I confess….that yesterday I nearly shanked a co-worker who I’ve never spoken to in my life. Someone put out cake on the ledge for everyone to sample. The key word there is “sample” – not inhale. I walked by and a lame ass idiot took THREE huge pieces and smiled the whole time. Why do men get to do that? If a woman did that and someone saw her with three pieces of cake they’d all think she was a heifer and gasp at her audacity. I should have shanked him. Yes, I carry a shank. It’s a shank slash pen slash mascara wand. Impressed? Don’t be. I’m a prison guard’s wife…it’s normal.
I confess….that I’m the kind of woman that changes my watch band to match my outfit each day. This could indeed be why I have been called high maintenance more than once in my life.
I confess…that I miss my bestie Jenny…like Michael Jackson misses his other glove. I haven’t seen her in forevah and the world is askew because of it. (Askew is the dumbest word, isn’t it?)
I confess…that when the orthodontist told me my daughter’s teeth (braces/spacers) would cost $2900 for just the FIRST treatment – that I ran out of the room screaming, “She’s not mine – she’s not mine!” Dammit – she looks too much like me to deny. After I was done hyperventilating I realized insurance pays half so I decided to reclaim her as my own. Jesus, Mary and Bart – clearly I should have been an orthodontist.
I confess…that I purposely don’t drink enough water at work because then I’ll have to use the public restroom. Damn you, Explosive Man!
I confess…that last night when I got my 50th credit card offer in the mail for 0% for 15 years and cash back on everything in sight – I finally decided to take the plunge. I took an advance of $30,000 and I’m moving to Fiji. Tonight. It was nice knowing you. Who needs Calgon to take me away when I have Visa…or Discover….or Mastercard? God – the trees these people kill with their offers. Enough already.
I confess…that I have a friend who is going to be using cloth diapers for her new baby when it arrives. While I admire the effort, I want to spam the hell out of her Facebook page and ask her if she’s aware that she’ll have to clean poop out of cloth daily. Like real poop – constantly. Like at 2am. Let’s face it – I couldn’t be green in regards to cloth diapers if it was a government requirement. I’d be in a coma after diaper change #2.
I confess…that I’m going to a purse party this Sunday and I’m afraid I may have to buy more than one. To help out my friend you know? Yes, yes. That is why. I’m sure all proceeds to go to starving kids in Ethiopia
I confess…that there have been a crapload of storms here today and that means the computer systems at the prison are on the blitz which means the prison is on lockdown. Simply put – I hate that. It doesn’t take a genius to know why.
I confess…that I had Rambo take pictures of me the night before I started Nutrisystem and I have yet to look at them. I’m scared to because pictures don’t lie. That and well, finding my waist through all that cellulite could prove daunting. It might be worth it…maybe the remote I lost last week is in the creases somewhere. I’ll keep you posted on that.
Do you have any confessions today?