

I confess that I thought a "shank" was a realllly bad golf shot - and actually Googled it after reading your post!!

dictionary.com - (v) golf term, hitting the ball with the heel of your club.

urbandictionary - prison term, home-made knife..

Yeah, I confess that I'm out of the loop on sooo many levels!

Rachellabelle - My Hips Don't Lie said...

I confess...
That I hate it when people purposely sit on the outside seat on the bus so nobody can sit beside them. Forcing me to trudge to the back or ask them to move over.

I confess...
That I hate it when people feel compelled to say something to me every time they walk past my office. Quit bugging me -- can't you see I'm blogging -- I mean working.

I confess...
That I had to take the day off yesterday because I over did it at the gym on the weekend.

Kristin said...

I confess... that your watch band confession made me chuckle. As someone who wears the same earrings at least 362 days a year, I admire your devotion to accessorizing. Most days it's all I can do to remember my wedding ring. You rock on, girl.

Caron said...

I just "confessed" on my blog about having a bad food day yesterday. Can't think of anything else that would be interesting. My daughters are 29 and 31 and when they were babies, disposable diapers were really CRUMMY! I would use them for trips and had to contend with poop leaks which was messy and nasty. Two of my coworkers also gave me a week using cloth diapers but said they made great dust rags. It really was not that bad or maybe I'm just weird. :)

Christy @ My Dirt Road Anthem: A Runner's Blog said...

I confess I would never use cloth diapers. I confess I breastfed my daughter for 2 and a half years partly so I could enjoy having large breasts for just a little longer, I wish I were still breastfeeding, i miss having boobs and I can't afford to buy them.

Beth Ann said...

I'm really interested to see what you think of NutriSystem. I did it one time when I was in high school...yes, high school. And it did not go well. But my tastes (and habits) have changed and matured a lot, so maybe it would go better now. Can't wait to hear what you think.

Ronnie said...

I confess that I also want to slap new moms who talk about how they're GOING to breastfeed and GOING to use cloth diapers and make you feel guilty when you're holding your baby who's in just a disposable diaper and drinking some formula out of a bottle.

Ugh. Overachievers.

Hippo Nymph said...

I confess...I love your blog!
My best friend, roommate, and love of my life had to move 2500 miles away a few years ago (to care for his ailing mother). He just confessed that he's seeing someone...finally. I confess...I wish him all the happiness in the world. I also confess that my heart is aching and I'm falling apart today.

Laura Belle said...

I confess that I luv you more than shoes! *Hugs*

Cloth diapers: if I had to use those, I think i'd never have kids. Yucky.

My neighbor sells purses. Do you know how hard it is to not go over there and see the new 'summer' line?! It's like sicking a hot fire poker in my ear.

Tina said...

I confess :) I like the word askew.

I don't think cloth is any better from a green perspective because you use up all of that soapy water into our sewage system to wash the dang things. There are quickly biodegradable ones you can get online (and then no swishing poop at 2am). Besides cloth gave all of my kids a rash :)..pampers rock!!

I'm sorry you have dad baggage. You are not alone on that one. xxxooo

Cat said...

Cloth diapers? Really? I don't even have kids and have never had to change diapers and I know this is not a smart move. You have to be very careful with everything too and use rubber pants becuase there is no absorbant core! The baby is going to end up with diaper rash big time and her pediatrician is going to say, "Mrs. Best mom in the world, you do know that pampers makes an excellent diaper that ABSORBS the urine right?" Ugh, good luck to her, I give her a month. /nod

I am so freaking jealous about the purse party. And yes, it's all about the charity. /nod /nod

Jess said...

Remote in the skin folds huh? I have discovered whole cities in mine before and had to free the little people! eek!

Building Blocks said...

I confess that I want to do a confessional blog post.
I confess that I read yours and MrsFatass' blogs everyday at the same time - like freaking clockwork!
I confess that I am jealous that you write some of the "words" that I want to write in my blog - like "green donkey dicks"!
I confess that if my girls didn't read my blog I would have a cuss word in every sentence! (I'm working on quitting...shit...it's not going well!)

Much love!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Too funny! Cloth diapers...living in a cave is green too!

Lisa said...

I confess that "yesterday I nearly shanked a co-worker who I’ve never spoken to in my life." was VERY funny. :)

Nikki said...

I confess that I could have used your shank in Sears one day when some woman felt the need to come up to me and lecture me about how I need to use cloth diapers...

I love being able to throw it away...right away...so that my house does not smell of baby poo...cuz um...as he is getting older...it stinks.

I also confess that I nominated you for the Adorable Blog Award! :)

xoxo!

Justawallflower said...

I love hearing your confessions. They are so interesting and some are hilarious! Unfortunately, if I posted my confessions it would send my readers to their therapists just for having read it!

Ali said...

The total for my son's ortho treatment was $5600.00 Insurance covered $3000.00 of it. His father's share was $1200 and mine was $1400.00. I'm still paying on it and the braces have been off for a year.
It's a racket, I tell you!

Ali said...

Just posted my own confessions on my blog. Have to admit--rather cathartic! Thanks for the idea.

Dazee Dreamer said...

what the hell is wrong with these women that are using cloth diapers. When I was a senior in high school, my little brother was born. I know, weird. But anywho, my mom used cloth diapers, and ick, ick, ick. I would much rather throw out a cloth diaper than clean it out, IN THE FREAKING TOILET. I'm throwing up a little right now, just remembering that I was old enough to babysit the little guy.

Women, NO. Walk away from the cloth diapers.

Kelly said...

I confess that I totally loved reading this today. Just saying.

Laurie said...

I confess that today was the last day of school and that makes me really anxious.
And, my kid #1 got his braces off last Tues., and tomorrow kid #2 goes to the ortho. for his second assessment. I don't think insurance covers half, it just pays a little. I think I'll sell a kid.
I confess that my food has sucked and I think it is related to yet another challenge I signed on to. I think I need to drop it but haven't had the balls yet to face it.
Oh, one more thing, I RAN AN AWESOME 5K LAST NIGHT!, and binged all day today...go figure.

Bodacious Boomer said...

I had to come over and visit from Dazee's after seeing the title of your blog. I absolutely love it.

As far as confessions- I was the lame ass idiot who took the three pieces of cake. I've been really stressed. Cut me some slack.

You didn't recognize me because I was in my tranny outfit at the time.